Avengers: Hunt for the Winter Soldier – Ch 5. One Man's Worth
(Dr. Golden speaks with Steve about the files and tries to guide him through churned up emotions)
Bruce entered the Soldier's room at 3:10 p.m. to check on the systems that were supporting his well-being. He'd stopped in numerous times throughout the day to check on him and to assure him that he hadn't been forgotten. Each time he'd entered the room the Soldier had glared at him and refused to speak to him. He simply stared at the ceiling or turned his face away.
Bruce realized that the room was empty of any stimulation at all. There were no people for him to speak to or to simply just listen to, he couldn't move or do anything for himself as he was bound to the bed for everyone's safety. So Bruce picked up the remote and turned on the television. He glanced at the man on the bed as the TV screen came to life and noticed that the Soldier's eyes moved toward the sound of the television when it came on as if it was an unknown thing. The Soldier stared at the television screen for a moment and then turned away from it. Bruce lowered the volume to a more comfortable level then changed out the empty fluid bag on the IV stand with a fresh one. He tossed the empty bag into the trash receptacle nearby and then looked at the Soldier.
"Are you in pain?" he asked the man.
The Soldier turned his head to glare at him, and his face screwed up into a confused expression. He didn't understand why these people cared so much as to how he was feeling or if he was in pain. No one ever asked him these things before and he didn't know how to respond. If he said he was feeling pain, would they cause him more? It was safest to not answer at all.
Bruce had opted to assume the man was in some level of discomfort, given his injuries and the concussion he'd suffered upon impact with the water. He simply added a pain reliever into the IV port to help take the edge off for his patient.
Natasha led the way outside for some fresh air. Steve and Dr. Golden followed her silently. Steve's thoughts were on what he'd read in the Winter Soldier files and Emily gave him space to mull over what he'd read so far. Once they stepped out the double glass door, the warm breeze was the first thing to greet them. The sun was shining and the song birds twittering made their situation seem surreal. How could anyone have a problem on a day like today?
The three walked silently to the garden area where a few benches were set short distances from each other in the shade of a large maple tree. Emily looked around and thought it was a perfect spot to discuss what Steve had learned. It was warm and calm outside; a perfect opposite to what she was sure Capt. Rogers was feeling at the moment.
Emily chose a bench and sat down. Natasha chose the next closest bench. She felt the need to give them some space and a sense of privacy while remaining close enough to lend Steve some familiar comfort. Emily gave her a smile and appreciated that the Black Widow didn't need direction in these matters. She would be a wonderful partner to assist throughout this assignment, Emily realized.
Dr. Golden turned her attention to Capt. Rogers who stood a few feet away lost in his own thoughts. She patted her hand on the bench seat beside her. "Come sit with me, Steve," she invited.
Steve turned toward her, but stared at the grass at his feet when he spoke. "I don't know where to even begin," he told her.
"Why don't you start with how you feel about what you've learned so far?" she replied.
"How I feel…" Steve echoed and then looked right at her. "I feel angry! I feel outraged!" he told her, raising his voice. "They had no right! They had no right to do that to Bucky!"
"No, they didn't," she agreed. "That's what makes him a victim, not a villain. He didn't choose to have this done to him. Everything that was done to him was done without his consent or knowledge."
"They mutilated him…" Steve said; tears of anger and grief welled up in his eyes. "Not just that... they beat him down, literally. How helpless he must have felt. How lost and alone... He needed me… and I wasn't there for him." He couldn't hold back the angry tears.
"Steve, remember what I told you the other day," Dr. Golden reminded him. "This isn't your fault."
"He followed me on those missions because I asked him to! He fell off that train because he was protecting me!" Steve told her; unable to see he was not to blame. "That should never have happened. I was the stronger of us. I treated him like a partner... an equal, when I should have been protecting him."
"Do you honestly believe the only reason James was there was because you asked him to follow you?" she asked. "I think, considering the friendship you shared, that he would have followed you whether you had asked or not."
"That's not the point," Steve replied.
"It most certainly is the point, Captain," she retorted. "Did you respect your friend? Did you respect him to make his own sound choices for himself?" Her words echoed those spoken by Peggy Carter many years ago.
"Of course, I did," Steve told her; it was the same answer he'd given Agent Carter in 1944.
"Then you have to realize that he is the only one who made the decision to be there that day, in that situation. This isn't about you, remember?" she reminded him.
"He didn't choose that!" Steve said, pointing back toward the building that now housed the Winter Soldier.
"You're confusing the two, Captain," Emily told him. "Sgt. Barnes' decision to follow you into battle is separate from his capture and being turned into an assassin. Of course, he didn't choose to be what he is now, but he chose to be there for you."
Steve listened to her and then paused to think about what she'd said. Then Emily offered another insight.
"Do you realize just how lucky you and Bucky are?" she asked him.
Steve looked at her. "Lucky? You call that lucky?"
"I'm talking about the two of you being friends… since a very young age," she explained. "As you have stated multiple times, you and he were best friends your entire lives… until he disappeared."
"Yes," Steve acknowledged.
"The bond you have with your best friend is not to be taken lightly. And any person who didn't truly understand such a bond with another is a person who never experienced one. The bond between best friends can be very strong, even when they are apart… and the strength of that bond draws you back in, seamlessly, when you're needed; exactly as it has drawn you back in because you are needed."
Steve listened without responding.
"Many of us have been lucky to have at least one best friend in our lives by the time we reach adulthood. The relationship we have with our best friend is often our earliest intimate relationship, and it can be a source of great comfort and connection throughout our lives."
Steve nodded and allowed her to keep talking because he wanted to hear what she was saying; he needed to hear this, and he soaked it up like a sponge. Often through the years he'd wondered if his strong feelings for Bucky Barnes were out of the ordinary or if the connection they shared was outrageously strong. Dr. Golden was giving validation to the feelings he'd always had for his best friend.
"The details of the relationship between best friends can change as we grow up and grow older, but the heart of it remains the same," she told him. "Our best friends are a warm and comforting refuge in a chaotic world. They are the place in which we feel completely free to be our full, true selves; to share our deepest secrets, to find rest when we are tired, to celebrate when we are happy and find comfort when we are hurt or sad," she paused a moment and then added. "They are our place in which we feel completely safe to give and receive that most precious of all gifts… love."
The more she spoke of what it meant to have a true and best friend, the more Steven felt cheated out of the time he should have had with Bucky in the years that followed his "death". Emily's voice pulled his attention back to her.
"Most intimate relationships such as this will experience bumps from time to time, but one of the hallmarks of an enduring best friend relationship is its ability to ride out the turbulence that can occur; and it remains intact even as it faces those changes."
Dr. Golden's words hit home for Steven. His friendship with Bucky had faced a lot of changes over their years together; the death of Steve's dad when he was very young and then, years later, the death of Steve's mom. Bucky had enlisted in the Army and was scheduled to go off to war and Steve wanted so badly to go with him, but he'd had too many health issues to pass the physicals.
Steven G. Rogers wanted desperately to do his part and go fight Nazis with the rest of the men, and James B. Barnes was equally desperate in not wanting him to go. Steve wanted to enlist so he could go to war and protect Bucky, and Bucky was glad that he couldn't be accepted so he didn't have to worry about his best friend going to war. They each were willing to face death if it meant keeping the other safe.
The most significant change their friendship had faced was after Dr. Erskine had given Steve the super soldier serum. The first time Bucky had seen him after the procedure was when Steve came to his rescue as a POW. The moment Bucky realized that his scrawny friend, whom had always needed his protection in the past, was now his protector and rescuer, he was in awe. Most anyone else would have felt threatened, or may have worried that they would no longer be needed, but Bucky accepted him in his new form without question.
Well, Bucky had had two questions actually. Did it hurt? and Is it permanent? Steve smiled at the memory. Bucky had always accepted Steven G. Rogers for being Steven G. Rogers… regardless of the package he came in. Steve had to fight back his emotions that tried to force their way out, his chin quivered with the struggle. When the rest of the world worshipped Captain America, it was James Barnes who had always been there for Steve Rogers.
"Our best friends are those who manage to love us through all of our transitions, and we do the same for them," Emily continued, as if she had read Steve's thoughts and he looked at her a bit startled. "We find ways to embrace and appreciate the differences that set us apart from one another, and, as a best friend, we offer love and support no matter what. We allow each other to be exactly what and who we are at any given moment; even as we allow, and accept the fact, that we will each change over time as we adapt to the experiences life gives us."
Steve turned to her with a thought. "Wouldn't that mean that I should support and accept him the way he is now?"
"As the Soldier?" Emily tried to ascertain what he was asking.
"Yes," he said. "If I'm to accept the fact that we each have changed over time as we adapt to our individual life experiences… wouldn't that mean I should accept him for the way he is now?"
"Not at all," Dr. Golden replied. "The man you brought back here for intervention is not the man your friend wants to be. He's under someone else's influence. Our hope is that we will be able to free him from that influence. And if we are successful, the man who will be standing in front of you in the end is the one you will want to accept for all that he has gone through and will now carry those experiences with him for the rest of his life... and it won't be an easy life for him. He has suffered a lot and he will continue to suffer, but in different ways going forward than he has suffered in the past."
Steve nodded; clearly understanding the difference.
"Our best friends are the family we choose to have in our lives, and they are often a stronger support structure than the family into which we are born. As best friends, you both know you will stick together regardless of where your individual paths lead. That's what a true best friend does. It's who our best friend is in the core of their being."
Steve nodded; as that was precisely how he felt, deep in his soul; and why this entire ordeal hurt so much.
"The bond we have with our best friend is always strong, whether you see and talk to each other every day, or you don't speak to him for a year… or seventy," she said.
Steve looked at her and even offered a small grin at how absurd that would sound to anyone else. "Bucky did that for me, when I became Captain America," Steve told her.
Emily knew that already; she gave him a compassionate smile and nodded. She wasn't going to stop his thoughts from being voiced, nor his feelings from being expressed. She knew their roles had changed as each other's protector and their friendship had survived the shift without a single bump. That said a lot about their relationship. There was no ego involved between the two men; only their love and support of one another.
"He once made a joke about being Captain America's sidekick," Steve told her and then shook his head with the memory. "I never saw him as a sidekick… that would have indicated that I saw him as a second seat to me. That was never the case… ever. We were partners."
"I know," she assured him. "I'm certain Bucky knew that too. The fact that he allowed that shift to happen without any ego involvement says a lot about his love and respect for you," she pointed out to him. "It's natural for shifts to happen in any relationship. Bucky had the opportunity to embody a nurturing and protective stance in your relationship early on… and then your roles reversed, and, instead of his ego becoming injured by it, he embraced it. He now had the opportunity to step back and watch you thrive and claim the identity he always knew you had inside you."
Steve smiled at that as he realized she was right. Bucky had never treated Steve as if he was incapable of anything; despite his small size and sickly nature in his pre-serum days. It was the strength of Steve's character that drew in James Barnes and secured him as an anchor throughout Steve's life.
"There's a lot to be said for a person who takes their turn stepping into a supporting role in any relationship," she told him. "When that person is consciously aware of the shift that is happening; and accepts it, and their new role within that relationship, it allows the ebb and flow of change and growth to remain fair and equal. The most important part of that process is open communication, where each person has a chance to express how they feel about the change in their roles. Each time a dynamic shift occurs, an open celebration of acknowledgment can add an air of distinction to the moment."
"Well, Bucky and I never really talked about the shift in our roles. It just seemed to happen naturally," Steve told her.
"Are you sure about that?" she asked with a small smile.
"Pretty sure," he replied.
"I think you did celebrate it and didn't even realize that's what you were doing," she told him. "The celebration of that shift doesn't have to be an elaborate ritual or ceremony, it could have been a simple word of acknowledgement in which neither of you realized the weight of its significance at the time."
Steve thought about it for a moment and then nodded as he now realized when that had happened. "When I asked him if he was willing to follow Captain America into battle…" Steve told her. Emily nodded and smiled, knowing the answer. "He had said, "Hell no… that skinny kid from Brooklyn who wouldn't run away from a fight… I'm following him."
Emily smiled openly. "That was Bucky's way of handing the baton off to you. He recognized that it was your time to step out of the box. That it was your time to fly; to expand your horizons in ways that were inaccessible to you before that moment… and he, as your best and truest friend, was going to be there to support you, Steven Rogers, as he always had."
Steve began to feel overwhelmed. He walked to the bench and dropped down heavily in the spot in which Emily had originally invited him to sit. He rubbed his face hard with both hands and when he dropped them to his lap, she could see the tears he was trying hard to hold back.
"I think you've had enough for today," she told him and Steve immediately shook his head.
"I'm good. I want to read more," he told her.
"No," she refuted. "It'll all be there tomorrow. You need a break. Take the time to really absorb what you've seen and read so far. I know I could use a cup of tea, how about you?"
"Sure," he agreed.
He and Emily stood up, which was the signal to Nat that she could come back and join them. She walked over to Steve to check on him and could see his emotions had been churned up. She stepped close to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He accepted her hug of support and returned it.
"Come on, you two, let's get some tea," Emily said and led the way back inside. Nat and Steve followed her slowly; speaking softly with their arms around each other. Steve wiped at his eyes when tears escaped down his cheek and listened to what Nat was saying to him as they walked.
At 5:30 p.m., Bruce entered the room again, this time carrying a tray. The smell of the freshly cooked meal caught the Soldier's attention and he turned his face toward the door. He watched Banner walk toward him and then stop. A few moments later a blonde woman entered pushing a rolling tray table toward the bed. The Soldier watched the two with disconnected interest. His blue eyes caught the blonde woman's gaze and she gave him a smile. He simply scowled back at both of them.
Banner approached, placed the dinner tray on top of the table and maneuvered it closer to the bed. He removed the cover on the plate to reveal a full steak dinner complete with mashed potatoes and a squash/zucchini side.
"I bet you're hungry," Bruce stated. The man hadn't had anything of substance to eat since he'd arrived. The IV fluids would keep him hydrated and provided nutrients but it was hardly satisfying or filling. The Soldier said nothing. He simply stared at Banner, wondering who he was and what exactly he wanted from him. Bruce paused, looking at the man who simply stared back unblinking. It was unnerving to say the least. "Umm, I can't release you, because… well, I don't want you to kill me," Bruce told the man honestly. "I'm not really versed in this part…"
"Let me," Dr. Golden interjected. "I'll do it," she told him and, as Bruce moved away from the side of the bed, she moved in close. The Soldier now stared at her and Emily looked back at him with an amicable expression. She blinked at him as she watched him watching her. She wondered how long he could stare at her without blinking. Then she glanced at the tray and picked up the utensils, looking back at Barnes every few seconds.
She chose the spoon to scoop up some of the potatoes and moved it toward his mouth. His gaze moved from her face to the spoon and, as it got closer, he turned away from it, even as his stomach gave a protesting rumble. Emily retracted her arm and waited. She clearly heard his stomach rumble because it was obviously empty. He was simply being stubborn or didn't trust the food was safe. A few moments passed and the man slowly turned again to look at her out of the corner of his eye. His distrust was palpable.
As he looked at her with a sidelong gaze, Emily raised the spoon again. He glanced at it and right back to her face without blinking. The monitor over his left shoulder began beeping faster and Emily looked up at it. His heart rate was speeding up which meant his adrenaline was beginning to surge. She looked back down at Barnes who had turned his head and was now staring directly at her. Emily straightened. It was obvious to her that his adrenaline was building because he was forming a plan in his head as to how to take her down. Emily backed away from him slowly and pulled the table away from the bed.
"I may need some assistance in here," she stated to the empty room.
The Soldier glanced around the room, wondering to whom she was speaking and, not seeing anyone else, he immediately began wrestling against his bindings. He let out an angry shout of frustration as the bed shook and slammed against the floor but the metal bonds wouldn't budge. He fought against the bindings, raising his body off the bed as he pulled against them. The sheet that covered him to his chest fell to his waist as he pulled himself upright into a sitting position, trying to get leverage he needed to snap the metal rings holding him. Steve, Tony and Sam ran into the room and Emily quickly moved out of their way. Emily had known the men were monitoring the room via the cc cameras which included an intercom system so the room could be monitored without having to stare at the screen.
"You okay?" Sam asked her, as Tony and Steve ran to the bed.
"Yes, I'm fine," she told him. "I had plenty of warning."
Steve and Tony pushed against the Soldier's shoulders trying to get him back down on the bed. He was strong and roared in defiance as he pushed back against the two Avengers. The Soldier used the strength of the bindings to his advantage; using them to assist him in remaining upright. The muscles in his arm and chest bulged as he pushed back against his captors. Steve let out a shout of his own and put everything he had into it.
The two super soldiers pushed against one another and it looked to Emily to be a stalemate until Steve put one knee up on the bed in order to get the leverage he needed to push the Soldier to the bed. With his forearm pressed hard across the man's chest, Steve pinned him to the mattress, putting his entire weight into the action.
"AAARRRRHHHHHHH!" the Soldier roared, raising his face toward Cap's. Steve pulled his face away in surprise, but maintained the pressure against the Soldier's chest. He wasn't sure if the Soldier had intended to bite him or was just using an intimidation tactic to get Rogers to falter. Perhaps that's why he wore a muzzle, Steve thought briefly and then shoved that thought aside.
"I'm sorry," Steve told his old friend quietly.
The Soldier glared at him.
"We're going to have to secure his head and shoulders to keep him down," Tony suggested.
Suddenly the Soldier stopped fighting back. The sudden halt in the fight made Steve and Tony look down at him to see he was looking at Stark. All at once his body relaxed under them and both Avengers let up on him a bit so as not to injure him.
"What happened?" Tony asked. Steve just shook his head, unsure himself. The sudden change in behavior confused them and neither was sure if he was playing them or if he, in fact, became calm in the face of Tony's suggestion. Dr. Golden stepped forward slowly and Sam followed in case he had to pull her to safety. Over Steve's shoulder the Soldier saw the blonde woman approach again. Instead of glaring at her, as he'd done previously, he averted his gaze completely. He was suddenly submissive, she realized.
"Sgt. Barnes?" she asked, wondering if the sudden shift in behavior was indicative of a sudden change in personality. She put a hand on Steve's shoulder and signaled him to back away. Steve nodded and he and Tony both released the man and stepped back. Dr. Golden stayed close to Captain Rogers, just in case, but made another attempt to make a connection with Barnes. "James? Can you hear me?"
The Soldier simply looked at the ceiling. His eyes danced around as he looked straight up, but he didn't try to look at any of them directly. It appeared to Emily that the shift in behavior was caused by the threat of having his head lashed down and nothing more. "I think we should clear the room," she suggested, keeping her tone calm and quiet. "Let's go."
Steve backed away and Tony moved around the bed carefully. As the team headed for the door, Sam remained where he was. He simply looked at the Soldier lying on the bed and the Soldier became aware of the one person who hadn't moved to leave with the others. He turned his head to look at his captor and seemed to recognize Wilson. He lifted his head off the pillow to look directly at Sam with an expression of particular interest. The Soldier, now staring right at him, unnerved Sam. He couldn't shake the feeling that this killer really wanted him dead. He swallowed a lump in his throat then turned and followed the others out of the room.
"What the hell was that?" Sam asked as the team gathered in the meeting room down the hall.
"I'm not sure," Dr. Golden admitted, "but the entire situation escalated very quickly."
"You called for assistance. What happened that you felt threatened?" Steve asked her.
"The heart monitor," she told him. "His heart rate and respirations were accelerating. I realized he was experiencing an adrenaline surge, which I suspected meant he was gearing up to exactly what happened. Before you all got there, he physically showed no signs of aggression. If it wasn't for the monitor he would have completely surprised me."
"He's a psychopath," Sam told them. "They can murder people with their bare hands without a change in heart beat."
"He's not a psychopath!" Steve argued.
"Did you see the way he looked at me?" Sam asked. "He has his sights on me."
"That's paranoia," Steve told him.
"Really-," Sam replied.
"He had a change in heart rate, Sam! That's why she called us in!" Steve exclaimed.
Sam stared at him with his mouth slightly ajar, realizing Steve was going to defend Barnes against all of them, no matter what. "Okay, you're not thinking clearly, so I'm out of here. Talk to you all later."
As Sam exited the room, Steve shook his head. "He shouldn't have been in there," he told the others.
"He wanted to help," Tony replied.
"He doesn't want to help," Steve responded. "He didn't want us to do this in the first place."
Tony looked to Emily who shook her head. Even she hadn't realized the impact this assignment was going to have on Rogers so early into it. He was determined to defend James Barnes against all his enemies, no matter who Steve perceived them to be.
TBC