I'm Too Sober For This

by Masked Spider

Shirou Emiya has had an interesting time adjusting to the world of his new king, Serafall, but not a terrible time. That is until a spell gone awry brings a different, and far more irritable, Issei Hyoudou into the fray. Will they get along or is a giant mess in store for the both of them? Either way it's gonna be quite a time for the world caught in the middle! GAIWP x ADLH

21. The Ones Behind The Madness

The Ones Behind The Madness

And here it is, the latest chapter of I'm Too Sober For This! Apologies for the delay, as mentioned before, life happens. But we're here now and I believe you'll find this one was worth the wait! So I'll skip the usual advertising this time around and with no guest review questions this week, let's get to the story!

Neutral Territory

The land was barren and rocky and the sky was slightly obscured by a large barrier designed to let only a certain number of people in. Other secondary barriers had been erected to detect any approaching intruders from not only the ground or air, but even underground.

The only thing marking this particular wasteland as a meeting spot was the massive round table and numerous chairs surrounding it. It certainly was not the first location anyone would think of for a meeting of the Three Factions to take place.

As the time approached, Sun Wukong sat nearby on a box, drinking tea. While he may have looked relaxed, the Monkey King was actually stretching his Senjutsu senses out one last time to ensure no one was attempting to meddle with the setup. Considering who was coming, there was little doubt that someone would try to pull something if any information about it happened to get out.

"So," a deep voice rumbled from seemingly nowhere, "Who do you think's going to show up first?"

"The Maous called for this so it'd be rude for them not to show up first." Wukong responded between sips of his tea. "Though that Falbium boy probably won't, either because he's too lazy or too paranoid. At best, he'll send a representative. The Angel Faction will show up next, maybe even early considering the kind of guy Archangel Michael is. The Fallen Angels will be the last to show up: Azazel is supposed to attend the meeting, and everyone knows how much he likes to flaunt that laid-back reputation of his."

"Sounds about right." The Monkey King's friend agreed. "But no one really knows what the purpose of the meeting is?"

"That moody youngster from the other world called for it." Wukong shrugged. "He's been pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing but it likely has something to do with the dragons if the latest nonsense is anything to go by. Might even concern you. Personality aside, the child strikes me as a sharp one. Definitely not the sort that would go through the effort of calling this sort of audience carelessly."

"The Three Factions have messed with the dragons in the past." The voice recalled. "But I can't think of anything specific they've done that would relate to me. Not recently anyway."

"Perhaps we'll all learn something new today." The Old Monkey finished sipping his tea before setting it aside and picking up his staff. They were down to the last few minutes. That's when the first arrivals appeared via a teleportation circle that had been set up within the barrier. As expected, it was the Maous, or at least three of the four.

"So," Serafall spoke first as she took a seat on Sirzechs right side while Ajuka sat on his left, "What are the odds someone does something stupid at this meeting?"

"We're here on the words of the otherworld Sekiryuutei." Ajuka responded while tinkering with the screen of another one of his gadgets. "Based on what you've told us about his time with the other Peerages, the odds are likely something peculiar will take place. But one thing we can all be certain of is that there was a good reason we were all called here."

"I'm personally more surprised both Factions accepted." Sirzechs added. "Michael I can understand, he's typically on the side of peace, but Azazel has always been something of a wildcard. He must think there's going to be an interesting occurrence or two if he plans to show up."

Serafall was about to say something else, but right about that time another teleportation circle lit up, permitting three winged figures to appear. The first one standing on the left was, surprisingly, Irina Shidou, once again clad in the black bodysuit of the exorcists but this time with her wings and halo on full display.

The figure on the far right was also a winged woman, but unlike Irina she had twelve wings growing from her back. Her beauty was also ethereal, the kind that anyone would describe as otherworldly. Even with the blue robes and golden-armored shoulder pads covering the majority of her body, it was obvious this golden-haired angel possessed a voluptuous figure. Little surprise, considering this was Gabriel, the one known as the most beautiful, and most powerful, woman in Heaven.

Incidentally, she was also the one person Serafall Leviathan wanted to see go up in flames more than anything else, a fact the Maou kept to herself. Mostly.

In the center was the leader of the trio, a man with long blond hair and calm green eyes. He was adorned in a red robe and his shoulders and neck were covered by golden shoulder armor attached to an orange cape that reached down to his feet. He moved with elegance and grace, the ghost of a smile seeming to always be upon his features. This was Michael whom, as signified by his twelve golden-white wings, was the current leader of the Angel Faction.

"Lord Lucifer, Lord Beelzebub." He greeted with a gentle voice as the trio bowed. "And Lady Leviathan. It's been some time since we last spoke. I heard about the attack at the Rating Games, none of your friends or family were harmed, I hope."

"None of them suffered any severe injuries." Sirzechs recalled. "My dear sister and her Peerage were actually instrumental in bringing down the barrier."

"My little sister handled herself expertly as well." Serafall winked. "And what about you? Is managing Heaven still going well?"

"As well as can be expected," the archangel and his fellow angels took a seat at the table, "But that does remind me. Is your Queen on hand right now, Lady Leviathan?"

"I've mentioned this before, just call me Serafall." The magical girl Maou rolled her eyes. "I haven't called you Lord Michael in decades. And before I answer your question, what business do you have with my Queen?"

"I merely wish to thank him." Michael explained with a soft smile. "He was able to grant Kokabiel peace when no one else could. Before his demise I sensed it, he'd finally been freed from his madness."

"I'd like to meet the guy too." Another voice spoke up as the third teleportation seal activated, revealing a trio of newcomers, two of whom were sporting a dozen black wings each. The one on the left was a handsome man with a neutral look on his face and short silver-white hair. His attire consisted of a purple beret on his head and a purple trench coat over a black vest with white pants and black boots. This was Shemhazai, Vice-Governor General of the Fallen Angels.

The second newcomer was someone who appeared to be a middle-aged, bearded man wearing a large brown cloak that covered the black armored bodysuit with yellow lining that he was wearing. This man, who seemed to have a constant look of contemplation on his face, was Baraqiel, one of the top leaders of the Grigori. And leading the trio was a tall man who appeared to be in his twenties with black hair, golden bangs and a goatee. His choice of outfit for this particular meeting was a maroon v-neck long coat with two black belts around his waist and four black bands on each arm.

Completing the man's outfit was a pair of gray slacks and brown shoes. And though he didn't have them out, everyone there was aware this man possessed twelve jet-black feathered wings that seemed to suck in all the light around them. It was no surprise, considering this was Azazel, Governor General of the Fallen Angels. "Azazel." Michael greeted. "You appear to be doing the same as always."

"You know me." The governor general smirked while taking a seat with his fellow Fallen Angels. "Always collecting and experimenting with things. Doesn't leave as much time to get dressed up as you might think."

"Or time to actually do your job." Serafall huffed while crossing her arms. "Did you even try to stop Kokabiel from attempting to reignite the war?"

"What could I really do?" Azazel shrugged. "He and his followers were operating in your and Sirzech's territory before anyone knew it. If I'd just shown up out of the blue and started a fight with him, how would that've looked?"

"He shouldn't have even made it to our territory." The Leviathan narrowed her eyes. "Thanks to your inability to even manage your own people—"

"You should count yourself lucky that Kokabiel didn't have even more followers." The fallen angel pointed out. "I did what I could, but he always had a way with words when it came to the soldiers. Besides, you'd already taken steps to ensure no one could cause trouble in your little sister's domain. That Queen of yours took care of everything and while I might've, admittedly, messed up you're the ones dealing with a full-scale war right now, even without our help."

"That's exactly why you should be doing your job so that it doesn't get—" Serafall started to snap back before being interrupted again.

"There's little point in bringing up past events now." Sirzechs declared calmly. "We're not here to discuss war, be it of the past or the present."

"And would you be so kind as to tell us why you called this meeting, Lord Sirzechs?" Gabriel requested, her voice like the notes of a gentle song.

"This meeting was not actually my idea." The maou revealed. "A rather unique individual had something of importance he wished to discuss with you. To the point that he stressed it was of critical importance to all of us. I, however, would like to also take this opportunity to make a small request of the Angel Faction prior to those discussions, if you'd allow me, Lord Michael?"

"If it is a reasonable request I will certainly try to accommodate you." The archangel nodded. "But first I must ask: is this unique individual of yours going to be attending this meeting?"

"And would he happen to be the one who messed up the ceremony at the Young Devil's Gathering?" Azazel added with a small smirk.

"As usual your ability to find out such matters is impressive." Sirzechs almost snorted, clearly unsurprised. "Yes, it is that very same individual who called this meeting."

"Now I'm even more intrigued." The governor general hummed. "Care to share a few details about him?"

"I'm afraid most information regarding him is on a need-to-know basis." Ajuka answered without looking up from his contraption. "What we can safely tell you right now is that he is a doppelganger of sorts of a member of Rias Gremory's Peerage. You will, however, immediately notice a number of differences that will make it easy to tell them apart. Both of them will be joining us to ensure there is no confusion in the near future."

"And when might he and the Queen of Swords be showing?" Azazel asked.

RUMBLE!

An energy filled the room then, not belonging to any of the Three Factions but one they all recognized just the same: the power of a dragon.

A glowing black and silver symbol appeared on the ground, one with two overlapping black crow wings, crimson line-art, with tiny flicks of flames around the edges; the power that etched it into the earth giving everyone the impression of the edge of a fine blade thrown about like the heft of an ax as the crude power fully manifested its insignia. Once completed, the surprising image of a bird in flight over a yin-yang taijitu graced everyone's eyes before it erupted into a small pillar of light that shot to the sky.

Moments later, a small group of individuals exited the light as it disappeared shortly afterwards.

"You seriously need to work on your power control. If this place wasn't cloaked, everyone in a hundred-kilometer radius would have been able to see where we were. Let alone sense us."

"Bite me, porn-monger."

"No. If I do, I'll catch something that I'll have to name after you, and then waste time curing it."

Speak of the Devil… or Dragon in this case.

"There's Sera and the monkey." Ignoring the guest of honor, Karasuba noted the local audience with a hand held above her eyes while Illya stood right next to her. "Guess we're in the right place."

"You think your master would've given you the wrong location for an important meeting like this?" Rias glanced at the grey-haired girl questioningly.

"It wouldn't be the first time he's given me bad directions." Karasuba admitted as the group started walking forward. "Worst part is trying to figure out when he's doing it on purpose or not."

"When you've been around as long as I have, all these barren wastelands start to look the same." Wukong remarked with a shrug.

"But it is good to see that you're doing well, Karasuba." A voice rumbled slightly from above them. Looking up, everyone beheld the head of a giant green dragon peering down at them.

This was Yu Long, the Trickster Dragon of Chinese lore, and also the main part of security for the meeting. How he did this was that the "walls" surrounding the meeting were actually his serpentine body coiled around it several times. This put him in a good position to roast anyone making trouble. Fortunately, he seemed to be in an agreeable mood so far, meaning the meeting hadn't gone off the rails just yet.

"Hey Uncle Long." The Red Dragon Empress greeted back. "And I'm doing a lot better than I was."

"So I've heard." The trickster dragon hummed before turning his gaze to Shirou. "And you are her new King. You have my thanks for setting Karasuba on a better path. It's not every day someone can be found who'd welcome a dragon among their ranks genuinely."

---

"That's one of many things I intend to change." I declared. Yu Long nodded before moving his eyes over to the otherworld Issei.

"So it's true." He observed with a gaze that seemed to see more than mere flesh and blood. "That certainly explains how she was able to learn the Dragon Gate."

"Someone had to teach her." Issei shrugged absently. "That moron in her arm definitely wasn't going to do it."

"A bad habit of his that he's had for some centuries now." Yu Long sighed, or what passed for a sigh.

"Great Yu Long." Sirzechs called. "Forgive my interruption, but we too are eager to speak with all of them. Assuming these are the ones we've been waiting for?"

"They are." The Trickster Dragon took one last glance at us. "I detect no spells or oddities trying to hide their bodies or identities. You may proceed with the meeting at your leisure." He pulled his head back while the Maou signaled for the group to approach.

"You weren't kidding when you said we had a doppelgänger situation." Azazel rubbed his chin, intrigued. "May I ask how this little dilemma came to be?"

"Powers beyond our control." Ajuka answered simply. "We've been working to resolve the situation. However, that 'Issei' there is the reason this meeting was called to order in the first place."

"Is he now?" Michael hummed in wonder. "Tell me, dear boy, to what do we owe the pleasure of this meeting?"

"First off, please lean off the platitudes with the 'boy' and 'child' bits." The otherworld Issei sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just call me Issei or Hyoudou, or whatever isn't condescending. Second off, we're here to discuss a severe issue originating from your faction."

"Severe? I'm afraid I'm unaware of any member of my faction making trouble for you or any of your friends." The archangel responded, confused. "And while we're on the subject, what should we call this other Issei Hyoudou?"

"We've been sticking with 'Local Issei' for a little while now." I informed while pointing at said Twice Critical wielder. "It has worked well enough so far."

"Does he usually look so… conflicted?" Gabriel asked while shifting position, causing her breasts to bounce slightly.

Local Issei suddenly collapsed from a nosebleed.

"ISSEI!" Irina was by his side in a moment. "Are you alright? What happened?"

"Judging from the trajectory and velocity of his nosebleed, Gabriel and her boobs happened." The otherworlder quickly deduced, giving the archangel a clinical look. "Compounded by the fact he's also been skittish around blondes recently. Quite a common reaction, actually."

"Why would Issei be skittish around blondes?" The former exorcist asked.

"Asia." Both myself and otherworld Issei said simultaneously.

"Oh yeah." Irina looked back down at her friend. "But if you're afraid of blondes right now, then why are you fainting from Lady Gabriel's boobs?"

"Don't be too hard on him." The Boosted Gear wielder patted her shoulder. "Gabriel's chest is literally the stuff of legends among those with taste. Angels have literally fallen and developed a sex drive because of them."

"I can vouch for that." Azazel snorted in amusement. Otherworld Issei glanced in his direction before quickly scribbling something down on a piece of paper, folding it into a paper airplane and throwing it towards the governor general. He easily snatched it out of the air and opened it up to read the message on the inside. "Heh, nice."

I pretended to ignore the childishly mutual thumbs-up both perverts gave one another. I sincerely hope everyone else did the same.

"If we could move this conversation back on topic and away from my breasts, that'd be appreciated." Gabriel sighed. "I fear we aren't making much headway right now."

"Shirou, why don't you and Gin-chan go ahead and take care of your part of this meeting?" The foreign Sekiryuutei requested. "I'll need a second to treat my other here. Sudden exposure to Gabriel can be a bit of a shock to the system for unprepared novices."

What?

"Hoh?" Azazel muttered curiously as the guest of honor went to work. Judging from the brief looks from the other faction leaders, the revelation had their mild interest too, but I suppose they didn't dwell on it.

"I know I'm far from harmless to Devils in general, but please don't talk about me like I'm radioactive." Gabriel genuinely looked a little hurt by the way she was being addressed if her watery eyes were any indication.

I couldn't deny it: those eyes made me want to pat her head for some reason. But I didn't. This woman was my King's most hated enemy, and showing sympathy to her right in front of Serafall would no doubt provoke a nasty confrontation with the self-proclaimed magical girl later.

"There's literally a manual to treat it in my world!" To no one's surprise, Azazel looked interested in the declaration.

I would later learn that Issei was the one to write said manual in the first place, and that it wasn't his fault that it sold quite well in Heaven and the Church.

"I should really be more surprised that an entire meeting has almost been derailed by a woman's breasts." I sighed. "But it's not the weirdest thing that's happened this week." I took a few steps towards the table with Karasuba right next to me. "Sirzechs-sama, I'm told you've been informed of the situation involving my Queen, Karasuba Hyoudou?"

I did not want to show deference to this prick, but this was a meeting between the Three Factions, and unlike Issei, I couldn't afford to be casual.

"I have." He confirmed with a nod. "No doubt you've already been told multiple times the potential risk you've taken?" For once the expression on his face was dead serious when speaking with me. Even after the time I turned him into a pincushion, he'd still managed to put a big smile on his face and treat me like an extended member of his family. This time, however, there was no hint of jesting or fooling around, or attempts to call me 'tsun-tsun'.

That just goes to show how important it was that this next part went well.

"Sona did her best to beat into my head the gravity of the situation." I responded. "Even so, I did what I thought was right at the time and I'm still doing it now."

"As you always do." The prick nodded before turning to the Angel Faction. "Lord Michael. As I mentioned earlier, I have a request I'd like to ask of you. Would you use your Power of Judgment and tell me of this girl's soul?"

"A reasonable request." The leader of the Angel Faction stood up and walked around the table with Gabriel trailing behind him, almost appearing to float as they moved with seemingly effortless grace. The duo stopped in front of me and Karasuba. "Hmm, I can already tell there's a good bit of complexity from the both of you."

"Life's just thrown one curveball after another at us." The dragon girl shrugged. "Just do whatever it is you need to do. Illya over there is waiting."

"She's a good girl, I promise!" Said red-eyed girl called from her place with the others as though talking more about a pet than a person. If Karasuba noticed this, she didn't react.

"You've done something right to earn such affection from a little one like that." Gabriel observed with a glance in Illya's direction. "Though she, too, appears to have had some curveballs thrown at her."

"It's a long story." I sighed. "One that's apparently twenty or so episodes long."

"I recommend it." Shemhazai suddenly held up a little Illya doll on a keychain. "It's a wonderful show."

Oh God, just… oh yeah, You're dead, aren't You?

"Show?" A number of questioning eyes swiveled my way.

"Long live Ufotable." The foreign Sekiryuutei muttered next to his patient. "Fuck Deen."

"Serafall's idea." My head drooped as my Pride was dealt a kick in to the crotch that I'm sure would cause it to piss blood for a month. "I'll tell you about it later if it comes up again. For now, I'll let you do what you need to do." I backed away as Michael refocused his gaze on Karasuba. I detected no malice or anger of any kind even despite the fact that he probably knew who she was now.

He just continued to stare for several seconds, his gaze unreadable. Karasuba looked back, her puzzled expression indicating she wasn't sure what to think of the current proceedings.

Finally, after a solid minute, Michael's posture straightened.

"Hmm, without a doubt you're quite dangerous. But the worst of your wounds seem to be healing." The archangel began. "The Maous do not have as much to fear from you as they think. You've made your decision about who you're going to fight for and it's not the Khaos Brigade, now or ever."

"I didn't become Emiya's Queen for the fun of it." She shrugged. "Or at least that wasn't the only reason."

"Quite." Michael hummed before turning his gaze to me. "I should still warn you, you won't have an easy road ahead of you with her as your Queen."

As if my road had ever been easy.

"You wouldn't be the first to tell me that." I nodded. "But I knew the risk I was taking."

"Did you, though?" Sona sighed from her position next to Rias.

"And before we forget," Gabriel bowed to me, "Thank you so much, for saving Kokabiel. His actions resulted in the end of his life, but you freed him from the madness that had taken hold."

"Saving people is just something I—GUH!" my answer was interrupted by Serafall grabbing me from behind and pulling me to the side.

"Don't think I don't see what you're doing, bowing like that!" She pointed an accusing finger at the angel. "Shi-chan's already got a wonderful rack to appreciate so just back off!"

Eh? Oh, right: my King's archenemy was interacting with me, so naturally, she had to get possessive. Of course.

"I was merely bowing in thanks." Gabriel tilted her head in confusion. "I was not attempting to seduce your Queen."

"Heh." Both Azazel and the foreign Issei let out a brief laugh at the multiple ways that line could be interpreted before glancing at one another and briefly giving the other a knowing thumbs-up again.

"Uh-huh." The maou started dragging me away. "I won't take my chances. Out-of-towner, you're up. This whole thing was your idea, anyway."

"I'll make this quick." The otherworld Issei pushed himself up, stepped forward, and took a deep breath while looking at everyone there. Judging from his few seconds' worth of hesitation, there was clearly something with this setup that he was blatantly uncomfortable with, but I guess he pushed it down quick enough. "Alright, so here's the thing: Everyone knows dragons are inherently mad creatures with a vicious nature, right?"

"To be fair, that doesn't apply to all dragons." Michael pointed out.

"Actually, it doesn't apply to most dragons. Or to be more exact, it shouldn't. The oldest of you here should at the very least remember a time where the general temperament of dragons was far more reasonable than it was today. Back before the War, at the very least." Issei materialized his Boosted Gear. "You recognize this, I take it?"

"I recognize that as something that shouldn't have a duplicate." The archangel's eyes narrowed in a scrutinizing fashion. "You're not merely a simple doppelgänger, are you?"

"We didn't come here to talk about me, I'm not that cruel." Issei evaded. "I called this meeting to discuss Heaven's responsibility for turning all of the dragons crazy."

The meeting went dead quiet.

"Hoh?" Azazel leaned forward, suddenly showing far more interest in what was being discussed. "That's not a theory. You're speaking as though stating a fact."

"What are you talking about?!" Irina exclaimed in confusion, standing up quickly. "How could Heaven have anything to do with the dragons?!"

She might've said more but Michael held up a hand to silence her.

"Let him speak." The leader of the angels requested patiently. "He doesn't strike me as the kind of person to make baseless accusations. Please, present your case, Hyoudou."

The otherworlder nodded. "It should first be noted for context that I have been in contact with all Three Factions from an early age. Most reasons for that are irrelevant to this discussion, but one of which was due to my aggressive approach to my own development and education. All parties categorized me as a person of interest and potential collaborative investment."

I wasn't the only one that lifted an eyebrow of interest. But this was the first time he had blatantly stated as much so articulately.

The guest went on. "As a result, due to aforementioned investments and exposure to said parties, among the list of skills and experiences I possess is an extensive background in analyzing Sacred Gears and God's System. You could say that I am just short of Azazel's level of expertise for the most part as a comparison."

"Big claim there, kid. But even if it is true, how is that relevant?" Azazel's eyes flickered with mild interest, looking at the Maous curiously. Judging by how they barely held back their own reactions, this was new information to them as well.

The teen shook his head. "Dragons aren't nearly as feral in my world as they are here. Driven by instinct, but not unanimously as vicious. Ophis, the Heavenly Dragons, even the Kings have shown concerning mental degradation in comparison. Lesser dragons I could understand, but the higher-ranked ones shouldn't be that far gone. Not without some sort of external influence or catalyst. That said, the matter still technically wasn't my issue to address. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it and put it off as a mild concern and prioritize how to return home, but then I discovered something interesting when looking at the current Sekiryuutei's Sacred Gear during an examination."

The speaker held up a piece of paper that glowed with a bit of magical energy. A hologram of a diagram that looked like a cross between electrical circuitry and a Kaballaic chart floated in the air.

"This is the core setup of the current Sekiryuutei's Sacred Gear."

He took out another paper. A similar, yet simplified hologram floated in the air.

"For consistency and comparison's sake to support my initial hypothesis, I took samples from other Sacred Gears. This one's from my alternate's Twice Critical."

A third similar hologram.

"Sona Sitri's Pawn's Sacred Gear, Absorption Line."

A fourth. This one was notably different from the others in its general design and outputs.

"Kiba Yuuto's Sword Birth, as a control for a non-draconic Sacred Gear."

And a fifth hologram appeared, similar to the first three, only a good portion of the connections on one section of the diagram was distinctly disconnected.

"And here is mine for comparison." The teen concluded, not at all caring that he was disclosing personal information to parties that still did not trust him. "Any questions or comments so far before I continue?"

"Yeah, I have one." Surprisingly, Azazel spoke up first with a hint of genuine seriousness. "How exactly are you still alive?"

"Is that supposed to be some sort of danger that we should be aware of?" Serafall asked, just as serious.

"No, it's out of genuine curiosity." Michael defended Azazel's question, looking at Issei's Sacred Gear blueprint with some concern. "The portion of his Boosted Gear's prints that are disconnected are all related to internal safety and regulation protocols. By all rights, he should have overloaded himself within the first few uses of Ddraig's powers. Let alone when combatting all four Maous at once."

If the guest was affected by the looks he was getting from the bulk of those there, he didn't show it in the slightest as he shrugged and yawned. "My Sacred Gear is a Sub-Species. The safety issue is just a side effect of its mutation. I micromanage my boosts for max effect and minimal risk to get things done fast. Things like 'power' and 'strength' don't interest me in the slightest so I'm not really at risk of boosting myself to the point I explode like all the other users."

"If that's the case, then your proof has a flaw." Sirzechs frowned. "If your Sub-Species affects your core to that extent, then what is to say that your evidence is tampered to begin with?"

The presenter didn't seem bothered by the question in the slightest, and took out another paper hologram a moment later.

"That's…" Azazel blinked in surprise.

"And this is a core blueprint of Divine Dividing from where I'm from. The discrepancy I discovered matches with this print as well."

Given the Governor General of the Fallen's reaction, nobody was likely to disprove the validity of Issei's statement. I had briefly witnessed him pulling these prints from Karasuba, and given how tedious the process was, I highly doubted that he did the same thing during his brief encounter with this world's Vali.

"Okay. This is somewhat interesting, but what exactly are we supposed to be looking at exactly?" Serafall asked with a mix of curiosity and annoyance. "Some of us here aren't exactly fluent in God's System and Sacred Gear mechanics."

"There." To no one's surprise, it was the genius of the Maous that found it first, pointing at a singular line sticking out from the bottom right of the core of one of the charts to a small circle. "That terminal, line, and input. It only exists on the draconic Sacred Gears from here."

"Which one are you… oh, that one. Now I see it. Wow, I completely forgot that thing was there." Azazel was the next to spot it. "That small bit down there is a receiver feeding a signal back into the core of the Gear, but I thought it never did anything. Seeing as we're here, guess not."

The presenter made a few flicks of his fingers to highlight the offending components. To my credit, even I had to focus a bit to see where he was pointing to. Among the spiderweb of lines and circles and scriptures on each diagram, the offending section being discussed was a tiny single line and circle near the center of the core of half of the images there. It was incredibly easy to miss, even if you knew what to look for.

"Upon further investigation, I identified the signal that the receiver was set to take in. It's a one-way line. Receiving at a specific frequency and divine harmonic that is within the signal range used by Heaven and God's System to interact with external bodies on a global scale. It's not something that can be easily imitated or replicated. It feeds straight into the section of the Sacred Gears that contain the spirits of the dragons they hold."

"How do you know it functions on a global scale?" Sirzechs asked skeptically.

"I went for a walk two days ago while everyone was training. I did it then."

We all stared at him.

"By walk, you mean teleport? While you're supposed to be hiding from Ophis?" Serafall asked slowly.

"No. I walked. Everyone knows teleporting is easier to detect and track." His expression was completely innocent. "The world's circumference is only a little over forty-thousand kilometers. Even a normal half-meter step could get me almost around the planet with just twenty-six Boosts. Jumping around the world is easy if you know how to do it right. And eat enough calories to prep for the trip. Didn't even take me fifteen minutes to get data from all the major continents and verify that the signal's range was in fact planetary."

"Welp. I don't know about you guys, but I like this kid. He doesn't bother beating around the bush, does he?" Azazel smirked with genuine amusement, but the glimmer in his eyes told everyone what he truly saw their guest as now.

Twenty-six Boosts was not a small number.

If the presenter noticed or was bothered by this revelation, he didn't show it. "The problem with this discrepancy isn't that there is a signal, but what it does. First and foremost is that it only affects and is detected by dragons. I spent the past couple of days verifying as much with a jury rigged receiver and amplifier to play it among various parties to prove as much."

"So that's what you were doing this entire time?" Rias blinked in surprise, no doubt remembering how her and Sona's Pawns were screaming on the floor of the training room in pain just a few days ago, but nobody else was.

"So you can verify he's telling the truth, then?" Sirzechs asked his sister and Pawn.

"He did, it sucked. The jerk didn't warn any of us at all when he did it." Local Issei grumbled while rubbing his ears. "My head still hurts just remembering it."

"I also confirmed the signal affected dragons that weren't in Sacred Gears when I was traveling about." The Sekiryuutei continued. "Naturally, results varied individually due to a number of factors. Some were naturally more susceptible to it. Others have simply been around longer and somewhat adapted to a limited extent. Most notably, the ones in the Sacred Gears suffered the most from this signal due to the System being designed to receive and magnify it specifically. Albion and Ddraig being prime examples. Regardless, with this frequency being played across the globe for millennia, long-term negative effects were all but guaranteed eventually across the board."

"What about you?" Michael asked curiously. "Your other seemed to be affected by this signal when you played it."

"Oh, I screwed up when trying to tap the signal near the start and gave myself a blast of it with the speakers cranked at max. Almost set my room on fire in a blind attempt to escape it before whiting out and breaking the speakers in the process. Took me over an hour to make my eyes and ears stop bleeding after I woke up."

"You what now?" I wasn't the only one on my side of the table that turned to stare at the shameless presenter. None of us should be surprised by any part of the short story, to be honest, but the fact still remains that he almost set my house on fire and didn't tell me about it.

"Don't worry. I fixed the speakers." To no one's surprise, he completely misread everyone.

"Doubt anyone will ever fix that head of his." Someone behind me muttered.

"Well Azazel? Is what he saying about the Sacred Gears checking out with you? Playing with them is your specialty." Serafall asked the leader of the Fallen skeptically.

"I'd need a copy of what he has to do some cross-checking with my own notes to verify a few minor questions of mine, but he's definitely making an argument worth noting so far. Nothing's stood out as incorrect from what I can tell." The leader of the Fallen scratched his chin as he absently examined the floating diagrams. "Everyone knows I've dabbled with Sacred Gears for a long time. Every now and then I'd come across an anomaly of sorts in them I could never identify, and I have to admit, that little receiver on dragon-type Gears has always been a footnote on my lists whenever I come across them but never got to. That said, I can back up what he claimed earlier. The signal he's talking about fed straight into where the prisoners of the draconic source of power for the Gears were. No other Sacred Gears did that, even the ones that also held the spirits of whatever nasty beast the old man managed to trap over the centuries. You ever see anything like that, Ajuka?"

"Occasionally yes, when I had the rare opportunity." The scientific Devil nodded. "It was to be expected there'd be irregularities after God's passing and the slow decay of his System. That said, the system in charge of managing the Sacred Gears still prevents me from making invasive examinations without risking potential damage to their functionality. But that does bring up a concern. How is it you have access to the System, Hyoudou?"

The otherworlder raised his right hand.

"I had a good instructor." He explained. "Thanks to him, I learned how to interact with and access God's System to a degree. Both through Gears and on the main terminal. And before anyone asks, I had permission for the latter."

"That shouldn't be possible." Gabriel directed her eyes towards Michael. "Did you really allow this boy into Heaven?"

"In a manner of speaking, I suppose I did." Her leader answered. "I believe it's obvious, given the nature of the individual we're dealing with now, but as said we're not here to talk about your history. Please, continue with your findings."

"The biggest problem is that said white noise has been running perpetually for millennia, slowly reducing dragon-kind as a whole into mad beasts the entire duration." The Sekiryuutei got to the point with a displeased frown. "It's still going even now, and its source can logically be only one place: Heaven. More specifically, it's from the very same system that manages the Sacred Gears."

"Wait." Karasuba's eyes opened as a frown crossed her face. "You're telling me the reason I've had a screaming, bloodthirsty scaled cyst of a dragon in my head for years is because of these shitheads?"

"If this signal he is speaking of is what I suspect, it wasn't meant to cause such a thing." Michael responded calmly, albeit with measured caution. "The system—"

He was interrupted by the sound of steel clashing against steel and a powerful shockwave as two powerful forces of Touki collided.

"Kara, just wait a minute." Wukong grunted while holding her sword back with his staff. "At least let him finish!"

"Who gives a damn what it was supposed to do?!" She snarled. "I'll tell you what it's done! It took my dad's arm, drove me nearly insane, and tried to force me to fight some dumbass battle over some grudge it has with another asshole!" She then broke the weapons lock as Wukong backed up a little, readying for another possible strike.

She materialized her Boosted Gear while continuing to speak. "And even if this monster wasn't batshit insane, you assholes still painted a target on my back and the back of every person you've ever given this Sacred Gear to!" Karasuba turned her gaze to the other gathered leaders. "And you shitheads aren't any better! All this bullshit talk about how you want peace and somehow people like me still get the short end of the stick. A Fallen Angel killed my brother and then a Devil used that opportunity to make him one of her Pawns all because he happened to have one of these damn things!"

Silence reigned for several moments before someone spoke up.

"Sis…" Local Issei didn't really know what else to say.

Karasuba then let out a frustrated sigh, returning her sword to her Sacred Gear and powering down her output of Touki.

"Just tell me what went wrong." She breathed out.

Michael sighed. "From what I can recall, the part of the System your friend is alluding to was meant to make dragons more docile. It was a modification made after the Heavenly Dragons were subdued. Father recognized how overwhelming an influence they were on their hosts and made an addition to the System and all dragon-based Gears to receive this signal to placate them. Make them more amicable and less hostile."

Azazel clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. "I can see where this is going. Last second edits. First second bugs."

Michael nodded. "During the war, Father was lost. Not soon afterwards, the System as a whole began to malfunction. It was difficult to notice at first, but eventually the machine degraded over the next few centuries to thousands of years. Given the long-term implications you've observed, the signal tailored to trying to pacify dragons warped to produce the opposite effect, making dragons more vicious. When we realized what was happening to the System, we tried to fix it among a litany of other issues discovered, but—"

"The only one who had full access, knowledge, and control of the System is dead and so anyone that tried was doing guesswork at best." Otherworld Issei finished knowingly. "And even after centuries of attempts, your notes, and blueprints only scratch the surface of its full systemic mapping and potential."

"Indeed." The Angel Faction leader nodded. "Admittedly, there are a few sub-systems we no longer have the capability of operating or altering as we once did. Ones that would benefit all parties here had we been able to. Even so, I still bear responsibility for what you've had to go through, Karasuba Hyoudou, and I'm willing to offer any other assistance I can. I know it won't make up for the years of torment, but you deserve some consolation after all this time."

"You want to do something for me?" Karasuba put her hands on her pockets. "Let Irina come over whenever she feels like." The grey-haired girl turned and started walking away. "Emiya, I'm heading out."

"You sure you don't want to hear the rest of this?" I asked while she passed by.

"I've heard enough bullshit for one day. Just tell me how it turns out."

"Wait for me Berserker!" Illya ran up next to her. "Let's go out and get something to eat."

"Sure." Karasuba shrugged as her Dragon Gate materialized. "Call us when you get back, Emiya."

My sister turned and, very maturely, blew a raspberry at the Angel Faction before disappearing.

"Hahaha." Azazel laughed suddenly. "Oh man, it's been ages since I've seen someone talk shit like that to all Three Factions at the same time!"

"I do feel a bit more uneasy knowing that my daughter is somewhat associated with that person." Baraqiel sighed.

"Daughter?" Issei muttered in confusion, as though being reminded of something important, before his left hand glowed brightly. "Okay. Okay. I get it. Don't get involved more than this. The less questions, the better."

For some reason, I felt as though we had just narrowly dodged a bullet with that small exchange.

"I'm just happy I got to see Illya." Shemhazai actually smiled. "Sir Emiya, would it be forward of me to ask if you'd set up a meeting with her?"

"I mean, I don't run the show or anything." I shrugged before pointing to Serafall. "My King handles all that."

"Appear at your next big meeting with a magical girl wand and we'll talk." The Maou offered.

Of course.

"Deal." The vice-governor general answered a bit too quickly for my liking. Yet another person fallen to the wiles of magical girls.

"Getting back on topic," Michael turned to out-of-town Issei, "Is the revelation that our malfunctioning system is the source of most dragon madness all you wished to talk about?"

"Partially." He revealed. "I also came here to tell you that I can fix it."

Judging from the sudden silence at the table, nobody had expected that answer.

"You believe you can fix something the entirety of the Angel Faction has been unable to repair thus far? Within the realm where the remnants of the Great Father's powers still retain potency great enough to divert even His children?" Gabriel raised an eyebrow at this declaration.

In the back of a cave, an unseen titanic beast lazily opened an eye and cast an unimpressed look down upon the Angels.

Instead of answering verbally, Issei slightly manifested his Presence and lifted an eyebrow. In spite of the fact that we were all sitting around the table, for the briefest of moments it genuinely felt as though we were all standing in front of the cave of a resting colossus that noticed our existences and didn't seem to care.

I, the Peerage leaders, and the Maous had all experienced this before, so we knew what we were in for.

The other factions, however, had not.

Understandably, they all tensed up, readying their own abilities for a possible battle. Then, as quickly as it appeared, the feeling of Presence disappeared.

"What was that?" Irina managed to stutter out, voicing essentially what nearly everyone else was thinking.

"That was a trick essentially designed to be a giant middle finger to the powers deemed to be Gods, and their like. It's how I can survive in an area where even the most powerful of your mechanisms operate, the dimensional gap, and even the undefined expanse outside if needed." Issei explained. "It's also the main tool I use to access and comprehend the systems of Heaven. However, I still need access to a form of terminal to interact with the system manually, like a Sacred Gear to get any work done. On a side note, please don't let the other Gods of this world know I can do this. Beings of their category tend to react poorly to "lessers" that can brush off their rules, and get all pissy about it as a result."

For once, I don't think he was overstating things. As far as I was concerned, Gods made everything worse.

"And yet you decided to call a meeting." Michael observed. "I take it this isn't a problem you can fix remotely, otherwise you would've done it already."

"If I could have done it that way I would have already." The otherworlder grunted. "Everything controlling and moderating the signal's in the core system. Everything external is just receiving it."

"You want us to bring you into Heaven itself and let you personally interact with the system?" Gabriel asked with narrowed eyes.

"You said it yourself, you can't fix it." Issei reminded her with a shrug. "What would I have to gain from messing with it? There's already enough problems without me doing anything. And as much as I owe the Devils, they wouldn't be able to pay me enough to make sabotaging it worthwhile. You could commission I touch it up so it'll last another couple of centuries in exchange for this if you want. I think I still have some of my old notes from when I made some fixes on the one back home."

"Kid's pitch needs work, but I don't think he's lying about his services. He doesn't seem like the type that can lie without getting caught." Azazel was clearly more curious about this development than anything.

Said kid pointed accusingly at Azazel and gave him a threatening stink-eye to shut up, but didn't say anything.

It didn't help his case in the slightest.

"It still raises the question of why you'd be willing to fix such an issue." Michael pointed out. "From what I can tell your dragon is suffering no ill-effects thus far. And I get the impression you don't intend to remain here forever."

"I'm just helping out a friend—not Berserker Gin-chan, before you ask." Issei shrugged. "Plus, fixing that signal will help guarantee our survival right now. In case you aren't aware, that signal affects Ophis too. She's nowhere near as feral where I'm from. Fixing that bug will at the very least make her slightly less murder-happy than she is now and increase our odds to negotiate to a non-zero value."

"Ah, so all reports are true." The archangel smiled, as though having found an advantage in negotiations. "Ophis is after you. Yes, that is a believable reason you'd want to fix this problem."

"Just as the fact that she's aware of the signal is a believable reason why you'd want me to fix it." The foreign Issei didn't so much as flinch.

Michael stopped smiling.

"Issei, what did you do?" I asked slowly as the mood at the table dropped sharply.

"You needed me to stall her during the Colosseum attack. So I stalled her." The teen examined his nails casually, ignoring all the stares he was getting. "Oh, she doesn't know that Heaven specifically is behind it, and she did try to play ignorant at first, but her short temper ended that bit rather quickly. But she does know that it exists for certain now, that it's somewhere that is difficult to immediately get to, and that I am supposedly in a position to potentially get to it faster."

He glanced up at the table. "And it just so happens that now everyone else here knows it as well. And isn't it just a shame that only the Devils are the ones that have to deal with her nonsense right now?"

Okay. I take back my earlier assumptions on what he was capable of. Even Rin would applaud the degree of shameless manipulation of authority this disaster just pulled. Illya will be furious when she learns what she missed out on.

It wasn't often that I saw Sirzechs, Serafall, and Ajuka get caught flatfooted all at the same time with technically good news. After all, our guest had essentially just given them the means to sic Ophis on Heaven whenever they damn well pleased.

"Well, this escalated quickly." Azazel blinked in equal surprise, looking at all parties at the table. "I guess the ball's in the Maous' court."

"As tempting as it is to influence the Ouroboros in any capacity, I believe I speak for all of us when I say it would be best if none of us played with fire none of us can control. Especially in such unstable times." Ajuka gave his fellow Devils a side glance.

"Agreed. We have our hands full with the Sekiryuutei. Ophis is just laughable." Serafall shook her head.

"So long as Heaven allows our guest to do what he claims, I am more than willing to forget this function of the system even exists." Sirzechs crossed his arms. "Though I will make note of this turn of events for later."

"Stalled a proactive Ophis. Specifically aiming for my head. Solo." Issei couldn't resist being a smartass, I guess.

"I wasn't exactly idle either." I frowned.

"You would have done a better job stalling by just cooking lunch in front of her." He gave me a dead stare that made me regret speaking up, reminding me just how effective my Noble Phantasms and Reality Marble were.

Clearly he was still holding a bit of a grudge.

"Give it up Sirzechs. Even I think it's a waste of time trying to bullshit your way around that argument." Azazel scoffed before turning to the Angel delegation. "Just give the kid what he wants Michael. Even you can tell he's tired of this nonsense. The sooner he touches up the System, the sooner we all have a chance of calming the Ouroboros down. It's not like you're not benefiting from it."

"Less Ophis constantly hearing madness-inducing white noise equals genuine possibility to negotiate an early end to Khaos Brigade chunni nonsense." Issei reminded everyone.

"Chunni?" Gabriel echoed in confusion. "Is that some sort of slur?"

"It's Japanese slang for Eighth Grade syndrome." Serafall sighed. "He's basically calling the Khaos Brigade overdramatic children trying to look cool."

"At least it isn't Weaboo." Rias muttered under her breath.

"Well if the name fits. And the costumes. And their half-baked goals. And the ages of their leaders." Azazel chuckled as he began listing off all the evidence.

"If we can get back on topic." Michael sighed before turning to Issei again. "Unwelcome motivation aside, so long as you can give a binding vow that you can repair the issue at hand, along with a promise you will not damage or sabotage Heaven in any way during your efforts, in conjunction with following all of our security procedures, then I suppose we can arrange for you to access Father's chambers for a time."

"Clap a chastity belt on me or whatever you have to do while you're at it." The foreign Issei waved dismissively. "The sooner this gets done the sooner everyone can breathe a bit more."

"You'll come alone." Gabriel added before turning to the Maous. "Will that be acceptable?"

"He can take care of himself," Serafall commented while leaning back, "So long as Ophis doesn't learn he's up there."

"We shall do our utmost to conceal him." Michael assured with a bow. "And should he cause trouble, we can eject him back to Earth."

"That would not be the first time I was given that threat." The Boosted Gear holder sighed, putting his documents back into his Sacred Gear's storage. "Look, the sooner you get me up there the sooner I'll be able to leave the place."

"Very well then." The lead angel nodded. "Let's finish up with any minor details and solve this long-standing problem."

Funny thing about minor details: they can be a real pain in the ass later down the line.

And so the real truth behind dragon madness has been revealed! Now for clarification, Third Fang had to take a few liberties with the reasons behind their madness as I don't believe Fahad ever got around to explaining them in his fic. Let me know what you thought of the explanation in your comments and reviews along with what you liked/disliked or if you've got any neat ideas for future chapters! Be sure to stop in next time as our heroes make their next move in the war against the Khaos Brigade! 'Til then.