Chapter 13

First Cut is the Deepest...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

'Love all my moods and keep me off the deep end, Midsummer's pool and I feel it with secrets

...Watch me break down and then use it against me, watching me drown like a beach under concrete,

You're gonna get what you're giving to me, you're gonna get what you're giving to me'

-Passion and pain, Tove Lo

1.

'Come on, I need some food before we scrub in! First time assisting and it's in cardio, isn't it exciting?'

Meredith managed to plaster a small smile on her face. The way Christina got excited over cardio sounded like she was in love- which, Meredith understood in a way. She knew she would feel the same when she chose a specialty, but it felt like something constantly got her sidetracked ever since she came back to that damn city. She hated the weather, hated her house, the crowds... the one bright light in it, her safe place, Derek, her friends, and the hospital, seemed to be hanging on the verge of a cliff.

'It would be more exciting if it was just us...' hissed Meredith through her teeth.

'So, they needed 3 interns in the surgery and they pulled the new guy because they wanted to test how he'll do and if he'll choke like George...But I like this new competitive streak in you, it's fascinating... did you guys study together or something?'

'W-w-what? Did he say something?'

'I meant 'cause you studied and lived in the same city and ... wait, is there something to say? Have you slept with another guy in this hospital? This is getting interesting...'

Christina was talking as they were getting out on the cafeteria terrace with their trays, looking for the other surgical interns and friends to sit with. Meanwhile, Meredith was carefully scanning the space, trying to spot him first, to make sure she has never met him. There were a zillion people with that last name. There was no possible reason to...

Then their eyes locked over the other people sitting and his face widened in a warm smile as if she was an old friend.

'Merri!' he exclaimed and got up, while the rest of her friends looked at her wide-eyed. Christina gave her a crooked look saying 'I need the full story, asap', in sort of bewildered amusement.

'Merri?' repeated Christina as they made their way between the tables.

'Later' hissed Meredith in the coldest tone she'd ever used.

2.

She dropped the tray with chips, apple and a huge coffee on the table, and Ben smashed her in a wholesome hug, still grinning.

She kept her hands in her pockets while he wrapped his around her. When his face reached her hair, she heard him whisper 'don't you dare embarrass me, got it?' in that way of his almost without moving his lips so no one else would notice. She dug her nails in the while flesh on the inside of her hands, and prepared for the biggest show in her life. She'd nodded stiffly, just enough so he knew. Suddenly this huge magical hospital where she'd been lucky enough to meet so many people that cared about her, started to seem very small to her.

'What a reunion!' Ben exclaimed, while they finally set down, Meredith blushing in ugly dark spots on her fair skin, as he kept one hand possessively over her shoulders.

'Did you guys study together?' asked George, suddenly very interested.

'Oh, don't be so threatened, Georgi...' said Ben in a sweet condescending tone. 'We were just in elementary and high school together?'

'You were? Mer never mentioned having such handsome friends from high school...' Izzi noticed and Ben beamed at her. Of course, he charmed her. He charmed Meredith for 7 years too. All the way up until he'd shown how easily he can change once he didn't believe she'd been faithful to him. He was a grown-up too, deep green eyes, rugged brown curls, and boyish charm still there, but he'd grown too. No wonder Izzy was smitten. She had to cut that off on time, she made a mental note.

Everything seemed to have slowed down, blurred and distorted. Surreal.

'Handsome?' asked Alex Izzy, suddenly alarmed, though she ignored him. Mer noticed and ignored that too. There had been one word she couldn't get out of her head.

'Oh, yeah, we were in high school together, first love and all that... you know what they say, you never forget your first...' She noticed the steel notes under the sweetness with which he answered, though she seemed to be the only one to hear that.

'Did you say reunion?' Asked Meredith stiffly.

'Oh yeah, me and Liam, we both got into med school and matched here. We got our act together since we knew each other, all of us, wouldn't you say so?' His seemingly friendly arm on her shoulder felt a little too stiff and she plastered a smile on her face.

'Sure. Where is he interning now?' She'd forgotten to breathe.

'Here, of course. He's arriving in 2 days though, had some family stuff to deal with. But he'll be glad to see you, I'm sure. We were roommates all through med school, you know. He's my best friend now...'

His cheerfulness froze her blood like poison. She ached to shake his hand off of her body, but kept still, the fake smile still on her face.

'Sure.'

'You sure have changed too... hungry, aren't we?' He eyed the bag of chips in disapproval, and she suddenly stood up and threw the chips and coffee away, old instincts overtaking her like waves washing over the shore, and taking sand on the way back with them.

'I wasn't thinking... I must be tired. I'll get salad next time...'

Her friends gaped at her in disbelief. No one could ever get her to change her fast food eating habits until this stranger had arrived. She'd bite their hands off if they even touched the leftover pizza she loved having for breakfast. But now she was going to be eating salads all of a sudden. She shook off the feeling of their stares and got focused before they can correct her in front of him. 'I have to go prep for the surgery anyway. Ben, see you in the operating room. Bye, guys.'

'Anyone else thought that was weird? Cause that was weeeird!'

This time it was Christina who kicked Alex under the table and got up. 'I'll go prep too.'

'Well, sh**. I guess that's my cue to do the same...' said Ben, and got up, dumping his tray as well and following before anyone can say anything.

Thankfully Meredith was safely ahead and into the women's bathroom, as was Christina.

3.

'Meredith?' there was no one else in the bathroom, so Christina checked the stalls and kept knocking on hers. 'Mer, open up. What the hell?'

Breathe in and out. One. Two. Three. Exhale. One. Two. Three. Inhale. You have surgery. All else is secondary. There was banging on the thin metal door. One. Two. Three. Four. Exhale.' Meredith'

For a second everything was spinning and she couldn't connect where she is, what place, what year, what age. One, two-

'Meredith! I'll kick this door down if you don't-'

Christina. Meredith knew her friend meant that, too. She unlocked the hinge and her friend pulled the door wide open.

'Why did you leave? What is the story with you and the newbie?'

'We have surgery. We have to prepare...'

'We did prepare, before lunch, remember?'

She couldn't remember the last 5 minutes. 'We have to prepare...' She took a step forward, white as a ghost, and Cristina's hands held her in place. 'Meredith, look at me. I'm your person, remember? Whatever sh*t's going on you can tell me. We're going to operate with the dude. Assist, all of us, but still. We can't mess up. Tell me what I need to know.'

Mer stared at her, silent and unblinking like she didn't know where she was.

'Mer!'

Suddenly her friend put both her hands on her mouth to stop the sobs from escaping. She would have crumbled to the ground if Cristina hadn't embraced her in a bewildered hug. She'd never seen her cry, even when Bailey was yelling at them or about Shephard- though that seemed partly about denial, or so she had assumed. She didn't cry. She danced. She drank. She did surgeries and studied. But now she was sobbing almost hysterically and Cristina patted her back in shock. 'Mer?'

Her friend kept sobbing. 'Mer, we have surgery in like half an hour, do you need anything to calm you? Cause I'll find you something. Water, pill, name it?' Suddenly she'd launched into crisis mode. She knew this wasn't something that she could resolve in a quick bathroom banter.

Meredith tried to slow down her sobs and pushed Christina away because she felt if she relaxed she would break even more.

'I can't think- I c-can't think about -'

'Meredith, look at me, stop!' Her friend stopped, startled, taking quick breaths with the tears flowing freely now. '30 minutes. We have 30 minutes. You have me for the whole night after, I give you my word, BUT YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN NOW. Okay?'

'O-o-o-' the sobs were starting to build again. Cristina sighed and tried to take a quick mental inventory.

'Okay. Wash your face with cold water. Now! I'll be back in a moment, okay.' Cristina left the bathroom and came back in 3 min with a candy bar and a bottle of water. She broke it in 2, threw half, and gave the rest to her friend. 'Drink. Eat. You're pale and mopey. We can't let them see you like that.'

Shocked, Meredith started taking deep gulps of water and bites of the chocolate candy, feeling her blood pressure stabilizing. Her crude friend gently fixed her hair and her lab coat. ' There. You look fine. Now we're going to go to the library and use the time to quickly review the case, okay? And we're going to do our job. Until the surgery is done, we think of nothing and no one besides the person on the table. And no emotional stuff until we get home. Good? Good!'

Meredith nodded, happy to be guided and not to have to think about anything else for a while.