January 23, 2027: "Squidward Quincy Tentacles announces his candidacy for both the Democratic and CPUSA Primaries" - The Bikini Bottom Tribunal
February 21, 2028: "SQUIDWARD WINS IOWA DEMOCRATIC AND CPUSA CAUCUSES AS MEME CANDIDATE BY 1.9 POINTS" - The Des Moines Register
Ignore the primaries this is so far from 2028 that there's so little data so i made up dates
April 19, 2028: "Ouch. Our first forecast for 2028 shows the worst map for Democrats since 1984." - Fox News
May 3, 2028: "Can Tentacles overcome a culture war environment and pass his long overdue healthcare policies?" - MSNBC News
June 6, 2028 - "The rebounding stock market has begun to dip. This is bad news for the GOP." - Vox
August 1, 2028: "JD Vance drops out, Democrats and CPUSA fuse; everything that has happened since July"[a]
August 15, 2028: "Radical leftist Democratic-communists add universal healthcare to their policy platform just before the Lexington DCNC. Here's how that would affect the budget and bloat debt." - Fox News
August 21, 2028: "Squidward Tentacles selects Elizabeth Warren as his running mate during the DCNC" - Associated Press
September 3, 2028: "The stock market has dipped to record lows since 2008. Will this cause America to abandon prosperity?" - Foundation for Economic Education
September 23, 2028: "Mike Johnson stutters on debate stage, polls suggest Tentacles won" - Associated Press
October 9, 2028: "Kalshi shows Tentacles winning 270 electoral votes for first time this season" - 538
October 27, 2028: "Our final polls for each state" - gallup
Election Night
6-7:00 PM: "We can now project the states of Indiana, Kentucky, and South Carolina for Mike Johnson. Virginia, Vermont, Georgia, and Florida[b] are projected for Squidward Tentacles." - literally every major news outlet
7:00 PM: "There is still hope for American anti-Communism. Johnson's polling has been consistently good and scored a surprise shock poll in California. He will win this, mark my words." - Karl Rove on Fox News
7:30 PM: "We can now project West Virginia, Ohio, and North Carolina for Mike Johnson." - literally every major news outlet
7:30 PM: "These three states being called for Johnson prove that he will be able to eke out a narrow victory tonight; as assuming the numbers are exactly the same as Trump four years ago, Johnson would win a bare 270 electoral votes, just enough to carry the Speaker to the Presidency." - Fox News
7:30 PM: "With the exception of North Carolina, these are safely red states; nothing to see here. North Carolina also leans Republican." - MSNBC News
8:00 PM: "[insert a bunch of states called here]" - every major news outlet
8:30 PM: "We can now project Arkansas for Mike Johnson." - every news outlet
8:30 PM: "Arkansas is one of those safely Republican states, having not voted for the Democrats since 1996. No surprise." - MSNBC News
9:00 PM: "[insert a bunch of state calls here]" - literally every major news outlet
9:00 PM: "The only hope for the Johnson campaign is to somehow win California. Given how blue that state is, a Johnson victory is practically impossible.." - MSNBC News
9:00 PM; "Liberal communists are going to have second thoughts once they see the key state of Wisconsin, which granted Trump the presidency just four years ago, vote for Johnson." - Fox News
10:00 PM: "We can now project Utah, Idaho, and Montana for MIke Johnson, and Nevada for Squidward Tentacles." - every major news outlet
11:00 PM: "We can now project that Squidward Tentacles has won California, and the presidency." - every major news outlet
11:00 PM: "Oh, god, my head hurts. America could've chosen four more years of free markets, free minds, and free prosperity, but they chose radical Democrat ideas of closed markets, closed minds, and closed off prosperity. No, THEY, the elite Deep State, committed voter fraud on such a widespread scale that it outweighed the actual American vote. I'm telling ya, if there wasn't voter fraud, Johnson would have fared better than Reagan." - Jesse Watters on Fox News
11:00 PM: "Time and time again, America has rejected right-wing extremism. And even when we as Americans haven't rejected it, we left them harder paths to passing legislation. Tentacles' victory showcases our unification against extremism." - Rachel Maddow on MSNBC
Final map
2028 Senate elections:
DC: 53 (3)
GOP: 47 (-3)
House:
DC: 299
R: 136
The Calm before the Storm
November 9, 2028: "How did DemCons score a supermajority in the house and a narrow majority in the Senate? Gerrymandering." - America PAC
November 19, 2028: "Tentacles and Warren promise to 'fight corporations like T.R. did' at rally in Dallas, Texas" - Newsmax
December 7, 2028: "America is on the path to socialistic moral degeneracy. The right shall stop it." - Larry Craig
December 17, 2028: "Senate DemCons get to work on measures that would make President-elect Tentacles a dictator" - ACLU
December 27, 2028: "Political cartoon makes waves in anti-Tentacles circles comparing the President-elect to a squonk" - WaPo
January 2, 2029: "Senate and House sworn in" - MSNBC news
The Tentacles Presidency
January 20, 2029: "President Tentacles and Veep Warren sworn in" - CNN
January 23, 2029: "President Tentacles signs executive order increasing the power of the president during states of emergencies" - WaPo
February 3, 2029: "President Tentacles appoints six new loyalists to the Supreme Court replacing the six conservative judges; court unanimously left-wing" - Yahoo
February 17, 2029: "22nd Amendment repealed after being railroaded through the last state legislatures" - Bloomberg
February 29, 2029: "Executive Order 17823 mandating 2 hours of quiet time in the Capitol signed" - MSNBC News
March 27, 2029: "Voter ID laws pass with bipartisan support federally" - CBS News
April 2, 2029: "Senate rules amended to have the President cast tie breaking votes" - Reuters
May 1, 2029: "How have the first 100 days of the Tentacles presidency gone? Not great." - Vox
May 7, 2029: "Tentacles AG bans dark romance books under the Comstock Act" - Associated Press
May 13, 2029: "Attorney General Kelpy has unfairly banned dark literature. We're going to fight this." - American Civil Liberties Union
May 16, 2029: "Supreme Court narrowly upholds 'Kelpy regulations', in case Romero v. G" -
May 23, 2029: "President Tentacles and Veep Warren's relations are growing cold" -
June 2, 2029: "President Tentacles allegedly said in a private conversation he was 'sick of Liz and would rather appoint Tammy'" - Reuters
June 7, 2029: "Warren storms out of Capitol; Secretary of Health and Human Services Tammy Baldwin appointed to Vice President" - ABC News
June 27, 2029: "Kathleen Sebellius appointed to HHS position" - Reuters
July 3, 2029: "Voting Rights Act repealed by Republican senators and 'Tankie Democrats'" - Politico
July 13, 2029: "Reports show Tentacles plans to run for a second term" - AP
August 29, 2029: "Polls show the Wisconsin and Massachusetts senate races are getting closer than usual" - WaPo
September 3, 2029: ""regdtmgiofgkfdlggh" tweets President Tentacles, prompting concerns about his health" - Bloomberg
September 9, 2029: "Tentacles met with negative approval ratings for the first time in his Presidency; 49% of Americans approve of his administration" -
September 27, 2029: "The American people could've had Reagan-like prosperity. But no, they picked socialistic communism. They are learning." - Fox News
October 7, 2029: "President Tentacles has salvaged his approval rating; now 57%" - Yahoo
October 14, 2029: "President Tentacles signs Medicare for All Act" - Bloomberg
October 21, 2029: "President Tentacles, despite democratic backsliding, is growing in popularity" - ABC News
October 27, 2029: "President declares state of emergency citing a 'corruption wave'; federal government goes into surveillance mode" -
November 5, 2029: "Dem-Cons sweep WI and MA special elections" - Forbes
November 7, 2029: "Tentacles' first term has been focused on healthcare and centralizing the government. Will his second term involve appealing to the Communist faction?" - Slate
November 11, 2029: "Could the Wisconsin race in a state Tentacles lost a year ago mean bad news for the GOP next year?" - PoliticsHome
November 17, 2029: "President Tentacles unexpectedly regulates businesses to a choking point" -
November 23, 2029: "Universal basic income signed into law by President Tentacles" - Politico
November 29, 2029: "With universal basic income in law now, America is completely socialist. We are calling for America to elect a conservative congress next year to halt the Marxist Tentacles-Baldwin agenda." - Fox News
December 2, 2029: "President Tentacles implements Schedule F policies against Baldwin's wishes" - Reuters
December 6, 2029: "Baldwin resigns as VP; calls out Tentacles' 'authoritarian tendencies'" - AP
December 9, 2029: "Tentacles taps Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for VP - NBC News
December 13, 2029: "Conservative ex-justice Amy Coney Barett calls out Tentacles / Ocasio-Cortez as 'radical leftist Marxist Democrats'" - Fox News
December 22, 2029: "President Tentacles executes using the Fourteenth Amendment as justification" - Politico
December 23, 2029: "The execution spree continues; President Tentacles executes Elon Musk for 'treason and corruption'" - Yahoo
December 24, 2029: "Tentacles, end this authoritarian execution spree." ACLU
December 25, 2029: "ACLU director Anthony D. Romero found dead" - Reuters
December 27, 2029: "The 'corruption wave' state of emergency was used only for authoritarianism. People will realize that." - Slate
January 2, 2030: "The new Congress has been sworn in; Senators Bryan Steil and Maura Healey sworn in' - Politico
January 6, 2030: "Allegations of Tentacles extrajudicially executing prominent civil liberties leaders begin to swirl" - AP
January 9, 2030: "MMW: Tentacles will double down on the authoritarianism after the midterms" - r/markmywords poster
January 13, 2030: "President Tentacles signs 'nonprofit killer' Stop Terror-Financing and Tax Penalties on American Hostages Act" - Bloomberg
January 16, 2030: "Opinion: The ACLU was one of the first groups defunded by Tentacles under H.R. 9495. He knew exactly what he was doing." - The Washington Post
January 20, 2030: "One year into the Tentacles Presidency, he's focused on expanding the government and silencing dissent. This needs to stop." - Vox
January 23, 2030: "We already see a large leftist opposition to Tentacles, the midterms can't go well for Tankie dems" - anonymous internet poster
January 27, 2030: "Senator Mary Peltola announces her splinter candidacy" - Daily Sitka Sentinel
February 1, 2030: "Equal Rights Amendment railroaded through Congress and DemCon legislatures; Tentacles promises to 'pass it by April'" - Reuters
February 29, 2030: "ERA finally passes the last legislatures and ratified as 28th amendment" - AP
March 3, 2030: "Tentacles' approval rating drastically increases to 81%" - Politico
March 7, 2030: "Early Peltola v Tentacles polls indicate a clear victory for Tentacles" - Morning Consult
March 11, 2030: "Why the hell is the GOP trending so much more leftist?" - r/Conservative poster
March 15, 2030: "Mary Peltola found dead in Galena" - Yahoo
March 21, 2030: "Fox Corporation abolished in court case and sold off to the government" -
April 6, 2030: "President Tentacles signs internet regulation bill that puts moderation into the hands of the federal government" - Reuters
April 21, 2030: "Vice President Ocasio-Cortez resigns" - Business Insider
April 23, 2030: "President Tentacles and 'Tankie Democrats' pass 29th amendment, which completely abolishes the Vice President position and delegating VP duties to the President" - NPR
May 1, 2030: "Republicans add 'Restoration of the Vice Presidential position' to their platform" -
May 7, 2030: "Republican Party stripped of federal funding by executive order" - Politico
May 14, 2030: "'Democracy Act' passed by Congress; adds grandfather clauses and poll taxes to FEC guidelines" -
May 21, 2030: "These new sweeping 'anti-reforms' in voting aren't directed at African-Americans; but at the opposition." -
May 24, 2030: "Angry President Tentacles orders government officials to 'kill the opposition'" Politico
May 30, 2030: "President Tentacles signs law replacing all news sources with one federal news and executing the opposition" - dark web source
June 2, 2030: "Democracy is well and alive in America, no matter how much the radical Opposition tells you it isn't." - Federal News
June 6, 2030: "Three new people join the race; Secretary of State Sandy Cheeks, Attorney General Kelpy G, and UN Ambassador Plankton" - Federal News
June 23, 2030: "These are all pro-Tentacles candidates. I've never trusted our government since the suspicious state of emergency executive order. And months later, what did he do? Declare a state of emergency. Now we have a government-regulated internet, a dead Voting Rights act, and a packed Court." - anonymous dark web poster
July 2, 2030: "'Pro-Tentacles' commenter identified as James McLay and executed. This is a step in the right direction." - Federal News
July 5, 2030: "Senate and House dissolved in 30th Amendment; all power is now delegated to the President" - Federal News
July 23, 2030: "Tentacles sends federal troops to Canada" - Federal News
August 2, 2030: "Trudeau capitulates; Canadian provinces now 51st-63rd states" - Federal News
August 7, 2030: "Tentacles annexes Greenland" - Federal News
August 17, 2030: "Tentacles proclaims American Empire" - Federal News
August 23, 2030: "Tentacles annexes a 'large amount of territories'" - Federal News
August 30, 2030: "Is anyone else concerned about America?" r/politics post
September 6, 2030: "President Tentacles announces he will not hold midterm elections" - Federal News
September 23, 2030: "Controversial American monarch Squidward Tentacles assassinated in Dallas, Texas" - r/politics
[a]This happens for lore reasons dw [b]GOP voter turnout dipped while D turnout surged