Chapter 17

You made a fool out of me...

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

DISCLAIMER: I do not endorse self-harm or giving up in any way. The story gets darker but it will get lighter. Any character storylines are a work of fiction and not meant to encourage such behaviors, quite the contrary. I wish everyone who's ever been in such a situation to find their voice. I just know stories are never linear.

1.

Christina was right. Life goes on, eventually. Somehow, she pushed through the routine of the rest of their shift. She was in the pit, and she enjoyed the routine. The incoming patients, nurses, and doctors. The intake exams and figuring out what are the right questions to get her the most information, what doctors to page, labs to order, and so on. It was crazy fast, but it was repetitive and it slowed her mind down. She'd grown up around this hospital. To her, that felt calming. And thankfully, the relentless repetition and precision with which she was studying were paying off.

And then the day was over. She felt almost... normal. Too tired to contemplate or overthink. Even she and Ben were totally civil waiting in line for labs. He clearly wanted the job too, enough to start being professional. Had she overreacted? She headed for Joe's, knowing her friends would be there. She looked for a second through the windows, at them joking, drinking, and dancing. Even Christina seemed less serious. Maybe that was her chance to talk to them since she'd avoided them all day...

Then she saw him there and her stomach contracted. Not today. He won't scare me today. She'd promised Cristina to make nice with Izzy and George - the other option her friend presented her with was telling them the truth, so- not an option. Even Cristina didn't know yet. Fine. She'd apologize. He made her blood boil, but she'd apologize if it killed her- which, would be a relief probably. She saw him use his boyish grin and curls on Izzy and her stomach contracted again. It's not him who she should be afraid of, Mer reminded herself. After all, Izzy was bright and bubbly and not broken as she had been. She won't fall for her bullsh**. She hoped. With a sharp intake of air, she entered the bar and sat at one of the barstools, watching her friends dance, and nodded to Joe to get her usual shots.

'Got an ex over there, hun?' nodded Joe, and Meredith blushed, and downed one of the tequila shots, looking at him questioning. He shrugged.'You haven't left your eyes off him. Neither has he, although he's been preferential towards Izzy all night.'

'Is he still looking?' she asked, downing another shot, staring at her hands suddenly.

'They all are, but... yeah, he is. Got it bad or something?'

'Or something' said Meredith, downed the third shot and left a bill on the barplot. With a second of hesitation, she added another 50$. 'This is yours if you send Izzy a drink from whoever seems most attractive in the bar tonight.' She winced in amusement that died fast in her throat, cracked from lack of food and water all day. 'She likes chocolate Baileys with rum. Sweet. Fancy. Awful.'

'Get her away from the new guy, got it.' said Joe, and she was thankful for how few words he needed. The alcohol was fast spreading in a nice warm wave through her body and she was grateful for that too. She got her bag, and snuck out, not even allowing herself to glance at them. She walked through the pouring rain, and stood for a second unsure of where to go. She'd lost her safe place- places, all of them. The rain and the alcohol felt nice. At least she wasn't numb. Though she planned to be with some more alcohol at home.

2.

Suddenly there was an umbrella over her and Cristina was tucking her hand around her elbow.

'I chickened out.' Mer muttered, wondering why she felt so drunk so fast. Christina giggled.

'I saw. And what was with the drink you sent Izzy?' Mer looked at her in amazement.

'Did Joe...'

'Oh please. I'm not stupid. Neither is Izzy though, so don't think it will work for long.'

'I know. I just need it to work long enough for Alex to get pissed off enough.'

Christina contemplated for a second and shrugged. 'Not bad. Glad you're feeling up to no good.'

'Thanks. I'm woozy.'

'You ok enough to hold onto me on the bike?'

'Yup.'

''K.'

Mer gratefully wrapped her hands around her friend on the bike and rested her face on her back. When they got to Meredith's place, Cristina finally took a longer look at her friend.

'Let's get you dry and fed.'

Meredith hated Christina's unnatural concern. 'He called me Star, didn't he? Said I like threesomes?' The silence made her bitter and she nodded.' Right. Thanks. Don't need your pity, I'm good.'

She dropped her bag and started to climb the stairs like a zombie. 'Well, fine!' yelled Cristina. 'You're doing great!'

'I am!'

'When was the last time you ate, by the way, Meredith?'

'Oh bite me. Bitch!' She didn't even turn around.

'Wh**e!' Meredith giggled through the alcohol haze. Her friend was back.

The next thing she knew she was laying face down on her bed still in wet clothes and shoes, with a blanket over her, and Cristina was on the bed next to her laughing at a TV show and eating something that smelled of grilled cheese. Delicious. She rose on her elbows enough to turn to her friend.

'You're still here' she wasn't sure if she was accusing or thanking.

'Can't say you weren't warned. I'll just be here, eating my delicious, warm sandwich I just made. Only for myself.'

Meredith turned over and sat up, rolling her eyes. 'Fine. Gimme'

'Who said anything about sharing?'

'Christina!' Christina giggled- creepy sound coming from her- and shoved the plate in her friend's hands.

'Go on, silly.'

Meredith engulfed the sandwich in a few bites like a man- woman- starving, which she kind of was. She'd never touched the bar Christina gave her at lunch, so really, she hadn't eaten anything in a day and a half now. 'You're not telling anyone about 'his.' She mumbled through bites and took on the small pack of classic salt and vinegar chips her friend pushed into her hands, gulping water in between.

'Couldn't if I wanted to.' Said Cristina, apparently taken by whatever she was watching, but there was a small smile at the edge of her lips. When Mer left the plate and slid back to a laying position, she tried to keep as concentrated on the show as possible.

'Why can't you tell me the rest?' still looking at the TV, even voice, as not to spook her again.

Mer turned on her side, half asleep already. 'Signed an NDA. I wasn't supposed to see him again so it was fine.'

'It was not fine Meredith, why...'

Her friend seemed already asleep, and she sighed, adjusting the blanket over her, and heard her mutter something quietly.

'I never got to be a real person.'

3.

Somehow, the food has done its job, and Meredith awoke with renewed energy. When George, Christina, and Izzy rolled into the kitchen hungover at 5:30 am, there was a lingering smell of pancakes, syrup, and coffee already made. And 3 plates on the table. Cristina sat down and started eating, knowing this wasn't for her benefit. George was too hungover, so he ignored Izzy's icy stare and started eating, his nose deep in the coffee.

'You know, just because you made breakfast it doesn't mean you can throw us out whenever you feel like it like we are your pets or something. Or yell at us.'

'I know. Eat something, okay? I don't cook often but these are great, I promise. And they are great for soaking up alcohol.' added Meredith, unnaturally chipper.

Izzy begrudgingly took a bite, and then a few more in succession, while Mer poured her coffee.

'You are right.' Confirmed Meredith calmly. Izzy looked at her wide-eyed. Meredith never-admit-you're-wrong had just apologized. 'You live here. I had no right to yell. We will formalize your rent agreements and I promise no more yelling.

'Ugh... Okay, but...Are you...'

'I'm fine. I need to go in a little earlier. Enjoy the pancakes. You too, Cristina.'

She left before anyone else had more to say about it. She needed a moment to herself, without knowing or unknowing parties around. Moment to realize why she was still alive and how she'd go forward. Most of all, she needed a moment to get ready on her own in the changing room, but there was no such luck. She'd been trying to leave last, come first. Ben had gotten the memo apparently. He knew her too well.

'Morning, Star.'

She looked up at his unshaven chin, the dimples, the green eyes. A long time ago she'd memorized every line of his face like it was her own. She'd been blindly in love. She was no longer blind. Her face darkened.

'It's Meredith now.'

He scoffed into his locker as he was leaving his things, and she snapped, pushing the door of his locker closed millimeters from his fingers. 'Hey! You could have smashed my hand.'

'Please.' She snarked, braver than she felt.'If I wanted this your hand would be smashed. I don't make mistakes.'

'Clearly' he muttered, and 'queen of threesomes' rang in her head, multiplying. Suddenly, she pushed him with her forearm with all her strength, until his back hit the locker.

'Why are you here?' she hissed, her face so close their noses almost touched.

'Wow, you've grown some backbone now, haven't you? I kinda like it...'

She let her hand fall off of him and stepped away in disgust. Once she would have done everything for his approval. It almost killed her. She crossed her arms over her scrubs defensively. 'It's not for your benefit. So why ARE you here? We both know you're not really nostalgic for mommy and daddy now, are you? I know you.'

'I can ask you the same. Meredith Gray, who wanted nothing but to run out of her mommy's shadow. Anything else, anywhere else. And yet here you are, mooching off of her life's work.'

Something animalistic awoke in her and her hand collided with his chin. He shook his head, rubbing the red spot. She hadn't left a mark for long, but it would hurt for a bit. She'd learned from the best.

'Fine, you get this one for free. Next one won't be.' He whispered in her ear as he started walking out of the changing rooms. Her blood froze under his breath.

4.

'Why are you here?' she repeated exasperated, and he turned to her, and pulled her by the wrist. She wasn't pulling away, but he still squeezed harder. He wanted to leave a mark. Their eyes kept locked, faces close to each other. The first boy to kiss her, to tell her how beautiful she was, to support her, to love her. She saw nothing but hate in those eyes now.

'I'm here to get my apology. You never REALLY apologized now, did you?'

The truth felt like he'd kicked her in the stomach. He kept squeezing just above her wrist, his nails digging into her flesh. Small, insignificant, but powerful. Her voice was low and bitter, hiding the shock underneath. How did love turn into THAT?

'You still don't believe me.'

'I don't have to believe or not believe you. I saw the flirty pictures, you sitting in his lap. Besides, I believe my own eyes, I was there at the start. Didn't think I saw now, did you? Thought you could take me for a fool?'

Her eyes looked wide at him now, the fear sliding like poison while the realization was sinking in. His fingers dug deeper and she winced in pain. 'No one makes a fool out of me, love. You thought you can pull one over on me, but I'm not taking it anymore. I know my worth now.'

'You were there?' her voice was low and bland. He shouldn't see her like that, but she had to know. Suddenly it seemed like the most important question in the world.

'Don't worry, I didn't stay for the whole show. But I saw you flirting. I saw you between the 2 of them. Could have screamed. Though I guess you liked things in threes, don't you?' Somehow his hand had pulled the elastic of her work pants closer, close enough for their midsections to touch, for her to feel his breath in her hair. 'Guess that's why you never gave it up, did you?' His finger was making gentle circles on her low stomach, his fingers pulling at the elastic. She was looking at him in disgust, but she couldn't move. 'Tell me, did Cameron and Mark help do it for you, or did you miss me.'

'You're a VILE...'

She tried to pull away but the lock on her hand held her in place. 'Shut it bitch. I gave you EVERYTHING, and you made me wait like a princess to even touch you and then you spread your legs for my best friends. You're vile and disgusting. Tell me, at least did you enjoy it? And who are you spreading your legs for these days? Couldn't be Georgi, naaah, he's not good enough for the queen' His voice was low and seething with hatred, warm in her ear. She knew he could feel her trembling. 'Could be Alex I suppose, but the way he's hung on Izzy, I'm guessing no. So, do you still like it in threes, you little sl**?'

She pulled her hand along with the rest of her body back sharply, and he was so surprised that he let go. She left the changing room slowly, hoping he couldn't see how wobbly her legs were. She walked like a ghost with a single track mind, until she reached the bathrooms and locked herself into a stall. She fell to her knees, pressing her sweaty palms on her legs, her head ringing. 'I don't have to believe anything, I was there...Did you enjoy it?' The words rang over and over and over in her head, sinking in. Again and again. Two thoughts got to her at that moment.

He could have stopped it. That was the first. She went through all this hell, and this whole time, he could have stopped it?

The second thought came in close succession and she rejected it because her head felt like it would split open if she thought of it more. 'Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy it, Did you...' ...Liam, you slimy little fu**ing liar..."Did you enjoy it?' 'I don't have to believe anything, I saw it.' 'Did you enjoy it?'

She leaned over the toilet bowl and started throwing up.