Accidental Engine of Destruction
Hello everyone, it's here at last, the latest chapter of I'm Too Sober For This! Apologies for the delay, school's in session and that's affected some of the scheduling. If you've been keeping up with the updates on Pat reon you should be in the know. But it's here now and I think you'll find it entertaining! So, without further ado, and with no guest review questions to answer, to the chapter we go!
Heaven: The Land of the Angels
"Yep, looks like the one back home." The otherworld Issei glanced around the entrance to God's private quarters where the System was currently being kept. Despite the rare privilege he was being given that most would kill for, he didn't seem to be elated about his predicament in the slightest, instead looking at the blinding white entranceway like a bored middle-aged handyman while picking at his ears the entire time. "Do you also keep the system controls a little further back?"
"It's honestly hard to know how to answer that." Michael mused, his perpetually passive expression making it hard to tell what his true thoughts were on the matter. "If the layout here is the same as the one back in your world, that answer would be yes. But I don't how much further you mean when you say 'further back?'"
"Well, considering that the place is a localized enclosed divine space created by a global-tier spiritual overseer entity that passed away some time back, throw in the state and rate of functional deterioration, elevation, quality of holy energy, notable stress in the physical external frame indication potential destabilization, factor in the patchwork jobs you guys did and the fact that the source is still worshiped and receiving spiritual support from a good portion of the masses… ah, forget it." The Sekiryuutei waved dismissively the second he noticed the curious look that the Angel was giving him. "Ballparking abstract estimates is pointless when I'll just get a better idea when I see it in person in two minutes anyways."
"Will it be a problem?" Michael got to the point.
"For most? Probably. Not for me, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place." Issei yawned before frowning and picking at his ears some more.
"You sound confident."
The last Angel that wandered in Gods domain and managed to escape alive was rendered an unstable wreck, having supposedly been lost in the chambers for over a century, or seven if her claims were remotely accurate.
"I've done the job before and I still have the notes of what I did on me, so the time should be a fraction of what it was before." The teen turned his attention to the cloud-white marble arches that surrounded the gateway as though he was inspecting something peculiar.
"That's awfully convenient given the circumstances."
"I keep copies of all the important and sensitive projects I've worked on before on me, just in case. Most people think it's stupid to paint a target on myself like that. Most people also haven't seen me collapse a mountain to make a damn point, and then burn my way through the Dimensional Gap an hour-slash-time-dilated six months later."
Issei briefly wondered if the spot that he clawed out of the Gap was still sealed off or if the Factions had managed to mend the damage there yet?
His fire was nowhere near as vicious as Ghost's, thankfully, but it had taken on some of the latter's more potent qualities after holding the asshole in his soul for so long. It was why he usually refrained from using it. Especially in this world. Last thing he needed was the extra attention.
The incident did happen when he was only ten. It was a pretty small hole. Maybe they just hid it?
"You burned your way out of the Gap?"
"Then again, dimensional contamination exposure protocols are a thing for a reason. That damn rash took forever to get rid of." The teen seriously pondered out loud, completely distracted and forgetting where he was.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Freaking itchy… huh? What? Oh, yeah. Uh, it was a very long and stressful day. And a Tuesday." Judging from Issei's annoyed expression at the memory, Michael had little doubt about it.
"Speaking of stressful, Partner, do you mind doing something about that blasted noise already?" Ddraig cut into the conversation with a strained grunt.
"Noise?"
Issei picked at his ears and sighed. "The signal. Modification or not, we're right next to the source, so it's hitting us something fierce. Feels like a combination of shearing metal, rubbing styrofoam, and static right next to my skull. If my theory about the source's location wasn't confirmed before, it is now."
With a flick of his wrist, the Sekiryuutei took out a holy shroud that resembled the one on his right arm and wrapped it around his left, presumably to shield Ddraig from the signal's influence. Michael noted that the dragon's aura was suppressed by the cloth in the process, but judging from the boy's actions and personality, it would not affect matters much.
What surprised the Angel more was when the guest clapped his hands over his ears loudly, pulling them back to reveal spots of blood on his palms.
"Haaaah. Much better." In spite of blowing out his ear drums, the boy looked satisfied and relieved. Apparently, he had been understating just how uncomfortable it was for him to be this close to the signal.
Michael blinked, his normally passive expression had faltered to one of mild surprise and concern. "Are you alright?"
Issei nodded, despite being quite deaf now, moving his hands in a complex, yet familiar pattern. "I can heal it later. I can't read lips well, but I do know common sign language well enough."
Slowly, the Seraph's hands moved in a similar pattern to communicate back. "You are certainly among the most unique dragons I have met in some time. Do you need any assistance?"
"No. I should be all good to get started, the sooner the better." Issei shook his head while replying both physically and verbally. "Out of curiosity, is Gabriel around?"
"I'm afraid she's out teaching Irina at the moment. I don't think she'll be back before you finish. Is there a problem we should be worried about?"
"I'm not the one who needs to worry about complications." Issei sighed. "Right about now the others are probably having a way harder time than me. Plot armor or not."
Michael was starting to see why Serafall had warned him multiple times about how confusing his guest could be at—why did that crowbar and electric drill engraver that boy just manifested have holy scriptures on them?
The Underworld: Battlefield
Black lightning branched out in multiple directions towards the sky, incinerating two whole squads of soldiers with the Power of Destruction and dropping them like charred insects.
"Akeno." Rias called with the communication seal on her ear. "How are you holding up on your end?"
The sound of a thunderclap echoed through her ear before she heard her Queen's voice.
"I'm holding out well enough." She assured as another flash of electricity leapt out from her position and downed several enemy soldiers who'd been advancing towards her. "It helps that we're receiving a bit of extra magic. Remind me to thank Emiya-san's new Bishop for allowing me to prolong the suffering of these fools."
More lightning followed as her Queen's devious laughter could be heard mixed in with the cries of pain.
"It's not just the work of Kuroka alone that's allowing you to stay charged." Sona's voice chimed in on the communication line. "Momo is also lending her strength to those she can. By the way, my other Bishop, Reya, just informed me that another wave is coming in on the left flank."
"Kiba, Bennia, did you hear that?" Rias asked, receiving an affirmative from both Knights. "And where's Issei?"
"I'm already here on the ground." The Twice Critical user joined in. "It's just more foot soldiers right now so I think the other soldiers and I can take… oh shit."
"What is it?" The Gremory Heiress suspected there might be a troublesome player showing up given what she'd heard about the presence of people like Cao Cao and Arthur Pendragon on the field, but she'd hoped her Pawn would be someone they'd ignore.
"We've got a Hero Faction member!" Issei yelled.
Local Issei's Section of the Battlefield
He cursed while dodging a slash made of holy energy. "This is stupid! How did you manage to break through to one of the most fortified parts of the line!?"
"Don't underestimate me." The blonde swordswoman, Jeanne, warned as she approached, swinging her sword to unleash more holy slashes that carved through several Maou soldiers.
She'd brought a good number of her own soldiers and now the two sides were engaged in ferocious combat, leaving only Issei to face the Hero Faction member.
"Even if I'm not the most powerful, I am still the descendant of a hero! Behold!" She held her signature rapier to the sky. "Blade Blacksmith: Sword Creation!" Her Sacred Gear activated, causing large formations of jagged steel to rise up from the ground in multiple areas across the immediate battlefield.
Or to be more precise, she'd summoned masses of holy swords clustered together. Those not fast enough to get out of the way were either impaled or injured by the formations while numerous soldiers on both sides moved away from the sacred blades due to the aura they radiated.
"Oh, come on! More swords again?!" Local Issei griped and got to his feet. "From what I heard, the other guys mopped the floor with you, since when can you do something like that!? Shouldn't you, I dunno, go after the other five to ten people here that can do the exact same thing?!"
"Fool." Jeanne pointed her sword at him while narrowing her eyes. "I merely had the misfortune of meeting the strongest of your warriors. A misfortune that doesn't seem to be repeating itself this time. Now it's your misfortune!" She raised her sword to strike.
"Ah shit."
[BOOST!]
The Twice Critical user leapt to dodge and doubled the distance he would travel, just managing to evade the swordswoman's attack as he hit the ground and rolled another few feet. He didn't let his momentum stop and scampered away on all fours as Jeanne continued to cut up the ground just behind him.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIIIIIIIT!"
Another slash of holy energy tossed him into the air before he landed on his back. Thinking quickly, Issei grabbed a nearby rock as Jeanne jumped up with the intention of skewering him.
Just as he was about to act, however, the clanging sound of metal meeting metal caused him to blink as a small figure appeared in between them.
"I don't think so, Frenchie." Bennia remarked as they broke the weapons lock and landed a few feet away from each other. "This little Reaper says it's not this pervert's time."
"Thank you Bennia!" Local Issei had tears of joy falling from his eyes. If she wasn't so busy fighting, he'd have grabbed onto her shapely legs and hugged them in pure gratitude already.
"Oh good." Jeanne smiled. "I was worried when I encountered that little brat. But it's nice to see there's someone here who looks like they know how to fight."
"I also know how to shave my pits." The half-Reaper snarked. "Why exactly do French women not do that?"
"That is a blatant stereotype!" The Khaos Brigade girl stamped her foot petulantly. "I'll have you know I am extremely well-groomed!"
"Yeah, the other Issei can vouch for that." Bennia smiled mischievously.
"Heh-heh-heh, shaved." Despite making progress, Issei Hyoudou wasn't Issei Hyoudou unless he was a pervert, and he was not one to let a dirty thought or entendre escape his notice.
"And here I was trying to be polite." A tick mark appeared on the swordswoman's head. "But no matter, I'll teach you both respect!"
She shot forward and clashed her rapier against Bennia's scythe once again.
The two became blurs as they flitted from one spot to the next, the rapier wielder's footwork being put to the test by the Reaper's incredible speed and agility. When Jeanne tried a series of jabs with her sword, Bennia countered by twirling her scythe skillfully around her body. The Knight then retaliated with several vertical slashes of her weapon that were parried by Jeanne.
When Jeanne came back in with a horizontal strike, Bennia flipped over her head and landed on her sword as it completed its strike. Jeanne summoned a second sword to block the blow aimed at her head before tossing the Knight off.
"Sword Creation!" The Khaos Brigade member called, summoning more spires of clustered holy swords. Bennia used her scythe to hit the spire and change direction in midair before planting the weapon under her feet to safely land on and kick off the next spire that was summoned.
Jeanne charged in, aiming to hit the half-Reaper where she was going to land. Fortunately, Bennia summoned her scythe back to her hand and knocked the rapier away as she hit the ground. The fencer attempted to follow up with a horizontal strike and nearly smiled in glee when her sword seemed to finally hit her opponent, only to be immediately disappointed as it passed through an after-image.
"You'll have to move faster than that." Bennia taunted as multiple after-images began appearing around her opponent.
"Such an annoying pest." Jeanne started sprouting swords from the ground, one after the other, in an attempt to trip up Bennia while Issei continued to watch.
'Come on, you spineless prick.' He tried to psyche himself up. 'Even if it's just a quick distraction, that should be all Bennia needs to finish this fight.'
Indeed, the little Reaper was still managing to launch the occasional attack despite keeping up her after-images and dodging around more and more sword spikes. So Issei waited for Jeanne to turn her back for a moment and rushed in, his Sacred Gear at the ready. Just as the swordswoman was deflecting the latest attack, he dove in while Bennia was retreating.
[BOOST! Dress Break!]
His hand touched Jeanne's armor and caused it to blast apart along with her clothes, leaving the woman, once again, in her birthday suit.
"Nailed it!" Issei jumped back and gave a thumbs up to his fellow Peerage member. "All yours Bennia!"
But for some reason, she'd stopped attacking.
"Issei," the half-Reaper pointed at their opponent, "I don't think you should've done that."
The Twice Critical user wasn't that great at sensing magic, so he hadn't noticed it at first. But suddenly, a furious aura radiated out from their opponent, kicking up dust as the woman roared in anger.
"Again, you and your ilk dare to humiliate me again!" Jeanne snarled as black, translucent snakes suddenly emerged and wrapped around her body. "I was saving this snake from Ophis as a last resort, but I've decided it shall be the instrument of your suffering! STAKE VICTIM DRAGON!"
Holy swords materialized around the Khaos Brigade member, melding to her body and lifting it into the air.
More summoned holy swords were added to the mix, grafting together to form a towering monstrosity. It was the body of a dragon made entirely of blades, but where it's head should be, Jeanne's upper body was visible with some of the swords acting as a second covering for her upper body while the rest of her lower body looked like it had fused with her creation.
"Issei get back!" Bennia pushed him away just as the enraged woman unleashed a volley of holy slashes in seemingly every direction. A few of them impacted against the ground, sending the Reaper flying from the blast and out of sight while the Twice Critical wielder curled up into a fetal position to avoid the rest of the onslaught.
When it finally ceased, Issei slowly looked up to see the sword beast looming over him.
"I am going to rip off every part of your body that you use for pleasuring yourself." Jeanne spoke slowly, a touch of insanity now in her voice. "And then I'm going to send what's left of you back so that everyone can see what happens when you try to lust after the wrong maiden. I hope you're prepared, you degenerate look-alike."
Now, Issei had a number of comebacks and insults he'd written down for the occasion of facing the Khaos Brigade, hoping to get a few good one-liners in before a likely painful death.
But now, as he gazed at this dragon woman with a body of swords, the only thing that came out of his mouth was a high-pitched squeal.
Survival instincts kicked in and the Twice Critical wielder bolted, running off in a random direction.
"You won't escape me!" Jeanne stomped after him, her draconic body slower and clumsier than her normal body, but her charge carried the force of a stampede.
"Wow, what a brave soldier we have." Bennia sighed from her position in Kiba's arms. "Thanks for the save, by the way."
"Sorry I didn't get here sooner." Kiba set her down. "I was taking out the enemy reinforcements until our troops were able to recover."
"You're here now." The Reaper rested her scythe on her shoulder. "And it looks like they've got things handled back there for the moment, so let's go get our resident pervert before he gets mauled."
Another Section of the Battlefield
"So, you don't think this is weird?" One of the Maou soldiers asked his compatriot.
"It's normal for a Rook to be physically strong." His colleague groaned.
"I know, it's just…" The soldier tried to think of how to phrase the question. "I guess I just never imagined being hauled around by a teeny tiny schoolgirl."
"A schoolgirl with very good hearing." Koneko replied.
She was actually carrying a whole bunch of them above her head right now while crossing the battlefield. Medical evac hadn't been her first choice as far as roles went, but they'd beaten back the enemy reinforcements surprisingly quickly thanks to the combined might of herself, much of Sona's Peerage, and Shirou's Pawns taking out the commanders. This was how she wound up with her current temporary role, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't eager to get to fighting the rest of the Khaos Brigade.
Which is why she opted for a bit of an unorthodox approach when arriving at the medical tents.
"Here we go." The nekoshou stopped and wound up, making the other soldiers whimper in terror at what was about to happen.
"YEET!" Koneko unceremoniously threw the collection of soldiers she'd been carrying into the medical tent before hurrying off to find more wounded. Every time she got a large enough load, the Rook would return to the tents and throw them in.
"Nyah! Meow! Hiss! Purr!" She also blurted out a different feline phrase every time she threw a group in, "Growl! Sniff! Scratch! Uh… cat noises!"
'Damn, I'll need to think up a different list. I have to up my game to get back at that jerk.' She mused while carrying her latest load.
Unfortunately, it would have to wait as some Khaos Brigade soldiers who'd been playing dead nearby suddenly sprang up.
"Shit." The nekoshou cursed before jumping up and kicking the nearest one in the face. Her hands were occupied carrying the latest group of wounded, meaning she could only dodge and kick while trying not to drop any of them. So she lashed out with one kick after another, using her enemies as springboards to continue her race to the medical tent.
Unfortunately, some of them finally decided to get smart and started casting magic seals on the ground that acted like mines. Koneko had to maneuver around the vast number of them popping up and that left her vulnerable to a group of three charging up an attack. It was a type of scatter attack that would already be difficult to dodge without carrying a load.
'Guess I'm gonna have to get creative.' She readied to toss the soldiers up.
But just as she was about to act, her fellow Peerage member came racing by with a very high-pitched scream.
He was also saying something, but it was so incoherent that she couldn't make it out even with her cat-like hearing.
"Issei?" A confused Koneko thought aloud as the equally confused Khaos Brigade soldiers also watched him run by.
They then began screaming when they looked to their left to find an angry dragon with a woman for a head who bulldozed through them without even slowing down.
"Face my wrath you perverted peasant!"
Koneko could only stare after them for a bit, wondering what stupid thing had happened to lead to such circumstances, before shrugging and racing back to the medical tents.
Yet Another Section of the Battlefield
"RAAAAAAAAGH!" Xenovia and Siegfried roared as their blades collided with each other yet again, the energy flying wildly from their weapons and carving up the ground beneath them before they separated and backed up a few feet.
"How are you still standing?" The Hero Faction member seethed. "It took you time to defeat Perseus at the stadium, how are you keeping up with me?!"
"To start with, I put myself through more intense training since that last exchange." Xenovia brandished her sword. "But I will admit that I am not, as you might have assumed, alone in this bout. Our newest Bishop has been granting me strength from afar. Thanks to her, I have all the magic power I need to match your numerous blades."
"You think so?!" Magical energy began pouring out from the Khaos Brigade member's swords. "Why don't we put that to the test!"
"Very well!" Red energy shot into the sky from Clarent as Xenovia held it aloft. "I intended to prove myself a worthy Knight of my lord this day, so let this be the moment!"
The many soldiers who'd moved away to keep from getting caught in the crossfire stopped and stared at the spectacle, no doubt feeling the winner of this bout would determine who advanced and who retreated.
"Now!" Siegfried pulled his swords back. "This is the—GAH!"
And was then interrupted by the sudden appearance of Issei flying in before jumping on his head and using it as a springboard to leap off of, screaming like a terrified prepubescent girl the entire time.
"What the shit?! How dare you interrupt our bout you little ra—AAAAAAAARGH!" Because he'd turned to yell at the Twice Critical user, he unfortunately didn't notice his teammate's dragon form stampeding toward him until it was too late.
In an instant he was trampled by his fellow Khaos Brigade member, who was currently so fixated on killing Issei that she was unable to distinguish friend from foe. When the dust cleared, the multi-armed swordsman was buried in a crater shaped liked a dragon's footprint, quietly groaning. As for Xenovia and everyone else, they could only tilt their heads in confusion at what had just happened.
And Yet Another Section of the Battlefield
With the activation of the True Longinus's Balance Breaker, a divine halo had formed behind Cao Cao accompanied by seven identical floating orbs.
"You should consider this an honor." The Hero Faction's leader stated once the transformation ended. "Not only are you facing my Balance Breaker, but its subspecies. I have not used this form in battle in some time."
"You do seem like the kind of stiff who'd have a hard time showing a girl your balls." Karasuba snarked. "You didn't even ask me out on a date yet. Sorry, but I don't swing that way."
"You still have such bravado even now." Cao Cao smiled wickedly. "Let's see if you can still laugh after this. Cakkaratana!"
One of the floating orbs glowed.
The next thing Karasuba knew, her sword disintegrated.
"Shit." The Red Dragon Emperor instinctively leapt to the side, another sword already in her hand. But like its predecessor, it disintegrated shortly after being summoned. The same thing happened no matter how many times Karasuba dodged out of the way.
"It doesn't matter how you dodge." The Hero Faction leader smirked. "The power of Cakkaratana, the Wheel Treasure, is to destroy weapons. And it is but the first of my seven treasures, each one possessing its own unique ability."
"Unique, huh?" Karasuba summoned another one of her many nodachis.
[Boost!]
Once again, the Wheel Treasure glowed, and this time the grey-haired girl noticed the power enveloping her weapon to destroy it. Only this time, the weapon didn't break.
"What?" Cao Cao narrowed his eyes. "It can't be."
"Looks like your wheely boy there has an upper limit to the weapons it can destroy." The swordswoman pointed her blade at him. "If someone has enough strength and skill, it can be overcome."
"Very good." A tick mark appeared on the spearman's head. "Let's see how skilled you are! Gahapatiratana!" Another one of the orbs glowed, this time summoning up several shadowy figures resembling Cao Cao but with no faces and all of whom were wielding spears. "Behold, the power of the Householder Treasure!"
"You are not the first person to summon a small army against me." Karasuba reminded before setting her sword and body ablaze once more. "Let me show you how well it went the first time! Dragon Shot!"
A massive fireball went flying towards the Hero Faction leader, but was blocked as several of the soldiers formed up in a phalanx formation, taking the blow and disintegrating from the intense flames. The dragon girl went to work then, spinning among the dozens of summoned soldiers with her blade extending and retracting. From a distance it was like watching a small flaming tornado leaping about, setting ablaze any of the soldiers who got too close.
As this happened, Cao Cao moved among his shadowy troops, searching for an opening to attack. He found it when Karasuba landed on the ground and sliced through several more soldiers in a quick series of horizontal swings, disintegrating the summons. He jumped up and poised his spear to strike her in the back. But once again, her senses served to warn her as she whirled around and fired another large fireball at almost point-blank range.
"Maniratana!" The spearman called as another one of his treasures glowed. As soon as Karasuba's attack got close, it veered off course and flew off towards another section of the battlefield where it exploded. "I'm impressed, most can't spot me so easily among my soldiers."
"I learned how to stalk around silently years ago." She replied as her flames died down a bit. "Don't think you can sneak up on me so easily. And I'm just guessing here, but does that orb you use ward off attacks?"
"The Pearl Treasure." Cao Cao pointed at said sphere. "It has the ability to change the direction of an attack sent at the user. Between this and my soldiers, you won't be able to touch me."
"You think so?" Karasuba smiled evilly. "And what makes you think I've shown you every trick I have?"
The scales on the Red Dragon Emperor's body suddenly stood on end as her body ignited yet again. The Longinus wielder readied his spear and moved to disappear back into his crowd of soldiers.
But he wouldn't get far.
[Boost!]
A sudden pressure slammed into Cao Cao's back and forced him to the ground.
'Did she just boost the airspace itself?' He wondered while trying to get back up. He had just enough of a view to see Karasuba's next attack coming as all of her scales suddenly shot out in all directions.
And then they caught fire mid-flight, because why not?
[Boost!]
The lethal flaming projectiles flew even faster, tearing into every last one of Cao Cao's soldiers and disintegrating them. The ones that didn't kill his soldiers either flew high into the air and fizzled out or embedded themselves in the ground, giving the appearance that the ground itself was ablaze for several seconds before going out.
"Hah." Karasuba sighed with a fanged and sadistic smile. "I don't get to use them often, but those are some of my better tricks. Oh look, you're still alive."
Cao Cao rose to a half-kneeling position, supporting himself with his spear while breathing heavily. "You bitch…"
He'd made a last-second move of desperation and blasted the ground apart beneath him, using his barrier to protect himself from the majority of the barrage. He still wound up with a number of cuts and burns despite this move. Redirecting attacks intended for him was one matter, redirecting the effects of being the middle of an area-of-effect inferno was another.
"I guess since you've been calling out names this whole time I should at least name one." The dragon girl mused for a moment. "How about… Goannafuckyoself? Does that sound like a good one?"
"That does not sound even vaguely Hindu." He growled.
"I'm new to it." Karasuba shrugged. "And it's not like you're gonna be good for feedback after this."
She raised her sword but was suddenly blinded by a light from another one of his treasures.
"I didn't think I'd need to use this but I refuse to be humiliated any further!" Cao Cao declared. "Behold one of my most powerful treasures: Itthiratana!"
Karasuba didn't feel any kind of attack, but she did notice something odd when the light faded.
"What the shit?" The dragon scales and enhanced muscle that had covered her body were now gone. Somehow she'd reverted back to her normal state.
"Behold the power of Itthiratana, the Female Treasure." The True Longinus wielder explained. "The special abilities of all women are halted when it is activated."
"Are you fucking serious?" Karasuba stomped her foot in exasperation. "Instead of having a power dampener that affects everyone, you decided to wield the power of weaponized sexism?! What kind of bullshit reasoning is that?!"
"Normally, I'd explain its ancient origins to save some face, but it's not like you're going to be good for feedback after this." Cao Cao smirked before firing off a few blasts of holy power at the dragon girl.
She dodged out of the way, grateful that she was still able to call upon her Touki to fight, but it was all she could do at the moment.
"I see what you did there." Karasuba quipped while continuing to dodge the now far more painful holy attacks. "But we were arguing about naming at—GAH!"
Cao Cao still had his own enhanced speed and quickly moved to where she was in the air, destroying her sword with a swing of his spear before kicking her down to the ground below, cratering it. Somehow the silver-haired girl managed to free herself and flip out of the way as he impaled the ground where she had just been before swinging his weapon towards her.
The Red Dragon Emperor again flipped over and away from the attack but it was so close to hitting her feet that her shoes got destroyed and the slight sting of holy magic made her wince in pain.
"You can see why I waited to use this treasure." The Hero Faction leader relaxed a little as Karasuba landed a few feet away. "It's no contest now. So, any last words before I end you, monster?"
"Yeah." Karasuba took a fighting stance. "You owe me new shoes, asshole."
"An irritation to the end." Cao Cao frowned before readying his spear. "So be it. Die by the Power of L—GAAAAAAH!" He was interrupted as a blur suddenly came flying out of nowhere, ramming him right in the side of the face.
"Worm?" Karasuba tilted her head as her brother landed on the ground. "What are you doing here?"
He was back up in an instant and took off at a dead sprint.
"Running for my life and you should be too!" He yelled back as his sister looked on in confusion while an irritated Cao Cao glared after him.
"How dare you interrupt my slaying of—AAAAAAAARGH!" The spearman was again interrupted by the dragonified Jeanne stampeding over him.
"I shall cleanse this world of your perverted filth!" She roared while running after Local Issei.
"I shouldn't be surprised that his being a pervert was going to get him killed someday." Karasuba sighed before noticing Cao Cao was getting back up. "Anyway, where were we?"
"I am going to have a very severe word with Jeanne later." He seethed while getting to his feet. "But for now, I'm going to kill… oh come the fuck on!"
He was suddenly bombarded by multiple fire blasts as a hydra crested the nearby hill.
"Feel the wrath of the Wigglebutt!" Asia declared from atop the center head of her hydra. "For the food stocks! And the organs!"
Several of the hydra heads roared in agreement while the others settled for setting the landscape ablaze.
"You brought that thing." The swordswoman noted, too tired to be surprised at this point.
"Not just her." Shirou Emiya suddenly appeared near Karasuba. "The rest of us have handled our opponents as well."
As he said this, Xenovia, Kuroka, his Pawns, Rias and all but three members of her Peerage, along with Sona and most of her Peerage arrived. Each one of them readying an attack.
"Emiya Shirou, how…?" Cao Cao waved his spear to put out the rest of the flames around him. "I thought Arthur Pendragon was facing you?"
"Funny story about that." The Queen of Swords pointed one of his twin blades at the Longinus Wielder. "Did you know we both have sisters?"
A Few Minutes Ago
"Not that I'm complaining," I stood a few feet away from Arthur Pendragon, "But are you really going to just head off and leave things this way?"
"You'll recall I'm a member of Vali's faction." He replied while adjusting his glasses. "We don't have the same goals as the rest of the Khaos Brigade: we merely joined them out of convenience and to have more freedoms compared to the rest of the rank and file. As I stated before, I was merely curious about your prowess as a swordsman, and I was ordered to gather data on you. I believe Vali will be fine with how things have turned out here and besides, we have other matters to attend to." He glanced down at his sister, whom was currently tucked under his arm.
"You're not wrong." I looked down at Illya, tucked securely under my own arm. "Our little sisters were fighting more fiercely than we were."
"I'll shove that hat so far down your throat you'll be pulling rabbits out of your ass!" My sister snarled while waving her arms angrily.
"I'll take that string your birds are made of and turn you into a damn mummy!" Le Fay Pendragon shot back while also struggling in her brother's grasp.
"Oh, you aren't planning on strangling her?" Arthur laughed. "I guess that's progress."
"Screw that! I'm gonna fuck her up! I'm gonna go Madoka Magica on her ass!" The blond witch declared indignantly.
"Bring it on!" Illya challenged. "I've got a whole jar of jagged nails and broken glass with your name on it!"
"Well as far as first meetings with potential opponents go, this one was at least pleasant." I turn to leave, ignoring my sister's vehement threats of further torment to her new rival. "Let's have a proper meeting next time."
"With luck, we'll meet under better circumstances." Arthur nodded. "Though I should warn you to be careful. You prove yourself too strong and Vali might want to fight you himself."
"I'll keep that in mind." We both turned and headed off after that. The Pendragon descendant ordered a full retreat of his troops, giving us the battle this time.
"Jailbait!"
"Loli trap!"
"You drink tea adding the milk before the hot water!"
"SAY WHAT?! Bitch I'll kill you!"
We really should have moved a bit faster in hindsight.
The Present
"It took a minute for me to get Illya somewhere that she couldn't get out of and go chasing after Le Fay." I finished my explanation.
Cao Cao narrowed his eyes and looked around at the gathered enemies. "I take it this means many of my other allies have been defeated?"
"The majority of the troops you sent are in the process of being routed as we speak." Sona adjusted her glasses. "It seems they lost their momentum once their leaders, your fellow Hero Faction members, were addressed."
"EEEEEK!"
BOOM!
There was a brief pause as the sound of Jeanne's rampage and attempt to murder the local Issei took place in the background undisturbed.
"Most of the Hero Faction members were addressed." Sona amended her comment.
"I see." the Longinus Wielder gave a frustrated sigh and released his transformation. "Very well, Devils, you have won the battle this day. But don't think for a second this war is over."
In a flash of light he teleported away.
We waited for a few moments to make sure he wasn't about to pull a fast one before finally relaxing a little. "Is everyone okay?" I asked while turning to the others.
"Other than this stinging sensation from holy power I'm fine." Karasuba shrugged. "Not the first time I've been knocked around a bit."
"Mostly scrapes and bruises to report here, my lord." Xenovia knelt. "but I can still fight if need be."
"Only some minor injuries here and there for us and Sona's Peerage." Rias answered for both of them. "But Issei is still in danger. Kiba and Bennia are chasing after him, but…"
"I'll deal with it." I assured while turning to go. "Asia, start healing."
"Okaaaay~" She waved from her perch on the hydra.
"And put that thing away." I added.
"Awww, but Miss Wigglebutt was just playing." Asia whined.
"You're lucky we don't have time to argue about this." I sighed before turning and racing off. It wasn't hard to follow the path of destruction which had been left in Jeanne's wake.
About the Same Time
"How many times do I have to tell you it was a legitimate battle tactic?!" Issei cried while continuing to run for his life.
"Then me violating you with a thousand swords is also a viable battle tactic!" The enraged Jeanne shot back while continuing to chase after him. She summoned more towers of swords while also dropping blades she summoned in midair. Issei had to use every dodge, roll, evasive maneuver, and unorthodox move he knew of to keep from getting skewered.
He didn't know how long he'd been running for or how far, but he was certain that a long path of swords was being left in their wake. But it was getting more and more difficult to dodge as exhaustion finally started to get to him. Add on to that the fact that she was throwing holy blades at him that sapped his remaining strength little by little, and it was only a matter of time before he was finally sent flying through the air by an emerging tower of swords.
"Ah."
And just like that, a single shifting rock resulted in him landing on his head, hard.
"Ow." He struggled to stand, noting he'd taken a few cuts that time, and they burned like shit. The Twice Critical wielder looked up as the descendant of the Maiden of Orleans slowed down, stomping towards him while breathing heavily.
"I'll kill you." She wheezed. "I'll gouge out your perverted eyes and take your lustful hands."
"Can't we just talk about this?" Issei crawled backwards slowly. "There's already a girl I like, and I was just doing what I was taught."
"Then I'll be sure to end your teacher next!" Jeanne raised her front dragon foot upwards. "Death to all per—!"
SLICE!
It happened in the span of a couple seconds. Kiba and Bennia suddenly appeared on either side of her, their curved blades meeting her neck. The next thing she knew, they pulled and the weapons tore into one of the few parts her swords weren't protecting, causing her head to go flying.
As the two Knights landed on either side of him, Issei watched as the swords quickly disintegrated and Jeanne's body fell to the ground.
Then, her head landed in front of him.
Issei let out one final squeal of terror before promptly passing out.
"Guess he's not into amputees." The Reaper remarked.
"Really, Bennia?" Kiba gave her a flat look.
The Aftermath: Back at the War Camp
"Swords are scary." Issei trembled while Irina patted his head. She hadn't been allowed to participate in the battle as the Angels weren't supposed to be getting involved in a Devil civil war. That didn't mean she couldn't stop by and check on everyone, however. The angel girl had heard about his exploits on the battlefield and, after seeing his currently sorry state, decided to reward him with a lap pillow.
It just went to show how out of it the pervert was that he wasn't lusting or embracing the girl's bare thighs despite the exposure and opportunity.
"I'm still not sure what was more destructive out there today." Rias sighed. "Asia and that hydra or Issei being chased by Jeanne?"
"Nya-haha!" Shirone popped up. "It's gonna be hard for them to show their faces after being flattened by their own teammate, or a hydra with the name Wigglebutt!"
"I'm more surprised that Illya made a friend today." I remarked while taking a swig from a much needed beer. "But I can't say it was an unwelcome surprise."
"Let me at the bitch!" Illya demanded as she held up her fists with the twisted nails between her fingers.
"That's good. Unfortunately, I have to explain to my parents, again, why I don't have shoes." Karasuba sighed in annoyance. "It took me long enough to convince Mom I wasn't being bullied."
Several people snorted at that, myself included.
"No one can bully Berserker!" Illya declared while hugging her friend's waist, the nails somehow already stored away, "I'm sure we can find you some spare shoes."
"We should probably work on treating Issei's condition before your parents see him again." I pointed out.
"I personally didn't think he'd get scared of swords." My Queen mused. "He grew up with me, after all, how did that Jeanne girl traumatize him?"
"Were you ever naked when you threatened him with a sword? And did you do it with just one sword?" a voice called out from among the other soldiers.
Karasuba's eye twitched, and I was sure that, had she still been on a total battle-high, she might have snapped. Instead, she gave that weird smile of hers and replied, "Would the one who said that please come out?" A sword appeared in her hands. "I promise I'll make it quick."
A lie. A damned dirty life.
Sighing, I finished the beer and approached her.
A king's work is never done.
o. o. o
Omake: Why Koneko Needs to Up Her Game
"Nya-hahaha!" The white Nekoshou laughed happily among her Peerage members in the kitchen, just as the foreign Issei walked in to grab something from the fridge.
"Against my better judgement, what's got Catnip there so hyped?"
"Catnip?" Some of the Peerage members asked, confused.
"Hmph, I would nyat expect you to understyand, pervert, nya." The girl puffed her chest out proudly.
Issei blinked, unimpressed at the girl's statement, before turning his attention to the others for a translation.
Rias sighed. "Koneko's been practicing to talk more like her sister, like a cat, since they made up. She's happy that she's started being able to do it without forcing it."
Issei's face didn't so much as twitch as he slowly took out a bottle of beer, opened it, took a sip, and turned to the girl, staring at her dead in the eyes.
She stared back.
He continued to stare.
So did she.
Finally, she broke the silence. "What are you looking at, pervert, nya?"
"Nyan you inyagine an inyanginyary menyanagerie nyanyanger inyagine nyanaging an inyaginyary menyanagerie?"
The room went dead quiet.
"Nya?" Koneko's mind went blank as she tried to process the cat themed tongue twister.
"Nyan you inyagine an inyanginyary menyanagerie nyanyanger inyagine nyanaging an inyaginyary menyanagerie?" Issei repeated himself flawlessly with a completely straight face.
"Nyan I inyagine an inyayayth-ptttt." Koneko tried to repeat what he just said, only to bite her tongue and fumble not even a quarter of the way through.
"I see you're still just a kitten, nya." Even if his face was completely even, there was no missing the sparkle of genuine amusement in his eyes.
"I, you, nya-NYAAAAAAAA!" Unable to accept that her throne had been taken and the bar being set suddenly so high, the girl burst out into childish tears and ran out of the room.
Rias' Peerage looked at the culprit, unsure whether to be angry, or impressed.
"How?" Rias slowly asked.
"I know her sister in my world. We liked screwing with everyone's heads when we had spare time." Issei took another sip from his drink and walked out of the room. "I stand by what I said. Kitten needs to get good to play with the real cats."
"But you're a dragon." Kiba pointed out, confused.
"Honorary membership's a thing people. Not my fault nobody ever asks about it. It opens more doors than you think." He called out from the hallway.
Little did Issei know of the chaos he had sparked in the kitchen that day, but that was another story/omake.
And so the first battle has come to a close, but not quite the way anyone might've expected. But will the repair of the signal be enough to deal with Ophis? We'll find out, so in the meantime feel free to leave a comment or review about what you liked/disliked or if you've got any neat ideas for future chapters! Also, for those wondering the Omake was written by Third Fang. And don't forget to check out my new book on Amazon and Amazon Kindle: Barons Of The Stars! Last thing, stop in next time as both sides plan their next move! 'Til then.