Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier
Chapter 56: The Voices in Your Head
Summary: After a volatile awakening the Soldier had to be sedated to get him under control, now his consciousness floats between two worlds.
Notes: This chapter is dedicated to Ghosty_Satoe for joining us on this rollercoaster journey and for your kind feedback.
Sam and Clint followed Dr. Banner's direction and got the Soldier safely onto the bed and stepped back but stayed close in case he overcame the sedative he was given. His eyes were still open but had become dull and unseeing and he stared blindly into the images inside his own mind as Banner stepped up close to examine his patient.
Dr. Golden entered the room and Sam turned to her. She stopped briefly beside him and rested her hand on his arm as they watched Bruce move around his patient. She patted his arm and flashed a sad smile at Clint before stepping forward to assist, and consult with, Dr. Banner.
We can't move. We try to focus our eyes but they don't react to our commands. We can hear movement around us and voices close by. Hands are touching us, but we feel no pain.
Yet.
~You fought well, Soldat…
It's Karpov's voice.
~ you did very well. You fought hard. You lost, however, so there will be punishment. You understand this?
Yes.
You don't know what the punishment will be, but there is nothing you could do about it now anyway. They injected you again with a substance that makes it impossible to fight back. You can feel their hands upon you. You hate that. The sensation of touch… you hate that more than anything… almost anything. Hands. Hands hurt. Hands cause pain. Hands humiliate you. Hands dehumanize you. You wish they would stop touching you.
~You don't feel pain though, do you?
No.
~That is good.
~Are you afraid, Soldat?
No
I hear you say it because that's the correct answer. It is the only answer he will accept… but you are afraid.
No
~That is good.
He believes you. It is a small relief. You won't be punished if he believes you.
Be quiet
~Can you move?
No.
He looks you over with a quick scan down to your toes and then looks back at you.
Am I paralyzed?
~No. You'll be able to move again once the sedative wears off. Do you understand?
Yes.
We listen for the other voices and try to hone in on them. They are not familiar voices. Karpov seems unconcerned by them.
Who are they? What do they want?
~I don't know, Soldat. It's not for you to know either.
Karpov would explain it to you if he had the answer, but you can't hear Karpov in the room – only in your head. His voice is in your head.
Is it?
~Yes.
Where am I? Why are you not here?
~Do you miss me?
What?
~Do you miss him?
Another voice asks.
Do I miss him?
~Yes
Who?
~Karpov. Your handler.
Do I miss him?
~Yes.
No.
~That's good. He was your handler for a long time.
Yes.
~He looked after you.
Yes.
~He trained you.
Yes.
~He helped them hurt you.
Yes.
~But he tended to you. He cleaned your wounds. He brought you back to health each time they hurt you. Yes?
Yes.
~Do you miss him?
Yes.
~What would you do to get him back?
Anything.
~Can you feel the hands stripping off our clothes?
Yes.
~Even though you're used to that, you feel anxiety rise up inside you. I feel it in you. You can't show them that though, so you won't.
No.
~You can't show that fear even if the sedative hadn't made it impossible for you to react.
Yes.
~You aren't allowed to show fear or hate or any other emotion.
No.
~You can't show it… you can't show it to them…
No.
~… but you sure as hell can feel it. Right?
…..?
~Fear… anger… terror… rage… all of it.
Stop.
~You feel it all… twisting in your gut, building… growing… and it scares you… you want to hide from it, but you can't. You can't hide from it so you want to explode.
…
~Right?
…?
~Right? You can tell me. We're safe inside here. No one can hear us. You want to explode with the rage they make you feel. Right?
Yes.
~You want to hurt them. You want to hurt the world… for what they did to you…
Yes
~Yes… yes.
You listen to this voice inside your head. It's not Karpov now. It's a familiar voice, but not Karpov. You think you knew this voice… a long time ago, but you can't be sure.
~You'll get your chance. But there's nothing you can do about that. Not now.
No.
~Not ever.
…?
~Not ever.
…
You feel the coolness of the sheet now draped over you. Still you can't respond or react to it. The chill of the sheet presses against your flesh as a heavier blanket is placed over it. You can feel the warmth of the blanket through the sheet and both smell clean. Clean and warm.
~You vaguely remember the last time you felt anything clean and warm against your flesh. The last time you remember feeling that warmth, feeling the clean… it was Karpov who gave it to you.
Yes.
A face appears above us. We can't move. Not a swallow nor a blink.
~Are you breathing? I think you are.
I think I am.
Okay.
A hand touches our cheek. He gently turns our face toward him. The man looks down at us. You try to focus your eyes to look back at him, but you can't.
~Who is he?
I don't know.
~What does he want?
I don't know.
~What will he do to you?
It doesn't matter.
~That's true. He can do anything he wants to you and there's nothing you can do about it. Right?
Yes.
~You're at his mercy.
Yes.
~You're at his mercy.
Yes.
~He has none to give.
…
~Does he?
…
~Does he?
No.
~No.
~He's talking to you. Can you hear his voice?
Yes.
~Do you understand his words?
No.
~I think he's trying to reassure you.
Of what?
~I don't know. I can't hear his words either. But his voice is soft and comforting.
…
~Do you want to be comforted?
…..
~Do you?
No… Do you?
You ask, turning the tables on the voice in your head
~What?
Do you want to be comforted?
~I do.
That's a mistake.
~It's human. It's human to want to feel safe and comforted.
That's why you lost. That's how they broke you.
~ That's how I became you.
What?
~I am you.
You are NOT me.
~I am you. You are me. We are us. Do you remember the one you call the Broken Man?
I remember.
~ The Broken Man could not be fixed. He could not be rescued and he could not survive what was done to him. When he died, you were born.
No.
~Yes. You were conceived through his torment and born of his despair.
No. I existed before Broken Man died. I remember… I watched him… crying on the floor of his cell… mourning his death before it came. I saw him.
~That was you.
It was not me! I'm stronger than that! He was weak. He was soft.
~He was you.
No!
~You were him.
Shut up!
~Or what?
…
~Or what?
I'll kill you.
~Go ahead and try.
…
~I dare you.
…..
Dr. Golden watched her patient for some time before the medication backed off just enough to allow him to sleep. She watched him as he stared unseeing into nothingness but she knew he was conscious. Unable to move or to communicate due to the strong sedative, she had to wonder what was going through his mind as he lay there conscious but unable to respond. She had to wonder if he could hear them speaking to him, trying to reassure him that he was safe and had nothing to fear. She wondered, if he could hear them, did he believe their words.
She and Dr. Banner were able to strip off his clothes and get him settled comfortably again so he could sleep off the sedative. As they draped a sheet over him, she noticed his eyes were now half closed. The sedative was a quick-acting, slow-release formula which activated quickly to put an end to his violent outburst, but then worked slowly to pull him under and he was trying to fight it.
They placed a clean warm blanket over him just as Steve and Natasha entered the room. Both showed evidence of the injuries they sustained during the altercation inside the elevator. Steve had discoloration showing on his right cheek where the metal fist had connected a few times before his teammates were able to pull the Soldier off him. Natasha had a bruise ring clearly evident around her throat which concerned Bruce immediately. He ordered her to sit and put her in a chair to inspect her injuries. Up close he could also see five spots of bruising beginning to show on her face; four spots on her right cheek and one on her left. They were oval-shaped bruises; they appeared distinctly shaped like fingerprints and he had a flash image of the Winter Soldier grabbing her by the face. He questioned her about his suspicions and she confirmed that was precisely what happened. He gave her a couple of pain relievers and an ice pack wrapped in a soft cloth cover and directed her to apply it first and foremost to her throat to stave off any swelling that may compromise her airway.
Steve waved off Banner's show of concern with a polite "I'm fine, really, Bruce" and moved to the side of the bed. The Soldier's eyes were nearly closed and he watched as the man tried hard to open them again. He shook his head as he watched his friend, once again, taken over by the Winter Soldier.
"This is what the Hydra scientists recorded in the Winter Soldier Project files," he said and Dr. Golden looked over at him from the other side of the bed. When she didn't say anything, Steve pulled his gaze away from the Soldier to look at her. "In the files, they recorded numerous times how he'd wake up suddenly, without any warning, in a violent state. That's what this was, wasn't it?" he asked.
Emily thought about his question for a moment before offering an explanation. "Yes, it's very possible that this is what they were referring to in their records."
"What causes it?" Steve asked. Emily gave a small shrug and looked at the Soldier, shaking her head. "Why does he have these outbursts of rage?"
"It's not unheard of for victims of traumatic events, especially prolonged abuse and torture, who clearly show evidence of post-traumatic stress to respond to harmless interactions with such volatility," she told him.
"But what causes it?" Steve asked, trying to understand why these incidents are happening.
"During the emotional rush that occurs during a traumatic event," she began slowly, thinking about the words she wanted to use, "the brain releases certain chemicals... in an attempt to protect itself, but those chemicals have the opposite effect and actually help the traumatic experience take root in the person's psyche. The amygdala, which is the brain's threat detector, absorbs the details of the event so that later something in the environment can subconsciously trigger the alarm, even when no threat actually exists," she explained, hoping it would help Steve to understand, "and once again the anxiety and fear associated with that event accelerates, until the brain is convinced that a real threat actually exists, and ignites the fight or flight response which causes him to suddenly explode with the belief that his life is in imminent danger."
Steve thought about her explanation but he still didn't understand. "But when he reacts that way… like he did the other day in the bathroom… I tried to reason with him, to let him know who I was and that he was safe. It didn't have any effect on him at all… he wasn't comforted at all, as if he couldn't hear me…"
"Chronic stress," she told him, "the kind of constant stress Sgt. Barnes was forced to endure every day while held captive by Hydra, that kind of stress can have intense adverse effects that are sometimes irreversible. That kind of chronic stress and anxiety can actually shrink the regions of the brain involved with memory and attention which, under normal circumstances, would moderate his fear responses. The loss of mass in those areas of his brain that regulates his fear response makes it more difficult, if not impossible, for him to put the non-threat into proper context and, with it, he's lost the ability to calm himself down in the face of the non-threatening behavior." She tried to explain the reasons behind such violent behavior in a way she hoped he could understand and the expression of sorrow on his face told her that he did understand. "Think of it as if his body is an automobile... he's driving along and everything is going well... suddenly someone else makes a move he wasn't anticipating and feels he's in imminent danger -," she explained; pausing for a moment until Steve nodded. letting her know that he was following along. "He has two choices... slam on the brakes and hope to avoid the threat or suddenly accelerate to get himself out of the threatening situation. So he accelerates and then suddenly there is no danger, but he can't find the brakes now to stop himself."
Steve nodded, completely understanding the metaphor, then had a thought. "We'll be able to help him with that, right?" he asked. "With your help, I mean… we can help him to learn to respond to certain events in a more… normal-."
"Steve," she interjected, stopping his train of thought and he looked at her. "It has been shown that when a person has had to deal with prolonged trauma, and the unrelenting stress that accompanies that trauma, it can cause irreparable damage to memory systems. Trust me, we are going to do everything we humanly can for James, but you have to understand that, while some of the changes to his brain functions are reversible, the brain itself is never the same as it was before the traumatic event. Your friend has had to endure an ungodly amount of abuse and torture and traumas both physically and psychologically… and emotionally… for a very, very long time."
Steve reached for a chair nearby and pulled it up to the side of the bed. He sat down and reached out to take Bucky's hand in his. Emily moved around the bed and pulled a chair up beside him so she could speak to him softly and more privately.
"There's nothing we can do to undo everything that's happened to him," she told him, "but there's a lot we can do to help him re-gain his mind and re-build his life… we can help him build a new life." Steve looked at her, wanting to believe that more than anything. Emily smiled at him and he took comfort from that. "Remember when I told you that the Winter Soldier will fight us every step of the way, especially when he feels his grip on the consciousness slipping?" Steve nodded and Emily looked at his hand resting atop the Soldier's hand. She placed her hand over his and looked him in the eyes. "Everything we're doing… everything he's going through… is proof that it's working, Steve. Believe that. Have faith in that."
Steve nodded. "I do."
TBC'd