Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Chapter 40
Identity Crisis
Summary: After Vision addressed the Soldier by his former military rank, The Soldier experiences a psychological crisis as memory fragments invade his vision.
Faces flashed in his mind and he closed his eyes tightly trying to capture them. Steve watched him closely; he had a pained expression on his face as he tried to grasp the fleeting images. Army greens… a dress uniform… having words with a small boy, not a boy… a tiny, skinny man… a hug, a salute … they separate… explosions… bullets ricochet… a foxhole… under fire… a tank… pain… sickness… more pain… rescue…
He opened his eyes and looked at the man at the table staring back at him… it's the same man in his vision. He closed his eyes again, he grimaced and then he sees him through the fog in his head… red, white and blue under a brown leather bombers jacket… he slings a shield onto his back… they touch… running through fire… blue jacket… the same man standing on a mountain top… next to the blonde man still wearing red, white and blue. The Soldier grunted as if in pain and his breathing became rapid. A fleeting image… the Broken Man on the floor… i"Why him? Is he Sergeant Barnes? Is that how I know that name?"/i The Soldier had his eyes closed tight, grimacing as if in pain and his breaths were hard and labored.
Steve looked to Dr. Golden, a look of concern on his face. He wanted to ask but was afraid to voice his thoughts aloud. She saw his expression and told him, "Intrusive memory recall." She'd explained those before, he remembered. They all waited for the Soldier to process whatever he was experiencing and with a small gasp he opened his eyes. Unfocused he stared down at the table in front of him, but they all could see he was struggling with whatever images he'd just seen flashing through his head. A minute or so later he blinked once… then twice… then seemed to shake off the lingering sensation of the images he didn't understand and he looked at Vision. Steve noted that the expression on the Soldier's face was one of mixed confusion and even fear… but he didn't see anger.
Emily closed her notepad and took a final sip from her glass before standing up. "I'd like to see him in my office when you guys are done here," she told Steve and Natasha. "I think I'd like to start his evaluation interview tonight."
Steve looked up at her and nodded. Natasha kept her eyes on the Soldier; seeing a reflection of the man she once knew in the one sitting beside her. She wanted badly to reach her hand out and lay it atop his and beckon James to come out and say he knew her. As if reading her thoughts, the Soldier lifted his gaze and looked at her… but she didn't see any hint of recognition in his eyes.
When they'd decided their meal was done, Steve and Natasha brought the Soldier to Dr. Golden's office as requested. He was still bare foot and his hair hadn't yet been combed. He looked like exactly what he was at the moment; a psychiatric patient in the midst of drug detoxification. Steve noticed that his face had gone pale and it made the dark areas around his eyes appear even darker. He looked strung out and it happened so quickly. He hadn't looked that way just an hour ago when they got him dressed and brought him to the dining room. His appearance reminded Steve of his situation… and that he wasn't yet past all that chemically-induced control. As much as the Winter Soldier had adapted to the drugs he was constantly given, his brain now had to reconfigure to the new status quo and it hadn't yet. Was that why the Soldier seemed less hateful and less angry than he had a week ago? Maybe that was the change he was seeing. He didn't know for sure.
When the trio reached Dr. Golden's office the door was standing open in expectation of their arrival. Steve stepped in first and saw the interview table in the back of the room was still set up with a single chair behind it up against the wall. Dr. Golden was seated behind her desk, typing on a keyboard. When she saw them enter she tapped a few more keys and then stood up, greeting them with a smile.
As she walked over to them her smile faded and she looked at the Soldier with a more serious, contemplative expression. "Is he all right?" she asked, noting the change in his pallor from earlier.
"I think so," Steve answered. "He looks like crap though -."
Emily nodded in agreement. "Well, we'll see how far we can get with his interview tonight. We can always resume tomorrow if he has to take a break. I know Bruce had to give him a bit of drug therapy to bring him back on level. His system is probably dealing with that right now. Soldat hadn't needed one in over a week," she reminded them. "Okay, let's get him set up at the table."
Natasha escorted the Soldier to the table and showed him where to sit. He did so, but seemed unfocused and distracted. Once he was seated she moved aside and joined Steve in the sitting area nearby to allow Emily to conduct the evaluation interview without distraction.
Dr. Golden began the Soldier's assessment exactly as she'd conducted Soldat's by explaining to the Soldier that she was going to interview him as part of his evaluation. The Soldier didn't respond to her statement, he simply looked at her as if disinterested but ready to comply.
She began his evaluation by giving him three words which he immediately repeated back to her as instructed. She gave him five lists of words and he completed that test perfectly.
Dr. Golden pulled the box out from under the table and placed all the colored blocks in front of him. The Soldier scanned the group with complete focus and then he looked at the blonde woman sitting in front of him.
"Can you point to the blue triangle?" she asked.
The Soldier kept his eyes solidly on her face and raised his right hand from his lap. Without looking down at the grouping he correctly placed his finger on the blue triangle. Dr. Golden found his actions of great interest.
"Can you point to the orange octagon?"
Again, the Soldier reached forward and placed his finger on the correct block without taking his eyes off her face.
Steve and Natasha watched from their seats and glanced at each other as the Soldier completed the task without looking back down at the group of blocks. He'd taken the moment he needed at the beginning of the task to familiarize himself with the placement of each block. His actions not only showed Dr. Golden that he knew his colors and geometric shapes, but also his ability to memorize the exact location of multiple items. She also found his spatial awareness was extraordinary in so much as he was able to pinpoint their exact location without having to look down again.
She then asked him to point out two different blocks at the same time to see if he would remember the exact colors and shapes she asked for and he did, multiple times. His short term memory was a steel trap; nothing escaped his attention. To test this theory, Dr. Golden took out her cell phone and snapped a photo of the blocks on the table before putting all the blocks back into the storage box. She waited exactly one minute and then told him to take them out of the box and put them back on the table in the exact locations they were in before she moved them.
Both Natasha and Steve found themselves intrigued and moved slowly to the plush chair closest to the evaluation area so they could watch. The Soldier's eyes shifted from Emily's face to the two moving closer. When they stopped their advance and sat together on the arms of the chair he then looked back to the evaluator. He took a deep breath and reached into the box with his metal hand. He took the blocks out two at a time, glanced at them and then placed them on the table; the first set were placed one to the right toward the doctor and one to the left. The next two he pulled from the box went directly in front of him, one centered and the other just left of it. He continued on this way until he'd emptied the box and then withdrew his hand to rest in his lap as he waited.
Dr. Golden looked at the blocks on the table and then referred to the photo on her phone. She let out a breath and turned the phone slightly to show Steve and Natasha. Each block was exactly back in the location it had been when she first placed them on the table. Steve shook his head slowly in awe and Natasha simply bit down on her bottom lip for a second.
Emily put all the blocks back into the box and slipped it under the table again. She pulled a manila folder toward her and took out a piece of paper with a circle printed on it. He completed the clock face a number of times with the correct time she asked for each time. She noted that he placed the anchor numbers first, just as Soldat had done.
Then she changed it up a little and asked him to draw the clock in a mirror image. She expected him to simply put the 3 on the left and the 9 on the right with corresponding numbers in between… however, he not only put the numbers in reverse order, but he drew the numbers themselves backward precisely as they would be seen in a reflection. His attention to detail was extraordinary; between each number on the clock he even dabbed eight small dots to indicate the minutes between each number. She sat quietly as he worked to complete the task she asked of him. She knew he was finished with the task requested when he put the crayon down on the table.
After completing his assigned tasks, Dr. Golden asked him to repeat the words she'd given to him earlier. He looked at her for a moment and she could see his focus turn inward as if looking for that information. The evaluation was not a timed test, so she gave him whatever time he needed as long as he appeared to be actively trying to complete the task. A moment later his eyes focused on her again and he repeated for her the five sets of three words she'd given him at the beginning… in order.
Steve and Natasha shared a look and had a brief silent conversation communicated through their expressions. iDid you remember that? No. No, neither did I. Holy crap. You can say that again./i
Dr. Golden moved on to reading paragraphs to him that described a scenario or an event that he would then have to explain how he felt about what he just heard or he was asked to describe what actions he would take in the scenario given. When asked about his feelings regarding what he'd heard, his brow furrowed as if not understanding what she was asking. Emily explained that she wanted to know if the story he'd heard made him feel sad, or happy or anxious - his expression shifted and she could tell that he was thinking she was out of her mind. He never offered his feelings and the only actions he gave to her scenarios were actions expected of a soldier. The puppy abandoned and helpless in the middle of a busy street was not rescued by him. It was the point of the story to try to trigger any human emotion regarding the helpless puppy but he simply told her he would complete the mission and return to a pre-arranged evac site.
She then moved to ask him questions pertaining to his level of cognition.
"Can you tell me your name?" she asked him and he looked at her. The look in his eyes grabbed her attention as it seemed as though he understood the question, tried to find the answer in his memory and then gave up and gave her the only answer he could.
"Zimni Soldat," he told her. He watched her write it down and then she kept writing. He sighed and began to chew on the inside of his lip. He knew that wasn't entirely correct, but he was at a loss to find another answer.
"Do you know where you are?" she asked him. They looked at each other for a long moment and then he looked around the room as if trying to find the answer.
"Gidru?" he asked. Emily blinked at him and then looked over at Natasha.
"It means Hydra. He's not sure but answered "Hydra?" she told Emily.
She scribbled a note and then looked at him again. "Do you know what today's date is?"
The Soldier glanced around and she wondered if he was searching for a calendar. His gaze landed on Steve and Natasha momentarily to see they were watching him with interest. His tongue peeked out to moisten his bottom lip and then he slowly shook his head.
"Do you know what iyear/i it is?" she asked, changing the question to make it a little easier for him.
He took a deep breath and shifted slightly in his chair. His eyes roamed over the table top as if he was searching inwardly for the answer. His jaw clenched and she watched the muscles pulse and then he shook his head slowly. He watched her scribble on her notepad and he turned his head away from her to face the blank wall. When Emily finished her notation she looked at him and got the feeling that he was trying hard to access that information.
"You're not at Hydra," she told him. He turned slowly to look back at her. He didn't look angry, just maybe confused and a little lost. "You're not at any Hydra base," she told him and she watched his expression as he took in that information. "You're in New York," she told him and watched him frown as if wondering why he was in New York, or maybe that sounded familiar to him. "You're in America, in New York City… Manhattan… and the year is 2014."
He didn't react at first to any of the information she was telling him, until she told him the year. The muscles on his face seemed to tighten and his throat worked as if having difficulty swallowing. Did he understand what that year meant for him? Or was his reaction an indication that he didn't believe her? No. She was certain he believed her. He just didn't know what to think or how to respond to the information.
Dr. Golden realized that the normal, direct questions often asked to clients to determine in what areas they needed assistance were not going to work with this particular client. He would not answer questions pertaining to how or when he feels the most anxious, or depressed… he wouldn't answer questions about his sleeping or eating habits because, for the most part, Hydra never afforded him time to do either. Cryo-stasis was his form of sleep and it wasn't something over which he had any control; neither was nutrition and hydration. So now, her questions for the Soldier were on the more unconventional side of psychotherapy, and worded in a manner that got him to offer his insights on certain things. It didn't take her long to figure out the method of getting him to tell her about what was going on inside his head. He reported his issues to her as if he was a mechanic giving a detailed report of the things he felt were going wrong with his icomputer/i or his programming. It was extremely insightful once she got beyond trying to get him to focus on himself as a person, which in itself was extremely telling.
She interviewed the Soldier for two hours and then called for a break. She figured he'd probably be able to go on like this all night – like a robot, to do so. Dr. Golden wasn't going to do that. She gathered up the papers and her notes and placed them back into the folder. She looked at the Winter Soldier and he looked back at her with a neutral expression and then she turned in her chair to direct her next words to Captain Rogers.
"That's it for tonight. We'll resume tomorrow after lunch," she told him.
"There's more?" he asked.
"Oh yes," she told him and then looked at the Soldier with a soft smile. "He's fascinating," she told them. "And now that I've figured out my technique I'm going to put together some more questions geared more toward his mentality and his history as he may know it and I'll be ready for him tomorrow afternoon. Take him for a walk or to the common area to relax… whatever he needs to get his mind off of this."
"I have a feeling he's already moved past this," Natasha mentioned as she watched the Soldier glancing up at the ceiling and then at the paintings on the walls close to him.
"You may be right," Emily said with a grin. "Thank you all," she said and stood up. She moved to her desk as Steve and Natasha beckoned the Soldier to follow them. When the three had left the room, she sat down and flipped open the folder to begin transferring her notes onto her computer for safe keeping.
Steve decided to bring the Soldier back to his own apartment. He was getting tired of the atmosphere inside the Soldier's infirmary room and he wasn't really in the mood to put him on display in the common area. He just wanted a little private time with him. He invited Natasha back to his place for a cup of tea and she accepted. She liked the idea of just the three of them spending a little relaxing time away from everyone else.
So they escorted the Winter Soldier to ' apartment and Steve went straight to the kitchen to put a tea kettle to boil as Natasha led the Soldier to the table set in the open space just off the main working area. He took a seat in the chair she pointed at and slowly looked around the room.
Natasha let him take in the space by himself as she went to help prepare their mugs for tea.
"That was pretty amazing, wasn't it? I mean… that whole thing with the blocks," she mentioned to Steve and he nodded as he took a new box of tea bags out of the cabinet.
He opened the box and placed a tea bag in each of the three mugs on the counter and then deposited the rest into an airtight jar on the counter and sealed it. Tossing the box into the recycle container under the sink he glanced back at the Soldier. "Not only that," he replied, "but the word list…? I had forgotten most of the words… he not only remembered them, but -."
"He remembered them in the exact order they were given to him," Natasha said, finishing his thought.
"Yeah."
"That was pretty impressive, if you ask me," Natasha told him and Steve nodded. He turned to lean his backside against the counter and folded his arms across his chest as he waited for the water to heat up.
"And a little unnerving," Steve added, watching the Soldier sitting alone at the table. "He did all that after being hopped up on a cocktail of drugs," he added. "Can you imagine what he could do if -."
"—he was in his right mind?" Natasha asked, finishing his question.
"Yeah."
A few minutes later, the soft whistle coming from the kettle on the stove pulled the Soldier's attention to it. He sat up a little taller as he looked at the two handlers standing across the kitchen talking. He watched the blonde man take the kettle from the stove top and pour water into three mugs. After he replaced it on the stove, they picked up the steaming mugs and walked to the table to place one in front of him and he looked at it.
Steve and Natasha took a seat to either side of him. He watched them stir the liquid in their cups and then add things to it. At one point, the blonde man held a small container toward him and asked, "Sugar?" but the soldier just looked at him.
Steve exchanged a look with Natasha and she shrugged, so he took a chance and added one spoonful of sugar to the Soldier's cup. The Soldier looked down at it and watched as the sugar melted as it hit the boiling water.
Natasha stirred hers and then reached over to stir his before putting the spoon down on a napkin and lifting the cup to her lips. She blew on it and then sipped carefully. The Soldier watched her every move as if he was learning a new thing. After she took a sip, Natasha lowered the cup to the table again and gave him a little smile.
The Soldier looked at Steve. When he realized the Soldier was waiting to see what he was going to do, he raised his cup and took a careful sip. The Soldier watched him intently and then Steve lowered his cup and gave the him a single nod. He looked down at the cup in front of him and ignoring the handle on the right side of it, he lifted his left hand and grabbed the cup around the body. Lifting it to his lips he felt the hot steam rise up in front of his face so he carefully tested it against his lip and then took a sip. He put the cup back down on the table just as the other two had done and the three just looked back and forth among themselves for a moment.
Steve was trying to think of something to say and then the words were out before he even realized he was thinking it. "I have dominoes."
Both the Soldier and Natasha looked at him. Natasha smiled at him and the Soldier's eyebrows knitted together a little in confusion.
"Dominoes?" Natasha asked, still smiling.
Steve shrugged and his cheeks flushed a little. "Just something to do with him instead of sitting here staring at each other," he told her. "Hell, you taught him to play Thumb War… he should be able to learn how to play dominoes," he told her. "Right? Bucky and I used to play sometimes on weekend bunk overs."
Natasha kept smiling and gave a shrug. "Sure, why not? Even if he doesn't figure it out, it'll be productive interaction."
So they laid the entire set of dominoes out on the dining table and explained to the Soldier how to play. They showed him tiles that would link together and why. When he raised his eyebrows as if he thought it was interesting, they figured he got it and shuffled the tiles upside down on the table. They told him to choose any twelve tiles; he did after which Natasha chose hers and then Steve chose his.
They played three games over the next four hours and the Soldier won two of those games. His ability to strategize in every competitive situation was remarkable and, whether it was Thumb War or dominoes, he was a serious opponent.
It was nearly one o'clock in the morning when the Soldier went out on the third game so they decided to call it a night and gathered up the tiles, pushing them off the edge of the table into the box and Steve returned it to the cabinet in the living room from where he'd gotten it. The Soldier watched his every move and Natasha watched him watching Steve. When he became aware of her stare his gaze slid to her and she smiled at him. The Soldier frowned at her which only made her breathe out a laugh. She stood up from the table to say good night and gave Steve a hug.
"See you after lunch," she said with a grin.
"Yeah," he replied. "Probably shouldn't have kept him up this late." They both looked at the Soldier still sitting at the table watching their physical exchange. His eyes were still surrounded by dark circles but his color had returned to normal.
Natasha leaned against Steve lightly and smiled at the Soldier. "Spokoynoy nochi, Soldat," she offered, saying good night.
The Soldier just looked at her and then lowered his gaze but she was sure she saw him respond with a slight nod.
"Good night, Steve," she said and left him with the Soldier.
Steve watched her leave and close the door behind her then he turned to look at the Soldier to see him looking back. i'Now what?'/i Steve thought silently.
"You want to sit in the living room? It's a little more comfortable than the kitchen," Steve mentioned, gesturing toward the couch and chairs in the living area. "Come on over," he invited.
The Soldier stood up and walked over to him. The two looked at one another for a moment and Steve was sure he could see a hint of Bucky in those eyes. If only… then Steve shook himself from his wishful thinking and took a step back. "Take your pick," he said and the Soldier looked at the two chairs and the couch between them. One chair was up against a wall so he stepped over to that one. He looked at the blonde man and Steve nodded before going to the couch. He sat down and reclined back on one of the couch pillows and watched the Soldier who slowly took his seat.
The over-stuffed chair seemed to curl around him as his weight settled into it, giving the Soldier a sense of safety and comfort. He took a deep breath and suddenly felt tired. Steve watched from his reclined position as the Soldier's eyes slowly closed. He'd had a full day after completing his drug therapy and Steve realized he probably should have brought him back to his room after his evaluation interview had ended.
He felt a little selfish, but he'd enjoyed playing dominoes with Bucky again… even if it wasn't really Bucky in the game. During the war they'd found a set in a bombed out home in Italy and Bucky had stuffed it in his pack to take with them. They'd play it to pass the time when sheltering in deserted barns or abandoned homes. It reminded them of home.
After the Soldier fell asleep in the chair and Steve was certain he was in a deep sleep blanketed by the drugs in his system, he got up and pulled a sketch book from a drawer above the cabinet in which he'd stored the dominoes. He returned to the couch and flipped the pages until he found a blank one and proceeded to sketch the sleeping Soldier. Wearing civilian clothes and sunk down in the plush chair he looked like Bucky… with long hair and beard scrub. Steve smiled to himself and settled in to draw him in detail.
An hour passed as Steve sketched the Soldier, detailing everything about him that he could get on paper before the man woke up. His pencil scratched against the grain of the paper and he used his thumb to blend the graphite then glanced up to check his details and paused. The Soldier's eyes were open and he was looking at him with a slight frown. Steve stopped moving and just watched him as he fought to keep his eyes open.
"You okay?" he asked, not expecting him to answer, it was just habit to ask.
The Soldier's eyes opened again at the familiar sound of his voice and his expression shifted. iIn his mind's eye he saw that small yellow haired boy lying on couch cushions on the floor as he sketched/i. He looked like he was in pain and then he opened his mouth -
"Steve?"
Steve froze… not only did he stop breathing but he was certain his heart had stopped beating in that moment. It was Bucky's voice… saying his name… and then his eyes closed and his head dropped forward, long hair shielding his face once more.
Steve stared at him for long minutes, unsure if he dreamed that or if it had actually happened. He forgot about the pencil and sketch pad as he slowly sat up and they fell to the floor.
"Buck?" he tried to say, but his voice broke with emotion and came out as barely a whisper. He stared at the Soldier now asleep in his living room and before he even realized how that single word – his name – had affected him, tears were streaming down his face.
Time seemed to have stood still as he stared at the sleeping Soldier and wished with all his heart that his friend would wake up and recognize him. Steve didn't realize how long he sat there stunned by the single word the Soldier had uttered... no, not the Soldier, it had been Bucky! More than half an hour had passed and then exhaustion slipped in to claim him too. He slowly sat back to recline on the couch again and slipped into a deep sleep within minutes.