Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Chapter 24
Title: A Soldier's Pain
Summary: Hydra's influence is deeply embedded in the Winter Soldier's mind and Steve and the others get their first glimpse of the real fight they have before them. Steve comes face to face with a shocking truth about one of the things that happened to Sgt. Barnes in the hands of Hydra when a very traumatic memory intrudes while Steve tries to care for his friend.
WARNINGS! – The following chapters contain some very dark imagery of forced imprisonment, physical torture, abusive contact and emotional and psychological collapse. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS.
Steve had pulled his chair up close to the bed to be close to his friend in case he was needed. He stared at that familiar face and wished that he could everything away from Bucky without him having to experience anymore pain and discomfort. He reached out and flipped the cold cloth on the Soldier's forehead, noticing how warm the cloth had gotten resting against his skin.
Bruce glanced up to see Steve turn over the cloth as he began to strip the wet blanket off the bed. As he pulled the blanket off, he rolled it up in his arms to toss in the laundry bin. He noted that the water the Soldier expelled had saturated the blanket and left wet stains on the front of his jeans.
As the weight of the blanket disappeared the Soldier moaned and his right hand reached out as if wanting to drag it back over his legs. Steve raised his hand and covered the Soldier's with his, trying to give reassurance.
"We'll get you a dry one," Steve told him.
"Before we do that, why don't we get him out of those damp clothes," Bruce suggested as he closed the lid on the bin.
Steve looked down at the Soldier's legs and nodded. It hadn't occurred to him that the amount of water he'd vomited would soak right through the blanket, but of course it would. He stood up in order to be able to reach the snap of the jeans and have better position to slide the pants off with Banner's help, of course.
Steve removed the wet cloth from the Soldier's forehead and draped it over the bed rail. He reached down and unsnapped the jeans and started to pull the zipper down while Bruce got into position at the foot of the bed. Bruce's plan was to pull the pants from the bottom once Steve was able to get them past the Soldier's thighs. Then they could dry his legs and cover him again with a warm, dry blanket.
Steve got as far as getting the zipper halfway down when the Soldier's right hand came up fast, knocking his hands away.
"Whoa there… take it easy, buddy. We're just trying to get you out of these wet pants," Steve explained.
He reached for the zipper again and as he began to pull it the Soldier's eyes flashed open; looking wild and dazed. He swept his right arm around again, slamming his fist into Steve's chest.
Steve was rocked backward a step and Bruce was instantly on alert. The Soldier raised his head weakly from the mattress. His expression was dull, his breathing; shallow and labored. Steve stepped forward again, placing his hand on the arm that was swinging blindly.
"Take it easy," Steve told him, trying to press the Soldier's arm down to the bed.
"No," the Soldier replied. Steve got the impression he wasn't speaking to him directly though. The Soldier felt the pressure on his arm and thought they were trying to pin him down. He tried to raise his right arm against the pressure Steve was applying.
"Careful, Captain," Dr. Golden warned him. "He doesn't know what you're doing."
Steve nodded that he understood and placed his other hand on the Soldier's arm, trying to calm him down. The second hand on him only spiked the Soldier's terror and he struck out with his left hand.
He caught Steve squarely on the jaw and Rogers flew backward, landing sprawled on his back a couple of yards behind Emily. Her mouth dropped open as she saw Captain Rogers crash to the floor and looked back to the Soldier just as he clambered over the bedrail away from them.
The Soldier tried to land on his feet, but he was weak and disoriented. He held onto the bedrail tightly with both hands, landing on one knee. He struggled to get on his feet, but his entire body was shaking and he felt weak; his vision was blurry and his head hurt. He was certain he'd been drugged so they could… so they could…
Steve got back to his feet and saw the Soldier kneeling on the opposite side of the bed now, using the bedrail to keep himself upright. Bruce took a step toward his patient to assist him and Steve put his hand up.
"No, Bruce, don't!" he warned.
The Soldier raised his head to see the man was back on his feet. He tried to focus on him, to gauge the distance between them. How was he expected to defend when he couldn't calculate his next move – or theirs? Well, he wasn't supposed to, he realized.
His heart was racing and he couldn't catch his breath. He glanced up to see the man had moved closer. He looked to his left to see another standing there, waiting. Panic set in and the Soldier scrambled to get away; to put more distance between him and his assailants. He tried to get on his feet, but he couldn't stand. He moved as quickly as he could toward the dark opening behind him, hoping to get the advantage as they came at him from the brighter room.
Steve watched the Soldier frantically moving away toward the bathroom and realized he wasn't in his right mind. Not that he had been for a long time, but now he was even more off than normal. He was panicking and Steve had no idea what he thought was happening or how to address it.
"Doctor?" he directed toward Golden, asking for input.
"He's confused… panicking," she told him.
"I can see that," Steve assured her.
"I don't think he's scared of you/, but whatever he's seeing or thinks is happening right now… it's something from his past. It's most likely something Hydra did to him… he's fighting them, not you," she told him.
"Like a flashback?" he asked as he rounded the foot of the bed.
"Yes," she said nodding.
Steve paused when he saw the Soldier inside the bathroom dragging himself toward the shower. He followed him slowly, being cautious as he tried to not panic the man even more. He was cornering himself without even realizing it and a cornered, terrified animal was an extremely dangerous one.
The Soldier reached up, feeling the corner of the wall and tried to lean against it to get his feet under him. His sock covered feet slipped on the tile and he fell forward, slamming his head against something protruding from the wall.
Steve saw him hit his head against the shower faucet and winced as if he could feel the hit himself. The Soldier went down hard on the tile, face down. Steve moved into the room slowly, his own breathing now loud in his ears. He glanced behind him to be sure nobody else had followed him inside. He could hear Dr. Banner and Dr. Golden talking hurriedly to one another in the other room and then heard Emily's voice in his ear alerting the rest of the team that they were needed.
"It's okay," Steve said quietly.
The man's voice nearby caused the Soldier's head to lift off the tile floor quickly. He hadn't heard them come into the room with him. He was at a disadvantage… a big one, he realized. His breathing was loud in the small room and with every exhalation a soft sound escaped him. It wasn't a grunt or a groan and it wasn't an angry sound, Steve realized. It was the sound of fear… it was… whimpering. It was a sound that the Soldier, in his right mind, would never allow himself to make.
The Soldier stretched his arm out and felt the wall next to him. He reached up, feeling for the protruding thing he hit his head on. If he could get a grip on it he could use it to get to his feet. His hand closed around it. Got it! and as he used it to pull himself to his knees, he realized what it was. It was a faucet… a shower faucet.
He was in the showers! The one place he didn't want to be. The one place he didn't want to go. He never wanted to go to the showers. Not with them following him. Panicked, he looked over his shoulder and saw the man standing over him. Too close! He swung his left arm out behind him, trying to connect with the man's legs and take him down to the ground. He missed though as the man side-stepped his strike.
"Easy," Steve said, trying to remain calm. "You're okay. Take it easy."
"No!" The Soldier yelled and tried to kick out sideways at him. He wasn't strong enough though to stay upright on one knee and he fell to the floor. His hand came off the faucet and he moved as quickly as he could to get out of the shower stall.
Steve watched with abject horror as his friend scrambled away from him in terror and tried to squeeze his entire body into the tiny space between the toilet and the wall. "Oh god…" Steve whispered, tears suddenly filling his eyes. "Bucky… what did they do to you?" he said aloud, not expecting him to answer.
"Get away from me!" The Soldier shouted at him and kicked out again.
Steve reached down and snagged the hem of the Soldier's pant leg and pulled him out to the center of the floor where he couldn't hurt himself on any of the fixtures in the room. That action, though, escalated the Soldier's terror and he let out a shout that was, at once, a terrified scream and an angry howl. He kicked out at Steve with both legs and then got to his hands and knees and tried to crawl away from his assailant.
Steve grabbed onto the back of his shirt and tried to haul him backward toward him again. The Soldier flung himself around to sit on his butt and drew his leg back; bending sharply at the knee and then he kicked out. He caught Steve square in the chest and sent Rogers crashing into the wall.
Steve slid to the floor, trying to shake off that hit but the Soldier had seen his opening. He scrambled to his hands and knees again and moved quickly toward his assailant. He crawled right over him and began to pummel him viciously with his left hand. Steve could only cross his arms in front of his face to try to block the metal fist from making direct contact.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The Soldier shouted at him as he continued to punch him.
Steve pushed his arms out and hit the Soldier in the face, knocking him off balance. As the Soldier fell backward, landing on his butt, Steve sat up quickly and pushed forward, driving the Soldier to the floor.
The Soldier tried to push away, but realized he wasn't able to get away and tried to spin around to get his hands and feet under him to try to propel himself away. His assailant crashed down on top of him though and he tried to scream. He knew what happened next.
Steve got the Soldier pinned beneath him and tried to shut out the man's screams and his pleas to not do that to him again. Just as he got the upper hand and the Soldier safely pinned to the floor, a flurry of activity happened all around them. Steve looked up to see Sam, Clint and Tony scrambling for the Soldier's flailing arms and legs.
"Nooooooooooo! Don't! Please!... Please, don't! I'll do whatever you want! Not that… please! Not again!" the Soldier shouted as Steve's forearm pinned his cheek to the cold tile.
"What the fuck?" Clint asked, mortified by the implications of what the normally stoic Winter Soldier was screaming about. He and Steve looked at each other, both knowing exactly what the implications were. "Oh my God," Clint whispered.
"Bruce!" Tony yelled as he struggled to hold onto one very strong leg.
Banner entered the room quickly with a syringe in hand. He knelt down and moved the Soldier's hair aside. "Hold him," he told Steve who was still leaning on the man's head.
"I got him. Go," Steve said with a nod.
Bruce stuck the needle into the Soldier's neck and pushed the plunger down. He removed the needle quickly so it wouldn't break off in his neck if he panicked and suddenly jerked. Then he slid backward to be clear of the others.
Dr. Golden stepped up to the doorway to see the four Avengers piled on top of the Soldier. Nobody moved as they all tried to catch their breath. The Soldier struggled a few seconds more and then suddenly went limp under them.
Steve pulled back, removing his arm from where it was pressed against his friend's skull, afraid he'd hurt the Soldier and that's why he stopped moving. He looked down to see the Soldier's eyes were still open, but unfocused. Steve stared at him for a moment and then the Soldier's eyes blinked very slowly. The sedative was working.
"Get him up! Get him up!" Steve told them, sliding off the Soldier's back.
The four men rolled him over on the floor and took a second to make sure he was actually sedated. Steve got to his feet, leaning over with his elbows resting above his knees as he caught his breath. He watched the Soldier as his eyes closed, rolling over white and didn't open again. Steve nodded and gestured with his hand to lift him up.
Clint and Sam grabbed onto his arms and lifted him off the floor. They were able to get him vertical enough with Tony's help that Steve reached under them and wrapped his right arm around the Soldier's back and then slipped his left under the Soldier's knees.
Sam saw what he was doing and told him, "We can help you get him to bed."
"I got him, Sam," Steve told him and lifted his friend in his arms. Once he straightened and adjusted the man cradled in his arms, Steve took a deep breath to steady himself then turned toward the door.
Sam kept a hand on Steve's back to offer support and to let him know he was still there if he found he needed assistance. He'd done his share in the service, carrying fallen brothers out of the line of fire or off the battlefield. He completely understood why Steve wanted to do this part alone.
Steve stood there a moment, his mind was going over everything the Soldier just showed him and he couldn't grasp it. He adjusted his hold on the man in his arms and the Soldier's head fell into the crook of Steve's neck. Steve could feel his friend's breath against his skin, cooling the perspiration there. He rested his cheek atop Bucky's head and closed his eyes. He felt off-balance but was aware of the supportive hand on his back. Steve wanted to scream to the heavens and caught himself as a sob nearly escaped. He swallowed heavily; his throat arid as a desert, and tried to steady his breathing. He fought hard not to cry and failed.
The tears forced their way out despite his best efforts and he relinquished his hold on them. He wasn't sure if they were tears of sorrow; for his friend or for himself, realizing the very depths Hydra went to trying to destroy his friend… or maybe they were tears of rage. He was certainly feeling that.
Dr. Golden stepped back to give him space as he exited the bathroom with the Soldier in his arms. She watched him closely, seeing every emotion she knew he was feeling etched clearly on his face. The rage, the sadness, the regret, the blame…
Steve lowered the Soldier to the bed and left his arms under him for a few breaths, really not wanting to take his arms away at all. Feeling as though if he could just keep his friend wrapped in his arms, he'd be safe… from the world, from Hydra - Steve realized that there was a lot he could do to keep his friend safe in the physical world… but he had no power at all to keep him safe from the people and places inside his own mind.
He slid his arm out from under the Soldier's knees, leaving his right arm behind the man's back. Steve brought his left up to wrap around his friend's head and pulled him into his chest; just holding him tight and wishing he could take away everything that Hydra had done to him. He tightened his arms around Bucky – the Soldier – and just held him. Steve pressed his face against the top of the Soldier's head and barely held back a bitter sound of rage as his tears fell.