Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Ch. 14
The Light and the Dark
The Soldier comes out of his fugue state and makes a connection that surprises Natasha. Steve's constant presence jars the Soldier's buried memories and they begin to rise to the surface.
By mutual, unspoken consent, the subject of the Winter Soldier was set aside and the four took a long, leisurely stroll around the grounds. When Bruce's stomach growled so loudly that everyone heard it, Sam laughed and led the way back inside and to the assembly room as they argued amiably about their favorite lunch items. The four headed back inside to share their afternoon meal and continue their casual visit.
After they'd eaten, Bruce put a light meal together for Steve and the Soldier; although Dr. Banner was pretty certain his patient would be in no condition to eat, but he wanted to be ready if it turned out he was wrong. Taking leave of his lunch companions, he carried the tray to the elevator and rode down alone.
When Bruce stepped into the room, the first thing he noticed was the Soldier sitting up on the edge of the bed, facing away from the door. He was naked but the bed sheets had not been thrown off as he'd turned to let his feet hang toward the floor so they still covered him from the waist down. Bruce froze as he noticed Steve was still lying on the edge of the mattress; asleep or unconscious, he wasn't sure.
Bruce stared at Steve for a moment and then his gaze was drawn to the blood on the sheets beside Steve's head. "What the hell happened?" He turned slowly; trying not to make a sound and set the tray down on the table, before making his way carefully toward Steve. The Soldier still hadn't moved or made any indication that he knew Banner was in the room.
When Bruce stepped up behind Steve, he reached out to check for a pulse. As his fingers made contact, Steve stirred. Bruce gently gripped the side of Steve's neck where it met with his shoulder as he woke.
"What's going on?" Steve asked, sleepily. His fingers rubbed against the wet sheet beneath his arm, curious as to why it was wet. "Bruce?" he asked, as he noticed the blood inches from his hand. He sat straight up, now on alert. He noticed the Soldier sitting on the edge of the mattress with his back to them.
Steve looked down and saw the IV line lying on the bed with the needle and catheter still attached to it. He lifted it and showed it to Bruce, not quite awake enough to understand what was going on.
Bruce looked down to see what Steve was holding up to show him. "He tore it from his arm," Bruce told him. "That's where the blood came from," he said, relieved that the Soldier hadn't harmed Steve while he slept nearby. "That's why the sheets are wet," he added. He took the needle from Steve's hand. He pinched the catheter closed to stop the drip, removed the needle and dropped it in the sharps container secured to the wall behind the bed.
Steve stared at the Soldier's back, studying the bulging scars that encircled the edge of the metal arm where it attached to his shoulder. He slowly stood up so as not to be at a disadvantage if the Soldier made a sudden move on them. He turned to look at Bruce who was now standing to his left, near the head of the bed, also staring at the Soldier's back. Steve moved slowly toward the foot of the bed, keeping an eye on Barnes as he moved closer.
The Soldier didn't move or even look up at him as he stepped closer. To Steve, it appeared as though he wasn't truly conscious. His eyes were open but his head was lowered and he was staring, unseeing, toward the floor. Steve raised a hand and waved it slowly in front of the Soldier's face to see if he could get the man's attention. The Soldier appeared blind to his actions and even his presence. Steve looked at Bruce and gave him a nod; Banner read the action as an all clear to come over. Bruce moved around the bed to see the Soldier staring at the floor in a drug infused fugue state.
"This is what happens when a high dose of Thorazine, Morphine, Anectine and other anti-psychotics are administered," he told Steve and went to his bag to get a few things to clean the open wound left behind from the IV catheter that was torn out of the Soldier's arm. "This is how Hydra was able to gain total control over him and from what I've seen in his files… it was the only way they could gain total control over him. He's one bad-ass soldier, that's for sure. No pun intended."
Steve gave Bruce a sad smile. He understood his words to be a compliment to Sgt. Barnes' fortitude in the face of overwhelming odds. He also now saw clearly the zombie-like effects of the drug cocktail Dr. Banner had given the Soldier this morning in order to subdue the side-effects from withdrawing too quickly.
Bruce took out an alcohol prep pad and washed the trail of blood from the Soldier's forearm. He took out a second alcohol pad and paused, glancing at the Soldier. He knew this was going to sting and then dabbed at the hole in his arm to keep infection from setting in. The man should have reacted to the sharp sting of the alcohol in the open wound, and Banner watched him closely as he cleaned the area. The Soldier never blinked or flinched. He showed no response to what should have been extremely painful stimuli; which also wasn't a great surprise considering the drugs he was on.
"I'm going to prepare an IV infusion therapy to see if I can deliver these drugs at a slower rate over a few days to try to keep this mental fog from happening, at least to this degree. At the same time I'll be able to provide what his system needs in order to keep him from experiencing more dangerous side effects from withdrawing too quickly." Banner mentioned to Steve as he placed a folded 4x4 dressing in the crook of the Soldier's elbow.
"More dangerous than what we saw this morning?" Steve asked.
"We were actually quite lucky this morning," Bruce told him as he applied a long piece of medical tape that encircled the Soldier's whole arm and pulled it tight to slow the bleeding. "What we saw this morning was just the beginning of what happens when an addict misses a dose. Because he's a super soldier, and due to the fact they've been injecting these drugs for decades, they've had to continually up the dosage in order to affect him the way they needed it to. His levels for many of these drugs are above 1000 cc's, which are astronomical amounts for human use.
"From what we saw and from what you explained had happened before I came in, he experienced the high fever, dizziness and loss of balance, hallucinations or, at the very least, visual anomalies. He was combative, experienced seizures, which also could have been from morphine withdrawal or convulsions due to the heightened fever or both… body tremors… what we didn't have to deal with were the nausea and vomiting that usually comes with it. That doesn't mean we won't see it, and other issues, later on."
"I can't believe Bucky's a drug addict," Steve remarked.
"Well… he doesn't know that he is," Bruce told him. "It certainly wasn't a conscious choice that he made for himself, but yes, he is. As we've already seen, his system is dependent on the drugs Hydra has forced into him for decades, but it's going to be much safer for him to go through the withdrawal process here, under the care of trained clinicians. Dr. Golden and I can monitor his health; both physical and psychological, in a controlled setting and ease his withdrawal symptoms, as well as help him through detoxification. You and the others will be here to lend emotional support. He's going to need a lot of that."
Steve nodded and then took a seat in the chair Sam had vacated earlier. He was now positioned directly in front of the Soldier but at a level lower than the bed so he could watch him more directly.
Bruce stepped between the two men and opened a cabinet on the wall. He pulled out a clean patient gown and turned back, handing it to Steve. "Might as well put a johnny on him, since we can't seem to keep him under the covers," Bruce told him and moved around to the opposite side of the bed, behind the Soldier.
Steve took the johnny and stood up. He reached through the sleeve to take Bucky's right hand and lifted it off the bed, pulling it through the sleeve as he draped the cloth up over his shoulder. He did the same with the other hand; pausing only briefly to focus on the cool feel of the metal, before lifting it off the edge of the mattress. The weight of the metal left arm was significant compared to the Soldier's biological right arm. Steve realized that the disproportionate weights were probably the reason for Bucky's new and unfamiliar stride when he walked. Steve pulled the gown up the metal arm, laying the hand back down, and Bruce reached across the bed to tie the gown closed at the base of his neck and halfway down his back.
"Make sure he doesn't fall off the bed… and call me if there's any change," Bruce mentioned as he left the room.
"I will," Steve told him.
"Oh, and I brought you lunch. Thought you might be hungry," Banner mentioned, gesturing toward the tray on the table near the door.
Steve smiled. "Thanks."
Bruce nodded and exited, closing the door behind him.
Now alone with his friend, Steve laid his hand gently on the top of the Bucky's head. The Soldier didn't react to his touch. Steve dropped his hand and pressed his fingers under the man's chin, lifting his face up so he could see Bucky's face. The Soldier didn't resist, but his eyes were still unseeing and seemed to stare through him.
Steve held him there and used his other hand to sweep the long, unruly hair away from his face. He stared at Bucky for a long time, seeing his childhood friend in the other man's features and wishing to see recognition flash in those steel blue eyes. When minutes passed and the Soldier still hadn't blinked, Steve swallowed and slowly wrapped his hand around the back of the man's head. He pulled him closer and draped his arm around Bucky's shoulders, holding him there in a gentle embrace; his forehead now pressed against Steve's chest. Steve just stood there holding him for a while, praying that one day he'd be able to do this and his friend would know he was being held by someone who cared about him.
An hour later, Dr. Banner and Dr. Golden returned to the room to find Steve seated in the chair in front of the Soldier. He was talking softly to him, apparently recounting stories of their early years together and telling Barnes of the adventures they'd gone on together. Steve paused and smiled at them as they entered.
Emily smiled back and then stopped. "Is he listening to you?" she asked.
"I hope so," Steve told her.
She came around the bed to see the Soldier was still in a stupor; his head hung low and his eyes staring blankly toward the floor.
"Time to settle him back down," Dr. Banner told him. He raised the head of the bed to a comfortable 45 degree angle and with Steve's assistance they were able to lay the Soldier back and raise his legs onto the mattress. Steve covered him with a clean, dry sheet and a light blanket before sitting back down in the molded plastic chair to remain beside him.
"I'll bring you one of the reclining chairs from the other room," Bruce told him. "Since you refuse to leave, might as well be able to get some sort of decent rest."
Steve smiled at him. "Thanks, Bruce."
"He's going to be like this until the drugs loosen their hold on him. From Hydra's files I'd expect at least 48 hours. You really don't have to stay here the entire time," Bruce told him, trying to reason with Captain Rogers.
"That's okay," Steve told him. "I'm good."
36 hours later
Steve woke up in the recliner with a blanket draped over him. Sam and Bruce had brought the chair in the day before when it became evident that he absolutely wasn't going to leave the room to get rest. They positioned it at the foot of the bed, in the corner where Banner and Golden had set up their work area two days prior. The position was perfect so he could watch over Barnes and see down the hallway at the same time.
When he opened his eyes he blinked a few times before realizing that what he was seeing was actually happening and not a dream. The Soldier was sitting up, still reclined on the bed, looking at him. The drug induced fugue state apparently had run its course, as Bruce had told him it would.
"Hey," Steve said. He wiped his sleepy eyes with the back of his hand and adjusted his position in the chair; sitting up and bringing the foot rest back down. "How are you feeling?" he asked. The Soldier just stared at him, but he no longer stared blindly. He was staring at Steve with a serious frown. "Are you okay?" he asked, starting to get concerned.
Steve pulled the blanket aside intending to get up when movement in the hall caught his attention. He grinned as Natasha walked into the room. She paused when she saw the Soldier looking at Steve. "He's awake," she said and smiled.
The Soldier turned to look at her and his expression shifted; his eyes widened as if in surprise. "Malen'kaya Mysh…" he said softly.
Natasha's smile disappeared and she stared at the Soldier in shock. Steve watched both of them, looking from one to the other.
"Natasha? What did he say?" Steve asked, realizing something just happened between them. It took Natasha another moment to answer.
"He just called me… Little Mouse," she told Steve.
"What?" Steve replied. "He recognizes you?"
"Apparently," she answered, still staring at the Soldier in surprise.
"Gde my? Chto eto za mesto? Kto eti lyudi?" Where are we? What is this place? Who are these people? The Soldier rattled off questions and Natasha put her hands up in front of her; asking him to wait so she could take his questions one at a time.
"My v nadezhnom meste. Eti lyudi druz'ya i pytayutsya vam pomoch'," We are safe in a safe place. These people are friends and they're trying to help you. she told him.
"Natasha?" Steve said, requesting a translation. The Soldier looked at him when he said her name.
"He asked where we are and who you are… and the others," she told him. "I told him that he's safe and that you are friends trying to help him."
"Mne ne nuzhna pomoshch'. Nam nuzhno vernut'sya na Gidru. Oni budut iskat' nas," he told her more forcefully.
"He said he doesn't need any help. He says Hydra will come looking for us," Natasha translated for Steve. Then she directed her words to the Soldier, "Gidra tebya zdes' ne naydet. Ty v bezopasnosti." Hydra won't find you here. You're safe.
"Bezopasno? V bezopasnosti ot chego?" Safe? Safe from what? he demanded to know.
"V bezopasnosti ot Gidry! Ot KGB ... ot vsekh. Vy pomnite menya. Vy pomnite Krasnuyu komnatu?" Safe from Hydra! From the KGB... from all of them! You remember me. Do you remember the Red Room? she replied, her tone just as desperate as his to understand.
Her question made him pause and he thought about it, searching his memories for the Red Room she spoke of. He saw flashes of a room full of young girls all dressed in black; fighting… killing. And her… he raised his eyes to look at her again. "YA pomnyu tebya ... myshonok," he told her. "Ty vyros." I remember you… little mouse. You grew up.
Natasha smiled at him. She nodded and had to fight back the tears she'd held inside for so long. "YA sdelal. Blagodarya tebe moy uchitel'," I did. Thanks to you… my teacher.
"Natasha?" Steve commented again.
"He remembers me," she told him. "I'm making a connection with him."
The Soldier's gaze shifted to Steve, he didn't know what to make of this American. Steve met the Soldier's steely gaze, wondering if he recognized him at all. The two men stared at one another and Natasha tried to get the Soldier to communicate to Rogers.
"Ty govorish' po-angliyski," she told him. You can speak English.
"YA by ne predpochel," he replied. I'd rather not.
"Pochemu net?" Why not? she asked him.
"Etot chelovek ... kto on?" This man… who is he? the Soldier asked. He raised his chin slightly as he spoke and Steve took that action to mean the Soldier was saying something about him. Steve straightened slightly and looked to Natasha.
She glanced at him before turning back to speak to the Soldier. "Vy vstrechalis' s nim ran'she. Ty pomnish'?" You've met him before. Do you remember?
The Soldier stared at Rogers and then his gaze dropped as his thoughts turned inward. Steve watched him as his expression changed from the slight scowl of suspicion to a deeper frown. It looked to Steve as though the Soldier was remembering something or at least trying to grasp onto a memory. His brow furrowed in concentration and Steve saw the deep crease between his eyebrows that he'd known so well in the past. The Soldier turned his face away as his eyes shifted, as if trying to chase the memory. It looked to Steve and Natasha that he was watching a scene playing out in his head as his eyes moved around following the action.
Steve could only pray silently that his presence was somehow jarring those memory fragments that Dr. Golden had told him about. To him and Natasha that was precisely what they thought was happening as they watched the Soldier.
At first his head was lowered and his eyes seemed focused inward, then he'd straighten and look toward the wall straight ahead but still not focusing on the wall. A moment later his head turned to the right and his gaze shifted past Natasha as if looking beyond her to another time and place. He took a couple of deep breaths and then blinked rapidly as if pushing the visions away. He looked at Natasha thoughtfully and then he looked at Steve.
Steve watched as the Soldier began to chew lightly on the inside of his bottom lip. That was Bucky. He knew in his heart that at that moment, the Soldier and Bucky were in the same headspace. Just for a moment and then it was gone. The Soldier blinked and it was as if he'd been reset; the crease between his eyebrows disappeared as the tension fell away from his features. And although he didn't look upon Steve with the same scowl of suspicion as he had just moments ago, he now seemed to be more curious about the man who was never far away.
"How are you feeling?" Steve asked him. The Soldier looked over at him but didn't respond. "If you're feeling up to it, we can take a walk. Maybe get some breakfast. I know I'm hungry… you must be too."
Natasha looked at Steve and he looked back at her as if asking if she disapproved of the idea. She smiled at him.
"I really want to be able to trust you," Steve told him. "I really do." The Soldier kept his gaze glued to Steve's as he spoke. "We don't want to hurt you in any way, but… we don't want you to hurt anyone here either."
The Soldier looked at him for a few more seconds and then dropped his gaze as he gave that some thought. He looked to Natasha. He knew her. She was the little mouse from the Red Room. He called her that because she was a natural at stealth and getting in and out of places she wasn't meant to go. She was small and agile and quite capable and he was glad she'd survived. That thought made him pause and question himself and his conditioning. He was glad she survived? Did he actually care that she'd survived? Where did that come from?
"I have no reason to hurt you," The Soldier told him.
Natasha looked to Steve with a small but genuine smile. She was happy that the Soldier chose, on his own, to speak to Steve in English. She didn't have to demand it, like the last time. It was a work in progress, but it was progress.
"Where are my clothes?" he asked.
"We can find you something to wear, other than that uniform," Steve told him. The Soldier looked at him as if not understanding. "Dr. Banner wants you to stay in the hospital gown for now," Steve explained. The Soldier dropped his gaze again as he listened to the man's words. "You haven't been feeling well," Steve told him. "It's easier for the doctors to treat you this way." The Soldier scowled slightly and Steve realized that, after all he'd read about how the Soldier was treated by Hydra and their doctors, that his words probably were not lending any sort of comfort to him. "I'm sorry."
The Soldier's hard gaze shot to Steve as he apologized. People didn't apologize to the asset. They didn't treat him with consideration at all as to how he felt physically or otherwise. He didn't understand this place or the people here. He didn't know what he was expected to do or how to react to them… or why he was being held here. He knew he could take them down if he had to, but he saw no immediate threats at this point.
"Let me see if there's something more-" Steve mentioned and walked past the Soldier to the cabinet that held the gowns. He searched the shelves and found what he was hoping for. "Aha, here we go," he said, turning around. He set the folded items on the bed. The Soldier looked at them, confused.
"It's basically the same thing you're wearing now… but instead of a gown it's… a shirt and pants." He unfolded them to show the Soldier and instead of little blue flower-type print these had soft grey and blue stripes. "A bit more masculine than that," Steve told him gesturing to the gown the Soldier now wore. "And, I'm sure, more comfortable. More like pajamas."
Pajamas. The Soldier stared at him without reacting. He tried to remember if he'd ever worn pajamas. The word triggered flashes in his head; two boys, one light-haired and the other dark, lying on cushions on the floor. They were talking and laughing, sometimes grabbing at each other in horseplay or wrestling… and wearing pajamas. As he followed the vision in his head, he noticed that the dark-haired boy was larger than the light-haired boy and when they wrestled the dark one took great care to not harm the light one. There was something very familiar about them, but he couldn't quite grasp what or why. The Soldier swallowed and looked at the blonde man again. Steve noticed the intensity in his stare and it made him pause, wondering what he was thinking about. The two stared at each other for a long minute and then Steve broke away from the Soldier's stare.
"Here," Steve said, moving the folded items aside and turned down the sheet. "Stand up." The Soldier shifted his legs over the side of the bed and slid off. "Slow and easy," Steve told him as he touched his elbow to keep him steady, just in case he lost his balance like the other day. The Soldier felt the man's hand gripping his elbow gently and he turned to look at Steve up close. "You okay? No dizziness?" Steve asked. The Soldier didn't answer, but his gaze was steady and unwavering so Steve figured that was all the answer he really needed.
The Soldier was getting an unusual sense that the man standing in front of him was the little blonde boy in his vision…but who was the other one? And why could he see this man as a boy in his head?
Steve let go of the Soldier's elbow and picked up the pants to hand to him. "Here, put these on first," he said. The Soldier took them and slid them on under the gown he wore. "Now this," Steve said, handing him the shirt. "Let me get the ties for you," he mentioned and stepped behind the Soldier to loosen the ties behind his neck and waist. The gown fell loose on his shoulders and slid off his arms on its own. He let it drop off his hands onto the floor.
Steve stared at the Soldier's shoulder where the metal met the flesh. It looked atrociously painful to him and he was sure that when it was new it probably was. The scar tissue had healed over the edge of the metal shoulder decades ago, but the sight of it only reminded Steve of the photos he'd seen of the amputation, the ghastly procedure to hollow out his shoulder to make room for the machine, and the placement of all the bionics and attached electronics. Steve finally pushed the thought away and became aware of the Soldier looking at him over his shoulder. His expression seemed to be one of concern or perhaps just curiosity as to what had made him pause.
"Sorry," Steve said and took the shirt from him. He opened it up and showed it to him. "This one goes over your head just like the tee shirt you put on the other day." The Soldier turned toward him and Steve took a moment to take in the size of his chest and shoulders. Steve wondered briefly if his added muscle mass was due to the super soldier serum, as Steve's was, or if it was simply a by-product from the immense work he'd been forced to do for the past seventy years.
The Soldier watched the blonde as his eyes roved over his body, wondering what he was thinking. Steve became aware of the Soldier's stare and pulled his attention back to what he was doing. He glanced at Natasha and realized she had been watching them the entire time and their interactions with each other. Steve felt heat in his cheeks as he blushed; realizing he'd been caught studying his friend's body and wondered what Natasha had thought of that. He draped the shirt over the Soldier's head and stepped back, putting a little distance between them.
When Steve moved away, the Soldier immediately put his left arm through the sleeve and then the right. He pulled it down over his torso and straightened it. He looked at Steve and Steve smiled and nodded.
"Much better," Steve told him. "Come on," he gestured for the Soldier to move ahead of him and he did, following Natasha down the hall.
As the trio strolled down the hall, the Soldier turned to look into each room they passed. A couple of the rooms looked like the room he'd just left and others appeared to be offices or conference rooms with assorted furnishings. None of the rooms had an immersion chair or a lightning station as he thought of it. He didn't see his cryo-cylinder either or any of the usual soldiers, shock troopers or handlers that he was accustomed to.
Natasha stopped in front of the elevator and looked at Steve. She grinned and shrugged. "Going up?" she asked, hoping.
Steve looked at the Soldier but he appeared distracted by his surroundings. Steve nodded. "Everyone should be in the assembly room… let's go there," Steve told her.
Natasha grinned again and pressed the Up arrow button and it lit up green. As the lift car behind the doors came down to get them and slowed to a stop, the sound of it caused the Soldier to turn back around with interest. The doors opened and he just stared at the empty car. He was confused about the lack of security surrounding him. He couldn't say he didn't like it, but it was extremely unusual.
He looked at Natasha and she smiled at him, raising her arm to invite him to step in first. He scowled and looked back at the empty car, but he didn't move. Steve realized the Soldier had no idea what was going to happen to him if he stepped behind those doors and they closed on him. Steve put his hands on the Soldier's arms and moved him half a step toward Natasha so he could get by. He stepped into the lift to show him there was nothing to fear. The Soldier paused a moment, seeing that the blonde was fine so he stepped in and Natasha followed. She pressed the button for the floor where the team usually met.
When the car reached the proper floor the doors slid open and the Soldier could see the spacious room across the hall. It had large windows and expensive looking furniture. Natasha stepped out and led the way. The Soldier followed her and Steve brought up the rear.
"Good morning," Natasha greeted those gathered in the assembly room having breakfast or had just finished their meal and now relaxing with a cup of coffee.
Everyone turned to greet her and every single face dropped in surprise to see the Winter Soldier standing there with Nat and Steve. Dr. Banner and Dr. Golden looked to one another and then slowly stood up.
Sam was seated with Wanda, Vision and Clint. Wanda and Vision just smiled at Natasha. Clint looked at them as if he wanted to say "Okay, what the fuck", but didn't and Sam slowly stood up to be on the same playing field as the Soldier if things turned quickly.
"Steve," Bruce greeted them as he slowly approached. The Soldier remembered this man as a doctor, but he'd not caused him any pain that he could remember. His expression remained neutral as Banner approached. "How are we doing today?" Bruce asked no one in particular as he looked at the Soldier closely. His skin color and temperature were back to normal, his eyes were not glassy, but the pupils were still dilated and that was to be expected considering the drugs in his system. Bruce was amazed though that he was able to metabolize those drugs and even out to a functional level so quickly.
The sunlight shining through the large windows caused the Soldier to squint and the bright light did seem to cause him discomfort. It wasn't that surprising, considering his pupils would not constrict because of the drugs and that inability caused an increased sensitivity and a reactive aversion to the excess light flooding his optic nerves. Bruce realized that was probably why Hydra had given him the tinted goggles to wear.
"He looks really good… considering," Bruce mentioned to Steve and Nat.
"Why don't the three of you join us?" Dr. Golden said, inviting them to sit down. "There's still plenty of food left."
Wanda took the cue from Emily and got up to put together three plates and Sam went to the kitchen to help her.
Steve led them to an open table and the Soldier kept glancing at the group of people staring at him as he followed. Natasha touched a chair, indicating for him to sit with his back to the windows and from where he could see everyone in the room. He took the seat and stared at all the people looking at him. Steve and Natasha took their seats to either side, leaving an empty seat across from him.
Dr. Golden remained in her seat at the next table since Natasha had chosen a seat for him that faced her. So instead of invading his space, she decided to observe him from a distance. She'd get a better view of his state of mind and his behavior if he didn't know he was being studied.
Wanda and Sam brought their plates over and set them down. The Soldier looked up at her as she set his plate down in front of him. She gave him a smile. He looked at her for a few moments; studying her face and her expression before looking down at his breakfast.
Dr. Golden watched their interaction closely. She noted that no matter how often people greeted him with a smile, he didn't smile back. He seemed to find all their actions toward him curious and unfamiliar. It was clear to her that his social skills were non-existent. He was as a hollow shell; emptied so long ago and never filled back up again. He didn't know how to smile, he didn't even know if he should; nor how to offer a proper greeting to others. He was an outsider gazing into a world that was alien to him. They'd gone to great lengths to make him an outcast, a misfit, a leper; they created a being that would never be able to fit in to normal society. The mind benders had succeeded in stripping this man of everything that had made him human. They did that to be sure he would always end up returning to them; to what was familiar and comfortable to him in the most twisted version of what 'familiar and comfortable' should be.
He was a living example of what happens to a person when deprived of the very qualities that makes a person truly human. He was complete desolation of the human spirit, on a scale of which she had only ever read about in her studies. He was destitute and soul starved by his severely impoverished condition; marked by hardship, hopelessness and the lack of any of life's comforts, including love and friendship.
Seeing the Winter Soldier here, sitting at a breakfast table right in front of her; in a social setting that was clearly alien to him, was surreal. It didn't even feel real to her and if it didn't feel real to her, 'How did it feel to him?' she wondered. She couldn't pull her eyes away from him. After having read so many detailed files on him and having studied his violent history; both committed against him, and that which he committed against society… this was probably the most surreal moment she'd ever experienced. The bruises on his face and neck were fading, but were still clear evidence of the violence he faced every day of his life, either by his own hand or someone else's.
But, she realized, he was here. He was eating breakfast at a table in a dining room and wearing pajamas. He was here with his best friend by his side and surrounded by a room full of people who were dedicated to helping him regain his humanity.
It was a start.
It was a very good start indeed.
TBC'd