Negotiating with a Loli Dragon Goddess
Hello everyone and welcome to the latest chapter of I'm Too Sober For This! First off, apologies for the delay as school and work affected the schedule of some of the Beta Readers. For those keeping up on my Pat reon this shouldn't be surprising news but for those who haven't, now you know. Fortunately that's about all the announcements I have and with no guest review questions this week, let's move right along into the story!
Satan Faction's War Camp
"So here's a question I've been pondering." Rias was currently speaking with Issei and Sona. "When the signal is fixed, will there be anything we notice immediately?"
"It's supposed to affect dragons and those with dragonic Sacred Gears." Sona recalled while adjusting her glasses. "But only on a behavioral level. There is no guarantee, however, that there would be any actual personality changes." She narrowed her eyes. "Not to sound cynical, but it's possible that the mental damage already done may not be fixed by correcting the signal and all we'll wind up doing is keeping the dragons from getting worse."
"Michael said that it was originally designed to calm the dragons." I reminded. "I'm hoping that if it's adjusted right, it'll make them all more reasonable, especially Ophis."
"It's amazing how much our fate depends on whether or not a single being can be reasoned with." The Gremory Heiress sighed. "We're fighting to keep every inch of ground we can and it might all wind up being pointless if Ophis decides to get serious."
"All the better Issei isn't on the battlefield right now." The student council president mused. "Which reminds me. Shirou, could you call Ajuka?"
With a nod, I pulled out the device for calling them. Serafall had tried to trick me with another one, but I'd refused it on account of said device being a magical girl wand, and instead opted for the actual one Ajuka had made: a specialized magic seal. Like the ones given to the messengers of the military commanders, this gave me a direct line to the Maous.
A flicker of my magical energy activated it, projecting a red magic seal on the floor and in another moment it materialized see-through images of three of the Maous.
As usual, Falbion was off being lazy, so he wasn't present.
"Shirou." Sirzechs greeted. "I heard you were able to repel several Hero Faction members recently. Though some of the accounts are a bit… unusual."
"That's putting it mildly." I sighed. "I wish I could say we forced them back through a combination of skill, clever strategy, and effective teamwork, and it did play a role. But the truth is, it was through the power of sheer ridiculousness."
The Will of Serafall would never have allowed me to sugarcoat it, damn her.
"How ridiculous, exactly?" Ajuka raised an eyebrow.
"To summarize," I took a breath, "Asia brought her hydra, which somehow none of us noticed until she had unleashed it on the battlefield, then our Issei caused one of the Khaos Brigade members to rampage and chase after him in a blind rage at full power, flattening numerous allies of hers in the process, including Cao Cao. Finally, my battle got hijacked by my sister fighting Arthur Pendragon's sister. I should also mention we suffered a bit from friendly fire from that first one."
Honestly, I think the most unbelievable part of it all was that our Issei managed to emerge from the chase with minimal injuries despite being hunted by an elite member of the brigade going all-out for almost the entire battle. Whatever training his counterpart gave the poor kid behind everyone's backs seemed to work better than anyone would have guessed.
"I see." Sirzechs and Ajuka didn't react beyond an eye twitch.
Serafall, however, was doubled over laughing.
"Oh that's great!" She giggled, "Tell me we got lots of footage! Oh, did Illya wear her magical girl outfit?!"
"She did." A lie would have been seen through immediately. "And she proudly defended wearing it."
"That's my future sister-in-law." Serafall smiled.
I might've commented on this but Sirzechs, thankfully, intervened.
"So what's the general status of the war front?"
"We've held the line this time but we suffered much heavier losses than before thanks to Hero Faction members being present." I reported, my face and tone returning to a more business-like demeanor. "Thankfully, we took down a significant number of their troops as well, injured multiple Hero Faction members enough to keep them out of the fighting for a bit, and succeeded in eliminating Hero Faction member Jeanne."
"I hear the credit for that goes to my sister's Peerage." Sirzechs smirked.
"Bennia and Kiba took her out while she was chasing Issei in that blind rampage I mentioned before." I confirmed. "So yes, the credit for that moment of madness goes to them. Though you may want to get the full story from her before you start singing her praises."
I doubted he would listen, given how he worshiped the ground she walked on.
"Is there something I should be concerned about?" The crimson-haired Maou raised an eyebrow.
"I'll let you decide when you hear it." I waved dismissively. "Anyway, there's another reason I'm calling. What progress has there been on sending Otherworld Issei home?"
"We have a potential working model." Ajuka reported. "The theory at the moment is if we use spatial magic to identify which world he comes from, we can have Sona use the power of the Second Magic to send him back."
"And I'm assuming you're also working on a way to prevent Sona from accidentally wielding the Second Magic again?" I further questioned. "She's more or less got the hang of it now, but with how crazy things were even before our guest showed up, I'd rather not take any chances."
"That shouldn't be a huge issue." The genius Maou assured. "With the right formula, we should be able to place a seal on those powers-at least in theory. Though it would help if we knew where it came from in the first place."
"It is a somewhat different form of spatial magic." Ajuka admitted. "But not so different that we shouldn't be able to figure something out."
"Speaking of figuring things out," Serafall raised her hand, "Any word on whether or not that dragon signal has been fixed?"
"Irina showed up a little while ago and told us it was still in progress." I reported. "But without knowing the extent of the issue we weren't able to get an actual estimate on how long it would take. He did say, however, that we'd know when it was fixed."
"Did he say how we'd know it was fixed?" My king crossed her arms.
"I imagine it'll be something to do with a sudden shift in dragon behavior." I shrugged. "But this is again assuming fixing the signal does anything other than prevent further degradation."
"I guess you'll just need to keep an eye out for—"
"YAHOOO!"
Sirzechs was interrupted as Local Issei suddenly came flipping and cartwheeling by.
"I don't know what in the world's going on but I suddenly feel great right now!" He cheered while suddenly breakdancing with coordination that nobody had expected him to have until then. "It must be the power of lap pillows and oppai!"
The Twice Critical User leapt up happily on that last declaration before suddenly bumping into his sister's stomach.
"Oh, hey Sis." He looked up nervously as the grey-haired girl peered down at him.
Before he could get away she grabbed his head in a vice grip.
"There's something I forgot to say to you earlier." Karasuba's tone wasn't joking or playful. "You're still a worm, but that was a good job back there." She loosened her grip but kept her hand on his head for a moment. "Keep it up and you might be able to protect that girl."
The local Red Dragon Emperor glanced over to see said girl approaching and walked off.
"Issei!" Irina rushed over and hugged him protectively. "She wasn't about to do something to you, was she?"
"Weirdly, I don't think so." He shook his head. "She seemed… slightly different this time."
I blinked owlishly. And I'm sure everyone else did, too.
"I think we just got our proof." I turned back to the Maous. "We should probably contact the Angel Faction now."
"Gather your Peerage, the other two Peerages, and the commanders." Sirzechs ordered. "We'll need to discuss what to do after we get a report on the signal's condition."
Heaven
"For being a last-second job, did it have to be so obnoxiously complex to work around?" Issei grunted in relief as the pressure that was literally hammering into his skull for the past half-day abated instantly as he cut off the final source of power to the signal generator.
Fortunately, the bulk of The System was roughly the same as the one he worked with back home, so it wasn't hard to identify where the source of the problem was. Unfortunately, for some reason, God decided to make his last major changes in the "back" of the conceptual structure where it was a pain in the ass for a visitor like him to get to without interfering with other processes.
Or, possibly, setting it all on fire like he was extremely tempted to do even now.
Wasting no time, he unwrapped the Sacred Gear on his left arm and looked at the gem that represented Ddraig's eye.
"So?"
"It'll take a bit to get the ringing out of my ears, but otherwise it looks like you got it." The Dragon spoke into his mind, as the teen's eardrums were still ruptured. "Anything I miss?"
"Not much." Issei looked up at the towering spire that had been the antenna for the signal being generated. "Only that God here really did not care about what the hell he was doing when he made this thing. Intended to pacify dragons or not, the damn thing was not made with preservation or efficiency in mind. The core material for it was half-decayed when I had a look, and it was clearly taking up far more power than needed, even if it was supposed to reach every corner of the world and its textures. Calling it a sloppy mistake would be a compliment."
"Hoh? That certainly explains how this turn of events came about and…"
"And what?" Issei frowned as his friend trailed off.
"You cannot hear it?"
"I popped my eardrums to get close to the damn thing in the first place. I would have set fire to the place by now if I didn't."
Heaven and goodwill be damned. For a Dragon, getting close to that signal without some form of protection or way to numb the pain was like going into Chernobyl without a protective suit.
Presence helped, but that was to deal more with God's aura still saturating the place more than anything.
"Heal your ears."
Issei knew that tone. More work always came whenever someone talked to him like that.
Groaning in frustration, the foreign Sekiryuutei channeled some white magic to his head and—
"-ng! Warning! Divine system malfunction has been detected! Irregular power allocation is present in multiple major processes! Internal system maintenance is insufficient to address issues! Please contact operator or nearest Level Eight System Administrator as soon as possible. All unrelated personnel please evacuate to lower levels in a calm and safe manner. Warning! Warning!"
"So what do you think?"
"Odds are there was even more power going to keep the signal up than I thought. It had to go somewhere, multiple somewheres, and looks like more than a few couldn't handle the sudden inrush of said power. Certainly explains why some of the subsystems I passed by earlier were in worse shape than back home. They were probably working sub-optimally this entire time… maybe that's why everyone's powers here are so all over the place?"
It really went to show how peculiar the boy was.
He was in Heaven. In God's private chambers, no less. He had just addressed a fault that was affecting Dragons across the world, a feat that nobody even knew had existed until he had found it a few days prior, only to be dead center of a soon-to-be catastrophic disaster that would put what was depicted in most video games and American movies to shame.
And yet instead of being alarmed or panicking, he was simply standing in place and calmly piecing together what had just happened as though it wasn't even his problem to begin with.
As though he didn't care about his predicament in the slightest other than the fact that it meant he had to do more work that he wasn't interested in.
"Looks like you'll be busy for a while."
The teen dropped his head in defeat, tears falling like waterfalls from his eyes. "I have only myself to blame. Seriously, when was the last time something genuinely good ever happened to me without something horrifically terrible or traumatizing happening almost immediately afterwards that was related to said good thing?"
"That's a good question. I'll find out for you while you fix this latest disaster. Or not. You already torched a good portion of Hell. Literally crashing Heaven would be a nice way to complete the set."
"Haaah." Issei didn't know why he bothered sometimes, even if he knew Ddraig was half joking.
Chack. Chack.
The double coil around his Boosted Gear cocked itself, the gem at the back of his hand glowed with purpose. The conceptual weight of the number of charges it had stored up had momentarily caused the air around the left side of his body to waver, disturbed by the potential being brought to just under the surface of reality.
In through the nose. Out through the mouth. This was not the time to moan about his shitty luck. This was the time to think and work.
Around him, more infinitely complex systems started to flash warnings and indicate a growing number of failures from the sudden inrush of power diverted to them, activating and overwhelming functions that had been dormant for centuries if not millennia.
He opened his eyes, half-lidded, yet a rare, small, sharp, scalpel-like fire burned behind them not with defiance or purpose, but with a cold and calculating focus.
He cracked his neck.
Notes appeared in his left hand.
And he took a single step forward.
"BOOST!"
It was going to be one of those days.
A Few Minutes Later: Satan Faction War Camp
"Alright." I raised my voice a bit to make sure I was heard by everyone. "Is everyone here?"
"Here!" Gasper's hand shot up, though I'd spotted him pretty easily considering he was once again wearing the pink Spartan armor I'd painted for him. He'd somehow managed to sneak it into the war camp without Rias noticing until after the battle had started.
"We are all present and accounted for." Tsubaki reported for Sona's group.
"Miss Wigglebutt wasn't allowed to come." Asia pouted. "So we're not all here."
"Miss Wigglebutt is on a timeout for wrecking several of our own troops." I reminded, somehow managing to say that accursed creature's name without gritting my teeth. "And when we're done here, you're going right back to healing said wrecked troops."
"I guess the upside is I might get to use those spare organs after all." The healer mused.
I decided not to comment on that.
"It looks like we're ready." I looked over towards the projections of the Maous. "We can start the communication at any time."
"Proceed." Sirzechs nodded.
I signaled to my Pawns, who moved into a circular formation along with Irina and held their hands out. A magic circle appeared, but something was off.
It was purple and there was way too much mana flowing out of it.
"Guys, this seems a bit much for a communication seal." I held a hand up as wind started to blow from the release of energy.
"This isn't us." Irina responded worriedly. "We just started casting the spell when this circle interrupted us."
"I am able to confirm that it is a communication seal, but its power is due to the fact that someone is forcing their way through the war camp's barriers!" Ramiel informed me. The fact that the normally stoic former Fallen Angel was actually starting to shout was the biggest indicator that it was worse than it sounded.
What ludicrously powerful magic wielder would be forcibly trying to communicate with us now of all times?
Said question would quickly be answered as the symbol of Ouroboros formed within the magic circle and the projection of an all too familiar girl with dark hair and grey eyes appeared.
"Greetings, Emiya Shirou." She turned to me. "I am delighted to see that you have joined the battle, it made finding you a bit easier."
"Ophis." I narrowed my eyes.
"What do you want?" Serafall demanded. It was possible no one else but me and Sona noticed, but there was the slightest involuntary twitch from the magical girl Maou. She was worried. No doubt it was taking everything she had not to teleport here right that instant, even if we were both just looking at a projection of the infamous dragon goddess.
"First, to confirm something." Ophis turned to the Maous. "I take it the otherworld dragon emperor is responsible for the sudden feeling of relief I am having?"
"He is." Sirzechs confirmed, nodding. "But he's not available at the moment."
"Is he still present within this world?" The Ouroboros Dragon questioned further. "I advise against lying. With my mind clear, determining genuine truths spoken to me even at this distance has become as plain as asking the question itself."
"Say, hypothetically, he is still here." The former Gremory Heir began slowly, "What is it you want with him?"
"That is to be discussed between me and the otherworlder." Ophis turned to me. "I also have some unresolved matters with you, Queen of Swords."
Damn it. She knows about that?
"You can just call me Emiya." I sighed despite the situation. "And what is it you want to discuss with me?"
"It is my belief that your repairing of the signal was in order to clear my mind and make me more amicable." She surmised. "If this is so, I imagine you wish to negotiate with me?"
"It was our hope that you'd be open to such a thing, though we knew from the start that addressing the issue would not guarantee you coming to the table for discussions." Sirzechs confirmed. "From what I've gathered you personally have no stake in this war between us and the Khaos Brigade. You merely agreed to work with them in exchange for aiding you in your own pursuits."
"Your sources have informed you correctly." Ophis nodded. "Based on what I have seen so far, the Brigade may yet fail in their individual aims. Their individual factions are at odds with one another for resources as they are at their enemies. Should they collapse, they will be unable to fulfill our bargain which would force me to step in and ensure that their assets are at least salvaged for further use. You no doubt were already aware of this eventuality?"
"It was an issue we anticipated would come about eventually." Ajuka spoke up. "Naturally, we've been preparing contingencies for it."
"I'm assuming one such contingency was an offer you wished to extend to me." The Dragon of Infinity surmised. "Do you believe you have something I would want just as badly as returning to my home?"
"We've come up with one or two alternatives we believe you'd find appealing." The green-haired Maou assured. "The most likely offer that you'd accept, we believe, would be—"
"No, there is no need to tell me now." Ophis stopped him with a raised hand. "As I stated at the beginning, I only wish to discuss matters with the otherworld dragon emperor and Emiya Shirou. Therefore, I propose a parlay in the middle of no man's land, the center of the largest part of the battlefield. I will come alone, but you are welcome to bring whomever you like so long as Emiya and the one who possesses Grandfather are among you."
"When should we be present for this parlay?" Serafall questioned with her hands on her hips.
"Lunch time tomorrow." The Ouroboros Dragon clarified. "I will be coming in person and Emiya shall bring some of his famous food. You'll find me easier to negotiate with on a full stomach. Are these terms agreeable?"
"Would you postpone it any longer if we asked?" Sirzechs dared to question.
"You and your soldiers are well organized." Ophis pointed out. "A day should be more than enough time for you to recover and set your affairs in order. More to the point, it shouldn't be enough time for you to try any unpleasant games."
"I'd say you have no reason to fear such a thing." The King of the Underworld almost chuckled. "But even you recognize what conniving creatures us devils are."
"And you devils should've had it seared into your minds centuries ago what vengeful creatures us dragons are." Ophis reminded. "So I need not explain what will befall your beloved army and kingdom should you keep me waiting."
With that parting remark, the projection faded and the magic circle disappeared.
No one said anything for several moments as we all processed what just happened.
It would be Saji who finally spoke and he summed it up succinctly. "WE'RE FUCKED!"
That Night: Shirou's House (Kuoh)
"So he's still working on the machinery?" I asked the projection of Archangel Michael.
"I'm afraid so." The leader of the Angels nodded before turning the view of the projection towards the entrance of God's personal chambers, which admittedly was still mostly white, but now with several notable flashing lights and ripples spawning from impossible locations deeper inside. "I was notified the moment the signal had been fixed, but apparently there's still a problem."
"Let me try and talk to him." I sighed before raising my voice. For whatever reason it sounded like a home improvement project was going on in the background with hammers, drills, and even air wrench noises. "Hey, Issei! The signal's fixed so what's going on?!"
"Everything! Fucking everything is giving!" The otherworlder yelled back, his voice somehow echoing while speeding up and slowing down all at the same time. "Now that that decaying P.O.S. antenna channeling the signal's shut down and not going full blast anymore, the rest of the system is running on the excess power that it should have been using for the first time in centuries! Do you know what happens when you try to turn on an old machine and suddenly push it to moderate-to-high performance mode?! And that barely even scratches how complex this damn setup was to begin with! It's like working on a Christmas tree, if one light isn't working then they all might stop working! This is why I tell people to avoid getting a job in coding unless they're an innate masochist!"
For some reason, I occasionally had the strangest feeling that Rin would get along far too easily with this guy.
"Do you think you can leave it alone long enough to meet with Ophis?" I asked. "She wants to meet in person tomorrow. If she's finally in her right mind, we should be able to get her to back off and accept a different solution."
"One problem with that." Issei's finger suddenly sprang up in front of the projection's camera, poking through the divine holy haze of the room he was working in. "If I leave this clusterfuck too long and something breaks, Ophis could go right back to being crazy. And when I say clusterfuck, I mean that time here is dilating uncontrollably back and forth, more unstable than the hormones in a dragon hitting puberty!"
Well, that certainly gave me a pleasant yet accurate mental image of the current situation. And it also vaguely answered a few questions I didn't know needed answering.
"Worse, if this thing breaks in another way it could make her more aggressive, or hungrier, or even horny—and trust me, you do not want to be anywhere on this planet with your harem protagonist status if that last one ever happens."
"I'm just going to assume you're speaking from experience and move on." I deadpanned. "But to summarize, you're worried if you leave this thing alone for five minutes it could malfunction and cause some other type of catastrophe?"
"Bingo." The otherworlder confirmed. "That stuff with Ophis is just a few potential things that could happen. It could also accidentally unleash some stored away backup literal Old Testament Protocols like a plague, or smite some unsuspecting city, or turn all the water in Venice into wine for all we know. Fuck knows the Vatican needs that last one with what's going on."
"Sign me up for that trip." Asia giggled mischievously.
I turned the projection back to Michael. "Is he at least remembering to take breaks?"
"We're following the advice you gave us before sending him." The Archangel answered. "We're forcing him to rest every few hours as prolonged exposure to the system's energy could still cause damage to him eventually. And I'd rather he not make a mistake out of exhaustion and cause one of those calamities to come true."
"Did he at least give you an estimate on how much longer he was going to be?" I asked hopefully.
"Different ones, I'm afraid." Michael sighed. "First it was a couple hours, then it was a couple more hours, now it's up to a workday. For all I know at the moment, he could be finished in the next five minutes or the next five days. The erratic time dilation taking place where he is does not help matters either."
"Hold on!" Issei shouted from the background. "If you really need an excuse that she'll buy, tell her, son of a back alley D listed—?!"
An explosion cut him off, making me concerned for a moment before his voice came up again. "Ancient decaying piece of—ngh, anyways, tell her that the signal I addressed is linked to what's keeping "that brainless brute #3" asleep and out of everyone's hair. She knows what it means, and I doubt she has the patience to deal with that problem so soon."
"Brainless brute #3?" I echoed, noting the suddenly uncomfortable Michael swallowing heavily.
The Seraph nodded warily while clearly picking his words carefully. "I genuinely hope what you claim is an overestimation."
"If the System goes down, the seals that run off it go down! Basic thaumaturgic foundation principles still apply here! Religion or not!" The sounds of a literal jackhammer, divine power blasting, and for some reason a keyboard typing rapidly were all heard in the background.
"I'm surprised you are aware of that particular piece of information."
"And look where all that's gotten me! Working my ass off for everyone while divine juice is hammering me from all sides in a house I'm not supposed to be in, fixing a clusterfuck that I shouldn't have anything to do with! This is my undergrad project all over again!" The dragon shouted irritably more to himself than anyone, quite literally getting blown up in Heaven before his hand vanished into the white again and the number of construction themed noises doubled.
"So we're just going to have to cross our fingers and wait." I shook my head. "Definitely not ideal. We'll just have to operate on the assumption that Issei won't be with us tomorrow, at least for the time being."
"Naturally we'll do everything we can to speed things along up here." The blond Angel assured me. "In the meantime, tell Irina she's free to stay with all of you as long as she likes for the time being. We're going to be preoccupied here and there won't really be any work for her to do."
"I don't doubt it." I nodded. "Let us know if anything new comes up."
"We will, and good luck, Emiya Shirou." Michael's image disappeared.
I let out a sigh. Of all the times for him to decide to be a workaholic, it had to be now.
"So it appears we're just going to have to stick to a modified plan." Sona adjusted her glasses. "Lord Beelzebub is doing what he can to speed things up in the lab but he's also attempting to make countermeasures against Ophis. If we're lucky, that process he came up with will work, but it's unlikely to be ready in time for tomorrow."
"We can all take the time to get in some last-minute training." Rias offered. "But it's likely my brother won't let us be there for the negotiations with Ophis unless one of us can come up with an idea to use against her."
"You can train if you want." I responded. "But be sure to get some rest, too. We just got through our second major battle with the Khaos Brigade, if you count the stadium fight. It won't do to exhaust ourselves too much before dealing with a literal dragon deity."
"On this we can all agree." Sona nodded before we split up.
I slowly made my way to my room, leisurely checking on everyone in my Peerage along with the other Peerages. Irina and some of the other girls were playing with Fou who once again seemed to come and go as he pleased. Lily was also playing around with them.
Gasper and Kuroka had retreated to one of the bedrooms yet again for some video gaming while my Pawns were taking turns patrolling outside. Local Issei was talking with Irina and Xenovia while Rias and Sona were discussing possible future plans. Bennia was writing in her diary while balancing precariously on one of the chairs in the kitchen and Shirone was looking expectantly at me.
"I know." I waved while continuing towards the back of the house. "I'll be starting on dinner soon."
First, I needed to check on everyone else. Akeno had once again made herself scarce around me so I needed to determine if she was even still in the… huh? I noticed one of the closet doors in the hallway was slightly open. Knowing I was probably being overly cautious, I summoned Jack the Ripper's dagger and slowly moved forward, just in case.
I grasped the door then and quickly flung it open to find… Akeno?
"Ara." She greeted while hanging from a rope in—was that a straightjacket?! "Nothing to see here, Emiya-san. Although, I can't run away this time, what will you do to me, I wonder?"
"Cautiously contemplate why you're quite literally hanging around in my closet?" I didn't even try to hide the shudder in my voice. "This is some new masochist thing, isn't it?"
"While his personality does need work, our currently occupied friend in Heaven is rather helpful when it comes to expanding one's cultured horizons. And supplying the means to support said horizons. I got the idea for this one from a show I saw recently. You should watch anime more often." She giggled in that slightly evil manner she was so good at. "What was it called again? The show just came out not long ago."
"Whatever it is I doubt I'll be watching it." I rubbed my temple after dismissing the dagger I'd traced. "You can get out of that thing on your own, right?"
"Will you help me out of it if I can't?"
"Oh for—Rias! Your Queen's literally hanging out in my closet!" I called. "You'd better come get her down!"
"Again?!" Rias shouted tiredly from down the hall.
I shot Akeno a flat stare. "Again?"
All I got was a fake pout that was nowhere near as attractive as the owner believed. "Ara, you're no fun."
"I'm fairly certain you're either naked under there or you're going to go flying out and running to the other end of the house the moment I let you go." I pointed out.
"Guess you'll never know." She laughed again. I simply rolled my eyes and continued on, but not before she got one last word in. "By the way, I think you'd better find Kiba. It sounded like he needed help a couple doors down."
"Help?" I repeated with a raised eyebrow before moving in front of said door and pushing it open. "What would Kiba need help with—WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Kiba was in the room alright.
With Tsubaki's legs wrapped around his neck from behind.
"Oh, uh, Emiya-san." Sona's Queen greeted without meeting my eyes, her face red for obvious reasons. "Is there something we can help you with?"
"What exactly is…?" I personally didn't want to finish the question I was about to ask. Thankfully, and somewhat amazingly, Kiba was still able to answer.
"It was a homework assignment from the Otherworld Issei." He grunted. "He told me to learn about thigh appreciation after breasts and ass. Turns out Tsubaki overheard and offered to help after we got back here. I think I'm… starting to understand. So soft, yet so strong and firm…"
For my sanity's sake, I made no comments, asked no further questions, and pointedly ignored what sounded like Rin of all people screaming incomprehensibly in frustration across the ethos.
Instead, I slowly closed the door, walked back to the kitchen, and lobotomized the last twenty seconds from my memory.
"So, Shirone," I began with a forced smile, "Before I start cooking, do you know where Illya and Karasuba got off to?"
And please for the love of Serafall, don't tell me you're also experimenting with some absurd kink because of that specific person that is currently physically outside of my ability to stab.
"I think I overheard that girl mention something about driving her car around the block." The nekoshou recalled with a hand to her chin.
"Wait, Illya had the car brought here?" I asked nervously, hoping I'd heard wrong.
Unfortunately, the next sound that greeted my ears was the sound of screeching tires as said car took off from the driveway at a pace that was way too fast for this particular neighborhood. "And there they go." I sighed heavily. "Asia! Prepare the drinks."
The Next Morning
It's funny the things you realize when you're running at magically enhanced speeds while half-drunk, trying to catch up to a car driven by a crazy dragon girl and occasionally murderous sister.
For starters, I realized I was probably more nervous about tomorrow than anyone else. Naturally understandable since I'd once again be face-to-face with the Ouroboros Dragon. My second realization was that I probably needed to learn a little bit more about my Peerage.
Case in point, I had no idea Karasuba had learned how to drive.
Well, "drive" might be overstating it slightly. Apparently, that old mischievous monkey master of hers had taught the teenage dragon girl the ins and outs of racing when they were in China and partaking in a little bit of illegal street racing against other supernatural creatures and the occasional drugged up hillbilly political princeling that had more money on hand than they needed or deserved.
And I was going to have to chaperone her.
Looking to my left, I once again found Serafall had snuck into my bed and was currently snuggled into my side. "Hey, Sera?" I shook her slightly. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I need to get up."
"Mm, and I don't want you to get up yet." She hummed with her eyes still closed. "Starting today, I want my Shi-chan pillow more often."
"You're pretty confident this negotiation is going to go well." I noted.
"Remember who you're talking to." Serafall opened her eyes and shot me a smirk. "I am the diplomat among the Maous. I got the sales pitch and everything, so you just worry about doing what you need to do."
"I just hope it works." I sighed. "We've only had a few days to throw all of this together. If it malfunctions—"
The magical girl Maou put a finger to my lips.
"Ah-ah-ah." She chided. "No time for doubting now. We have to present ourselves with confidence, especially when dealing with someone like Ophis. More to the point, if you doubt then that means you're spending less time focusing on me." She snuggled even closer.
"Good to know our priorities seem to be in line." I shook my head, smiling slightly in spite of myself. "Fine, you get a few more minutes, then I need to get up. You don't want Shirone sneaking in here again to demand food, do you?"
"She doesn't need to." Another voice suddenly came from under the covers.
Oh no.
I lifted up the blanket to see Kuroka staring up at me, her body barely covered by revealing black lingerie. "But I might be able to convince her to wait a minute if you make time for me."
So help me if she said that Issei was the one that gave her that underwear…
"OH HELL NO!" And once again, I was being stepped on by a couple of girls wrestling each other to get my attention. It wouldn't have been so bad except for the next part.
"Hey! Get off my brother you dirty kitty!"
"Let me in on this!"
"I'm here my lord!"
After ten minutes of disentangling myself from the throng of limbs, bodies, and claws, things seemed to move quickly.
For me. It took another fifteen for the rest of the girls to stop fighting and realized I had escaped.
During which, I cooked breakfast and Ophis's lunch, and we discussed the final details of the plan along with one or two contingency plans.
"Oh by the way Shi-chan," Serafall, now in her magical girl outfit, waved her wand and summoned a scarf along with a couple strips of cloth, "Ajuka was able to get these ready just in time."
"We've really been working him to the bone lately." I commented while accepting the gifts. Believe it or not, these were actually meant to aid me in other possible upcoming battles. "I'll need to thank him and try to convince Sirzechs to give him some time off."
"Ajuka's always been bad about that." The female Maou waved dismissively. "His mind is always working on the next invention or theory. Even if we send him on vacation he'll probably come back with a new device for making demonically-powered shaved ice that doubles as some snow cannon or something."
"Yeah, that does sound like something he'd do." I admitted before donning the crimson scarf and rolling up my sleeves to wrap the red bindings around them. "There, how do I look?"
"Heroic." Serafall smiled, possibly reflecting on the first time she saw my soul. "Maybe heroic enough to swoon a dragon goddess."
"One way to find out, right." I couldn't help but snort a little at that. Considering the weirdness that's surrounded my life since coming to this world, even that possibility didn't seem out of the question at this point.
The Underworld: No Man's Land
We showed up a few minutes early, not only to set things up but also to make sure that our definition of "lunchtime" was the same as Ophis's.
Unfortunately, we already had one problem: Issei still wasn't done working on the machinery.
Michael and the others had followed our directions on how to get him to stop working and rest for a while, but apparently even if he hadn't rested there was just one problem after another that needed to be taken care of.
To be perfectly honest though, this was probably the most engaged and active I think I had ever seen the guy since he arrived here, barring the times he had been having one of his emotional episodes or being chased by Tiamat.
That said, judging from how he was running around and constantly listing off what was wrong with God's System, most of us were pretty sure our Otherworld friend was just trying to fix all the problems he could find instead of just leaving it in an agreeable state.
Nobody dared to point it out though. Far be it from anyone to question a Dragon with what appeared to be severe OCD and an extreme work ethic in the middle of a job.
Michael and his assistants certainly weren't, if the piles of notes and diagrams they were constantly writing in were any indication.
"So I got a question." Falbium spoke up from his position at the table we'd set up. "Why do I have to be here but Ajuka can skip out?"
"I believe we explained it before." Sirzechs responded with a patient smile. "Ajuka is working to send our guest home and out of Ophis's reach. At this point, every minute we can spare for him to do so is crucial and should he fall here it would be extraordinarily difficult for someone else to pick up his work. Not only that, we're trying to maximize power while minimizing potential loss of life."
"Yeah-yeah." The Maou of Sloth sighed. "We're some of the only people strong enough to confront Ophis for any length of time who aren't occupied. Still, not looking forward to this."
"When was the last time you looked forward to any of the meetings we've had?" Serafall remarked.
It was about that moment that a familiar purple magic circle appeared, though some of the symbols were rearranged, signaling it as a teleportation circle.
In a flash of purple she appeared, her adorable face seemingly expressionless as her eyes roamed over the gathered devils. "The otherworlder isn't here." Ophis noted as her eyes settled on me. "Where is he?"
"Still working on the signal, I'm afraid, to ensure it doesn't become a recurring issue." I stepped forward and knelt down at the Japanese table that had been set on a large blanket. "He also mentioned something about ensuring that, and I quote, "Brainless Brute #3" stays asleep and out of everyone's hair, though I'm unsure what that means. We were only made aware of the circumstances after our initial agreement, and to our knowledge he's still working on it. He's apparently a bit of a perfectionist when he personally takes a job."
Apparently it meant more than I assumed if Ophis's blink and the slightest stiffening of her body language was any indication before returning to normal. "Is that so? How unexpected. I had all but forgotten the existence of that annoyance. Having it wake up now would just kindle new frustrating trials to replace the old. How vexing, he actually has a passable excuse for his absence."
I was willing to bet that I wasn't the only one holding back the urge to sigh in relief at her admission, but simultaneously I shivered at the revelation of the existence of a new calamity-scale monster that even gave Ophis a momentary pause.
"While I'd like to say he'll be here soon, we unfortunately don't know how much longer it's going to take him. But to make up for that, I've brought double portions of all my best recipes." I held my hand out, indicating a large buffet table's worth of food. "And if you'll permit me, I'd like to hold our talk within my Reality Marble."
"We may." The Ouroboros Dragon knelt down at the table. "Please proceed."
I closed my eyes and held out my hand.
"I am the bone of my sword. Steel is my body and fire is my blood. I have created over a thousand blades. Unaware of loss, nor aware of gain, I have withstood pain to create weapons, waiting for one's arrival. I have no regrets, this is the only path. My whole life was UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS!"
And in a powerful flash of light, we were all pulled into my world of swords and sunlight beyond the horizon. While Sirzechs and Serafall simply smiled at the continued progress I'd made with my Noble Phantasm, Falbium looked around in surprise, having never seen the inside of my Reality Marble before. As for Ophis, she let out a contented sigh before picking up a bowl. "This is a good start." She acknowledged before partaking in the meal.
Interestingly, the dragon girl insisted we partake a little as well and for the next few minutes we ate in relative peace. It would be after Ophis finished her eighth or so portion that she finally spoke again. "Now then, let us begin our negotiation. I imagine you've brought a proposal for me?"
"We have." Serafall began. "The first step has already been accomplished, repairing the signal that was affecting your mentality."
"You did not do that specifically for me." Ophis pointed out. "You have other dragons working with you and repaired the signal in order to decrease the threat they may pose in the future."
"We cannot deny that we were killing two or more birds with one stone." Sirzechs acknowledged. "Even so I'd implore you to take that into consideration."
"That depends on what else you have to offer and what you are requesting." The dragon goddess responded simply, licking the tips of her fingers.
Damn it, I really wanted to pat her head right now.
"We offer this." Serafall held her arms up towards the artificial sky. "The Reality Marble that mimics one of the feelings of infinity that you seek. We cannot make it permanent as of this moment but Shirou alone is able to maintain it for days, and with a bit of work, we believe we can replicate such a space for you to dwell in. A respite without compare, on demand."
"And I'll try to cook meals for you as often as I can." I added. "I won't always be available due to my responsibilities as both Serafall's Queen and the leader of a Peerage, but you will in many ways get what you want, short of addressing your issue with 'Dream' himself. That would, of course, require additional time and investment on everyone's part, should we eventually pursue it."
"But what do you want in return?" Ophis asked while finishing another bowl of food.
"Withdraw your support for the Khaos Brigade." Serafall answered. "Much of their boldness comes from having you and the power you are capable of providing them. The sooner we bring this war to an end, the more time Shirou will have to feed you and provide this world."
"Hmm." The female dragon peered at me for a moment, seeming to digest everything that had been said. "Emiya, tell me, what goal is it that you aspire to?"
"I desire to protect others." I answered. "I want to save people like my father saved me. I want to keep my sister safe."
I was tempted to say more, at the behest of the mini-Serafall on my shoulder, who'd advocated I say something like wanting to rule the Underworld, or other colorful variants of such a goal that ranged from slightly more embellished bragging to a full-on Saturday morning cartoon chuuni declaration to the world that I'd be the next Devil Hokage Soul King of the Pirates…
But I didn't, and the mini-Serafall folded its arms and pouted cutely from its sitting position on my shoulder.
"Hmm." Ophis picked up a teacup and ran a dainty little finger along the rim of it. "A concept like later was something that didn't exist for me at one time." I didn't know where she was going with this, but she continued, "Within the Dimensional Gap, time, sound, events, change, none of those occur. In the centuries since my banishment from there, I have witnessed the world change countless times over while simultaneously repeating cycles and events in history. I have witnessed many agreements made that would eventually and inevitably alter or corrode over time until they were disregarded or forgotten altogether."
"We have managed to maintain our way of life for over two centuries now." Sirzechs pointed out. "And some agreements we have in place began nearly as far back as the beginning of the world."
"But many of them are gone. Even ones made to me." Ophis drank her tea and set it back down on the table. "The Old Satan Faction has talked my ear off about the uprooting of all their old traditions. I could not care less about such things but I do put value in the promise they made. I still desire to return to the Dimensional Gap and I intend to bring Emiya along with me."
"Surely the latter is not necessary." Serafall developed the slightest bit of a strain to her smile, though I definitely noticed a drop in temperature in the air around her. "We can find a way for you to go back and forth through the Dimensional Gap. You can visit whenever you want and have Shi-chan cook for you."
"I want to believe you." Ophis stood up, though due to her height it didn't make much difference. "In fact, there's little doubt you could accomplish such a thing and would strive to uphold the agreement. But the problem of change still exists. What if I was to return one day to find Emiya dead, or gone, or incapable of performing his task? Change is a constant in this world and in time you, like the Old Satan Faction, may be uprooted. But I can protect Emiya from any threat once Great Red is out of the way and his life will be assured so long as he's no longer present within this world."
"But—" The magical girl Maou was about to argue further before I put a hand on her arm.
"Please, let me handle this part." I tried to give her a reassuring look before standing up. "You're right when you say this world is ever-changing. I intend to ensure that those changes are beneficial to those I care for, but I can't do that if I'm stuck in the Dimensional Gap."
I didn't elaborate on what those changes would be, as I was, admittedly, still trying to figure them out. Hey, I have a lot on my plate right now. Sue me.
"It would be a much easier existence there than here." Ophis pointed out in a neutral tone. "You would no longer have to worry about your crusade against evil, such concepts do not exist in the Dimensional Gap. All of your burdens can be left behind."
"If I wanted to have an easy life, I never would've tried being a hero in the first place." I smiled slightly in spite of myself. "And there are far more things to experience in this world for me than in the Dimensional Gap. My friends, my family, my goals, all of those exist here, I can't just abandon them all like that. But I take pride in things like my cooking and I will never deny you if you wish to sit down at the table and eat with the rest of us."
"If only that table would always be there." Ophis actually gave a sad smile before suddenly narrowing her eyes. She held up her arm across her body.
"LOOK OUT!" Falbium yelled as the Ouroboros Dragon swung her arm, unleashing a destructive shockwave that sent the table, furniture, plates and numerous swords flying.
"The negotiations are over." She declared. "I'll simply take what I want now."
"Ow, so much for talking things out." The Devil of Asmodeus commented as a large shape emerged from of the dust. "And to think I'd be taking this form again after so long."
Naturally it had been agreed without hesitation during the planning. Should combat erupt there would be no holding back against Ophis. That's why I would now bear witness to the True Forms of the Maous.
'You were right about one thing, master, the negotiations were short.' Yep, Ophis still ain't taking 'no' for an answer and now they got to pull out all the stops! How long can they survive? Again sorry for the delay but I hope this chapter was worth the wait, so as always leave a comment or review about what you liked/disliked or if you've got any neat ideas for future chapters! And be sure to check out my Pat reon and see about becoming a patron for news, scene samples, and other cool tidbits! Last thing, stop in next time as our resident hero and the maous pull out all the stops against Ophis! 'Til then.