Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Chapter 25
Title: A Soldier's Pain, pt 2
Summary: Hydra's influence is deeply embedded in the Winter Soldier's mind and Steve and the others have gotten their first glimpse of the fight they have before them. Steve came face to face with a shocking truth regarding the lengths Hydra went to in order to subjugate Sgt. Barnes. Dr. Golden tries to guide Steve in the wake of what he's learned.
WARNINGS! – The following chapters contain some very dark imagery of forced imprisonment, physical torture, abusive contact and emotional and psychological collapse. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS.
Steve sat near the bed, staring at the floor for the better part of the last two hours. Dr. Golden sat in a chair a few feet away from him, watching him and trying to gauge his mental and emotional state. It wasn't easy to do since he wasn't talking or interacting with anyone at all. So now she had two patients; and that wasn't completely unexpected either. She knew, going into this that she was going to end up counseling more than just Sgt. Barnes while she was here. Sam Wilson had known it too; which was why he insisted a psychologist be in house with them through this entire ordeal. Smart man.
She decided it was time to engage and get an idea of where his mind was after the events of the afternoon. She glanced at the clock above the bed and saw it was well after lunch but not quite supper time. She'd heard about the altercation in the gym and the Soldier's collapse right after so she'd headed to his room and arrived in time to see the Soldier triggered by Captain Rogers' actions. The situation had escalated quickly and she let Steve handle it as best he could. He kept his friend safe until help arrived and then she stood witness to the brief scuffle between the Soldier and the Avengers team.
Emily stood up and swung her chair closer to Steve and put it down. She sat back down and looked at him, waiting to see if her presence would spark him to talk to her. A few moments passed in silence so she opted to begin the discussion.
"You may not be able to fully understand what he's going through… what he's been through -," she began, but Steve interjected.
"How could I possibly know that?" he asked almost angrily.
He was mentally exhausted from sitting there for the past two hours just replaying the scene over and over in his head. Trying to get through to the Soldier, and he wasn't quite convinced that it was the Soldier he was wrestling in the bathroom. He wasn't sure though if it was truly Bucky either or a combination of the two. Could it have been Soldat? - the Soldier whose personality seemed to lie somewhere between being wholly Bucky Barnes and yet not strictly The Winter Soldier. Was that why Soldat was always quiet and fearful of making eye contact? Was that why Soldat did everything he was told to do without question? Steve's mind felt as though it wanted to explode.
"You couldn't know that, of course," Dr. Golden assured him. "I know you must be feeling lost… and confused…" she paused, watching him closely.
He seemed to be listening to her, but his eyes were unfocused, staring at the floor. She had a pretty good understanding of the personal hell that Sgt. Barnes had survived and she knew the hell he was going to have to walk through to come out the other side safely and regain his life – to reclaim himself. That was a hell that the Captain hadn't known personally, but the hell Steve Rogers had just waded into was his own dark place that he was going to now have to learn how to maneuver through.
She could clearly see in his expression all the sorrow, anger, regret and self-blame Steve was feeling and she completely understood it, but she couldn't let him get lost in that. His friend needed him now, more than ever, and if Steve folded up, then that would just show James that he should simply fold up too – and he'd fought too hard and for far too long to have that be the end of him.
"Steve… listen to me," she said, scooting her chair a little closer to him. She reached out and rested her hand on his forearm and her touch drew him out of his own dark place. He blinked and refocused, turning his head to look at her. "You cannot let your feelings of anger or sadness get in the way of you being here for James. Do you understand?" she asked.
Steve didn't respond because he didn't know if he could hide those feelings at all. They felt so powerful at the moment that he could barely see past the red in his vision. He took a deep breath through his nose and Emily knew he was barely holding himself together. His eyes were swollen and red from having cried for a long time as he sat silently beside the Soldier's bed. She'd noticed that his whole body was visibly shaking with the power of his emotions and she thought briefly how the two friends seemed to mirror each other; Barnes/The Soldier trembling with the effects of his drug addiction and Rogers with the power of his rage. She allowed herself to think briefly on the facts she knew about both of these men; and just how much their lives had paralleled each others' even as they'd been kept separated and oblivious to the other's existence.
"That happened because of what I did –-," Steve told her and turned his gaze back to the floor as he thought about that.
"I'm sorry?" Dr. Golden replied, not understanding.
"The flashback he experienced," Steve explained. "It was because I was… Oh my God," he whispered. "I did that. I was trying to get him out of his wet pants. He said 'No'… and I ignored him. I didn't think… He told me 'No' and I didn't listen to him. I reached for his zipper again and he panicked."
Emily realized what he was talking about and took a deep breath and let it out as she thought about what to say. "Flashbacks can be triggered by actions that we see as simple, ordinary events. It is so hard to say what will or could cause a memory event. Tell me, Captain, how many times have you dressed or undressed him in the time he's been here?" she asked Steve.
He thought about that and realized this wasn't the first time he'd touched the Soldier in that manner since he'd been brought back to the compound. He'd even assisted him in the shower without so much as a negative reaction. Although, he realized, that he'd almost had to face off with the Winter Soldier in the shower this morning… maybe that should have been a clue.
"So what made this time so different?" he wondered.
"Many flashback events are connected to the senses, like a particular body odor or fragrance, or a tone of voice… or a touch, yes." Steve looked over at her. "You had no way of knowing," she told him pointedly. "You did not hurt your friend," she told him.
"He was so scared," Steve told her and tears fell from his eyes again. The visions in his head – of Bucky screaming and trying to kick him away – of Bucky crawling behind the toilet and trying to squeeze his six foot frame in that tiny space to get away from him - Steve swiped angrily at his tears as if they betrayed him.
"Yes," Emily said, nodding. "He was terrified," she added, recalling the parts of the situation inside the smaller room that she had been able to witness. She wasn't going to sugarcoat the situation; the life that Sgt. Barnes had been forced to live was a terrifying one.
"He thought…" Steve had to pause before forcing the rest of the words out, "he thought he was about to be raped." Steve felt like throwing up and his tears kept flowing. "He thought I was going to -"
"No, Steve," Emily corrected him sternly. "He was not seeing you. He was not hearing you. A flashback is not about the here and now. A flashback is when a memory of a past trauma feels as though it's taking place again right now," she explained. "During a flashback… it's difficult, if not impossible, for the victim to connect to present day reality. It would feel, to him, and from what I could see… he did… he felt as though the perpetrators, his assailants, were physically present in that room with him."
"And how is that supposed to make me feel better?" Steve asked angrily.
Emily took in a breath and replied softly, "It's not." She waited for him to respond and finally Steve turned his head to look at her. "It's not supposed to make you feel better. It's just the truth of what trauma survivors must deal with every day." She stopped talking to allow that to sink in.
"Is it possible to prevent it from happening?" Steve finally asked.
"To prevent flashbacks from happening?" she asked to verify and Steve nodded. "We might be able to limit them, by taking steps to identify the warning signs and triggers, but it would be impossible to prevent them completely.
"Flashbacks can sometimes seem as though they come out of nowhere, but there are, very often, early physical and emotional warning signs that a trigger has occurred."
"Such as?" he asked.
"We can watch for signs, umm… such as a sudden mood swing; he could be calm and quiet one moment and, as you saw, combative and fearful the next. Physical changes are easier to see clearly and can include sudden rapid breathing or hyper-vigilance… sweating and trembling, exaggerated startle responses to ordinary sounds or movements…" Dr. Golden let her words trail off. "The flashbacks you're going to witness in the days, weeks and years to come are only a symptom of a more immediate issue – he's going to have to come to terms with what happened to him, not just the rape… or rapes." She corrected, and Steve's head jerked as if he'd been slapped in the face. He turned to look at her; the realization of just how many times that action may have been perpetrated against his friend in the decades he'd been at their mercy stole his breath. Emily gave him a sympathetic look, "Something tells me they didn't have him for seventy years and thought "well, we won't do that again"."
Steve closed his eyes against that possible truth.
"He's going to have to face it, to get past it," she told him. "Not just one abuse, not just one type of abuse… but the magnitude of the violations committed against him… it'd be overwhelming to anyone. Hell, I felt overwhelmed just reading those damned reports," she told Steve. He nodded because he totally agreed with that statement. "We really have a long road ahead of us," she told him. "He's going to have nightmares… more than likely, night terrors… flashbacks… intrusive recall events… I need you to be fully aware that these things can be extremely overwhelming. He's going to need all the strength you have in you, super soldier," she added to make her point. "He'll most likely, at some point, want it all to just stop…"
Steve looked at her again as her words stopped abruptly.
"He's going to want it all to just go away," she explained as she led up to what she wanted him to understand; the hard, ugly truth of his friend's torment. "He might try to harm himself… not because he wants to, but because he thinks it'll make all the hurt stop."
Steve stared at her. "Do you think he'll try to kill himself?"
"It's a possibility," she told him, "and one we should always be aware of, but we need to also be fully aware that he doesn't want to die. A man doesn't fight against overwhelming odds for so long, as he's done, only to give up in the end. If he does try to harm himself, we have to keep in mind it's an act of desperation… not an act of surrender. Understand?"
Steve nodded, even though he wasn't certain that he did. He'd never known anyone that had tried to commit such acts against themselves. He repeated those words in his head -an act of desperation, not surrender - hoping he'd remember if that time came… and he prayed it never would.
"In the meantime," Dr. Golden continued, "I think it would be prudent to have Dr. Banner give him a full physical exam now that this has come to light."
Steve looked at her confused.
"We need to know if there's anything that needs medical attention at this time," she explained.
"What – you think they..." Steve couldn't bring himself to say the words.
"If he's been assaulted in the past few weeks, we should be able to still see any signs… injuries or infections…" she explained. "It's normal procedure for sexual assault victims."
Steve couldn't help but think that this would simply be experienced by the Soldier as just another violation.
"He's not going to let you -," Steve tried to tell her.
"Oh, he won't know," she explained. "For this level of trauma, he'd have to be completely sedated."
"Oh -," Steve answered. He understood why they would have to do it without his knowledge while he was out cold, but he couldn't help but feel that it was just another act put upon him without his knowledge or consent… and it felt really wrong. "Can we do that now? While he's still out?"
"Yes," Emily nodded. "I'll get Dr. Banner," she told him and stood up.
Steve looked up at her, curious. "You and he already planned this?"
"We discussed the need for it, yes. We're just waiting for your consent… on behalf of Sgt. Barnes," she explained to him in terms that might lessen the feeling of betrayal she knew he might experience. If she put it into words that allowed him to believe that, in fact, he was now Bucky's guardian and they wouldn't make a move without his full consent, it would be easier for him to adjust to the necessity of such actions.
Dr. Banner insisted on moving the Soldier to a treatment room down the hall from where he was being housed for the examination. He didn't want that particular memory to pop into Steve's head every time he stepped into the Soldier's room. Besides, an unoccupied room was cleaner and more sterile than one that has had half a dozen people moving around in it for weeks.
Bruce had given the Soldier another dose of the sedative just to be sure he didn't wake up in the middle of the examination. Steve stood close by the Soldier's side, staring at his face for most of it. Emily wasn't sure if he was just uncomfortable watching Bruce moving around under the privacy sheet or if he might be watching for any indication that Barnes was going to wake up… or maybe he just couldn't take his eyes off his friend's face.
Dr. Banner was a well-practiced physician and Steve trusted him a lot. He'd glance toward the foot of the exam table every so often just to see what might be happening. Bruce was always gentle with whatever it was he was doing, which aided in settling Steve's disquieted feelings. He was thorough and caring and, at one point, he caught Banner and Golden exchanging a concerned look. He wanted to ask but opted to wait until it was all over.
When the examination finally concluded, it had felt like hours to Steve, Dr. Banner repositioned the patient and made sure he was completely covered by a sheet and two warm hospital blankets. Bruce stepped back and turned toward the sink. He removed his latex gloves and tossed them in the bio-bin nearby, while Dr. Golden carried a silver tray to the counter. Steve glanced at the examination equipment on the tray nearby; containing soiled gauze pads and other sample collection paraphernalia.
Steve waited; he didn't want to ask, so he waited for Bruce to finish washing his hands. When Banner had finished scrubbing his hands, he pulled a couple of paper towels out of the dispenser and turned to face Steve. He leaned against the counter as he dried his hands and after tossing the paper towels into the waste bin he removed his glasses and wiped his forearm across his eyes. Banner replaced his glasses and looked at Steve.
"Well," he said softly, "he's been assaulted recently."
Steve's heart plummeted into his stomach which turned inside out. He swallowed hard to keep from throwing up and fought back more tears. "How recently?" Steve finally asked; his voice cracking and barely audible.
"A couple of weeks," Bruce guessed. "He's sustained some injuries… and from the looks of it, he's been torn and healed up a number of times. There's scarring of the perineal region showing evidence of tears in the tissue… most of those look like much older injuries. There is evidence, though, of more recent penetration," Bruce explained. He was trying to deliver the findings as carefully and as gently as possible, but there was only so much he could do without just coming out and saying it. "There's evidence of rectal abrasions and slight tearing of the anal wall. I took swabs so I can check for any issues I can't visually see. I washed him out thoroughly, just… to…" Bruce sighed and lowered his head.
"I understand," Steve told him. When Bruce looked at him with a pained expression Steve nodded. He understood completely. Wash him out just to give him a clean start. He got it. He understood.
"I'm going to administer antibiotics for a week to help deter infection. He should be all set," Bruce concluded. "You, umm… we can take him back to his room now."
They rolled him back to his room atop the examination table and Bruce helped Steve to get him into a gown and Steve insisted they put shorts on him at least. The Soldier had been fully clothed when he was sedated; Steve didn't want him waking up naked under a gown and feeling exposed and wondering what else they had done to him.
Once they got him dressed, they carefully moved him back to his own bed. Steve worked at straightening the blankets and Emily watched him closely. His hands worried at the edges of the blanket near the Soldier's neck and shoulders as if he wanted to be physically close to his friend and needed a reason to be. He didn't need a reason other than how much he cared, she knew, but left him to his own task. Bruce left the room to bring the exam table back down to the examination room and took a few minutes to remove the linens and disinfect it so it'd be ready if needed again. When he came back into the room, Emily gave him a nod and put her hand on his arm, giving it a squeeze, and then left him with Steve to watch over Barnes.