Avengers: Search for the Winter Soldier

Chapter 58: What Was Lost is Found Again

Summary: With Natasha's help, Steve finally gets through to Bucky, convincing his friend that he's not dead.

Notes: This chapter is dedicated to miss_Quinne for the wonderful feedback on this story. I really appreciate it. – W6C

As Dr. Golden looked on, Steve tried repeatedly to get Barnes to talk to him. He asked a few questions for which he'd receive a hesitant reply; always in the form of a nod or a head shake. The averted eyes and body trembling made him think that they were looking at Soldat but the last time they saw him, Soldat wasn't talking. This one recognized him as Steve and spoke his name so he was certain he was speaking to Bucky – or at least a variation of him. To their dismay though, since uttering Steve's name they couldn't get him to do much more than glance at them in fear and he seemed unable or unwilling to speak.

Steve desperately wanted to re-connect with Bucky so he stepped forward but as he moved closer to the bed the man tensed up. He shot a glance toward Steve and then turned his head away as if thinking if he couldn't see him he wasn't really there. He became still, leaning away from the man approaching.

Dr. Golden studied Barnes as Steve made repeated attempts to interact with him, but it was obvious that Steve's approach was frightening him. "Steve, go slow. Be careful."

Steve looked at her and nodded. He raised his hand slowly toward Barnes and saw his eyes widen. His entire body was trembling fiercely as if terrified. "Bucky, it's okay. We're not going to hurt you. We're here to help you." Barnes shook his head and pulled his arms and legs in as if trying to become as small as possible. "It's okay," Steve told him, "don't be afraid. It's me, Steve."

Barnes shook his head, refusing to look at him. "Steve is dead. They told me that… every day."

"I know that's what they told you," Steve told him. "My plane did crash," he stated. "It crashed into the ice in the Antarctic and everyone thought I was dead. It's true, it was in the papers. It was in every newspaper around the world but I'm not dead Bucky, I'm right here." Barnes curled up tighter. Pulling his leg back onto the bed he brought his knee up, using it as a shield between him and the man beside him. "Bucky, please, listen to my voice," Steve requested. He tried to wrap his hand gently around Bucky's arm; hoping the physical contact would prove to his friend that he was real, but the unexpected contact triggered Barnes into flight mode.

As Bucky suddenly hurled himself over the bedrail, Steve instinctively reached for him, trying to keep him from hurting himself. That action, along with the two people closest to him moving forward quickly, had all the earmarks of an attempt to capture him and nothing good ever came of that. The sensation of the man's hand almost finding purchase on his arm only served to send him into a panic. As he threw himself over the rail opposite Steve, he let out a sound much like a whimper. He scrambled under the bed and Steve leaned down, trying to keep him in sight, hoping he wouldn't have a repeat of what happened last week in the bathroom.

Barnes saw the big man peering at him and pushed himself into the furthest corner near the closet at the head of the bed.

Emily grabbed onto Steve's arm. "Captain, please… wait!"
Steve tried to kneel down but Emily's firm grip tightened to keep him upright. He turned to her then tried to pull away again, concerned about his friend.
She refused to let go of his arm though. "Steve, slow down," she cautioned.

"But, he-!"

"You need to stop! You're scaring him," Emily urgently explained in a hushed tone. That brought Steve up short and he looked at her. "Go… slow," she told him. "He just cornered himself and he's frightened."

Steve realized his own anxiety needed to be controlled or he'd just be adding fuel to the fire. He took several deep breaths and centered his thoughts. Once Emily was certain he had himself under control, she released his arm.

He took a moment to think and then slowly lifted his foot to step on the pedal beneath the bed. As he pressed down on the brake, it finally disengaged with a loud clack. As soon as the brake was unlocked, Steve tried to move the bed carefully, just enough to be able to see Barnes without it between them; but when Bucky saw the man attempting to remove his cover, he reached out and grabbed onto the bed frame, holding it in place.

"Bucky, it's okay," Steve told him, keeping his voice as calm and quiet as his anxiety would allow. He crouched down so he could see Barnes. He was still averting his gaze and he was keeping a tight grip on the bed frame with his left hand.

Steve tried again to shift the bed slightly to the side so it wasn't impeding his line of sight. Barnes felt the bed move and whimpered, pulling the bed toward him to counter Steve's move. He had a tighter grip on it than Rogers did and the bed lurched toward him, the frame slamming him on the side of the head. "Oh, geez, Buck, take it easy. You're okay. You're safe," Steve tried to reassure him.

Barnes looked left and right, trying to identify an escape route but couldn't see one. From his position he had the large man close by, down on his level, and beyond him he could see the legs of the female near the foot of the bed and the legs of the other man over by the door. The only one moving at this point was the big blond… the wrangler.
What he couldn't figure out was why they suddenly wanted him to believe that Steve was alive so long after telling him he'd died. It made no sense. They had wanted him to know that there was no hope for rescue; any hope of that had died with his best friend. They taunted him with that knowledge for a very long time.
He pulled the bed in tighter and turned his body away from the tall blonde so he didn't have to look at the man who was trying to mind-fuck him.

Steve looked over his shoulder at Bruce but Banner remained where he'd stopped upon entry, allowing Steve to take the lead without interference. Dr. Golden leaned over just enough to see Barnes trying to melt into the wall; he had his eyes squeezed shut and his arms and legs pulled in tight. He was doing everything he possibly could to shut them out; to protect himself in the only way possible.

"Bucky?" Steve said quietly.

"Steve?" Barnes said, opening his eyes to search for him.

His response to Steve's voice was of great interest to Dr. Golden because it told her that he seemed to believe his ears when he couldn't believe his eyes. He recognized Steve's voice and trusted that more than he trusted what he was seeing. That was confirmed for her when Barnes turned toward the sound of his voice, but when he saw the man crouching close to him he turned away again.

"Steve?" Dr. Golden said to get his attention, "I have an idea." She gestured for him to come to her so she could tell him what she had in mind. He stood up and went to her; looking back toward Barnes to be sure he stayed where he was.

"At this point, I'm open to anything," Steve told her.

"He seems to think you're an illusion, because for seventy years he's believed you to be dead," she told him. "They used visual hallucinations, among other things, to confuse him and to keep him off balance."

"Right," he nodded in agreement. "So how do we get him to believe what he's seeing is real?"

"We don't," she told him. "Not yet."

"But-."

"There's someone here that he knows other than you," she said, "and as far as he knows she's still alive."

Steve thought for a moment then looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Natasha?" Emily nodded. "Do you think she'd be up for this?"

Emily thought about it then said, "There's only one way to find out. Are you okay with her coming in?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "Yeah, whatever it takes."

"Contact her," she told him. "Ask her to come down here and I'll meet her in the hall. I'll bring her up to speed as quickly as I can and then we'll see if her connection to him still has any merit."

Steve nodded and tapped his earwig. He told Natasha what was going on and how they believed she might be able to help. She told him she was on her way and disconnected. He gave Emily a nod and she left the room to wait near the elevator.

When Natasha arrived, they walked slowly back toward Barnes' room as Emily explained the situation. She told Nat that in her opinion, his confusion regarding Captain Rogers was caused by the constant lies and manipulation he was subjected to for years. He appears to believe Steve is present when he hears his voice but turns away when he sees him. Since the Winter Soldier had recognized her as his student, perhaps this James Barnes might also recognize her. Natasha thought it was worth a try and agreed to Emily's suggestions.

She barely heard what Dr. Golden was saying after that as her thoughts focused on the man she was about to see. Did she dare hope he would be the man she lost twelve years ago and if so, would he know her now? She was never one to hold onto unrealistic dreams but she couldn't deny that not a day had passed without thinking of him and praying that somehow he'd survived. With the different facets of Barnes that had shown themselves since the recovery of the Winter Soldier, was it too much to hope that one of them would be 'her' James? Her prayers would be answered if she ever saw him again, even if he didn't know her.

Less than ten minutes after being contacted, Natasha entered the room with Dr. Golden. Steve turned to look at her and offered her a small smile. Natasha gave him a nod as she moved forward carefully. Dr. Golden took her position again at the foot of the bed near the corner so she could see him if she just leaned forward but was out of his sightline most of the time.

As she approached Natasha could see Barnes sitting on the floor behind the bed and that he was anchoring the bed to him with his right arm wrapped around the frame. He was wearing only the shorts he was put to bed in the night before and she could see he was trembling, but she didn't know if it was out of fear or if he was cold.

She looked at Dr. Golden who was watching her closely and gave her a nod to proceed. So Natasha got down on her knees and quietly slid closer. When she was just out of his reach she stopped and took a moment to think about what she wanted to say. She looked up at Steve and he gave her a nod so she took a deep breath.

"Hello," she said quietly. He lifted his head as if surprised by a female voice but he didn't turn his head to look at her. "Priviet," she repeated the greeting in Russian. He still kept his face turned away and tightened his arm around the bed frame. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" she asked. He didn't respond so she tried the same question in Russian. "Ty ponimayesh', chto ya govoryu?" He kept his head down and didn't respond to her at all. Natasha looked up at Steve unsure where to go next.

"See if he knows his name," Steve suggested.

Natasha turned back to the man hiding behind the bed and asked, "Can you tell me your name?" He moved his head and she thought he had started to shake it to tell her no, but then stopped. "Vy mozhete skazat' mne svoye imya?" she repeated the question. He still refused to engage her choosing instead to lean his head against the wall as if he was tired and wanted to sleep. "Tebya zovut Dzheyms," she told him. Your name is James.

When he heard his name, he lifted his head away from the wall and sat straighter. No one at Hydra ever used his name.
She had his attention so she decided to keep trying to get him to respond to her. "Vy uznayete svoye imya?" she asked if he recognized that name.

He turned his head to look at her and his expression made her pause. He stared at her as if stunned and they just looked at each other for a moment. She opened her mouth to say something to him but stopped short as he responded. "Natalia?" he asked.
Natasha was shocked into silence as they stared at one another. She couldn't breathe and she couldn't speak so she just nodded.
"Natalia… Romonova," he said quietly.

Natasha let out the breath she was holding and nodded again. "Bozhe moy. Da," she whispered. Oh my God. Yes.

He pushed the bed away just enough to give himself space to maneuver as he spun around to face her. He studied her face as she stared back and then he reached for her. His fingertips touched her cheek and then he lightly grasped a length of her hair and let his hand glide down it as if touching her made her real.

"James?" she whispered. She knew this version of Barnes; she knew him intimately and he, her.

He nodded and then, as he got to his knees, he reached out and pulled her to him. Natasha fell into him and they embraced, holding on as tightly as they could.

As Dr. Golden, Captain Rogers and Dr. Banner looked on, Natasha and James held onto each other and then he pulled away just enough to look at her. Tears were flowing down her cheeks and he couldn't remember ever seeing her reveal so much emotion. Before he could think about where he was and what he was doing, James pulled her to him and kissed her on the mouth. It was just a closed mouth kiss, but was filled with such intense affection that he crushed her mouth under his. Natasha was vaguely aware of what they were doing, when he suddenly pulled away and looked at her with a shocked and fearful expression.

"James?" she breathed out.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, in a hushed tone.

He looked past her to see the two men watching them and the memory of the last time they'd been caught showing affection to one another flashed through his head as if it had happened only yesterday. They had been forcefully separated and pulled away from each other. He was beaten and brought to the Black Room where he was tortured for days. The worst part of it all was that he never saw her again and had feared her dead.

"You need to leave. Now," he told her and carefully pushed her away. "Tebe nuzhno uyti! Seychas!"

"Nyet," she replied, shaking her head. "No, we're safe now," she told him. He shook his head and, as she tried to move closer, he put his hand up to stop her. Natasha wrapped her hand around his as he moved away from her. "It's okay. We're safe now," she told him but he shook his head. "James, you're safe now. We rescued you," she told him and he looked at her, wanting to believe that but afraid she'd lost her mind.

"No," he said under his breath. "There is no rescue," he told her, then began to rock his body back and forth, repeating what he'd been told so many times it played like a broken record in his head. "No one's coming for you. Your friend is dead. Nobody cares… they don't know where you are… your country abandoned you… they left you behind. Nobody knows where you are…"

Natasha listened to him as he spoke the words of the Hydra mind-benders. He repeated them over and over as he rocked and his eyes took on a glaze that saddened her. As he echoed the words of his tormentors she imagined how hopeless and alone he must have felt, wishing desperately he could have been rescued before he fell into the clutches of Hydra. She reached for him and in his fugue state she was able to guide him out from behind the bed. As he sat down in front of her, he immediately began to rock again and Steve and Dr. Golden were finally able to get an unobstructed view.

"James?" Natasha said, trying to break through the words echoing in his head. "James… do you remember Steve?" At the mention of his best friend's name the rocking ceased and he stopped muttering those words and nodded. "You remember Steve, of course you do. Do you remember his full name?" she asked but he didn't respond. He just sat in front of her staring at the tiles on the floor. "He's your best friend, isn't he?" she asked and he nodded. Natasha was the only one close enough to him and in the proper position to see a tear roll down his cheek. She reached out to take his hand in hers and told him, "Steve Rogers is alive, James." He shook his head and tears rolled down both cheeks.

Natasha looked up at Steve who took that as a cue to join her. He knelt down close to her and sucked in a breath; seeing Bucky's tears he realized his friend was still actively mourning the false truth of his demise.

"Bucky?" he said, his voice cracked and he lost half the word but Barnes stilled. He wasn't breathing and he didn't move, but his eyebrows knitted together at the sound of his voice. Natasha reached for Steve's hand and squeezed it, trying to lend him her strength to keep going. "Buck… it's me… Steve." Bucky turned his head in Steve's direction but kept his eyes focused on the floor, still afraid to look directly at him; not wanting to be taken in by an illusion. Natasha squeezed Steve's hand again so he tried once more. "Bucky… I'm right here. Look at me," Steve told him. Barnes slowly lifted his head as more tears streamed down his face. Steve almost lost it and had to draw in a deep breath to keep from crying too. Finally, Barnes lifted his eyes and the two men stared at each other for a long moment before his gaze shifted to Natasha. She smiled at him and nodded, letting him know that what he was seeing was real; he could trust his eyes because she was here… and so was Steve. He looked back at Rogers and Steve smiled at him.

"Steve?"

Cap smiled and nodded as his own tears escaped. "Yeah, Buck, it's me." Barnes raised his hand toward the man in front of him and touched his cheek. "It's me, buddy. I've been looking for you for a long time… a very long time."

Barnes nodded because he knew that was the truth and broke down. He reached for Steve with both hands and Cap quickly straightened and slid forward, closing the distance between them as Bucky pulled at him. Wrapping his arms around his friend, Steve pulled him tight against him. Barnes buried his face against Steve's chest, wrapping his arms around him. He gathered the material of Steve's shirt in both fists and held on to him as if his very life depended on it. Steve pressed his face to the top of Bucky's head and cried as the sensation of his friend clinging to him and the vivid memory of Bucky falling from the train caused Steve to re-experience that feeling of immense loss, just as he had in 1945. If only he could have held onto him like this... Through his own tears he assured his friend, "I've got you. I've got you, buddy. I'm right here and I'll never let go. I'll never lose you again. I'm gonna hold on tight. I promise."

TBC'd