Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier

Chapter 42

Title: A Friend in Need

Summary: After the sudden emergence of Sgt. Barnes, a new set of challenges become evident and the team steps up to help out and a secret is revealed.

The members of the team stood together in silence outside the ring; allowing Rogers the time he needed to process his emotions and focus on his friend who had finally broken through his Winter Soldier conditioning.

Dr. Golden watched them for a few moments; drawn in by the emotional scene and then collected herself enough to remember why she was there and able to witness Barnes' emergence.

"Give us the room, please," she said softly as she watched the two men embracing each other. When nobody moved she turned her gaze on the team members and Sam looked at her. The others were still engrossed in the action going on inside the ring. Natasha was on the far side of the ring, completely focused on the man folded up in Steve's arms. "Please, give us the room," Emily repeated with a little more force as she took control of the situation.

Sam gave her a nod and tapped Tony on the arm. Stark looked at him and nodded then turned to go. Sam moved to follow him and touched Clint's arm as he passed by. Clint nodded and held up a finger to let him know he'd be right behind him. Barton had been watching Natasha, who hadn't taken her eyes off Barnes since he whispered Steve's name.

He walked over to her; wondering what was going through her head. Clint stepped up to her and laid his hand gently on her shoulder. Natasha started slightly and looked at him. If he didn't know better, Clint could swear she was affected by the situation a lot more than she would allow anyone to know.

"Are you okay?" he asked, keeping his voice low. Natasha nodded, but her expression was full of sorrow; it was clear that she was fighting to hold back her own emotions. "Dr. Golden needs the room. We can wait upstairs." Natasha looked back at Barnes, biting lightly on her bottom lip. She nodded and followed Clint out of the gym still clutching the Soldier's tee shirt in her hands. As she followed Barton toward the door, she lifted the black tee and pressed her face into it, breathing in deeply. His scent was so familiar and memories of her past with the Winter Soldier - with James – were suddenly so clear in her head that it made her heart ache. Clint reached for the door and stepped aside to let her go first. She quickly pulled the shirt away from her face before he had a chance to see what she was doing.

Emily had asked Bruce to remain, just in case medical attention was required. He assisted in helping her up onto the ring floor and then stayed close by but out of the way.

They waited for five long minutes for Barnes' debilitating sobs to ease. Steve kept him safely encircled in his arms until he became quiet. His body lost some of its tension and Steve glanced to Dr. Golden. He was the only one in physical contact with Bucky so she couldn't feel his tension fall away but Steve's glance told her something had changed.

As Bucky lifted his face away from Steve's chest; his breathing sounded labored but that was to be expected after such an emotional breakdown. His head hung low and Steve made attempts to get him to sit up straighter so he could raise his chin and get a look at him. Barnes pushed back against his attempts to put space between them, wanting to stay close to him. Steve pressed his hands to either side of Bucky's head trying to lift his face to him, but he let out a loud grunt of refusal as he pressed forward against him. Steve let go, giving in to Bucky's wishes and as Barnes fell heavily against him, Steve wrapped his arms around him once more.

Steve looked at Dr. Golden to see she was completely focused on Barnes. A moment later she looked down at Bruce. "Blanket?" she requested and Bruce nodded and left them, returning quickly with a blanket from the infirmary. He handed it up to her and she unfolded it halfway then draped it across his back, tucking it around his shoulders. As she did that, she allowed her hand to make contact with his skin; it felt cold but he was damp with sweat. She glanced at Steve and turned to Bruce.

"He's in shock," she told him. "Let's get him out of here… carefully," she told Steve. "Try not to jostle him too much. Work at his speed," she instructed. Steve nodded and shifted his position to signal Barnes that they were moving. He kept one arm wrapped around his friend as he slid on his knees toward the side of the ring where Bruce was waiting.

As Steve moved carefully, dragging Bucky along with him, Emily kept her hands pressed against his back urging him to move in the same direction. He was trying to cooperate with them but it appeared that he was having difficulty with his motor functions. A few minutes ago he was doing back flips from a lying position on the floor and cart-wheeling over Rogers' head to break free. Now, his present condition was more evidence that each time his brain shifted to allow a different version of Barnes to emerge, the shift came with deficiencies in brain functioning. It wasn't just one version of the Soldier, Soldat, or Barnes that needed to recover from all he'd endured, but each stage of his destruction seemed to have its own issues and would require its own stage of recovery.

When Steve made it close enough to the edge of the ring, he pressed Bucky away from him just enough to be able to swing his legs; which were folded under him, out and around. He smoothly slid under the ropes and down onto the floor. Steve pulled Bucky along the mat and out from under the ropes. Steve held onto him, holding him aloft as his legs were still in the ring. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve's neck as Emily pulled his legs around until Bruce could reach in and take hold.

Banner pulled his legs out of the ring and set his feet on the floor, letting Steve adjust to the new position now that Barnes was standing upright. Bucky's arms were wrapped so tightly around Steve's neck that Cap could barely move and he couldn't turn his head to look at Banner. Instead of trying to loosen Bucky's arms, Steve clenched his teeth trying to fight back tears as the crushing sensation of Bucky's tight embrace broke Steve's heart. He was barely able to keep the tears at bay as his mind shoved a single thought into his brain: if he had only been able to hold onto his friend just like this… Instead of allowing that guilt to take over, he wrapped his arms around Bucky's torso and held onto him nearly as tight, letting his friend find solid comfort in his arms.

Steve took a moment and then a deep breath before taking a step backward. With the single step he ended up nearly dragging Bucky along with him as Barnes was slow to move his leg. "Buck? Can you walk?" he asked. Bucky didn't answer; he just clung to Steve as if for his very life. "Can we get a wheelchair?" he asked the two doctors. "Otherwise, I have to carry him."

"Is he not walking?" Emily asked, concerned. Steve shook his head and Bruce called the team through his earwig device, asking for someone to bring a wheelchair to the gym. He knew the others wouldn't have gone far.

"It feels like he's trying, but… I don't know. It's like his muscles are misfiring," Steve told her, keeping his arms safely around his friend.

"They probably are," she told him. "As I mentioned before, it's quite possible that he may end up with some disabilities due to the repeated traumas he's had to endure. I'm holding out hope though that his super soldier serum will allow him to recover most of his abilities. It's just going to take time."

The call came out over their earwigs and the group paused as they got out of the elevator. "I'll get it," Clint told them but Natasha stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"I'll do it," she said. Clint looked at her closely and frowned. "Let me," she said.

"Are you okay?" he asked her and she nodded, but he didn't quite believe her.

Clint thought about it for a second and then nodded. He didn't know what was going on with her, but something about Barnes' emergence had a profound effect on her. He intended to sit her down later to find out what was going on. He'd relented though and Natasha gave him a grateful smile and squeezed his arm before heading back down to assist in the gym.

The door opened and they looked over to see Natasha pulling a wheelchair through as she held the door open with her back.

"Sorry," Bruce called out to her as he made his way over to assist her with it. He took the chair from her, wheeled it over to Steve and set the brakes.

Steve turned Bucky around and lowered him into the chair. He knelt down to set the foot rests and lifted Bucky's feet onto them. He paused with his hand resting around Bucky's ankle and looked up into his face. He was saddened to see a nearly blank stare and raised his hand to press his palm to Bucky's cheek. Barnes blinked slowly and raised his eyes to look at Steve.

"Steve…" Barnes said quietly, recognizing him. Steve smiled softly at him.

"Hey, pal," Steve replied, gently swiping a loose strand of hair from Bucky's face and then stood up. He moved to the back of the chair and saw Natasha still standing there staring at Barnes as if her thoughts were far away. She was still holding the Soldier's tee shirt balled up in her hand, unconsciously wringing it tightly. "Natasha?" It took a few seconds for her to realize he'd said her name and she pulled her gaze away from Barnes to look up at him. "Is everything all right?" Steve asked. She considered his question for a moment and then nodded, offering a small smile that he didn't quite believe.

Steve maneuvered the wheelchair out of the gym and up the corridor; Natasha walked beside him with her hand resting on Bucky's metal shoulder with the two doctors following behind them. Steve stopped in front of the elevator and the group stopped with him. The two doctors looked at one another.

"Steve?" Dr. Banner spoke up. "Where are you going?"

"I'm taking him to my place."

"It'd be better if he remains in the infirmary for now," Bruce said, trying to reason with him.

"I'm sick of the infirmary," Steve told him, not taking his eyes off the elevator door. "The Soldier's not here anymore. I want Bucky with me."

Bruce exchanged a glance with Emily, not sure how far he'd be able to push this before Steve snapped, but he continued.

"Steve, it's much easier for me to tend to his medical needs if he's in the infirmary."

"He doesn't need medical attention anymore. He's back… he's going to be fine." Steve never looked at Bruce as they spoke. Dr. Golden saw his behavior as extremely protective and defensive. She was also certain that Steve didn't fully believe his own words. She understood that his emotions were mixed up at the moment but she knew he wanted what was best for Barnes. He also wanted to believe that he was all Bucky needed now, but he was also frightened that Barnes did need more in the way of medical and psychological care.

"Captain," Emily interjected, "Bruce is right. We need to evaluate him and tend to his needs. He's not out of danger yet. He's still showing signs of traumatic brain injury and possibly side effects from the drugs… he needs to be looked after properly. Please… Captain?"

Steve clenched his jaw and looked down at the top of Bucky's head. Barnes hadn't reacted to anything being said and considering it had everything to do with him, Steve knew his lack of response made it clear enough that the doctors were correct. He sighed heavily and nodded. He pulled the wheelchair back and turned it in the direction of the Soldier's room.

He wheeled the chair up to the side of the bed as Dr. Golden reached for the bed controls and lowered it so it would be easier and safer to get Barnes settled.

Steve set the brakes on the chair and moved to the front. Kneeling down he looked up at Bucky's face to see him still staring blankly toward the floor. Steve lifted his right foot and then his left, setting them on his thigh before folding up the foot rests and placing his bare feet on the floor then looked up at his friend.

"Hey, buddy," Steve said to get his attention but Barnes remained blindly staring. "I'm going to help you stand up, okay? Then we're going to pivot around and you're going to sit down on the bed behind me. Okay?" He watched Bucky closely and it took a few moments for Barnes to blink. He blinked a second time and took a deep breath. It seemed to take all his effort to focus his eyes and look at Steve. "Do you understand?" Steve asked him. He waited another few moments and then Barnes nodded. Steve smiled at him and reached up to give his cheek a soft pat then he stood up. Bending down, he hooked his arms under Bucky's armpits to be sure he had a safe hold and good leverage. In that position he was cheek to cheek with Bucky and as he readied himself to lift his friend from the chair, he heard him say one word softly in his ear.

"Stevie..."

Steve leaned his forehead on Bucky's shoulder for a minute, as his emotions threatened to shatter him into pieces. His breathing was shaky as he tried to keep control of himself and he had to push it all away so he could focus on moving Barnes safely to the bed. Emily noticed him pause with his head on Barnes' shoulder and wondered briefly what was wrong. Before she could ask if he was all right, Steve looked around so he'd know where each of the team members were standing as he didn't want to bump into anyone as he maneuvered Barnes from the chair to the bed. As he looked around and caught her gaze, Dr. Golden noticed his tear-filled eyes and knew that something had happened in that moment. She'd ask about it later.

"Okay, pal, on three I want you to push up with your legs, okay? I'm going to help you." Bucky didn't reply or respond, but Steve assumed he understood. "Okay, here we go… one… two… three." On three he hefted Barnes out of the chair and the movement seemed to snap Bucky out of his entranced state. As Steve lifted his weight out of the chair, Bucky's hands came up to grip Steve's shoulders. He pressed as hard as he could against Steve, using him as leverage to help lift himself to his feet. The blanket slipped off his shoulders as he was lifted to a standing position.

Steve continued to hold him upright until he felt Barnes take some control of his muscles and was standing mostly on his own. He relaxed his hold slightly to make sure Bucky wouldn't collapse if he let go. Barnes remained standing, albeit shakily but he was holding himself upright. Steve smiled at him and Bucky gave a small smile back but he looked completely wrung out.

"Okay, we're going to dance now. I'm going to spin you around so you're standing with your back to the bed, okay?" Bucky nodded that he understood and Steve smiled at him. "You always wanted to teach me how to dance… here's your chance. On three again, we're going to pivot… one… two … three, turn."

With only one stumble as Bucky's foot hit Steve's before he was able to move it out of the way they finished the spin and Steve laughed lightly. "I always told you, I have two left feet. Now do you believe me?" Bucky smiled at that.

"You were… never… graceful," Bucky told him.

Steve had to fight back tears as he nodded. He didn't want to cry in front of his friend as he didn't think Bucky would understand that they were both happy and sad tears, so instead he forced out a laugh.

"No, I never was graceful. You were always the graceful one," Steve told him and Bucky's smile disappeared. "Okay, the bed is right behind you, we're going to sit you back down, okay?" Bucky began to lower himself to a seated position on the edge of the bed before waiting for a countdown. Steve kept his hands on him in case he lost his balance, but he sat down solidly on the bed. "Okay, now we're going to spin again and you're going to rest your back against the raised mattress." Steve slapped his hand on the raised section of the bed and Barnes turned his head to look at it.

Bruce stepped over to them as Bucky began to lean backward toward the raised bed, Steve guided his shoulders and Bruce lifted his legs and swung them up onto the bed. As he lay back against the mattress he had to fight to keep his eyes open.

"It's okay, Buck. You can rest," Steve told him and raised the bed rail before turning to grab the blanket off the wheelchair.

Bruce moved to the other side of the bed and did a quick check of his patient's pulse and skin temperature. He lifted his eyelids to check the color of the whites of his eyes and his pupil reactions, which took the skilled doctor mere seconds to accomplish. He quickly attached the monitor leads to Bucky's torso and right arm.

Natasha released the brakes on the wheelchair and pulled it back out of the way. She left it by the far wall and moved closer to the others so she could look at Barnes as the others tended to him.

Dr. Golden lowered the head of the bed slightly as Steve covered Bucky with the blanket. As he worked to spread the cover Bucky reached out with his right hand. He grabbed Steve's left hand and held on tight. Steve stopped what he was doing to look at his friend. He looked down at their clasped hands and, turning his hand over, he covered Bucky's with his free hand.

Emily stopped lowering the head when Barnes reached out to grab onto Steve. She looked at their clasped hands and noticed Barnes was holding on so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. She left the bed at a 45* angle, uncertain if he was experiencing vertigo or if he simply wanted to make sure to keep Steve close. She pulled a chair over for Steve, since he was essentially unable to move away to get one for himself. He gave Emily a smile and a nod of thanks and sat down. He lowered the bed rail so he didn't have to reach over it to maintain contact. Steve watched as Bucky's eyes began to close and squeezed his hand to let him know he was still there. Bucky squeezed back and Steve smiled. As Bucky fell asleep, Steve pulled the blanket up to cover his chest the best he could with his free hand.

Emily walked around Steve to stand at the foot of the bed and looked back and forth between the two friends. Steve looked up at her and smiled.

"He's back," Steve said and Emily smiled and nodded.

"He's back," she said. She knew Barnes' emergence wasn't the end of this assignment, it was quite the beginning actually; but she kept that to herself and allowed Steve to have the moment. "I won't be far," she told him. He nodded and Emily moved away to leave him with his friend as Bruce took a seat at his station in the corner.

Natasha was standing out of the way but watching Barnes closely. The expression on her face made Emily pause. She studied Natasha's face and read her expression as one of sorrow and longing. Dr. Golden looked down at Sgt. Barnes and back to Nat. Her brow knitted slightly in curiosity and then she reached across Natasha to rest her hand on her arm as a signal to turn away.

"Come with me," she requested. Natasha hesitated a second longer and then looked at Emily before nodding and turning toward the door.

As the women exited the room, Dr. Golden turned to close the door quietly and it didn't escape her notice that Natasha was still focused on Barnes until the door clicked shut.

"Let's go to my office," she suggested. Natasha considered the invitation and then nodded. As they rode the elevator up Dr. Golden noticed the black cloth Natasha was holding onto tightly with both hands. "What do you have there?" she asked.

Natasha looked at her and then raised her hands to look at it. "Oh… it's his," she answered.

"It's his?" Golden repeated, unsure of what that meant.

"Yeah," Natasha nodded. "It's his shirt. He threw it to me before they started sparring."

"Which 'he'?" Dr. Golden asked.

"James," Natasha answered.

"The Soldier threw his shirt to you -."

"Yes," Natasha replied thoughtfully. Remembering how, in that moment, when she glared at him for nearly hitting her in the face with it… he almost grinned. It was as if he'd done it on purpose; as if teasing her. Natasha smiled softly as she remembered that moment.

Emily watched her closely; noting the thoughtful smile. "May I see it?'

Natasha looked at her. "It's just a tee shirt."

Emily nodded. "I know. May I see it?" she asked, holding out her hand.

Natasha looked at her hand and she tried desperately to not let her face show any indication that the last thing she wanted to do was hand it off to someone else. She visibly straightened her shoulders and tried to give the impression that she had little concern, but Emily didn't buy her act. As Natasha offered her the shirt, Emily chose to not take it from her.

"It's okay. You hold onto it," she told Nat. "We have a few things to talk about, don't we?"

"Do we?" Natasha asked, still trying to come across as oblivious to what Emily meant.

"We do," she said as the elevator doors opened. She stepped out and walked down the hall to her office. She led the way inside. Natasha followed her and closed the door behind her.

"So," Dr. Golden began as she took her seat on the couch. She looked at Natasha with an amicable expression and when Romanoff looked over at her Emily simply smiled.

Natasha looked a little uneasy and waited a few seconds for Emily to continue. When she didn't say anything more, looking at her expectantly, Natasha finally questioned her. "So?"

"So… when were you going to come out and tell me… tell us that your relationship with the Winter Soldier was more than just a teacher and student relationship?" Emily asked.

Natasha blinked at her and took a deep breath, but she still tried hard to present herself as oblivious to what Dr. Golden was inferring.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

"Yes you do," Dr. Golden countered, but did so in a friendly, non-threatening manner. "You and the Soldier… were more than teacher and student."

Natasha stared at her for a long moment and then shook her head as she averted her gaze. "I don't know what you mean."

"Natasha…"

Natasha stood up so suddenly that it appeared she sprang out of the seat. "I really don't know what you're trying to get at," she replied, walking away from the seating area. Emily watched her and said nothing for a while. Natasha Romanoff was not one to wear her heart on her sleeve… ever… but no matter how much she tried to pretend, she just couldn't keep it together. Not this time.

"You and he were… intimate?" Dr. Golden asked; trying to be as careful as she possibly could.

Natasha stood near the windows looking out over the grounds. For a moment she didn't react to the question and Emily wasn't certain that she would. Then Natasha's head dropped forward as if she suddenly surrendered to it. She nodded.

"You really should have told me," Dr. Golden said. "I could have helped you in dealing with all of this on a different level. I can't even imagine how difficult this entire ordeal has been for you."

Natasha turned to face her again. "He is what is important right now. He's all that matters."

"I can understand how you may feel that way, but it's simply not true," Emily told her. "I'm here for all of you. Yes, I was called in because the team needed a psychologist in house for the mission of capturing the Winter Soldier with the hopes of trying to… de-program him. But as I stated to all of you in the beginning, I'm here also to help each of you as you go through this ordeal right along with him."

Natasha thought about that and nodded, remembering the first day they sat down with her. But this was Steve's mission, he was Steve's best friend – this wasn't supposed to be about her. She closed her eyes and raised the crumpled shirt up to her face. She pressed her face into it lightly and inhaled his scent then she clutched it to her chest. Emily watched her and frowned, concerned.

"Were you in love with him?" she asked. Every move and expression Natasha made told her that she was, but she needed Natasha to admit it to herself. She needed to acknowledge her feelings or this would end badly. Natasha took a deep breath. She swallowed thickly and then nodded.

"We were in love, yes," she answered.

"He felt the same way?" Dr. Golden asked.

Natasha nodded then she got a faraway look on her face and she smiled softly. "We were great together," she told Emily. "For the little bit of time we were able to steal… to be together…" she explained. "I told you that I hadn't seen him for decades until the battle in D.C. -." Emily nodded. "That wasn't entirely true," Natasha confessed.

"I had a feeling it wasn't," Emily told her. Natasha looked at her and tilted her head in query. "Well, there were a few things you had stated about your time in the Red Room and with the KGB that didn't quite add up. I believe you when you tell us details about being in the Red Room and training with him… but when you'd say you wouldn't see him for years or decades after, it just didn't quite add up."

"Oh…" Natasha replied. "Odd, because I'm usually a better liar than that," she said with a grin. "It is part of my skill set."

"I'm sure it is," Emily said with a smile in return.

"I must be losing my touch," Natasha added.

"Oh, I doubt that. You seem rather an expert in all that you are required to do… but I think, in a way, you wanted to be found out."

Natasha looked at her and frowned. Did she want to be found out?

"When we're in love, we want the whole world to know it. It's actually a difficult emotion to hide… even harder to lie about successfully. Just because the two of you were in a precarious situation which required you both to keep it as clandestine as possible… doesn't mean that you, nor he, would have loved to be able to shout it to the heavens."

"He was everything I needed at the time," Natasha told her. "He was strong and capable, but he was caring and gentle… with me, anyway. After I realized he wasn't completely subjugated, that he was pretending for the most part while on the base and allowed to move around… he would pretend to be completely turned whenever a handler or wrangler was nearby. That's why, when we were caught…" The memory of that moment, before they'd been found out, filled Natasha's heart so full… the quiet manner in which he'd speak to her, the gentle way he caressed her face before moving in to kiss her softly. Their kisses always started off soft and gentle and quickly became heated and wanton… he made her feel safe. She'd never felt safe at any time in her life before him. When they took him away, they took away her only sense of 'safe'.

Natasha clapped her hand over her mouth as her grief suddenly poured out of her. Her tears were unstoppable and she bent forward, burying her face in his shirt as her muffled sobs could be heard. Emily got up and went to her quickly, guiding her to the chair. She sat Natasha down in the big plush chair which Steve usually occupied and went to pour her a drink. She returned and waited for Natasha to gain control of herself. When she finally caught her breath and lowered the shirt, she looked at Emily. Emily held out the glass and Natasha took it with a shaky hand.

Emily walked to her desk and came back with a box of tissues and set it in Natasha's lap just as she threw back the drink. It was just a shot's worth, enough to settle her nerves but not enough to make her tipsy. Natasha swallowed and relished the heat of it coating her throat. Emily took the glass from her and placed it on the coffee table beside her as she sat down on it. She wanted to be close to Nat to keep the atmosphere of quiet confidence between them.

"Now… I want to hear all about him," she told Natasha. Her tone made Nat smile because she wasn't talking as a psychologist but as a friend. Nat sat back in the soft chair and began to tell Emily all about her short love affair with James… The Winter Soldier.