Author's Note: Well I was going to try monthly updates, but as per the usual that idea got shot out of the sky tehee. Thank you all for your kind words on the last chapter, as always they are appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, nor will I ever have the funds to create anything official in their names. But in these chapters at least we can play in their world.

Lies and Loyalty

Chapter 11

In the Eyes, a Spark of Hope

Raul wasn't sure which was more horrible, witnessing what Grimaud had done to Aramis, or seeing the look of pure devastation on Porthos' face when he was forced to watch as his best friend was nailed to a wooden post. It had taken all of Raul's meager strength to hold his superior back from charging down there, but he was able to convince him by saying that it would only get them both caught and killed. Along with any chance of a successful surprise attack, effectively ensuring that Aramis would die before any rescue could reach him.

Resignation flashed in Porthos' eyes before hopelessness emerged and he sank to his knees. He closed his eyes as a single gasping sob escaped his lips. All Raul could do was once again place a steadying hand on Porthos' shoulder as he turned back to watch and listen to the tortured grunts of pain coming from the enemy encampment. If Porthos couldn't watch this, a man who had been at war for three years and had seen all manner of horrors men could inflict on one another, Raul would bare witness for him, for all of them. After he is rescued, he will need immediate medical attention and witnessing as much of the damage as he could, would help greatly in the care he was going to need.

After several minutes had passed, Raul chanced a glance at his companion. He could see the silent tears freely and unashamedly rolling down his face. The absolute despair in his eyes as he stared motionless at the ground was something that would haunt Raul till the end of his days. It looked as though he had given up, and was already grieving the loss of his friend.

But how could that be? The men that he had found himself surrounded by these past few days were each in their own right, legendary among the Musketeer ranks. Not to mention the ranks of all other members of the French Army. If they were proud men it would be said that they prided themselves on never giving in to despair, even when the odds of success were impossible. Yet here, kneeling on the forest floor, hands digging deep grooves into the hard earth before him, was a man who had seen too much pain, and too much bloodshed. Here was a man on the precipice of shattering sanity.

Raul, not knowing what he was going to be able to say to pull him back from that crumbling place. But he had to say something, so he allowed instinct to take over. He knelt down in front of Porthos, positioning himself between him and the scene below. He bent low, catching his haunted eyes with his own.

"Porthos?" Raul spoke tenderly, yet with a forcefulness that he wasn't aware he had. Slowly, so as to not startle the man, he reached out and grabbed Pothos's hands, which were grasping the dirt and rocks in his palms so tightly he was afraid they would become permanently embedded.

When Porthos didn't resist or lunge at him, Raul pried open his clenched fists, forcing the rocks to gently fall from his hands. Eyes never leaving the pair opposite him, Raul quietly commanded Porthos' attention.
"Porthos, I know that right now everything seems dire, possibly even pointless."

Grasping the man's hands tightly in his own, he continued.

"But know this. If you can not stand, I will stand for you. If you cannot fight, I will fight for you. If you are unable to go to your comrades aid yourself, know that I will slash and claw my way to their side!" Porthos' eyes, while they had been looking into Raul's, had started out with an almost distant expression to them, but as he spoke they seemed to become clearer, more focused.

"I don't know all of the trials that you have overcome together. Nor do I have such a bond with any of my own comrades. But please know that I am willing to give my life to save yours, and the lives of your brothers. If there is anything I know of the infamous Three Musketeers, it is that you will never leave a friend in the hands of the enemy. You are family, and family will fight and die for one another."

Porthos half collapsed into Raul's arms as Raul pulled him into a tight embrace.

"Stay strong for just a little longer my friend. D'Artagnan will be back soon with reinforcements. And we will bring justice to those who dared to harm your brother."

.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Confusion

Fear

Pain

Anguish

Gasping

Panting

Numbness

Dizziness

Confusion

Fear

Pain

Anguish

Gasping

Painting

Numbness

Dizziness

Confusion…

On and on and on and on. As if time did not move. But it had to be moving, didn't it?

Is the sun moving?

Did the world suddenly cease with the idea of the passage of time?

How long have I been here?

Am I even really here?

Is this a dream? No, not a dream. Has it all just been a nightmare?

Am I dead?

Is this hell?

How did I die?

Did I die with dignity?

Does that even matter anymore, here on the devil's pyre?

My skin is in flames, am I on fire?

A laugh is coming from somewhere, a short burst of joy.

Is there joy in hell?

Is the devil pleased with his newest addition?

A gasping groan of anguish, the laughing and mumbling nearby paused for a moment before continuing for a separate reason.

Yes this must be hell.

I am dead.

I've abandoned my friends again. After working so hard to win back their trust and affection.

Was all that effort even worth it if I was to just die before truly earning that back?

Was it worth keeping the King's secrets if it meant abandoning Porthos, Athos, and D'Artagnan.

And my son, will I even be a distant memory? Will Anne speak of me to him? Or will I be a secret memory, only for her? Will she find happiness in her world of lies and loneliness?

And what of the newest recruits that I had taken under my tutelage before leaving on that cursed mission?

The mission! What had become of the king? Was anyone hurt? Was the country safe? Have I at least not failed in this?

Several groans of displeasure and a triumphant shout were followed by an argument between angry voices. The discourse was quickly ceased by the shouting of another voice.

The sounds were familiar. So achingly reminiscent of a time long ago. At a tavern playing a game. A game of cards? Was I the one playing? No, not me. Someone close to me. Someone who once called me his family. Porthos, sweet, loyal, frustrating Porthos. I hope he never sees what has become of me.

While I don't want him to think I abandoned him again, I hope he never finds out what has become of me. At least I will never have to see the look of betrayal in his eyes ever again. I did not betray you Porthos, I did not betray my oath to you all. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to return to you and fix all the hurt that I have caused. Know that even in hell, I will never forgive myself, for failing you. But while I will never forgive myself, I hope that you can forgive me, one day.

PAIN

ANGUISH

FEAR

CONFUSION

AGONY

What is happening? Is the world shifting or am I being dragged deeper to the depths of hell?

SCREAMING

Who's screaming? My screams? Someone else? My hands are engulfed in the fires of agony. Another scream. I don't recognize my own voice anymore. Is it still my voice? Is it even a voice at all? My feet burn similarly to my hands as I fall to my side. I can't move. I can't see. I can't breathe.

Freezing!

Cold

Scraping at my face, tearing at my eyes. I blink them open and I can see? The sky is dim, as if the sun is setting. Is there a sun in hell?

The world is shifting again. My arms are being used to drag me. My bleeding feet are shredded on the rocky ground.

Are these devils; dragging me to my next punishment?

I see trees surrounding me. I didn't think that there could be anything alive in hell. The trees are shrouded in darkness and my eyes catch the glimmer of others hidden there. Many sets of eyes are watching me from inside the trees. I want to look away but I can't. These eyes seem familiar.

They don't seem harmful, unlike the devils dragging me. These eyes bring a sense of comfort and peace. A sense of Safety. They can't be devils. Angles? In hell?

Is this hell? Am I dead? I don't remember dying. Maybe I'm not dead? Why do these eyes seem so familiar to me?

Flashes of memories,

Lying in the infirmary, unbearably cold, delirious, hollow, broken. A pair of friendly and warm deep brown eyes meet mine. He smiles and holds my hand through the darkness and the fear… Comfort

Out in the countryside on a simple mission, watering the horses in a nearby stream as we make camp for the night. The water is cold and refreshing. Young light brown eyes turn to me as a glimmer of mischief shines bright. They are both soon drenched in the freezing water… Peace

Shackles fall from my wrists. Physical and emotional exhaustion courses through my body. I'm not safe yet. I climb on a horse and ride with my rescuer, a friend for now. I'm not safe yet. We reach our destination and I stumble while getting off the horse. I'm not safe yet.

The door opens and I am embraced and a kiss of relief is placed on my cheek. A smile formed on my face, as relieved piercing blue eyes gaze into mine… Safety

The eyes of my comrades, the eyes of my family, the eyes of my brothers. And in their eyes, a spark of hope returns to mine.

Authors note:

I apologize for jumping into the first person, but I couldn't get around it as all of the second part of this chapter takes place almost entirely in Aramis' head. Usually I avoid the first person at all costs but for this it just had to happen.

(As such if I happened to jump from first to second person a couple of times, I apologize as I'm not used to writing )

Also I'm really liking this Raul character FAR more than I thought I was going to. I didn't think that he was going to play as much of a role when I started this in like 2017 or something like that, (holy shit! I'm a bad author for leaving y'all with so many long gaps without posting anything) but when do our original plans for writing anything go according to plan?

Hope y'all enjoyed it and that it's not too confusing. If you have any questions about it please don't hesitate to message me.