Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier

Chapter 54: "You never know the value of a moment… until it becomes a memory."

Summary:

Dr. Golden helps Steve work through his emotions at what he'd just experienced after watching the projected interrogation of the Hydra scientist, Dr. von Stucker. Strucker had personally been in charge of the Winter Soldier's torture and conditioning for nearly two decades.

This is a short chapter but I felt we needed this one in order to move away from the intensity of the last one. I hope you like it. - W6C

Notes:

Notes: This chapter is dedicated to Melles1276 for your support and wonderful comments and feedback. – W6C

Dr. Golden followed Steve as he quickly exited Tony's lab. Having to witness the pure lack of compassion or empathy with which the Hydra scientist spoke about the abuses he had personally perpetrated against Sgt. Barnes for nearly two decades, she was sure had taken an emotional and psychological toll on Captain Rogers. He was moving quickly and without direction, like a runaway train and once she'd made it to the exit door, she had to run to catch up to him.

"Captain," She called to him as she closed the distance between them, hoping he'd stop. He didn't. "Captain Rogers!" he continued walking as if trying to outrun his anger and guilt. "Steve! STEVEN!" she shouted and he suddenly stopped, allowing her to slow down and catch her breath. He remained standing where he'd stopped with his back to her as she came up alongside him. "Steve, please," she said, touching his arm lightly to try to ground him. His expression was full of rage and sorrow and he covered his face with both hands as she studied him closely. "Steve, I want you to take a breath, okay?" she said. He was pressing his hands firmly to his face and it appeared he was holding his breath; most likely trying to keep his rage and grief from exploding. "Steve…. I need you to take a slow, deep breath. Please."

He remained still but drew in a long, shaky breath and let it out. He began panting for air as if he'd just run the length of the property. He dropped his hands and rested them on his hips as he concentrated on slowing his breathing.

"I need you to calm down," she told him, keeping her tone soft and quiet. "Okay?" she asked and he nodded. "Let's sit down," she suggested and scanned the area for a garden bench. Steve simply dropped to the ground and crossed his legs as he stared out over the manicured grounds. Emily nodded and sat down nearby. She kept a comfortable arm's length between them to allow him his space and she positioned herself so she wasn't directly in front of him, but off to the side facing him so she could give him her full attention.

"That man," he said. Emily waited patiently, knowing he needed to sort out his thoughts in order to express them. Steve shook his head. "I don't even know where to begin," he told her. "The arrogance, the….," he was lost for words. Emily watched him as he followed his thoughts. "The… lack of humanity…," he said, still searching for the words. "He refused to even consider Bucky as a human being."

"Yes," Emily replied.

"No regard for him whatsoever as a person."

"No. None," she said, letting him know that she agreed with his statement.

"He was proud of what he did… he was bragging about it," Steve said. "I don't understand how any human being can be so blatantly cruel to another like that and just absolutely not care!"

"He's a narcissist, Steve," Emily told him. "His is a clear case of narcissistic personality disorder. A diagnosis of NPD often doesn't take long, as in this case… we look to identify a clear pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, along with a total lack of empathy or consideration for others. His excessive need for admiration for his accomplishments is also clearly evident. Narcissists are cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, often cruel and quite demanding. They are quite often abusive to those around them… family, friends, co-workers…" She paused when Steve looked at her. "They are extremely resistant to changing their behavior and they do not take criticism well at all. They see themselves as flawless and if they are ever expected to take responsibility for their actions or misdeeds they immediately turn the blame onto someone else… usually, their victim. They don't believe they are ever at fault or responsible for their behavior or mistakes. They will never admit failure but will take all the credit for any successes if it gains them the admiration of their peers and respect from those who expect great things from them."

"You mean, he abused Bucky for seventeen years and, what?- - blamed him for his own torture?"

"Most likely, at some point," she told him. "Perhaps not every single day or even at every torture session, but having seen Soldat's behavior… how terrified he was of everything and everyone around him…," she paused as Steve looked at her. "Soldat's fearful, beaten down behavior is indicative of such an abuser. He would have blamed Soldat for his own beatings… it's clear that he is a persona that that suffers from what we call "learned helplessness". He was created by using negative re-enforcement for what they consider to be poor behavior instead of positive re-enforcement for good behavior. I'm sure von Strucker wasn't the only person involved with the Winter Soldier project that displayed this disorder. To be honest, in order for someone to even be involved in such heinous activity they would have to have a total lack of empathy for their victim; it would actually be considered a requirement, otherwise they would never be successful in their assigned task." She could see that he was rolling over in his mind everything she just told him and waited for Steve to look at her. When he did, she told him, "James never stood a chance."

"Will he remember?" Steve asked. Emily looked at him as if not understanding the question. "Is Bucky going to remember that man… and everything that was done to him? Will he ever remember it?"

"It's hard to say for sure," she told him. "I think, in time… his mind is going to start dropping hints… if it hasn't started already. He may remember now and simply hasn't mentioned it yet… maybe some of it, maybe most of it. He may have a strong sensation that something really bad happened to him, but he's not sure if his feelings are valid or just his imagination. He's going to need us to validate those feelings, whatever they may be at any moment. He most likely will start to remember on his own and, as I've mentioned before… nightmares and flashbacks, abreactions… invasive memory recall and memory fragments… some of these or all of them. He's going to need us to help him through those moments. But not only will he be in need of our assistance to guide him through those moments, he's going to need you to let him know he's safe. He'll need reassurance that he's in a controlled environment and it's safe for him to experience whatever happens. That you're going to keep him safe."

"I can't shake the feeling that this is my fault," he said. "If only I could have stretched another inch… I could have reached him –."

"Steve," Emily said, cutting him off. "There is absolutely nothing you can do about that now. You can never go back and change what has already happened. You can't change the fact that he fell or that you couldn't save him. You can't change the fact that he was found by Hydra and you can't change the fact that he's spent the past seventy-five years being abused and controlled and made to do things he would never have done in his right mind."
Steve nodded thoughtfully; as much as he wanted to blame himself for all of it, he knew she was right.
"But, he's here now, with you… and there is a whole lot you can do for him right now." She paused a moment to let that sink in and he nodded. "Okay?" she asked. Steve nodded and smiled for her, grateful that she was here to guide him. "Okay, let's go back inside. Your friend is waiting."

Steve smiled and got to his feet before offering his hand to Emily. She took it and let him help her to her feet and together, they walked back inside.

The rest of the team had returned to the common area and were spread out around the room engaged in their own activities. Clint was sitting beside Natasha at the table, across from Bucky and Sam had joined them, taking the seat that Steve had pulled up to the end of the table. Bruce was sitting a few tables away from them with Wanda and Vision. Tony and Nick were standing further away from the others having quiet conversation.

When Steve and Emily entered the room, he nodded to Fury and Stark but didn't stop to talk. He walked straight to the table where he'd left Bucky in Nat's care. Natasha and Clint were telling Bucky about the maintenance of the grounds which he found completely fascinating. The grass was a brilliant green and manicured to perfection, the gardens were well in bloom and contained within their designed spaces and even the trees were pruned to maintain their beauty and health. As Clint pointed to one of the gardens, Steve stopped next to Sam and put his hand on his shoulder. Wilson looked up and immediately stood up to give the chair to Steve. He moved to sit beside Clint and Steve took his seat again. He reached over and gently rested his hand on Bucky's shoulder, reaching past the metal attachment. Clint caught the motion in his peripheral vision and looked at him. Steve smiled at his friends, thankful that they were keeping Bucky entertained. His touch caused Barnes to turn away from the window and he returned Steve's smile with one of his own.

"Hey," Steve greeted.

"Hey," Bucky replied.

"What're you guys talking about?"

"It's… re-really… nice here," Bucky told him.

"It is," Steve agreed. Bucky stared at Steve and got quiet. Steve's smile softened as he watched his friend studying his face. "You okay, Buck?" Bucky nodded then yawned. "Tired?' he asked, even though it was obvious that he was. Bucky nodded again.

"A little," he said.

"Do you want to go lie down?" Steve asked. Instead of answering the question Barnes asked his own question.

"Did we… go to school… together?" The question seemed to come out of left field but Steve had to smile with the memories that question conjured up.

"We did. Yes," he told Barnes who nodded. "We've known each other our entire lives."

Bucky thought about that for a moment and then looked at Steve. "That's a… long time."

Steve smiled. "Yes, it is… a very long time."

"You… were smaller," he said, remembering a tiny version of his friend.

"I was, yes… a lot smaller."

"Did you… have a cat?" Bucky asked.

"No, I didn't… you did," Steve told him and Bucky looked deeply thoughtful. "Well, the cat belonged to your family. You lived with your mother and sister."

"Becca," Bucky said, clearly remembering his sister.

"Yes, Rebecca."

"Bucky… and Becca," he said. The others at the table observed him silently as he seemed to be following a memory.

"Yeah," Steve laughed softly.

"Tell me… something else," Bucky said.

Steve smiled and tried to think of something Bucky might remember and numerous events popped into his head. "There's so many," he said.

"Was… was there… a red bicycle?" Bucky asked and Steve looked at him surprised and he couldn't help but smile. That bicycle was such a great memory and he was happy that Bucky could remember it even if he wasn't certain it was real.

"Yeah, there was," Steve told him. "It was yours. You got it for your ninth birthday. The very next day you came to get me right after breakfast and we brought it to the vacant lot two blocks away. You spent the whole morning teaching me how to ride it." Steve glanced at Bucky and saw him nodding. "Do you remember that?" he asked.

Bucky nodded thoughtfully. "I think… I do. I remember the bike… and I… I can see you… riding it." He looked at Steve and gave him a little smile, but Steve could see something happening behind the smile.

"What is it?" he asked. Bucky looked at him and shook his head but Steve could clearly see something was on his mind. "Buck, what is it?" He waited while Barnes seemed to go inside his own head. "Talk to me." He looked tired and Steve had no doubt it must be exhausting the way his body constantly moved involuntarily.

Bucky looked at him with a sorrowful expression. "Why can't… I remember?" he asked and the question brought Steve up short. He hadn't given any thought as to how he was going to explain any of this if they were ever able to recover Barnes. Steve was lost for words as he looked at his friend. Bucky glanced at the others, sitting or standing around the table. He looked at Steve and saw that he was looking at the blonde woman now standing nearby. Bucky looked to each of them and lingered on the redhead – Natasha. The expression on her face told him they all knew why he couldn't remember, but none had told him yet. "What… happened to me?" he asked, still looking at Nat. When she averted her gaze, he looked to Steve again. "Steve?"

Steve thought for a long minute and finally said haltingly, "You were… involved… in a number of incidents that resulted in… traumatic brain injury, and those injuries to your brain… have resulted in some memory loss and possibly amnesia for a better part of your life."

Barnes lowered his gaze as he considered Steve's explanation. He'd always known Steve to be upfront and truthful in his dealings with him. Steve may have tried to pull the wool over the eyes of others when he felt he needed to in order to accomplish a goal, but never with Bucky – as far as he knew. So if Steve was being purposely cryptic, Barnes felt he needed to trust Rogers and his reasons for being so vague.

The other team members waited for Barnes to push the issue and prepared themselves for the expected challenge to Steve's obscure explanation. Instead, Barnes nodded thoughtfully.

"Will I… ever… remember?" he asked.

Steve looked at Dr. Golden and she simply returned his stare. He seemed to be waiting for her to give him a clue as to how he should answer, but she offered the answer instead.

"We don't know yet," she told him. Bucky looked at her then at each person around the table before putting his full attention on Steve.

"We hope so," Steve added still looking at Golden then turning to look him in the eye. "We can't be sure, right now… with the repeated injuries to your head and… the trauma to your brain… we don't know, but we hope so."

"That's why… my balance… is off," Bucky realized. "Why I… can't… speak properly…"

"Yes," Steve replied, "but we hope that you'll recover both in time."

He and Barnes held each others' gaze; Steve waited for Bucky to react, instead he thought about what he was just told. As Dr. Golden watched the two friends, she was awed yet again by how easily they could look so deeply into each other's eyes. In the psychiatric world it was called "soul gazing" and usually she had to prompt her patients to engage in the activity with someone they felt close to and usually after the first few seconds most people became self-conscious and uncomfortable and would avert their eyes. These two friends did it often and without any prompting. It was as if they were communicating silently and privately even when others were around. It was a solid sign of the bond they shared, the trust and the truth they nurtured within that bond was something she'd never before witnessed between two people.

Bucky finally nodded and said, "Yeah… I hope so… too." He turned to look out the window again and everyone remained silent, unsure of what to say and then it was Barnes who broke the silence. "Can we… have pizza?"

Everyone smiled and Steve couldn't help but chuckle. Reaching over he squeezed the back of Bucky's neck which made Barnes smile too. He turned to see that everyone was smiling and he figured it was because everyone liked pizza. Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky's neck to pull him close.

"Yeah," he said, "we can have pizza."

TBC'd