Chapter 19

Liam

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

Disclaimer: I am neither a doctor nor a medical student, so if I write something silly or wrong, please forgive me. I write this for myself, and the people that read it. If it were a published book, I would probably do in-depth research, but as of now, I can only find the time to do this occasionally for myself, so, please don't judge too harshly

1.

There are things we know, as doctors. If a patient has cancer, your recommendation is never to give up unless it's truly inoperable. Maybe even then. If a person has a condition, we refer them to those who know best how to help them, specialists, therapists, groups, and homes. We pump them full of medicine, we run labs and give them our best recommendations. We fight for their lives until there are no more cards to fight with. We defy death.

Yet, it's the doctors that make the worst patients. Never show weakness. Be better than those around you. If you don't know something, learn, If there is no way, try to find a way. Because as doctors, we know how hard winning some battles is, and exactly what they take...

(5 years ago)

Ellis Gray pushed away her daughter, who was crying hysterically, and sat her down on one of the kitchen chairs until she'd calmed enough to give her some answers. She'd given her water and a sedative because otherwise, it wasn't going to get anywhere productive. She was just back from 7h flight and 16h surgery before that as a guest surgeon on a case. She stood and listened, and analyzed the information in her head. She had worked with those boys' parents through their intern years and a few years more and they were all legacies. She on the other hand had fought tooth and nail to get where she was. Now, she spoke to them on the phone, for what seemed like a year to Meredith.

'You were drunk. As usual.'

'Yes, mother, but...' Ellis hated being called mom.

'Do you know that there are pictures of you, sitting on one boy's lap?'

Meredith twitched, now removing the falling tears hastily to show that she was completely sober. 'That doesn't make it right.'

Her mom stood quiet for a long while. 'It doesn't. We're going to sign a settlement. Both of them will pay you, which you are free to use for education or whatever you like, and in turn, you will sign an NDA to keep quiet. And they won't bother you again.'

'I don't want their money. I want them to go to jail.'

'Meredith, be serious. You ignored everything I ever told you, you snuck out, drank, went to parties, and put yourself in a situation you couldn't get yourself out of. You thought you were invincible and this wouldn't catch up with you, but it did. This is YOUR doing.'

'NO! I... okay, so I drank. I broke some rules. Like a teenager. Does that mean I deserved that? They were my friends...'

'Meredith, they were plastered teenage boys, you dressed like this, and you flirted and sat on them.'

Meredith twitched, red with embarrassment. How was this happening, how did this turn on her?

'Okay, I did, so what? I deserve what I got, mom? Or do you not believe me?'

Ellis Gray pressed her hands on the barplot to retain her control, and then she sat down.

'Meredith, listen to me and listen carefully because I will tell you something I wished someone had told me. This is a man's world. I might be on top of my field, but I had to work many times more than any of the guys around me. And there are still so much fewer women in most fields than men, and they get paid less. You have to fight hard to get what men will get handed to them. Do you understand? Say you report them, what do you think will happen? Do you know how many cases actually got persecuted from those concerning a lot more brutal situations? And you said you got out. Even with bruises, it's still your word against theirs, that's the reality of it. They will have friends who will say that you drank, and flirted. They will have pictures. So it will be your word against theirs. You will likely lose. And you will ruin everything I build for years so you have an easier future than I did. The Grey's name means something right now. You do this, and do you know what will happen? You will be the girl that got attacked. Or the girl that cried wolf. They will ask for every shred of physical and mental evidence from you, and you will get nothing. Do you really want to ruin our name's legacy and your future over that? They offered a big settlement. Take it. Make any life you wish with it. This is the most generous result you will ever get from a trial. You're 18, so I can't force you to do it, but I want you to think long and hard about it. Do you want to relive all of this for nothing and be that girl, or do you want a future free of worry? You got out in the end, right? I won't tell you what to do. I am just telling you the reality of this.'

Meredith sat in shock, the thick fog settling permanently in her brain. She'd never asked her mom for much but never expected this either. She was so shocked she started rethinking all the things she had done. Her mom was cold, but she was never dishonest. Was she right? 'You got out, right...do you want a future free of worry?' The anxiety and the shock had dulled from the sedative but not enough. But all her mom had ever cared about seemed to be work, and she worked with their parents... Was she ready to crack that carefully built career for real? Would she really lose in court? Would her mom ever forgive her if she did? Did she have enough evidence? She could barely remember the night, it kept coming to get in broken flashes, what can she say in a court?

'I'll sign.'

'Good. Be ready early tomorrow morning, I'll arrange everything. And I promise, that settlement is yours, I will not force you to use it on anything you don't want. You have my word. Now tell me if you need a check-up too?'

Meredith blushed in deep red and the fog expanded. 'What good will come out of this?' rang in her head.

'I'm fine. I got out.'

And so, she tended to her own bruises, showering, throwing away the evidence. She didn't think it was possible, but she slept deeply, and in all honesty, remembered very little after agreeing to sign. She remembered even less from her mom's words, just the feeling they had left. Her word was meaningless, her boundaries useless. She had put herself in that situation and she had to deal with the fallout.

Somehow, she'd imagined signing this would also protect her right to never hear about what happened again. The signing happened so fast her head was spinning and just seeing them in the mediation room made her feel numb and unable to speak. She read the settlement, but they were looking at her and everything she was reading looked like gibberish. Her mom approved for once, so she took her out for pancakes after and it was the most time they spent together in years. It was a peaceful and sunny Saturday, the settlement was the last she'd have to think of that night and the painkillers dulled her senses. She ate pancakes with her mom and drank cappuccino and enjoyed the sun. And just for a moment, things were okay.

And then of course, as it inevitably happens after weekends, Monday came.

And nothing was even close to okay.

2.

(present time)

She could feel him beside her without looking. She had developed a good sense for that once upon a time. And all the interns and Derek and Ben and the patient, they all faded and the fog expanded. She didn't have a clear idea when they were 'released' after Derek chose who will help in that case(Christina and Alex). She wasn't aware of how she moved away out of the room, but somehow, she'd gotten to the women's bathrooms and the relief washed over her. It was empty. She took a few steps into a stall wanting to close it, and then he walked in, his hand clamping over her mouth before she said a word. He gestured her to keep silent and let go, locking the stall.

And then he looked at her. Really, really looked at her, top to bottom, and then smushed her in an overwhelming hug with a big smile on his face.

'Always knew you'd be a heartbreaker, Star.'

'How did you-'

'Old habits die hard. You loved to hide in the stalls, remember-' She froze in the hug and she couldn't move or breathe. Show him things are okay or it might get worse. She embraced him carefully in the hug as well, unable to feel her arms. Old habits die hard, alright.

'What are you doing here?' she muttered and let go of his body, hoping he'd let her go as well. Her body stayed smushed between the thin metal wall and him, and her heart sped dangerously fast.

'It was always meant to be you and me, remember? Before Ben and Mia and Joye- not that your birthday wasn't fun, don't get me wrong...' his breath was in her hair and she closed her eyes. I can't be here, I can't be here, I can't be here. 'I can feel your heartbeat you know.'

She did now, even before his traitorous fingers landed over her shirt between them. Just over her heart. She couldn't remember what year it was, where she was and how she got there. Everything sensation around her was coming in and out of focus. F**k. 'Don't worry about the settlement, I'm not even mad. You had to lie to get my attention, I know. It's okay.'

His body was pressing hers closer and if he wasn't there, she would have slid down the wall.

'I came back for you. Now we can really be together.'

Someone opened the door and went in the bathroom, she tried to wiggle out and his hand snapped back on her mouth. She was shaking and he took that for excitement, so he pressed his lips on her neck, while his free hand trailed between her and the wall, down her lower back and under her scrubs. She could feel him hard and excited, numb to the world otherwise, her heart racing. She heard the door again. Whoever it was, had just left. The hand stayed on her mouth as he explored her body. She was shaking like a leaf as the present and past started mashing in her head. She tried to move and all of a sudden he spun her and her head was pressed to the cold metal and her back pressed against him. He had a full head over her and he was enveloping her. "I want you just as much' he muttered, pressing her so hard over the metal wall she couldn't breathe and her arms were squished at the elbows. Everything was exploding in stars.'That strawberry perfume, it always drove me crazy...' She wiggled, but there was no room to move or even breathe. 'I promised next time gets better...'

Her brain felt like she wasn't entirely there anymore, just hovering above like she wasn't herself.

'Did you enjoy it?'rang in her head in Ben's voice. The memories were mashing in her mind now. Him pushing her skirt up and- he was- was pulling her scrub pants down and feeling him skin to skin made her nauseous- he was pulling her underwear to the side- the pain was unbearable as he pressed into her and- he was pulling her underwear down and pressing-

Buzzing. There was buzzing and then air flooded her lungs again and stars exploded in front of her eyes as he released her from his grip. It took her a second to realize the buzzing had been real and it was his pager. His breath was hot and heavy in her hair. 'Don't worry sweetheart, we'll finish this later.'

3.

He was out of the stall and the bathroom, and she shut the door and pressed the latch with numb fingers. She stood like that, shaking and trying to stay - 'did you enjoy it?' - present, she had to get out and- her skirt is up and her chest is pressed over the couch and he pulls her underwear to the side so roughly that the pink lace breaks- get home, had to get out of the hospital and get home and- the door is locked and she searching for keys woozily and they are laughing at her- she tries to adjust her underwear and her scrubs, though her fingers are entirely numb- something sticky is running down her legs as she's trying to turn the key unsuccessfully, the air hitting her bare insides painfully without the underwear under her skirt- she presses the latch again and almost cries when it finally moves. She's out- the mahogany door slams behind her as she runs through the drunk partying people, forgetting- the door slams behind her as she walks numbly, faster and faster-

'Meredith'

The voice is familiar but she doesn't stop. 'Did you enjoy it?' Her heart is ticking like a timebomb before the blast that will demolish everything in its path.

'Meredith! Dr. Grey, are you okay?'

There are familiar blue eyes. She keeps walking towards the changing rooms to get her keys.

'What?'

She's trying to speak, but her voice is cracking and low, and if she does she'll cry or scream or throw up.

'Keys. Keys.' The changing rooms are empty and she's there and the blue eyes are looking at hers with concern.'Home.'

'Meredith. Meredith, what happened?'

'Get me home.'

'What happened?' Derek repeats, just as her shaky hands drop her bag and the world spins out of its axis and goes black. The world comes into focus again as he gets a hold of her before she falls down and she takes a step back, her stomach contracting in fear.

'Don't' He lets go and she sways. -The mahogany door slams and she still hears the laughter and something sticky is on the insides of her legs- The blue eyes are still staring at her. 'Get home.' She repeats before her last stubborn nerve breaks. It's still only 9:35 am. - it's not even 2 am, and the party is going full-on as she tries to elbow her way through drunk, sweaty bodies- 'Get home.'

'Okay, but I'll drive. Will you give me the keys, please?' he begs, and she feels her arm reaching out to his. Their fingers touch when she hands over her keys and bag, and she almost jumps out of her skin. He gently wraps around her something like a jacket. Her jacket. The warmth is nice but the strawberry smell makes her nauseous. -She's out on the street with the cold night air hitting her cheeks before she realizes the party was in her home, and there's nowhere to run, but she runs anyway- She lets him lead her away and put her in the car.

Her cheek hits the cold surface of the car door window, and there is motion.

'I'm taking you home, okay, sweetheart.' -'Don't worry sweetheart, we'll finish this later.' - 'It's always better the next time.' -She motions him to stop, opens the door and throws up, and closes it again.

'Okay.' her voice is low and shaky. She drinks the water she's handed and lets him drive. Then the world goes black again.