Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Chapter 35
A Soldier's Reprieve
During a week-long respite from the chaos that surrounds the Winter Soldier, the team members spend one-on-one time with Soldat and each walks away with a new perspective.
The team was able to enjoy another six full days with Soldat after his evaluations were concluded. Everyone was getting more comfortable with him because he was so quiet and calm, unless he was startled by a loud noise or angry voices when a disagreement among the team would pop up. Then it took a few cajoling words from Steve to ease his anxiety and often Steve would choose to take him for a walk to get him completely out of the situation so he could refocus.
They introduced him to what it means to relax with friends on a Saturday, just chilling and watching movies on DVD. At one point, as Sam was switching out DVD's the regular television station was on and as they waited for him to find the next movie, a commercial for the ASPCA came on. The woman's voice narrating the commercial spoke about abused and neglected dogs and cats that spent their entire lives being mistreated; living their lives alone, with no one to care about them and often died in the same small cages they spent their lives in.
The commercial and the sight of the abused and neglected animals hit Steve really hard. He glanced at Soldat sitting beside him who didn't seem fazed at all by what he was seeing on the screen. Steve knew that people did care about abused animals and that was a good thing, but he also realized no one had cared about how his friend had been treated... nobody had even known he was alive and being abused… and those that did, didn't care. The things the female voice was saying about these abused animals and how desperately they needed help affected Steve so deeply he began to cry.
Soldat heard Steve's shaky breaths and turned his head to look at him. When he saw the blonde man crying he turned toward him. Natasha and Bruce had heard his soft sobs too and turned to watch as Soldat shifted his position to look at Steve. The expression on his face was one of compassion, but he didn't understand what had made the blonde man cry. He raised his metal hand to lay it gently on Steve's right shoulder.
Steve felt the soft touch and wiped his eyes. He lifted his head and turned to see who was comforting him and he caught his breath to see it was Soldat. His friend was looking at him with concern and that broke Steve even harder. Soldat was the one who had lived a long life in much the same conditions as the mistreated animals in the commercial and despite that, he still retained his sense of compassion for others. It was because of his inner strength… that innate strength Bucky was born with… that allowed him to be compassionate to others even after all he'd been through.
Steve curled his right arm around Soldat and pulled him in for a hug. He was so close and it was frustrating to see shades of Barnes in Soldat and still not be able to talk to him or touch him. Steve released all his mixed emotions, coupled with exhaustion and unending worry as he embraced the soldier beside him. Soldat just sat there on the couch with his new friend's arms wrapped around him and looked at the others over Steve's shoulder.
Natasha couldn't hold back her tears either as she watched Steve break down. He'd been holding so much inside himself to try to focus on the soldier's needs that he just kept putting his own emotional needs aside.
Sam was crouched on the floor in front of the TV as he searched for the next movie and had paused what he was doing to watch Cap with his own concern. When Steve's tears finally stopped, he pulled back from Soldat to see his friend looking at him with curious concern.
Steve wiped his tears away with one hand and smiled at Soldat. Soldat didn't smile back but he was looking at Steve closely as if wondering why he was so sad. Steve raised his hand and pressed it to Soldat's cheek to let him know he was okay and to let Soldat know he appreciated his support.
Over the six days he spent with them, each member of the team had their own personal experiences with Soldat. He had different levels of comfort with each of them, but he liked playing Thumb War with Natasha and she took him for quiet walks in the garden just to have some private time with him.
It saddened her that she couldn't speak to him about their time together in the KGB when their relationship had been on a more intimate level. She wanted so badly to connect with that part of the soldier, but the James she knew years ago had existed somewhere between Soldat and the emotionless Winter Soldier. She knew that that James, the one she had fallen in love with, had been hardened by his abuses and conditioning, but he still hadn't lost himself completely to the Soldier. He'd still had desires and even a sense of romance; as best as they could experience together in such a place. They were able to steal their moments together between her lessons and his sessions when there was a change of guard or a handler was called away for a pressing matter. She missed her James as much as Steve missed his Bucky, but she was trying so hard to not let those feelings interfere with their mission to help Sgt. Barnes escape Hydra and his conditioning. It broke her heart just a little more each time she'd look into his eyes and he'd look back at her and yet not recognize her. The Winter Soldier recognized her, but not in the same way her James would have. It was frustrating for her to see him in both versions of the soldier and yet know he was out of reach. She understood a little of what Steve was going through.
Soldat also liked being with Steve no matter what they did; whether they were doing something productive or entertaining or just sitting on the dock looking out over the water. Steve would talk to him and tell him stories about the times they shared together as children and young adults. Steve ventured a little into the years right before the war, but he wasn't sure how any of those details might negatively affect Soldat so he steered away from going into them too deeply.
Sam taught him how to play checkers and quickly realized that as awkward as Soldat was in social settings and doing normal every day things, he did learn quickly and showed Sam just how brilliant he was when it came to strategizing against opposition. Sam won the first two games, but as soon as the soldier understood the rules he defeated Wilson each time and the rounds didn't last long. He always found the quickest solution to conquer his opponent and left Sam bewildered.
Clint spent time with him on the archery range. Steve and Sam had voiced their concerns about introducing him to weapons for fear it would bring out the Winter Soldier. It hadn't, and Soldat; despite his quiet and peaceful demeanor, displayed the same level of expertise while handling weapons as the Soldier did, but without the intense determination to hurt or kill. He wasn't as adept with a bow as he was with firearms, at least not when Hawkeye first put one in his hands, but by the third day he was giving Clint a run for his money.
On day four he'd been left with Wanda for a couple of hours that afternoon so the team could be in conference with Director Fury over new details pertaining to Hydra's search for the Winter Soldier. Soldat sat at the kitchen island and watched Wanda preparing to bake brownies. She let him stir the batter for a while as the oven was heating up and she let him pour it into the pan after she prepped it properly. Once that was done and she had the brownies in the oven to bake, she showed him that licking the batter off the spoon was a tasty treat. She dipped a clean spoon into the mixing bowl for herself and handed him the batter covered mixing spoon. He looked at it curiously and Wanda smiled at him and had him watch her as she licked some of the batter from her spoon. She smiled at him, humming in delight. Soldat just blinked at her so she touched his hand and guided the spoon toward his mouth.
She touched the spoon to his lips and he reflexively licked the batter from them. As soon as he tasted the fudge he looked at her with wide eyes. Wanda could tell by his reaction that he, too, liked the taste of brownie batter. Wanda smiled at him, nodding that she totally understood his delight. As she made a playful show of enjoying her treat, the corner of his mouth twitched upward and then relaxed again. Wanda's breath caught. She stared at him in surprise… he almost smiled. She was sure of it. Sure, it could have just been a muscle spasm, but she really wanted to believe that he had, for even a brief moment, felt the kind of joy that made him want to smile.
When the team returned from their meeting with Fury she could hardly contain her own excitement when telling Steve she was certain he had tried to smile. She explained the circumstances to him and even tried to re-create the same type of moment, but if he had attempted to smile earlier it had clearly been forgotten… or erased.
On one afternoon he was brought to see the doctor who was always sticking him with needles. He was used to that and it didn't seem to bother him in the least when Banner needed to take blood for testing. He was even allowed to assist Bruce when he re-stocked his medical supplies. He seemed to enjoy the task of stacking and figuring out how to place the items so they would all fit on the shelf.
In the evenings he did puzzles and other activities with the blonde lady and he was becoming more accustomed to interacting with her through the mental exercises she gave him. Emily was also learning that although his expression was often blank and unreadable, his mind was anything but blank. He was quite intelligent and was able to show her just how smart he was if she could find just the right task for him to complete. He surprised her quite often and she delighted in those kinds of surprises.
He even spent some of his time teaching Steve the signs for the words they'd encounter; like table, eat, drink, tree, fish and shield. He had been very interested in Cap's brightly colored shield when Steve showed it to him hoping it would jog something in his memory. It didn't seem to, but he liked the shape and the colors and the sound it made when he'd hit it softly with his metal hand.
At one point, he brought the shield over to Steve and pressed it against him as if telling him to hold it. Steve realized what he wanted and slipped his arm into the straps, holding it up in front of him… like a shield. Soldat took a couple of steps back and looked at him from head to toe as if he could "see" the star spangled man who would normally wield the shield. Then Soldat raised his right arm and held it horizontally in front of him imitating Cap. Steve smiled at him and walked over to try to get him to take the shield on his arm. Soldat refused and kept pushing it gently back to Steve. He then raised his hand again mimicking holding the shield straps with his right arm and with his left hand held flat in front of him, palm toward his chest, he circled it in front of his fist as if indicating the shape of the metal shield… then he pointed at Steve.
Steve watched him and then stepped up to him again, thinking he was asking for the shield. Soldat again shook his head no, made the sign for the shield and then pressed his metal hand to Steve's chest. Steve realized Soldat was telling him that he was assigning that particular sign to Steve as his name.
Steve, still holding the shield in front of him, made the same hand gesture; circling his hand over the face of the shield and then pressed his hand to his own chest to let Soldat know he understood that it was now the sign for him. Soldat watched him and when he realized Steve understood he stepped forward, patted Steve's cheek gently and nodded… then walked away. Steve had to smile at that… Soldat was teaching him a thing or two now and even praised his student when he 'did good'.
When the Soldier returned it was an eye-opener for everyone on the team and an immediate reminder for them not to lose their focus on the mission at hand. That morning, Steve had prepared Soldat to take a shower; he brought him into the room, turned on the water, tested the temperature and left out towels for him. He then left the room so he could undress and take care of himself as he could now wash himself thoroughly including his hair.
Repetition was the key, Dr. Golden had emphasized and she'd been right. After all, it was decades of repeated abuses that taught the Soldier to do the things Hydra required in the manner in which they insisted he complete them. It only made sense that to teach him new things, they'd have to use the same technique… minus the terror and torture.
Steve had to make sure that each time he readied the shower he did each task in the same way in the exact same sequence so it would begin to engrave on Soldat's memory… and it was working. He began to do small tasks for himself and by himself. When he turned on the water this time it was Soldat who stuck out his hand and put it under the stream to check the temperature. Steve smiled at him, because Soldat had seen him do that each time and now chose to do it for himself. He was doing it because he'd seen Steve do it repeatedly. It was all good though and he checked the temperature himself before he left just to be sure. Small events in everyone's daily routine which they often took for granted were huge victories for him. They still hadn't seen him smile though, no matter how often the members of the team would smile at him.
The only down side to having to do such things in a precise order and manner every time was that it lent itself to producing an OCD compulsion. Steve would have to insist that every task be accomplished in the exact same way each time and if there was any deviation he began to experience confusion and anxiety. Steve was worried about contributing to such an affliction, but Dr. Golden assured him that they could focus on the obsessive compulsive parts at a later date. Currently, she simply needed him to begin learning how to function in normal settings and in normal ways. He was picking up tasks more easily as new ones were introduced to him. Instead of taking a dozen repetitions, now it would take only three or four.
On the seventh day following his evaluation, the Winter Soldier was the one who emerged from the shower when Steve went in to collect him before going upstairs for breakfast. On entering the bathroom, he expected to see Soldat sitting on the toilet lid and pulling on his socks or tying his sneakers as he had their routine timed down to the minute. He then would stand Soldat in front of the sink and comb out his damp hair and maybe run the razor over his scrub.
Steve got a chuckle a few times when he was trying to teach Soldat how to make faces that would pull the skin of his chin or upper lip taut so it could be shaved. Watching him trying to imitate what Steve was showing him was just a lot of fun for Rogers and he'd chuckle and sometimes have to hold Soldat's face in his hand and use his thumb to pull taut the section he was trying to shave.
On this day though, he entered the bathroom intending to help Soldat finish up before heading upstairs for breakfast but the lights had been turned off, leaving the room illuminated only by the red emergency light over the door. It was dark and steamy and Steve could see the figure standing on the other side of the bathroom. He was naked and had one hand on the wall, leaning heavily on that arm with his shaggy head down.
Steve instantly knew who that was and he tapped his earwig to put the team on alert, "Heads up, team. The Winter Soldier has returned."
Within two minutes there were three other Avengers waiting in the Soldier's room on standby; Natasha, Sam and Clint. Another minute later, Banner and Golden were standing by outside the door.
Steve looked over at the five people standing nearby and then to the man standing in the bathroom. He hadn't moved.
"Are you sure it's the Soldier?" Bruce asked from the doorway. Steve nodded, as he studied the man leaning against the wall. "What is he doing?"
"Just standing there with his head down," Steve told him.
"Is he reacting to the sound of your voice?" Bruce asked and Steve shook his head no.
"Why is he back?" Sam asked, directing his question toward the two doctors standing behind him.
"That's difficult to answer," Emily replied. "His brain is going through some massive changes. It's possible he's in a fugue state. If he's not responding to the sound of your voice, he may be present but not functionally present." She stepped into the room and made her way around the bed carefully. Steve turned to see her coming up alongside him and he shifted his body to make room for her to observe the Soldier.
"Why are the lights off?" she asked.
"I don't know," Steve told her. "They were off when I came back."
"Maybe he turned them off so it was dark and dank like a Hydra dungeon," Sam suggested and everyone looked at him as if wondering how he knew what a Hydra dungeon looked like. "Something tells me wherever he was kept, when not in cryo, wasn't the Grand Hilton."
Steve slowly and carefully stepped into the bathroom. The Soldier still hadn't moved or gave any indication that he knew Steve was even in the room with him as Cap approached him and reached for a towel on the rack beside the shower stall.
Steve observed the Soldier closely. He seemed dazed and unaware of his presence. He didn't raise his head or shift his position at all as Cap stood right next to him. Steve reached over; keeping his hand flat he moved the Soldier's curtain of hair aside to try to get a look at his face, bending down a little to get a good view. He could see the Soldier's eyes were open but staring toward the floor as if he wasn't mentally present.
"Doc?" he said, looking over at Emily. He gestured with the tilt of his head for her to approach.
Dr. Golden stepped inside the darkened room and walked slowly toward them. She took note of every detail of the room and the Soldier so she could record it all later. Something had triggered the Soldier's appearance, but he seemingly wasn't able to function properly. She had to assume the changes in his entire routine, and especially the lower levels of the drugs in his system, had caused him to emerge into a physical state that he had no way of managing.
"Let's see if we can get him out of here," she suggested.
Steve nodded and unfolded the towel in his hand. He wrapped his arms around the man to pull the towel around his waist. He covered the Soldier and tucked the towel into itself and then gestured for Emily to step back out of the way. Once she was at a safe distance, Steve reached up and put his hands on the Soldier. One hand on his back and the other reached out to push his arm down so he'd stop leaning on it. When he was able to direct him to lower his arm, Steve guided him to turn around. The Soldier was easily maneuvered out of the bathroom and into the main room.
"I think breakfast is going to have to wait, buddy," Steve said softly to his friend who was no longer present.
"Get him on the bed," Bruce instructed as he joined them.
Steve looked over at his teammates. "You guys can go get some breakfast. I think we're going to be a while."
Sam frowned at him. "Are you sure you're not going to need us?"
Steve smiled and tilted his head as if giving a shrug. "I can't be sure of anything, but at the moment he doesn't seem to be a problem."
"Okay… how do you know that's the Soldier and not Soldat?" Sam asked, switching from concern to curiosity.
Steve thought about that for a moment and focused on the man staring blindly straight ahead as he assisted the doctors in getting him into bed. He shook his head and said, "I don't know how I know… I just know."
Bruce moved to the right side of the bed and prepared the Soldier's arm so he could take blood samples for testing. Soldat had been doing rather well the previous week without any drug therapy, and Bruce was willing to let that play out without having to introduce more drugs to his system. The Soldier though, was in a state that worried him so it was time to check.
Steve and Emily stayed with the Soldier until Bruce returned, carrying an IV bag and tubing. Steve stood up and looked at him curiously. "What's going on, Bruce?"
"Blood tests show he still has some of the drugs in his system although the levels are drastically lower than a week ago. I've added just a small dosage to this bag to see if I can bring him to a balanced, functioning state again."
"Why did these levels not affect Soldat this way?" Steve asked Banner but it was Dr. Golden who offered an answer.
"One of the interesting aspects discovered through researching multiple personalities residing together in one physical body is that each consciousness or personality, if you will… maintains its own physical and psychological balances. Different heart rates have been revealed as well as different body temperatures, blood sugar levels… they've even discovered that while one personality may suffer from allergies or other afflictions, another personality in the same body does not. Soldat might have very well been able to adjust to the lower levels of drugs in his system, but the Soldier is now in trouble because of those levels."
Steve blinked and really looked at the Soldier. Now that he was in the main room where the lights were brighter it was easy to see that his skin was pale and clammy. He didn't have to be a doctor to be able to see that the man was in trouble.
Bruce finished connecting the IV tube to the needle in the Soldier's arm and adjusted the drip to deliver the drugs slowly so as not to shock his system. Once he was satisfied with that he proceeded to take the man's vitals and found his pulse to be extremely rapid and his blood pressure correspondingly low. His pallor, shallow respirations, rapid heart rate and cold, clammy skin temperature were also indicative of shock. Immediate correction of his condition was required before the de-compensatory phase of shock set in. He was going into physical shock because his body couldn't compensate for the drastic changes that had taken place while the Winter Soldier was absent.
Dr. Banner, with Steve's help, took the proper measures to stave off irreversible shock. They covered him with warm blankets and placed an oxygen mask on him to raise his O2 saturation. The head of the bed was lowered, raising his feet slightly to help his blood pressure and heart rate level out.
When they had positioned the Soldier properly, Banner checked his vitals again, seeing a slight improvement. He told Steve that he wanted to check a few details in his office and would be back in about twenty minutes. "If anything changes, call me and I'll be right back," he said as he went out the door.
Steve watched the door close behind him and sat down heavily in the chair next to the bed. Soldat had been doing so well this week and he'd hoped they'd gotten past all this and that the drug therapy was almost done. A couple of times, he'd thought Bucky was so close to the surface he could almost see him… and now this. What had prompted the Winter Soldier to come to the forefront? Could it really be the lack of drugs in his system or was there another underlying reason… he didn't know.
Maybe it was concern for his friend or the constant watchfulness but he was tired… so tired and he felt like crying again. Steve laid his head on the bed and without thinking, placed his hand over the Soldier's hand, curling his fingers around the Soldier's fingers. As he was falling asleep, he thought he felt those fingers tighten on his, just for a second. He lifted his head to look at the man on the bed for a moment and then put his head down and drifted off.