Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier

Chapter 43

Title: He Who Wakes

Summary: As Sgt. Barnes sleeps after his shocking emergence, Steve is relieved by Sam Wilson so he can shower and tend to his own needs. As Sam keeps watch Barnes wakes; allowing Wilson to take his turn at being a friend that Barnes needs. Natasha and Dr. Golden conclude their private meeting with a devastating revelation.

"I think part of me was holding onto hope that, maybe, I'd get a chance to see him one last time before -." Natasha pressed a tissue under her nose as she realized she couldn't finish the sentence.

"Do you think seeing him one last time would have made this any easier?" Emily asked her, "- or would it have made losing him again that much harder?"

Natasha looked at her as she considered that dilemma and then shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "I really just… I just wanted to be able to talk to him one last time. You know?"

"What do you think that would have accomplished?" Dr. Golden asked.

"I don't know!" Natasha answered a little heatedly. "I just would have liked to say… to tell him that I… that I love him and I will always love him." Dr. Golden didn't say anything. She waited not wanting to interrupt Natasha's thoughts. "I never got to say good bye," Natasha told her. There it was.

"Are you referring to years ago or today?" Emily asked.

"Both," Natasha answered then shrugged. "Either."

"You never allowed yourself to grieve his loss," Emily told her. "You buried your feelings and the truth of the two of you as a couple for so long. And now it appears as though your chance to get that back, even for a moment, has passed. Natasha, you have to allow yourself to grieve his loss." Natasha shifted in her seat and clutched the crumpled tee shirt in her hands. "You've lost someone near and dear to you; someone who made you feel safe for the first and possibly the last time in your life."

Natasha nodded; that was the truth. She had felt safe just knowing he was there, knowing he was nearby, even if he wasn't in the same room or even in the same building. Just knowing he existed and that he loved her had made Natasha Romanoff feel as though she could take on the world.

"Not only do you need to grieve the loss of James, but you need to grieve the loss of that as well, the loss of that sense of safety must be immense," Golden told her.

"Well, I'll do that," Natasha told her, again trying to project a strong and untouchable demeanor. "But I'll do it in private," she told Emily. "I don't want Steve to know about any of this. Understand? This is mine… and I'm not going to muddy the waters he has to wade through with this in addition to everything else going on. Understand?" she asked, but Emily got the distinct impression that it was a statement more than a request.

"Of course," Dr. Golden agreed. "It's not my place to share what you tell me with others. This is definitely within the boundaries of doctor/patient confidentiality. Of that, you can be assured."

"Thank you," Natasha replied and Emily gave her a nod and smiled.

"Why don't we go get something to eat?" Emily suggested.

Natasha thought about it for a second and realized then that she was, in fact, hungry. She nodded and stood up, sweeping her hands over her hair and under her eyes to make sure she looked presentable. They headed up to the common area to give themselves a much needed break from the infirmary.

Sam had taken a long walk around the grounds after the group left Steve and the doctors in the infirmary with Barnes who appeared to have broken through the Winter Soldier programming. He returned in time to have lunch with the others before Vision and Wanda excused themselves to go off to do whatever it is they do together. Tony left the common area not long after, mumbling about a blueprint or diagram that needed going over. Natasha and Dr. Golden arrived to have their late lunch and chose a table off by itself, giving a clear signal not to be interrupted.

That left Sam with one alternative. He joined Clint in the sitting area and dropped down on the opposite end of the couch to watch him play whatever video game he was playing to pass the time. Unfortunately the action on the screen held his attention for only about twenty minutes so he grabbed a magazine from the rack beside him and began flipping through it, but his thoughts kept going back to the issues his teammate was dealing with downstairs.

There was a part of him that still wanted little or nothing to do with the Winter Soldier as the very sight of the man caused him his own psychological turmoil. It wasn't an easy thing to shake; that whole sensation of falling from the sky knowing his ability to fly had been destroyed. That sensation along with certainty that his parachute hadn't opened fully enough to save him was still vivid and took his breath away even two years after the event, but -

He'd been taken by surprise during the incident in the bathroom. Then he'd had the chance to witness the confusion and anguish that the Soldier… or Soldat… had to contend with due to the repeated traumas they had endured. Having seen it for himself; not just the mental confusion, but the absolute terror he – they – displayed during that abreaction event… to actually witness the moments of outright horror being re-enacted in front of them just drove it all home for Sam.

He had to admit that those experiences forced him to see very clearly that the Soldier was a true victim of circumstance and not a willing participant. Soldat had driven that fact home with his gentle and fearful demeanor, showing the team the level to which Barnes had been broken down before Hydra was able to build him back up into something else; something not of his choosing.

Now, it appeared they had witnessed the emergence of Sgt. Barnes. Sam's thoughts replayed that moment over and over again; watching Steve in the ring sparring with the Winter Soldier and seeing him react to Steve's words with surprise and confusion. Sam had observed the entire thing as Dr. Golden urged Steve to repeat phrases that Barnes would know, hoping to pull him further to the forefront. They all clearly saw that Steve's words – his voice perhaps – had triggered memories that Barnes had been able to latch onto, helping him to push through the Winter Soldier programming. When he did push his way out Sam and the team found themselves facing a new version of Barnes… the original.

Sam kept thinking about how Barnes had presented when he finally broke through; visibly shaken to his core, completely confused and in shock as he tried to figure out where he was, who was there with him and trying to figure out if all that he was seeing and hearing was real or not. Sam couldn't imagine the mental anguish of being unable to ascertain whether or not what you're experiencing is real or a hallucination. The expression on Barnes' face as he tried to make sense of the fact that Steve Rogers was actually standing in front of him, talking to him had been a heartbreaking sight if Sam had to be honest. By his own words, Sgt. Barnes had been given to believe that Steve was dead.

He realized that for seventy years, the entire world did believe Captain America had perished in that plane crash; so why would it be any different for Sgt. Barnes? Hydra had probably taken advantage of the media event to shove that fact in his face in order to take away any hope he might have been holding onto for rescue. Until two years ago, Steve had believed his best friend had died falling from a train in Eastern Europe seventy years before… and seventy years ago James Barnes had been told his friend, Steve Rogers, was dead.

Sam knew all too well what it felt like to watch a friend fall in the line of duty; it was a wound that cut you to the bone. It was a dark cloud that followed you every day after for the rest of your life. He couldn't imagine how it would feel to suddenly come face to face with Reilly, after so many years of believing he'd perished in the line of duty. It would feel impossible. It would be… shocking. He took a deep breath, suddenly realizing the full extent of Steve's grief and personal anguish – first believing his friend had died because he couldn't save him and then to find out his friend had actually survived and had gone through seventy years of brutal torture… because he'd been unable to save him.

'Oh God' He suddenly felt like the worst friend in the world for all his negative comments to Steve with regard to the Soldier's very existence and his strong and continued resistance when faced with the team's plans to attempt to recover Barnes.

Several hours passed as he sat beside Barton who was in the throes of annihilating the bad guys on the screen. Now and again he'd bounce in his seat as if he was going to actually stand up, but didn't. He'd shout at the TV monitor causing Sam to look up at the screen in curiosity and then he'd sigh and turn the page of the magazine he wasn't actually focused on.

Looking up at the clock Sam made a decision. He closed the magazine he'd only been half interested in and tossed it back into the rack between the couch and the chair to his right. Clint glanced over at him and calmed himself long enough to hit the pause button on the controller to stop the action on the screen and gave Sam his attention.

"You all right, man?" Clint asked him.

Sam sighed and looked at him. "I hate just sitting here not knowing what's going on downstairs."

"Well," Clint paused, "no news is good news, right?"

"Mmm," Sam hummed, seemingly not convinced. "I'm going to go downstairs and check in. If they don't need me, great," he said, standing up. Clint leaned back to give him space to slip past him. "You want to come?"

"Nah," Clint answered, bringing his game back online. "Call me if you need me though."

"You got it," he replied and exited the room.

Sam stepped off the elevator and turned left heading toward the Soldier's room. He noted how quiet it was and hoped that was a good sign. He stepped up to the doorway and looked inside. Banner was sitting at his desk in the corner fully focused on his tablet and Steve was rubbing his hands roughly over his face as if trying to keep himself awake.

He decided to enter the room and did so quietly. Dr. Banner looked up at him and offered a smile before turning back to his computer. Sam gave him a nod and then looked at the man on the bed. He was out cold, but Sam couldn't tell if he was sleeping or unconscious. He stopped beside Steve's chair and dropped a gentle hand onto his friend's shoulder. Steve looked up at him, slightly surprised as he hadn't heard him enter.

"Hey… Sam," Steve greeted him quietly.

Sam gave him a nod and looked at Barnes. "How's he doing?"

"Well… he's sleeping," Steve replied. He didn't know how he was doing or how he'd be when he awoke.

Sam considered the sleeping man and then patted Steve's shoulder. "Why don't you go get some lunch? Maybe a shower and change of clothes," he suggested as Steve was still wearing the same clothes he'd had on in the gym. He'd donned a tee shirt again but was still barefoot as his socks and boots were still under the ring where he'd left them.

"That all sounds good, but I think I need to be here when he wakes up," Steve answered.

"What if that's not for another five hours?" Sam asked, "- or ten? You can't just sit here hour after hour, day after day, just waiting. Go. Take care of yourself and come back. I'll be here if he wakes up," Sam told him.

Steve looked up at him with a confused expression and a small grin. "You?"

"Yeah, me," Sam replied. "I'll stay with him until you're done taking care of all of your needs. Hear me? I'm serious, man. Don't come back down here until you're completely done with taking care of you. I got this."

Bruce turned to look at Steve over his shoulder and smiled. Steve couldn't help but smile too then he shrugged. "Okaaay… if you're sure," he said.

Sam nodded and gave his arm a half-hearted push. "Go on. Get out of here for a while. I got this. You trust me, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course I trust you," Steve said, standing up. "Okay, if you're sure you're sure."

"I am. Go," Sam told him, shooing him away as he moved to the opposite side of the bed to take his seat in the chair he'd left there.

Bruce watched Steve leave the room; pausing a moment at the door to take a last look at Barnes and seeing Sam settle into the chair facing him. Then Banner turned and looked at Sam now sitting directly behind him and wondered if Sam Wilson realized that he shared a trait with the Winter Soldier… always sitting with his back to the wall, facing the door… at least whenever it was possible for him to do so. Old habits die hard, he figured. He went back to his report as Sam kept watch over Barnes.

Steve went down to the gym to collect his boots before heading upstairs to get a shower and change before going to the common room. When he walked in to the assembly room his attention was immediately drawn to Clint in the sitting area where loud explosions and gun fire emanated from the video game he was playing.

Another loud explosion and the game's sound effects announcing his defeat made Barton fall back on the couch with a loud exclamation of disappointment. Steve had to smile at his antics as he was a much cooler cucumber in the midst of real battle.

Clint made a motion as if he was going to throw the controller during his dramatics but thought better of it. Steve chuckled and headed to the kitchen. On his way there he noticed Natasha and Emily sitting near the windows. He flipped them a wave and Emily smiled at him. He did a double take when Natasha quickly looked away after seeing him there but he let it go. She was allowed to have her off days too; this entire situation probably wasn't any easier for her than it was for him he figured.

He made a tuna sandwich with lettuce and tomato then chose a cold drink from the fridge before finding a seat at a table near the windows on the opposite side of the room away from the women. He didn't want to intrude as it looked like Nat was having a private discussion with the resident psychologist. He ate his lunch slowly, almost distractedly, as his unfocused gaze swept the grounds outside. His thoughts were a thousand miles away and he realized he did need this time to be alone with his own thoughts.

Steve had been gone about half an hour. Sam rubbed a finger into his eye and yawned. He realized only now how exhausted he felt and tilted his head to the right and then the left, stretching the muscles in his neck. He raised his arms straight up over his head and arched his back to get the kinks out. As he relaxed again he let out a loud breath. "Aah."

Banner turned to look at him over the top of his wire rimmed glasses and smiled. "If you need a break, I can watch him."

Sam looked over at Bruce and shook his head. "No, man, I'm fine. Just not used to sitting around. It just made me realize how drained I feel."

"Yeah," Bruce replied. "It's taking a toll on everyone. That's why we have to be diligent in making sure Steve rests and takes breaks. Not just for his physical well-being, but for his own mental state. We're all feeling the effects… can you imagine how absolutely exhausted Steve is? He's stubborn though."

"Yeah, well," Sam said, thoughtfully, "I can only imagine what he's going through."

"Well, it was nice of you to offer to stand in for him so he could take care of his own needs."

"Thanks," Sam replied sincerely. "I could have been a better friend from the start though."

Bruce shrugged, remembering Sam's side of the argument as to whether the team should take on this mission. "You voiced your opinion… and you could have been right, you know," Bruce told him.

"But I wasn't," Sam replied. He leaned forward in the chair, lowering his head and lacing his fingers together.

"Hindsight is always twenty–twenty, Sam," Bruce told him. He watched Sam for a moment wishing he could offer more words when movement on the bed drew his attention. He watched as Barnes' head lifted slightly and then rolled to the left. It appeared he was beginning to waken. "Sam," Bruce said to get his attention and when Wilson looked at him he simply nodded toward his patient.

Sam looked at Barnes as his head fell slowly forward. His head lolled around as if he was trying to lift it but didn't have the strength to do so. They watched him silently, not wanting to cause him a fright and allowed him a few moments to come around. His eyelids would open slightly and Sam could see his eyes rolling around as if he was too exhausted to keep them open or to focus them. He also noted that his breathing seemed labored as if it took all his strength to just take in air and let it out again. A moment later he tried again to lift his head and it fell back against the raised mattress. He stayed like that for a few seconds and then tried to lift his head again and it dropped forward. It was quite evident that he didn't have the strength to hold his head upright. As he sat there with his chin nearly touching his chest, saliva drooled from his mouth.

"Doc?" Sam said, but Bruce had been watching and was already on the move as soon as he realized his patient lacked the ability to swallow. Sam grabbed a towel from the closet behind the bed and wiped the drool from Barnes' chest and then wiped at his mouth.

"Okay, we got it. We're good," he said, as if reassuring Barnes that he was being tended to.

Feeling the cloth pressed against his mouth, Barnes pulled his head back away from it and moaned in protest. His mind was telling him that they were trying to suffocate him or were attempting to water board him again.

"It's okay," Sam told him. "You're okay. We're here to help you," Sam tried to reassure him then directed his next words to Banner. "Can he hear me?"

"I don't know," Bruce told him. "Keep talking to him. If he can hear you he can try to focus on your voice." Sam nodded.

"Hey, can you hear me? Can you hear my voice?" He watched as Barnes tried again to open his eyes. It appeared to Sam that he was searching for him, trying to follow the sound of his voice. "I'm right here, right next to you. My name is Sam… you're Bucky, right?"

Bucky's head rolled toward him, seeking him out. His eyes opened and stayed open but were unfocused and he looked exhausted and strung out. His chest rose drastically each time he took a breath, giving the impression that he was having difficulty getting air. Sam watched him, concerned. Bruce had also made that determination and was already reaching for the oxygen mask and turning the valve on the wall behind the bed. The hissing sound let them know that it was flowing. Bruce pulled the elastic band away from the mask and draped it over Bucky's head as he placed the mask over his mouth and nose.

Even before the oxygen mask was settled properly on his face, Barnes balked at it. He snapped his head to the left and his right arm came up flailing weakly as if trying to push him away. He groaned loudly in protest and his entire body tensed as if he wanted to flee but was too weak to do so.

"Okay, okay," Bruce told him, pulling the mask away quickly.

Barnes was trying to lean as far away from Bruce as he could get, tucking his head to keep his face out of reach and his right arm was raised and bent horizontally as if attempting to fend off an attack. Sam pressed his hands against Bucky's chest and left arm trying to keep him from falling over the bed rail.

"It's okay. It's okay," he told him. "You don't need to wear the mask," Sam assured him.

"Oh geez," Bruce exclaimed softly, realizing what the issue was. "Here," he said, reaching around behind Barnes to offer the mask to Sam. "Just hold it up near his face so he can get the oxygen on blow by."

Sam took it from him and with Banner pulling Barnes' shoulders toward him, Sam pushed him gently away and they were able to get him centered on the bed again. Sam held the mask near his face so he could get the oxygen assist as Bruce took out a nasal cannula and tubing. Once he had it connected he slowly put the nozzles of the cannula under Barnes' nose and tried to hook the loops over his ears.

As he tucked the loops over his ears, the connected tubing pulled the nozzles up into Bucky's nostrils and he panicked at the sensation. He didn't know what they were doing to him; but he didn't want to be locked into the mask again and he didn't know what was invading his nasal passages. With a burst of energy that he didn't really have he flung his right arm up between him and the invading force. He yelled out and his head swung back and forth heavily, without the strength to control it.

Bruce pulled the equipment away so he didn't get himself tangled up in the tubing and let out a breath. This was not going to be easy. Barnes started to cough and gag as the sudden activity added to his respiratory distress.

"Okay, okay, we're not going to use that." Banner relinquished any further attempts to apply oxygen directly to his patient's face. "You're going to have to hold it there, Sam," he told Wilson.

Sam nodded, already holding the blow-by mask inches from Bucky's face, being careful not to let it touch him while holding it as close as he could. As Barnes tried to look around to get his bearings, Sam watched him. He was gaining a little strength as he was now holding his head up off the bed. It was leaning to the side toward Sam and he wasn't sure if he was listing toward him searching for the oxygen, trying to find safety with him, or if it was just because he wasn't strong enough to hold it straight up.

"We should get Steve down here," Sam suggested.

"Steve," Barnes whispered softly and Sam looked at him. His eyes were unfocused and directed in the space between them but downward toward the floor. Sam had spent many hours at the VA hospital reading to soldiers who were in a catatonic state or suffering with the effects of traumatic brain injury. He'd seen this very behavior many times before. He looked up at Dr. Banner. "We need him to be here. Can you go get him?"

Bruce thought about calling him on the radio but realized that if he asked Steve to return to the infirmary, no matter how calm or gently he asked, Steve would most likely panic and race down here. He needed to let Steve know his friend was awake and in what condition before he came back. "I'll be back shortly. Call me if you need me."

Sam nodded and Bruce left him with Sgt. Barnes. Sam studied Bucky's face and then reached up, moving slowly so as not to startle him. He swept the long strands of hair from his face and pushed it back behind his shoulder. Barnes turned his head, as if trying to figure out who was touching him. Sam watched him closely; a little concerned by what he was seeing. Bucky's head moved back and forth in short movements as if he was unable to hold it still. It reminded Sam of his grandfather who suffered from Parkinson's before his death. He had been unable to keep his head or body completely still much the same way Barnes was presenting. Bucky's muscles were twitching; causing his arms or legs to jump and his eyes stared blankly in front of him, as if focused on something that was invisible to Sam. If he hadn't known better he would have thought Barnes was blind by the way his head turned to track sounds but his eyes didn't, or couldn't, focus.

Bruce stepped off the elevator and entered the common area pressing his hands together in front of him. His mouth worked itself as if he was mouthing his thoughts or talking to himself which was a clear tell to his teammates that he was unsure of something important.

Steve caught movement in his peripheral vision as he took a bite of his sandwich. He glanced toward the person who'd just entered and did a double take when he saw it was Bruce. He looked nervous, nearly wringing his hands as he scanned the large room. When he saw Steve he straightened with a nod and turned to walk directly toward him. Steve sat up straight and dropped the remnants of his sandwich onto the plate. He chewed fast and swallowed as Bruce stopped next to his table. He stared at Banner with a very concerned look on his face.

"Bruce… what is it?"

"Barnes is awake."

That was as far as Banner got. Steve scrambled up from the table and headed out with a quick stride. Bruce sighed and spun on his heel, moving quickly to try to catch Steve at the elevator.

Emily saw the commotion over Nat's shoulder and watched as Steve rose suddenly and headed out with a determined stride. Nat saw Emily's eyes tracking movement behind her and she turned to look over her shoulder. They watched Steve and Bruce leaving quickly and Nat turned back around. She and Dr. Golden just looked at each.