Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Chapter 45
Title: No Black Flowers
Summary: Steve spends quality time with Bucky helping him to complete some of the tasks Dr. Golden suggested to help his focus and concentration. As they work on visual and physical therapy Steve is reminded of his friend's inner strength, courage and fortitude.
"Tonight then," Steve nodded and turned his full attention back to Bucky. He laid his hand on his friend's shoulder and the contact caused Barnes to lift his head in response. Steve gave the shoulder a light squeeze and it caused Bucky to flash another smile as he realized whose hand was on him without having to look.
"Steve," Bucky said softly, making Steve smile.
"Hey, pal," Steve said and Bucky attempted to turn his head to face him. "I want to explain to you what we're going to do later. Okay?"
Bucky was finally able to turn toward Steve. He looked tired, Steve noted, but he worked to get his eyes to focus without Rogers having to prompt him to do it. Steve smiled softly at his friend; despite everything he was going through even now, Barnes still managed to smile for him, however fleeting it was.
"We're going to… umm," Steve paused, trying to decide the best way to explain.
He looked at Bucky and wondered if he would even understand what he was saying. It was difficult to believe that in his present condition Barnes could comprehend anything being said. The jerky movements, the unfocused gaze and dull expression lent him to believe Bucky was in a compromised mental state and wouldn't understand what he was talking about, but Steve felt it was only right to try to inform his friend of their plans.
"We need to see what's going on… inside your head," Steve began and paused as a sudden spasm caused Barnes to turn away for a moment, but he turned back to look at Steve. "The docs… they want to take pictures of your brain, to see what injuries you might have… injuries that are causing these involuntary movements," he explained. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Buck?"
Bucky's head jerked backward and came forward again and Steve wasn't sure if that was a nod of affirmation or a coincidence.
"I gave the doctors permission to perform the procedure, on your behalf," Steve told him and watched Bucky's eyes slide to look at him. They were focused on his eyes and Steve felt Bucky was indeed listening and aware of what he was saying.
"It's called an MRI… sort of like an x-ray, but it uses magnets to bounce the images instead of a sonogram…" Steve watched Bucky closely as his head fell back and he looked toward the ceiling. He tried to swallow and it took visible effort and then he gasped for air a couple of times before settling again. He dropped his head forward and looked for Steve, when his eyes finally found him and were able to focus on him again Steve continued.
"I gave permission to do the MRI… is that okay with you?" he asked. "Buck, I need to know if you understand and if you're okay with it."
Barnes tried to speak but the only sound that came out was a grunt. Even through the twitching muscles and jerky motions, Steve was sure Bucky had nodded.
"Yeah? You're okay with it?" Steve asked and then added. "They're going to have to sedate you for the procedure," he said and Bucky's eyes flashed back at him for a moment before being pulled away again. "You have to lie still for the machine to get clear pictures and you can't control your muscles right now," Steve told him and it appeared to him that Barnes nodded. "Buck?"
A jolt pulled Bucky's head around to the left and Sam leaned forward to give him someone to focus on. He watched Barnes closely and could see how hard he was working to get his eyes to move where he wanted them and then to focus. When he finally focused on Sam's face, Wilson smiled at him.
"Do you understand what Steve is telling you?" Sam asked him. His shoulders jerked and his head bobbed up and down. Sam glanced at Steve who was watching closely. "Are you okay with that? Is it okay that Steve gave them permission to do the MRI?"
Bucky's head bobbed again through the jerky movements he couldn't control. It became clear to both Steve and Sam that the repeated bobbing motion was not merely coincidence.
Bruce and Emily had remained silent while Wilson and Rogers made their attempts to communicate the team's intentions on his behalf. After Barnes affirmed his own permission for the procedure, Steve looked at them: Emily smiled and Bruce nodded.
"I'll be back shortly," Emily told them and left the room.
There was a silent pause after Dr. Golden exited and then Sam looked at Steve. "I'm going to step out for a little while, if you're good here," he said. "I need to check on something."
"Yeah, sure, Sam," Steve told him. "We're good." He placed his hand lightly over Bucky's forearm and Bucky yawned as if on cue. Steve grinned. "I think he could use a nap anyway."
"I won't be long," Sam assured him and stood up.
"Take your time," Steve told him. "We're not going anywhere." Before he finished speaking, Bucky's eyes closed and didn't open again. Steve watched as his muscles relaxed and then stopped moving completely as he fell into a deep, comfortable sleep.
Forty minutes later Steve's attention was pulled back to Barnes as his legs jumped; a clear sign he was waking up. Within a minute his entire body began its jerky motions and his eyes opened.
"Hey, Buck, how are you doing?" Steve asked and Barnes turned slowly to look at him. His right hand flipped upward and although he didn't close his fist, it was clear to Steve that he'd just gotten a thumbs up sign and he smiled. He wrapped both his hands around Bucky's right one and held it for a moment. "Hey, umm, listen… Dr. Golden brought us some things that we can do together… if you feel up to trying them. They're intended to help you focus and try to control your muscles in order to complete the task. You up to trying one or two?" he asked.
Bucky's head and shoulders jerked but through those involuntary movements Steve clearly saw Barnes nod.
"Okay, great," Steve replied and looked in the box she'd brought down to him. "Umm, let's start with something easy," Steve said and Bruce shot him a look over his shoulder. Bruce stared at him and made him pause and Steve realized he probably shouldn't have used those words. What would normally be an easy task for any one of them probably won't be so easy for Barnes to complete for a while.
"Okay, you want to try to hold this crayon? See if you can try to color in this page." Steve picked up a crayon and a blank coloring page. He turned it over to see what the picture was and showed it to Bucky. "A flower… you want to color the flower?"
Bucky looked at it and then looked at Steve and the corners of his mouth lifted as if he found that amusing.
"Yeah? No?" Steve asked and Bucky nodded. "Okay," he replied and lifted a lap board out of the box. It was just a board with a cushion attached to one side so it was comfortable to set on your lap to eat or write or draw. Steve flipped it over and set it on Bucky's lap, pulling his right hand out from under it. He placed the coloring page on top of the table and held out the crayon for Bucky to take.
Barnes looked at the crayon and his expression scrunched up for a quick second. Steve thought it was because he couldn't reach for it so he put the crayon closer to Bucky's hand resting on the bed.
"Can you reach out to take the crayon?" he asked.
Bucky's body jerked and twitched so much Steve couldn't see him being able to do it, at least not for a while. He was surprised when Bucky stretched his fingers out just enough to snatch the crayon from Steve's hand.
"Great job! You did it!" Steve cheered his victory then Bucky raised his hand and threw the crayon. It landed in the box from which it came. Steve looked down at it in surprise and then back at Bucky with his mouth open. Bucky looked at him and flashed a smile and Steve looked at him confused. When Barnes pinned his gaze and let out a soft chuckle; just a brief, soft sound that ended far too quickly for Rogers, Steve had to smile. "Why'd you throw it? Did you mean to do that?" Steve asked and Bucky nodded.
Steve bent down to pick up the crayon and as he handed it back to Bucky he noticed the crayon was black. "Oh," Steve said and looked at his friend. "Not black… right?" he asked. He watched Barnes closely and even as his head jerked involuntarily and his shoulders and body twitched sometimes violently, he was certain he saw Bucky move his head to say "no". So Steve dropped the black crayon back into the box, muttering, "Yeah, we don't want a black flower." He found a red and a green and held them out for Barnes to take. "Are these better?" he asked.
Bucky nodded and raised his arm to try to aim his hand for the crayons Steve held in front of him. It was an agonizing few minutes for Steve as he tried not to push or prod. He knew Bucky was giving it everything he had so he remained patient. A few times he came really close to them before a sudden spasm jerked his arm away.
Bruce had been watching from his chair near the foot of the bed. When Barnes threw the crayon and laughed softly at the look on Steve's face Bruce couldn't help but smile. He kept watch, remaining silent as Barnes worked to try to take the crayon, but after a few minutes he'd tire and Dr. Banner made a suggestion.
"Steve, start small," he instructed. "Put it down near his hand like you did before. Shorten the distance," he suggested.
Steve nodded and rested his hand on the bed close to where Bucky's hand lay. It took him a couple of attempts to pull his head around to look down at it and when he found it he stretched out his fingers and tapped the crayon. Steve held it steady and a moment later Bucky's hand was wrapped around his hand and the crayon. He didn't have the fine motor control to target only the crayon.
"You got it," Steve told him smiling. "Good job," he praised his friend and then adjusted his hand, pulling it from Bucky's and leaving only the crayon in his grip. "There you go. You got it now. Can you bring it up to the paper?"
As Bucky raised his hand toward the paper a spasm jerked his arm and he lost his grip on the crayon and it landed on the blanket.
"Okay, that's okay," Steve told him. "You did good… first time out. You impress me, pal… but you always have," he told Barnes and wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky's neck, leaning forward to touch foreheads. Steve rested there, sharing the moment with his friend. He stayed attentive to the fact that Bucky's movements might cause them to slam their heads together which made Steve aware of the fact that the spasms eased considerably as they were touching. It was as if their physical connection eased Bucky's symptoms. That fact hadn't escaped Dr. Banner's notice either. Half a minute later Steve sat back and removed his hand. "Do you want to try again?" he asked.
Barnes looked at him and nodded. Steve picked up the red crayon and placed it in Bucky's hand. "There you go," Steve told him and carefully moved his arm up to rest on the lap table so his hand was over the paper. "There, I cheated a little bit," Steve told him and Bucky's eyes slid to look at him. "I know, that's so unlike me."
Bucky just looked at him and a smile appeared briefly then Steve heard two soft sounds as Barnes pushed air out with a bit of force and he realized Bucky was attempting to laugh at his comment. The sounds made Steve's heart skip a beat. Barnes knew all too well just how much of a rebel his best friend truly was.
Back in the day, everyone treated Captain America like he was the second coming of the Messiah himself, but Bucky knew better; he knew the truth about Steve Rogers. No one knew Steven Grant Rogers better than Bucky Barnes.
Steve cupped Bucky's elbow with his left hand to aid him in holding his arm in place as he concentrated on moving the crayon onto the paper. His fingers were clenched around the colored waxy stick as he held it an inch or so over the paper. Steve felt the surge of determination under his hand as Barnes put everything he had into pushing his arm forward and pressing the crayon downward to make a mark on the flower. It was all he could do; one swipe of the red crayon almost centered in the flower. It looked like a lazy "U" as the curve was wider than it was tall.
Steve looked at the mark and then back at Bucky's face to see he was still completely focused on the task. Steve looked back down at the paper as Barnes stabbed the crayon into the paper twice and then breathed out what sounded like another laugh as he made two dots above the curved line. Steve's brow furrowed as he looked at the marks and realized the two dots looked like eyes on what now appeared to be a smiley face.
Steve turned to look at his friend and Barnes lifted his head and his eyes followed a second later. There was a sparkle in Bucky's eyes as he looked over at Steve. Steve watched as the corners of Bucky's mouth quirked into a quick smile and realized he did that on purpose. The scratched mark had been created by an uncontrolled spasm but wasn't it just like Barnes to never see the downfalls and, even in his compromised state he had the personal will and inner strength to turn that ragged mark into a smiley face… just to see Steve smile.
Steve stared at Bucky for a moment and a smile spread across his face. Seeing Steve smiling made Bucky smile too and he was able to hold it this time for more than a few seconds. Steve reached out; wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky's neck again and stared at him closely for a moment. "My God… Buck," he said, "you amaze me. You always have. I love you… so much."
Bucky raised his hand clenched around the crayon. It wavered a bit before he was able to tap it against his chest. His body still twitched and jumped with spasms as he raised his other hand and tried to cross them over his chest and then jabbed his right hand in Steve's direction.
Steve didn't know a lot of sign language but those moves were known universally to nearly everyone. Barnes had signed, I love you too.
Sam spent about half an hour searching all the rooms and places Natasha liked to frequent. When he didn't find her in any of the usual places he decided to see if she was in her apartment. She had seemed to be really upset at the sight of Barnes' condition and he knew they had a history. He just wanted to be sure she was all right.
He knocked on her door, not really expecting a response. He was a little surprised when he heard the door unlocking from inside. He waited patiently as it opened slowly and Nat's face appeared. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were red; clearly she'd been crying.
"Hey, Nat," Sam greeted her.
Natasha paused momentarily before opening the door wider. She dropped her head, still unsure if she really wanted company but suddenly feeling an internal need to seek out comfort.
"Are you all right?" Sam asked. "You left in a hurry."
Natasha thought about how to answer. She nodded and took a deep breath in order to steady her voice. "I'm fine. I was just… taken by surprise. I didn't expect he would be –." She didn't know how to finish that thought.
"I know," Sam assured her. "It surprised us all. Dr. Golden thinks – hopes - that he'll recover," he told her. "Banner's going to take images tonight… MRI -."
Natasha looked up at him with a concerned expression. "He can't go into a machine like that."
"Bruce has a lead apron he's going to drape over the arm," Sam told her.
"He'll be traumatized," she told him quietly.
"They're going to sedate him –."
"Again?"
"Same thing Steve said," he told her. "He can't control his movements so he has to be sedated in order to lie still for the pictures. It'll also keep him from feeling anxious or scared and Steve will be with him too," he told her and shrugged. "We explained it to him and he agreed to the procedure."
"He did?" Natasha asked, as if that knowledge raised her spirits a little.
"Yeah, he did," Sam assured her.
There was a stretch of silence between them as Sam thought about how to proceed. Nat lowered her head as she tried to figure out whether or not she should ask him to stay.
"Look, I know you're a private person," he told her, "but I also know how hard this whole situation has been on everyone. You knew him a long time ago too," Sam mentioned and Nat looked up at him. "It may not have been Barnes, but you knew him… some part of him, right? This can't be easy on you either," he said. "And from the looks of it, you're trying to deal with your feelings alone… and that's just not a good way to do it, especially when you have a whole family of friends around you who care about you and what you're going through."
Nat gave him a small smile and stepped back, allowing the door to open wider so he could enter.
Sam gave her a smile and a nod as he stepped inside and Nat closed the door gently behind him.
"This one is going to need a little more finesse than the last two," Steve said, holding a yellow, star-shaped block in front of Bucky and waited for him to be able to take it from his hand. When Bucky's hand wrapped around the large wooden block, Steve let go of it and tilted the box toward him so he could see the cutouts in the lid. He'd already successfully pushed a red circle and a green square through the correctly shaped holes.
Steve watched as Barnes searched for the star-shaped cutout. As his eyes scanned the lid, Steve could hear soft grunts coming from him as his abdominal muscles constricted sharply and forced air from his lungs. He waited patiently for Bucky to make his attempt and decided this would be the last one for today. The constant muscle spasms seemed to wear down his energy quickly and Steve could see he was getting weary.
When Steve saw Barnes focusing in on the correct cutout he adjusted the position of the box so it was within his reach. It took Barnes a moment to find it again in order to focus on it after Steve switched its position. "There you go," he said, encouraging him to give it a try.
Bucky's mouth dropped open with a loud smack and his tongue appeared as if he was trying to lick his lips. Steve realized he was probably thirsty and reached for a bottle of water on the tray table nearby.
"Uh, no," Bruce interjected and stood up. "Not water," he said and Steve looked at him.
"He's thirsty," Steve told him.
"I know," Bruce replied, "but he's clearly having issues stemming from dysphagia."
"What is that?" Steve asked.
"Difficulty in swallowing," Bruce told him. "The action of swallowing is a complex muscle movement that he doesn't have control of right now. If you give him water he might aspirate it before being able to swallow it."
"Can I just wet his lips?" Steve asked.
"Sure," Bruce said, "just be careful he doesn't take in a mouthful. Actually I have a better idea." Steve looked confused as Bruce disappeared into the bathroom.
When Bruce returned with a clean washcloth, he put his hand out for the water bottle and Steve handed it to him. He poured water onto the cloth to saturate it and then put the cloth against Bucky's mouth.
Barnes felt the cool liquid against his lip and he clamped his mouth down on it, sucking the water out of the cloth. Bruce held it there until Barnes opened his mouth to release it and looked up at him.
"More?" Bruce asked him and Bucky nodded. Bruce repeated the action three more times while Steve watched.
When Bucky turned his focus back to the box lid Bruce handed the cloth and bottle of water to Steve. "I'm going to go upstairs and prepare him a meal he can swallow. He must be getting hungry by now."
"Okay. Thanks, Bruce," Steve acknowledge, placing the bottle and cloth together on the table tray with one hand as he held the box in position with his other.
Bucky almost dropped the star but was able to catch it before he lost it. Steve noticed the quick reflex action but didn't say anything. He focused instead on Bucky's shaky hand closing in on the star-shaped cutout. When he reached it, he tried to push the shape through but the points of the star weren't lined up. Steve reached for it to try to help and Bucky forcibly grunted at him; making it clear he didn't want the assistance.
He pressed the star against the proper hole and twisted his wrist just enough to line it up and it dropped into the box with a loud thud. Steve smiled at him and Bucky raised his eyes to search for him. His skin had paled noticeably leaving darker circles under his eyes.
"That's enough for today," Steve told him. He removed the box lid and dropped the other blocks into it before placing the whole thing on the floor. "You want some more water?"
Bucky nodded.
Steve poured the water onto the cloth and placed it against his open mouth. Bucky clamped his lips around it and sucked the liquid from it. Steve felt bad for him as he watched every little action sapped more of his strength.
"You did a great job today," Steve told him and Bucky's mouth opened with a smack. Steve poured more water onto it and put it back in his mouth. As he sucked on the wet cloth his eyes slowly closed. His head fell forward slightly, stopped only by Steve's hand holding the wash cloth. He wiggled the cloth back and forth trying to get Bucky to let go of it. As his sleep deepened, his muscles relaxed and the cloth slipped from his mouth.
Steve put the wet cloth on the tray table and looked at the bottle in his hand. It was nearly empty so he chugged down the few swallows left in the bottle and tossed it into a receptacle near Bruce's desk.
He turned his attention back to Bucky. He reached over to sweep a lock of hair from his face, tucking it behind his ear and then pressed the back of his fingers to Bucky's cheek. He was pale but his skin temperature felt normal. Before he could pull his hand away, Bucky leaned heavily into it and Steve kept his hand there allowing his friend the comfort of his touch.