Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier, Chapter 34
Title: Evaluation of J. /Winter Soldier
Summary: The team sits down for dinner with the soldier and then his evaluations begin… and reveal some interesting facts.
NOTE: Dedicated to PanamaRed for your support of my story.
They looked at one another in silence as time seemed to stand still. Soldat had his fingers pressed against his chest and Steve didn't know what to make of it. What was he trying to say? Was he asking if Steve was American? Or was he saying that he knew Steve was American? Was he telling Steve that he remembered they both were Americans who fought for that flag? Or was he telling Steve that he knows him as Captain America?
Soldat's expression was one of serious contemplation, but he couldn't communicate to Steve verbally. He wished now that Nat or Clint had held back so he could have them ask him what he was thinking. Instead, Steve raised his right hand and laid it over Soldat's hand. Soldat looked at the hand now atop his and Steve carefully pressed his hand flat against his own chest.
Soldat watched as his hand was pressed flat to the man's chest. He didn't hurt, he didn't cause pain. As he focused on his hand being held in place he became aware of a sensation under his palm. He could feel the man's chest rise as he took in a breath and he could feel his heart beating. He stared at their hands pressed together and realized he was literally feeling the life beating inside the blonde man's chest. He'd taken so many lives over the years and had witnessed life leaving the person's body, but he'd never felt life inside a person like this. He raised his eyes from his hand to the blonde man's face and swallowed thickly.
Steve gave the soldier's hand a gentle squeeze and let it go. Soldat looked at his hand now resting against the man's chest and pulled it away looking a little uncomfortable. Steve watched him closely and wondered what he was thinking and then re-focused his attention.
"Is that the one you want to wear?" he asked, gesturing toward the shirt in the soldier's hand. The soldier looked down at it and back to Steve. "You can wear that one, if you want to. It's your choice."
Soldat's brow furrowed. His choice?
Aside from the knitted brow of confusion, Steve received no response from the soldier regarding the tee shirt. So he touched it and told him to put it on. Soldat blinked and looked at him then flipped the shirt over to find the bottom hem and slipped it on over his head.
"These," Steve told him, touching the jeans lying on the bed. Soldat picked them up and put them on. "Socks," Steve said, picking them up and handing the pair to him.
Once he was dressed, Steve smiled at him. He looked so American… so normal. Normal, the word made his smile wane slightly but it didn't disappear. Steve went to the bathroom and brought back a comb. He combed the long hair carefully, being conscious of any tangles. The last thing he wanted was to cause his friend any pain at all; not because he didn't think he could handle it, but because he'd had more than enough of it for a dozen lifetimes.
One thing the soldier was very adept at handling was pain, but Steve didn't want to ever be associated with causing him any. When he came across a tangle he slowed his movements and took great care in untangling the hairs with his fingers and raking the comb through it to help straighten it. As Steve worked one out, he'd look at Soldat's face to gauge his response to what was happening and took note that he seemed quite focused on what Steve was doing. His eyes were wide open; attentive and curious as they glanced around the room waiting for him to finish.
Steve felt a sense of personal pride when he finally detangled the matte without causing his friend any pain; of course, he couldn't be entirely sure that was the truth as he was also quite adept at hiding it. He stuck the comb into his back pocket when he was finished so he didn't have to leave the soldier's side again.
"Ready for dinner?" he asked, but Soldat just stood there as if waiting to be told what to do next. "Are you hungry?" Steve asked him and it took a moment for the soldier to realize he was expected to actually answer. He didn't move, except his eyes which moved to look at the blonde man. Steve realized he wasn't going to answer. He pursed his lips together and sighed softly. "Come with me," he said and escorted his friend to the elevator.
When they entered the dining area of the common room, the team was already seated. They had pushed two tables together to make one long table so they could all sit together with Steve and Soldat.
Wanda and Natasha were in the kitchen making up plates for everyone while Bruce, Clint, Tony and Sam waited at the table. Soldat walked with Steve toward the table but his eyes took in the entire room as he walked over. Steve noticed, as did everyone else, that he was always on alert and searching for possible ambushes.
"Tony," Steve greeted. "Your guests leave already?"
"Already?" Tony remarked. "They were here all day. Brought Fury up to date on what we have so far on the Soldier's tech. Fascinating stuff," he added, popping a cherry tomato from the tray in the center of the table into his mouth.
Sam was looking the soldier up and down and smiled at Steve. "Did you pick out his wardrobe?" he asked, noting the American flag emblazoned on the shirt.
"Actually, Wanda and Nat picked out his wardrobe," Steve told him.
"Yeah," Sam nodded, "but you picked that out for him to wear?"
"I just pulled two shirts out of the bag. That was one of them. He picked it," Steve told him.
Natasha heard him and walked over to the table, placing a plate in front of Clint and one in front of Tony. "He picked out the shirt?" she asked, curious as to whether he was learning to make choices for himself.
"Well," Steve hedged, "he was holding it and I asked him if that's the one he wanted to wear. He didn't answer… just looked at me. I told him to go ahead and put it on."
Natasha deflated a little and nodded. It wasn't quite the step forward they were hoping to see. As Steve pointed to a chair to his left and told Soldat to take a seat, she realized what he'd said. "Wait, you said he picked up that shirt…"
"Yeah," Steve answered with a nod as he took a seat in a chair adjacent to the soldier.
"Did you give him options?" she asked.
"Of course."
"Why did he pick up that one?" she asked.
Steve looked up at her, thought about it and then looked at Soldat. He raised his hand and laid it gently on Soldat's right shoulder. "He was focused on the emblem," Steve told her.
"He picked it up because of the flag?" she asked specifically. Soldat had turned to look at the blonde man when his hand came down on his shoulder.
"Yeah," Steve smiled at him as he answered her question.
"Does he know what it is?" she asked.
"I have no idea," Steve replied, still smiling at Soldat then he dropped his hand as Wanda came over with their plates. "Thanks, Wanda," Steve offered.
Soldat looked down at the plate as it was put down in front of him and then he looked up at her. Wanda smiled at him and touched his shoulder gently before moving away. His eyes followed her as she walked around Steve and back to the kitchen. Steve watched him closely as the soldier stared at Wanda's back.
When the soldier realized the blonde man was watching him, he blinked and averted his gaze. He glanced at Steve as if uncomfortable that he was caught staring at the female. He quickly looked to each of the other men at the table. Tony was not paying him any attention at all, Clint was relaxed and shaking pepper onto his meal and Sam was also relaxed but watching him closely; not as intently as the blonde man, but he was definitely keeping his eyes on him too. The soldier sighed and chewed on his bottom lip.
Steve looked over at him when he heard his heavy sigh and his hands stilled as he watched the soldier chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. Bucky When Soldat realized he was staring at him again, he stopped the nervous habit and redirected his gaze to the table in front of him.
Steve put his finger on the fork resting next to the soldier's plate. Soldat looked down at it.
"Go ahead and eat," Steve told him and removed his finger.
Soldat picked up the fork and looked at the meal. It was ham with pineapple on top and a large serving of au gratin potatoes and a mix of vegetables. With his left hand he picked up the butter knife sitting beside his plate and as he prepared to use it he spun it in his fingers like a gunslinger twirling his pistol.
Everyone at the table paused in what they were doing when they saw him twirl the knife without a thought. It was such a habit for him that he didn't even seem to think about it before doing it. After he stopped twirling it he took note that it was a butter knife and not a sharp knife as one would use to cut a piece of meat.
He looked from his knife to each of the people at the table to see what kind of knife they each had. Those who were holding their knives simply remained still and those who hadn't picked up theirs yet, still didn't. He looked at Steve because he was already cutting into his meal. Steve saw what he was looking for and held his knife up to show Soldat that he had the same type of knife.
Steve didn't know why it was a concern for him. Was he looking for a sharper knife to use on his meal or to use on them? Or was he simply wondering if this is the correct type of knife for this meal because maybe he was remembering it differently? Whatever the reason he'd been curious about the other knives at the table, the thought was put aside as the soldier began to eat his meal slowly.
Natasha came over and took a seat with Soldat on her right, Sam to her left and Clint to his left at the foot of the table. Steve was at the head with Wanda directly across from Soldat and Tony between her and Bruce. Soldat looked around the table, noting that all the same people who were in the room earlier were now sitting around the table together; minus the blonde haired female doctor. He looked over his shoulder to see if she was somewhere in the room around them.
Natasha tried to hand him a napkin but he just stared at it. She demonstrated wiping her mouth with hers and gestured for him to take his. He reached up and took the napkin from her hand and dropped it in his lap as he kept eating.
Clint opened up casual conversation when the silence at the table became unbearable. The others took part in various discussions and at one point Tony let out a loud "Ha!" intending to dispute something that had been said. When he shouted, although good naturedly, Soldat startled and froze. Steve assured him everything was fine and he looked over at Stark and Tony apologized having forgotten their guest was present.
They got through the rest of the meal without incident, but the whole team took note that the soldier never did anything until Steve told him to do it or assured him it was okay to do it, whatever it was. He ate his food because Steve told him to eat. He didn't reach for the glass of water in front of him until Steve noticed he hadn't touched it but was looking at it as though he wanted it. Steve told him he could drink it and so he did and then Steve reached for the pitcher and refilled the glass for him.
Bruce kept his eye on him throughout the meal and couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy. He was as an empty vessel, much like a child learning everything as if it was new to him. Hydra had turned him inside out so many times that they'd left him with so few mental processes of his own that he was completely pliable to whomever was in charge of him at any given moment. In the right hands he was easily managed and he was calm and quiet. In the wrong hands he was able to lay waste to entire cities single-handedly and could take out whole armies of highly trained and heavily armed soldiers. He was a living paradox.
When the meal was finished, Steve excused himself and the soldier from the table as they had somewhere they needed to be.
"Are you taking him to Dr. Golden's evaluation?" Bruce asked.
"Yes, she told me to bring him to her office after he got something to eat," Steve told him.
"How is he going to answer the questions?" Bruce asked.
"I assumed it was a written test," Steve told him. "What kind of questions does he have to answer?" Steve asked, resting his hands on his hips as he realized this might not be as easy as he thought it would be.
"There are memory tests involved," Bruce explained. "She will say a series of three words and he is to repeat them back to her… and then five minutes later she'll ask him to repeat the words again to see if he remembers them."
"He can sign the words back," Clint suggested. "I can go with you to see if she'll allow a translator in the room." He thought about that offer and realized he might be stepping on Nat's toes. "Or Nat can go with you."
Natasha put her glass down and swallowed the mouthful she had while shaking her head. "I like the idea of Clint going in this time," she told him. "He already interacted with him downstairs using sign."
"It was one question," Clint reminded her.
"It doesn't matter," Natasha told him. "I think we need to expand his social circle. He knows you and he responded to you. I'll be around if the other one makes an appearance and he's difficult to handle. Why don't we do this? – You be on Soldat's team and I'll be on the Soldier's team."
Clint shrugged as he didn't mind that suggestion at all. They looked to Steve to see what he thought.
"Okay," Steve said, dropping his hands to his sides. "Let's go, Barton."
When they got to her office the door was standing open so the three men walked in. Emily was behind her desk, neck deep in paper folders when she looked up and smiled.
"Hello, gentlemen, come in, please." She closed the file she had been reading and stood up. "You can close the door… thank you," she said as Clint closed the door behind him. "Clint, it's good to see you," she told him with a smile.
"We, umm, realized he couldn't answer your questions verbally, so we thought…"
"Of course," she said, still smiling. She laid her hand gently on Soldat's arm and he looked down at her hand. She lingered there so he could see she was touching him and it wasn't painful then she dropped her hand without fanfare and he looked at her and then Steve.
She brought a desk chair over for Clint to sit in. She placed it about five feet from the table that was set up at the back of the room; obviously it was where she would seat Soldat for his evaluation. He would sit far enough away so as not to be a distraction during the testing process but where he'd have a clear line of sight of the soldier signing.
Once Clint took his seat, she then turned to Soldat and swept her arm out toward the long table. "Please, take a seat," she told him.
Soldat watched her arm sweep out and then he looked at the table with a single chair behind it. He let out a soft breath and she watched the muscles of his jaw tense and relax again as he clenched his teeth. Every little reaction was noted; each muscle twitch, heavy sigh or swallow told her how he was feeling even when he couldn't.
His reaction to being asked to be seated clearly told her that he knew this routine very well. Hydra must set up his mental evaluations the same way – sure, why wouldn't they? Even though their psychologists worked for the bad guys they were still psychologists and knew the routine. She waited for him to do as she asked for exactly sixty seconds and when he still hadn't moved from his spot she turned to Steve.
"If you would, Captain?" she asked, gesturing discreetly at Barnes.
Steve walked over to the table and touched the chair. "Come on over here and take a seat," he told Soldat. Soldat immediately walked over and sat down. He kept his eyes down and waited for further instructions. Steve looked at her and said, "I hate this, you know? Directing his every action –."
"I know, Captain. For now, it's necessary, but hopefully he'll start gaining a sense of autonomy the longer he stays here." Steve nodded and moved away from the table to give Dr. Golden control of the evaluation process without his interference. He took a seat on the couch at the opposite side of the room. As he sat down he took notice that Soldat had glanced over to see that he was still there.
"I know you've been through this procedure before… many times," she began, directing her words to the soldier. "I was not part of your previous evaluations so I'm not entirely certain with which tests you are familiar, but if you can bear with me, I'd like to complete my own evaluation so we're on the same page."
Soldat didn't respond in any way but she knew he was listening to her. He simply accepted whatever she said as his instruction and there was nothing to debate. He wasn't one for asking questions or starting conversations or even taking part in conversations, so she decided to simply begin without all the introduction pleasantries.
Normally she would sit directly across from the patient being evaluated but she didn't want to block Barton's view of the soldier. So she shifted her chair to the right and slightly off center from him and sat down.
"Please listen carefully. I am going to say three words that I want you to repeat back to me now… and I want you to try to remember them because I will ask you to repeat them again in a few minutes. Do you understand?"
Soldat nodded.
"The words are Village, River, Chair. Please repeat them for me now."
Soldat looked at her and then dropped his gaze. He sat silently for a few moments and then signed pointing the first two fingers of both hands and laying the left over the right to represent legs sitting atop a flat surface.
"Chair," Clint interpreted for them.
Emily waited a few more moments to see if he would sign another but he didn't so she moved to the second set of words.
"Leader, Season, Table."
Soldat sat for a moment and then folded his right arm over his left as if forming a flat surface.
"Table," Clint told her and Emily made a notation on his form before giving him the next three words.
"Is he only able to remember the last word you tell him?" Steve asked, noting that both times he'd repeated back the last word given to him.
"Good question," Dr. Golden considered that and looked at her list as she decided to change the order of them to find out.
"Garden, Knife, Baby."
Soldat thought about the words and after a few seconds he forgot two of them, but one word remained in his head. He raised both hands in front of him and pointed both index and middle fingers at an angle toward each other and then slashed the tips of his right fingers against the tips of the left twice.
"Knife," Clint told them.
"Storm, Lightning, Finger," Dr. Golden recited even as she made her note on his evaluation form.
Soldat raised his left hand with his index finger raised. He drew a wide Z in the air next to the left side of his head.
"Lightning," Clint told them.
Emily took a moment to look back on the words he'd given back to her. She scrolled through her list and his answers and then she straightened as she realized what was happening.
"Doctor?" Steve asked, having seen her reaction to what she was looking at. He stood up and moved closer to what was going on so he could confer with her as needed. He probably shouldn't be speaking out during the evaluation but patience was never Steve Rogers' strong suit.
Emily looked up at him as he settled on the corner of her desk nearby and then back to the soldier. She raised her finger to indicate to him to hold his questions until she was done with the tests. She pulled a box from under the table. She reached into it and pulled out a wooden box and placed it on the table in front of her.
The soldier looked at it without any discernable curiosity. His expression was unreadable as it had been through most of her testing so far. She reached back into the box and retrieved ten wooden blocks of different shapes and colors. She slid the wooden box off to the side and placed the large colored shapes on the table in front of him. She moved them around as if shuffling them and then let them sit for a moment while he looked at the group of shapes.
"Can you show me the red circle?" she asked him.
Soldat looked at her and then scanned the group of shapes, laying his finger on the red circle.
"Good. Can you show me the green square?" she asked.
He scanned the group and pointed to the green square.
"Very good," she told him. She was able to verify that he knew his colors and shapes so now she wanted to test his ability to remember multiple things at once. "Now… listen carefully, can you point to the red square, green circle and yellow triangle?"
Soldat looked at her as if nervous. He looked at the group of blocks and swallowed heavily. He tried to remember what she asked of him. It was a circle, a square and a triangle… blue, green and yellow? He pointed to the green square, the blue triangle and the yellow circle.
He remembered the shapes she asked for, but not the colors and not the correct colors with the shapes she had requested. He knew he didn't get that one and showed signs of anxiety as he looked around the room.
"It's okay," she told him and he glanced at Steve. Steve smiled at him to try to relax him. She reached out and laid her hand on top of his and he looked at her. "It's okay. You're doing well."
She pulled the wooden box over and Steve noticed that it had cutout holes on the lid in the same size and shape of the blocks on the table.
"Could you please put the blocks back in the box for me?" she asked taking out a stop watch. She was prepared to start the timer when he picked up the first block.
Soldat looked at the lid and the cut outs and then he moved. Using both hands equally he began to grab the blocks two at a time and shoved two different shapes into the appropriate holes at the same time. He completed that task, depositing ten blocks into their storage box in less than seven seconds.
"No apparent issues with his motor functions," she said, raising her eyebrows as she put the watch down and entered the information on her laptop.
"Okay," she said, putting the box of blocks back under the table. When she straightened again, she took a piece of paper out of her folder and slid it in front of the soldier. It was a blank white sheet of paper with a pre-drawn circle in the center. She then took out a black crayon and placed it on top of the paper. "I want you to draw a clock for me. First, I want you to put in all of the numbers on a clock face in their proper positions."
Soldat stared at the paper for a long moment then he slowly reached for the crayon. He began to place the numbers inside the circle… 12, 3, 6, 9… then proceeded to fill in the numbers between the anchor numbers. 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11.
Dr. Golden made a note in her tablet describing the fact that he placed the anchor numbers first and then added the other numbers in their proper places. Most people started at the 12 and went clockwise around the clock face which often ended up with a lopsided looking clock. The way the soldier had completed the clock; placing the anchor numbers first left him with a precisely centered looking clock.
The next step would be to ask him to draw the clock hands so they read 10 past 11, but before Emily had a chance to tell him the second step, he had already begun to draw the hands pointing to the 11 and the 2. She raised her eyebrows and watched him put the crayon down and then pulled his hands from the table to rest in his lap and he waited.
Steve watched him complete the clock but was confused. "Did you ask him to draw that? If you did, I missed it."
"I didn't," she told him, "but I was about to. He's done this test before."
Steve looked at her, not understanding.
"He remembers," she told Steve but still looking at the soldier. "They must use this test in his scheduled evals at Hy- at the other place. He knows this test and completed it before I told him what time to draw on the clock."
"How could he have guessed what time you were going to tell him?"
"It's a standard test," she explained. "We all use ten past eleven as the first test." She reached for the paper and slid it away from the soldier. He simply sat there with his eyes down waiting for the next test. Emily slid another piece of paper in front of him with the circle on it and he picked up the crayon without waiting for direction. She watched him draw the numbers and the hands again without being told to do so. "He remembers."
Steve looked back and forth between them. "Is that good?" he asked, not understanding whether his actions were a good result or not.
"I'll let you know when I'm finished," she told him. She pulled that completed test away and placed another in front of him. As he reached for the crayon, she put her hand on the paper to block him from drawing on it. The soldier simply stopped and waited for instruction. "I want you to draw the numbers on the clock again," she told him, "then wait for further instruction. Do not draw the clock's hands until I tell you."
When she lifted her hand from the paper, Soldat glanced up at her then drew the numbers again and stopped.
Dr. Golden made him wait exactly one minute to see what he would do. He never looked up at her, nor asked her what he should draw. He didn't display any impatience toward her delay at all. He simply waited to be told what to do.
"I want you to draw the hands on the clock now and set them to read 26 minutes past 9."
Soldat sat there with the crayon in his right hand but didn't move. He stared at the clock he'd drawn and then his eyes moved as if searching for the answer in his head. He began to show signs of anxiety as his respirations quickened and he swallowed nervously. His eyes began to jump around as if beginning to panic and then he placed the tip of the crayon in the center of the clock and drew a line almost straight down but to the right of the 6 and a second line straight out from the center to the left.
Dr. Golden could hear his anxious breaths as he seemed to be waiting for a negative response from her or Steve. Normally, she wouldn't say anything to the client being tested, she'd simply remove the paper and file it until she sat down to tabulate the score, but it was clear she needed to calm him down before a panic attack set in.
"Very good," she told him and his eyes shot to her in surprise. "Thank you," she said to him as she removed the paper. "You did very well."
He swallowed and took a deep breath; he let it out and placed the crayon on the table and Steve noticed his hand was trembling.
"You can relax for a few minutes," she told him. "I have to make adjustments for the next part. I'll be right back."
She moved away from the table so he could calm down and went to sit at her own desk. Steve twisted around as he sat on the corner of it and watched her right down a list of words in sets of five this time, instead of three. Then she went back to her seat at the table.
"Do you remember the words I asked you to repeat for me earlier?"
Soldat looked at her and then raised his hands from his lap to hover above the table. He slashed the tips of his fingers against one another.
"Knife," Clint translated. As the soldier continued signing, Barton recited what he was seeing. "Lightning… table… chair…"
She watched as he thought about the list and then put his hands back in his lap. Dr. Golden studied him closely and he lowered his gaze to stare at the table in front of him. He didn't attempt or even seemed to remember that each of those words had been part of a group of three. It was as if the other two words in each set were never spoken. So she wanted to test a theory she had and read from the paper in her hand.
"Repeat these words for me when I finish please. City, road, explosive, hurt, kitten."
Soldat listened and then raised his hands in front of him. He placed his fists on top of one another and then opened them both quickly twice, flashing open hands at her.
"Explosion… or explosive," Clint translated as Soldat continued to sign the next word. He pointed his index fingers at each other and twisted them in opposite directions. "Hurt."
Emily waited for the other three words but it was clear the soldier was finished so she moved to the next set of words. "Knife, mission, report, torture, soldier."
Steve looked at her with concern when she said the word 'torture'. He then looked back at his friend and waited to see what he'd do.
Soldat thought about the words and then lifted his hands to begin. He slashed his fingertips.
"Knife," Clint recited behind her as she watched the soldier continue to sign. He touched his right shoulder with the fingers of both hands and then raised the index finger of his right hand as the other fingers and thumb tapped the back of his left hand. "Mission." She watched him cross the fingers of both hands which stood for the letter "R", he held them both in front of him, he put one "R" in front of his chin and the other in front of him and pushed them both away as if giving it to someone else verbally. "Report." They watched Soldat sweep his thumbs against his chin alternately and then circled his fists over one another as if rolling something heavy away from himself. "Torture," Clint translated.
Steve couldn't believe there was actually a sign for that word… and Bucky knew it.
They watched as he then made two fists with his thumbs straight up, just like he'd done to Natasha to indicate the Thumb War game they shared. He then placed his right fist to his right chest and the left to his ribs on the same side. It looked to Steve like a soldier holding the strap to their rifle that was slung over their shoulder. "Soldier," Clint translated.
"Son of a -," Emily whispered as she sat back against the chair and stared at him.
"Doctor?" Steve said to get her attention. She looked up at him and grinned and then back to the soldier before standing up.
"He remembers," she told him.
"He couldn't remember three words, but he remembers five?" Steve asked her for clarification.
"It's not the number of words that are the problem. It's the words themselves," she told him. "He remembers and repeats only words that are connected with his life and his mission inside Hydra. Nothing else is held onto. Baby? Kitchen? River? He doesn't repeat those because they're basically expelled from his mind before he can even try to retain them. They don't matter to Hydra, so he is not programmed to keep that information," she explained to them. "Explosions, knives, guns, soldier, torture, pain… all of those things are what Hydra wants him to focus on. So he does."
"Geezus," Clint exclaimed softly.
Dr. Golden went back to the table to continue his evaluation. Much of the rest was giving him scenarios and asking him how he would respond to the events described. Clint got the chance to exercise his knowledge of sign language when Soldat began rattling off full sentences.
The entire evaluation took just under two hours and she dismissed them so they could relax before putting him to bed. He didn't seem the worse for wear after the tests were completed and Emily figured while this sort of thing would stress others out, he was so used to being constantly evaluated that he'd basically forgotten all about it before he reached the door. She sat at her desk and prepared to calculate the scores of each test and wondered how an evaluation of the Winter Soldier would actually go when it was his turn to make an appearance.