Chapter 16

Merri Go Round

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Thank you all for the comments, it's nice knowing someone out there is reading it. More coming soon!

1.

In stories, we get to have a break. When we're overwhelmed, we can take a sudden vacation or days off. In real life, sometimes you're not fine- and yet you are fine during parts of the day. You do what you have to do. Sometimes after a breakdown, there is a brief relief. Calm in the air, simply because you're too exhausted or too busy to do anything about a problem-or sometimes both.

Small nudge on her shoulder, and Meredith awoke with a sharp intake of air.

'Rounds. Come on. We'll get coffee on the way, I'm not Izzy.'

'Good!' Meredith's mouth curved in a little smile at the idea of her career-driven friend making coffee or breakfast.

'Bite me!' retorted Christina, pulling her in sitting position by one hand. 'Go get ready, or no coffee for you.'

'Got it!' She chuckled, unnaturally calm and clear-headed.

They had slept 3 hours, if they were lucky. But Christina hadn't complained once and Meredith was grateful. They had watched something, ate pizza, and drank tequila until they fell asleep. For the time they slept and the amount of emotions she'd used, she felt surprisingly awake and okay. On the way out Meredith looked at the mess in her office, exhausted at the sight of it. Getting it to that state was a bit of a blur to her.

'I'll deal with it tonight' said Christina in that tone of hers that suggested you shouldn't question her if you like your head.

'You're staying?'

'For a few days.'

Mer nodded. She wanted to be noble, but really she needed her friend more. They rode on the motorcycle, got coffee, did rounds. Meredith enjoyed those small things that seemed brighter to her now, the small calm moments. The wind in her hair when they were arriving, the vanilla aroma in her otherwise bitter coffee that warmed her insides, the usual buzzing of the hospital staff coming in and out as they were doing rounds, the precision in the paperwork. She'd seen Ben in the changing rooms, but she'd bit her opinions and retorts and ignored all the looks- Cristina worried, the rest of her friends both causeous and offended, Ben, burning holes through her staring. What did he want? After all the begging and humiliation she'd gone through trying to be the perfect girlfriend, to be forgiven, after tossing her aside like knowing her for over 10 years and dating her for 7 meant nothing... What could he possibly care about now? But just his presence was like opening a can of worms and she was afraid.

Afraid of what he wants. Afraid of him going for Izzy without her knowing the type of person he was. Afraid of what he could tell her friends about her. And the worst, afraid of his ...but she couldn't, so, she did rounds.

And it was weirdly meditative.

Cristina had seen it too, the glances, and reminded her that she needed to apologize to them- unless she wanted to explain the previous night. She wanted to. Not with Ben there. So she concentrated on work. She'd seen Derek, and they'd exchanged glances. She knew he saw- her skin being paler the usual, her expression unnatural. But what could she tell him in front of a group of interns? Yet another thing, on her list to deal with later. Then lunch came.

2.

She surveyed the balcony, her friends chatting with Ben. Christina gave her a meaningful reassuring look.

She turned away and dumped her tray in the trash before anyone else had seen her.

But she was wrong. He had seen. 'Hey, what's up with your friend? Should I be scared of her?' Ben asked, leaning back in his chair so much it was almost on it's back legs.

Izzy shrugged. 'She's not usually this moody.' Christina kicked her under the chairs, but she wasn't having it. 'Hey, what the hell? I know you and Meredith have this exclusive club where the rest of us regular humans aren't allowed to be in, but seriously. Even you have to admit that yesterday was seriously crazy. I think she owes us an apology.'

'I agree.' said Ben.'So why is she ditching lunch and avoiding us?'

Izzy gave him a grateful look and he smiled warmly. Yeah, she was definitely falling for it. Suddenly, Ben leaned over to Christina's chair, putting a hand on her knee all charming. 'So now, what is this exclusive club and how does one join it?'

Christina put her hand unnaturally calmly over his. Everyone looked at her like she lost her mind, knowing her temper. Suddenly her hand over his squeezed her fingers until he squeaked in pain and was close to breaking it. 'Touch me again and next time, I squeeze so hard you'll never operate again.'

'Hot' Ben concluded in faint joking smile, but couldn't hide the pain while he shook his hand free finally. Christina leaned in, just enough so that only he'd hear. 'And touch her again or say anything wrong, and I'll make sure that surgery isn't the only... action, you can't perform again. Got it?'

She demonstratively popped few grapes in her mouth, enjoying the sweetness on her tongue. He nodded, slightly paler. She couldn't be sure that he got the message, but one problem at a time. She ate few more grapes and downed a few sips of coffee fast and headed to find Meredith.

3.

Christina found her sitting on the ground in one of the corners of the medical library everyone avoided and sat next to her. She handed her a powerbar and Mer put it in her pocket.

'So, have you given up on lunch then?'

Mer shrugged. The migraine she'd managed to avoid in the morning had returned ever since she dumped her food and hid, her heart pounding.

'You don't understand.'

'You're right, I don't. Do you know why? Because I don't have all the information, okay? You're afraid of this other guy, okay, that I get. But this scum... besides being an unsupportive idiot, why are you avoiding him like he's contagious?'

Mer sighed.

'Mer...' Her friend trailed off, and Meredith hated how her friend acted now, like she was breakable. Crazy. Not that she could blame her. It still made her stomach ache.

'What's wrong with you?'

'Excuse me?' Her raven-haired friend looked at her incredulously, her voice a little more high-pitched than it had been until now.

'Why don't you act like yourself? Yell at me or something?'

'You want me to yell, fine, Gray! Get your ass up! What the hell are you doing hiding and acting like he's a God or he owns the place or something? Are you going to let him take your home, your rest, your food, your safe place? Your surgeries? Grow a backbone and get your a** to the therapist, let the people that need to know what is going on and take your f- life back! Why are you hiding?'

Meredith twitched, trying not to cry. Christina punched the wall and rubbed her forehead in frustration, kneeling next to her friend again.

'What the hell is happening, Mer?'

F**k if I know, thought Meredith, pushing the ringing sound of memories coming back to her. Not yet.

She was finally someone else. For a second, for a moment, she'd been an intern, with friends, and best friend, and a complex relationship. For a second she was a normal adult managing the complexities of her first workplace. Just for a second, she had been a normal, messy, complex human that didn't run.

For a second she'd been a person again.

But she had lied to herself. She'd never stopped running. Christina was right. He was going to take everything that mattered in her life. And this time she was far too exhausted to fight it. Christina uncharacteristically hugged her and she sighed in her embrace, too tired to fight. She'd fought the turn of events back then, she'd still believed her actions mattered. She'd fought until she's used every card she had, she'd fought until she'd stepped over everything she believed in, and she'd fought last time for her relationship until everything she'd known was foreign and unrecognizable. She'd fought until she had no voice and no strength. Slowly she'd given him everything that mattered to her without even understanding it. And then he'd thrown her out of his life, sold her out like she was lower than trash and made sure the rest of her years there were a living hell. Until one day she was nothing but a ghost of herself and still couldn't do anything about it. Not back then. And he'd shown no regret or remorse. Liam and Joye had broken her, but Ben- Ben had made sure to stomp over the pieces until there was only glass dust left and she'd been alone, and unrecognizable even to herself.

And every time he looked at her, she felt like all the years it had taken her to re-learn how to act like a normal human being were just erased.

And this time, she didn't have enough left in her to fight. She just wanted to forget.