Chapter 18

Refuge, pt. 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

DISCLAIMER: I do not endorse self-harm or giving up in any way. The story gets darker but it will get lighter. Any character storylines are a work of fiction and not meant to encourage such behaviors, quite the contrary. I wish everyone who's ever been in such a situation to find their voice. I just know stories are never linear.

1.

Derek took off his scrub cap and slipped into the on-call room, and into the cool pressed sheets, indulging in the fact that there was no one else sleeping at the moment. He'd just finished a long surgery and had said his last goodbyes with his ex-wife. After so many years, it should have hurt more, but it didn't. It was just exhausting. Things have been over way before they signed the papers. Things had been over way before she even cheated on him. Before, admitting that would have been painful. There was a lot of guilt to go around and he had his fair share in that. He knew that now, and the only reason he was okay with it, was because he had gotten to a resolve. He didn't want to dig in the past. He wanted to do better in the future. The only sad part about Addison leaving, was the 3 days he'd spent way too much time talking to lawyers and mediators, and none- talking to the only person who made him feel at home lately. Meredith. She hadn't reached out either, which he didn't expect. There had been more shadows under her eyes too- was she worried about Addison? He was all too happy to finally tell her that-

And with that, Derek slipped into an exhausted sleep.

There was a little click, then another, and some steps. Derek grumbled and twisted in his sleep. Mer smiled quietly. It was bewildering and amusing that this big man that could genuinely swallow her in a hug felt like no danger to her. She kneeled over the sheets next to him and bent to kiss his shoulder.

'Go away.' he grumbled and twisted again, and she noticed he hadn't shaved recently. She giggled, amused, and finally relaxed.

'Is that how you greet all the fangirls coming in your bed?'

He was finally awake, and he knew her voice without even opening his eyes. He knew the smell of strawberries, and he was able to tell how she felt by the tone of her voice- and whether she was yelling at him or not. That was a nice change, after all the conversations ending with 'I'm fine' that was never fine, and which he'd been too exhausted to decipher with girls before. Meredith didn't hide things from him- she hid with him. With one tired hand, he gently pulled her down, wrapping her tiny body in his arms.'All of them? How many are we talking about?' he said in an overly-excited tone and she elbowed him. 'Aw! I was going to tell you I missed you, right before you did that...'

Meredith giggled in his chest.

'You're such a girl...What did you miss exactly?'

He tickled her, and she laughed more, fake-pushing him away, and then wrapping her arms and legs around him too. He kissed her hair, and wrapped her in a tight hug, releasing a relaxed breath. He pushed her chin up gently and smushed her in a sleepy kiss. ' This. I missed this. And your smell, strawberries, and something. Your warmth. You feel like home.'

'You do, too.' She said, snuggling closer. 'And you smell of an operating room.'

'Sorry. Too tired.'

'No, I like it.'

Now it was his turn to laugh out loud, right in her neck where he'd buried his face.'You must be the weirdest woman I know.'

Mer pulled a bit back and he smushed her in the warm hug again. 'Don't run, that was a compliment.'

'Jerk. I... like you too.'

'Well, finally! She admits it!' he pushed the hair away from her neck and covered it in gentle kisses while she laughed.

'Derek-Der- ticklish, I'm ticklish!' She protested, giggling in pure joy, as he continued kissing her neck gently, and her temple right next to her eye, and then her eyelids, and then the top of her nose, and then her lips, slowly and indulgently until he felt her legs wrapped around his tighten, and her mouth gave a small moan. She wasn't laughing anymore, something in her lower stomach tightening and warming in an unusual to her feeling. Suddenly she was glad for the darkness covering the warmth rising in her cheeks, and she intertwined her fingers with his, her body straightening in response. She wanted to ask something, but he squeezed their intertwined fingers gently and continued kissing her neck and gently squeezing her waist and she knew he felt the same way.

She swallowed nervously, suddenly warm and shaky with expectation, and her eyes fluttered open.

As if he sensed that hesitation, he opened his eyes as well. His eyes were always blue, but this was the deepest shade she'd seen. There was no more laughing, just desire. She recognized it now because she felt the same. Yet unlike their first nervous encounters, he had not pulled away- nor had he pushed anything. He had kept kissing her, but never below her neckline, and his arm on her waist had stayed there, despite the opportunity for more. Despite the fact that she could feel every inch of him aching for her. She registered all of that in a split second, now that she'd hesitated and had time to reflect. She wanted more but she couldn't give him what he needed. He respected her, but she didn't want him to resent her. She gave out a ragged breath, still intertwined with him and she could feel his body react, but he didn't do anything.

She was going to pull away, starting to pull her tangled feet from his.

He pulled her hand to his lips and gently kissed the inside, and she blinked away the prickling tears.

'What's wrong?'

'I'm sorry, I can't-'

His eyes darkened in recognition, but he didn't let her untangle herself and run.'Never apologize for waking me in this sweet way, sweetheart.' His voice was rough and sleepy, and he didn't let her go, but she somehow knew she could, if she wanted to. The tension left her body, and he simply spooned her, wrapping her in his warmth, both of his hands safely around her, all of his fingers intertwined with hers and holding her close. He felt her relax and it warmed him to his core in a way he never felt, this desire to protect and hold her and keep her safe going through him in waves. 'That's it, honey. I'm okay, I promise. Every day you're in my arms, I'm the luckiest man alive, I promise.'

'But-'

'Whatever we do- or don't do.'

'Derek-' She groaned and he could sware it was the sexiest thing he'd heard. It was the first time he felt it from her- unbound desire rather than fear- even if she didn't know it yet.

'I told you I'll never push you. Never.'

She twisted in his arms to look up at his eyes. He was sincere. 'But it must be-'

He chuckled. 'It's not easy, no. You're very beautiful and sexy as hell, ain't no man is going to deny that.' Still, his eyes were calm, calm in the middle of the hurricane of confusion in her. She tried to look away, and he held her chin gently so she'd look in his eyes, and know he meant it. 'I will always wait for you, Meredith Gray. Always. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.'

Her lips covered his and her fingers dig into his hair deepening the kiss. Then she released and kissed him again, gently, biting her lips in confusion. He chuckled and her eyebrows furrowed. 'What?'

'You have no clue how sexy it is when you bite your lips like that, do you?'

She laughed and bit her lip again, without thinking about it, and laughed again. 'Sorry. Sorry.'

'Hey, I'm still a guy.'

She covered her mouth to swallow a laugh, her eyes sparkling, and he covered her in kisses while she giggled, finally finding refuge from her past. Home. He was her feeling of home.

2.

Finally, he gently put her messed up hair in place, smooth and silky, pulling it behind her ear. Gentle now. Calm. 'I did really miss you, but you haven't been around much. Is it the competition?'

'The what?'

'You know, new interns and whatnot?'

Her blood froze. She'd forgotten. Now she started to pull away, getting out of his hug for real. No hesitation or warning. He was very, very awake in a split second. He meant to hold her by the wrist to stop her- he hadn't expected her to squeal in actual pain when he'd barely touched her. In all that making out earlier, how had he missed that? He saw the panic on her face but didn't let her go.

'Meredith?'

She looked away, almost guilty and he rose from the bed to sit next to her, almost hitting his head on the top bunk. She laughed and kissed his hair automatically when she saw him hit his head, but the laugh didn't reach her eyes quite like before. She wasn't going to say it. She'd been there, she trusted him, but she wasn't going to say it. She just sat on the bed, cold chills going through her body all of a sudden. He gently pulled the sleeve of the long-sleeve cotton shirt she wore under her scrubs up, exposing the bruises around her wrist. The ones that Ben left when he'd called her vile and bitch, and the ones she was still trying to forget. Ben had been angry, and his anger tended to be like that. She was so used to it after the incident with Liam and Joye, that she could almost push it away from her memory. It was just a few bruises that would fade in a week. It didn't hold much space in her brain, that's how used to it she was. Everything he'd said on the other hand...

'Mer?'

'It's nothing.'

'What do you mean it's nothing? It's around your wrist. You didn't get this hitting yourself in the corner of furniture.'

'I didn't.'

'Then how the hell?'

'Is that really important?' Now her voice finally trembled, and he was sorry for causing that. But not as sorry as whoever did this was going to be.

'Yes, Meredith, it is. If someone is hurting you, that's important.'

'No. You knew this going in, you knew I'm damaged, so if you want a reason for an out...'

He pulled her in a bear hug suddenly and she twisted her head away from him. 'Is that what this is? You would think I would use this as an out? Jesus.' He covered her in kisses again, this time trembling in anger and pain. 'I'm not running away. No matter what you say.' She held onto him, wanting to believe it.'I know you've been through a lot, in the past. I don't understand how this is related to now. Who hurt you?'

In his chest, she kept shaking her head no, wanting to pull away.

'Tell me.'

She finally really pushed him away, rising in panic. 'Stop it. Not today.' The headache she was pushing away kept rising.

'What the hell-'

'I said no! Just let this be, can't you just let us be happy for a moment? Just for a day?'

'Mer...' He got up. 'Don't go.'

She shook her face, putting a hand on her mouth. She wanted to say everything and nothing and it was killing her. He stepped up to hug her, and she stepped away, disappointed, and bitter. She'd wanted to find a safe place from this nightmare. She was starting to see that was just a fairytale. Her world just didn't work that way. She couldn't keep pushing him until he broke like anything good in her life. And she couldn't tell him. Not any other day, but especially not today.

'Let it go.'

'You know I can't. This isn't in the past Mer. You need to tell someone. Maybe not me, but-'

She shook her head, heartbroken. 'No. No, I really don't.'

She unlocked the on-call room door with a click and walked away. It was becoming easier and easier. At least that is what she had to tell herself. And then his pager started beeping and he swore under his breath and put his white coat back on.

3.

If there was a God, he'd taken the day off, because suddenly, Meredith was in a room with Derek, a patient, and all the interns, all in one place. He asked her to present the case while they were waiting for the last intern to arrive. If there was a God, she really, really hated her. She'd known this before, that night. She'd known this when Ben's words kept circling her mind and she kept pushing away what she knew deep, deep inside of her, and when she walked away from Derek in the morning. But now was a new low, even for an entity that kept disappointing her, even if she wanted to believe in anything other than science.

Because they weren't in the same room, at all.

Derek was in a room where he asked her to present a case, and when she couldn't for some reason, he had to call on another intern. He'd have to talk to her later, but for now, they were at work and a new intern was arriving which meant more work. That was the room he was in.

The room Meredith was in, was one where she was trapped between her ex and Derek, trying to not give anything away with body language or in any other way. The room she was in was the one where he called on her, and she could see his lips moving, but she could only hear a high-pitched sound and her own heartbeat racing, while she was anxiously looking at the door. Dominoes, she thought weirdly, remembering her childhood. You never really know you're the last piece in a falling row until the one right in front of you falls. And by that point, you're way too late. Way too late. All you know is that you're falling.

The anxiety stopped. Everything stopped while his eyes burned a hole into her, looking her up and down, trying to match with the picture he had of her from 5 years ago. She hadn't changed. Good. She didn't need to look or ask. She'd know him anywhere, even if he wasn't suddenly standing way too close to her, making her insides liquify. Liam. That was the room she was in.

And it didn't matter what Bailey had said, or Christina, or Derek. Even Ben.

She knew he wasn't there by accident when their eyes locked.

She knew it didn't matter what anyone had signed or done.

So she and Derek? They were in the same room, and yet they weren't. They were miles apart. Liam was here now, and she knew there would be no running. She knew this was only going to end with one of them dead this time.