Chapter 20

Triage pt. 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

Disclaimer: I am neither a doctor nor a medical student, so if I write something silly or wrong, please forgive me. I write this for myself, and the people that read it. If it were a published book, I would probably do in-depth research, but as of now, I can only find the time to do this occasionally for myself, so, please don't judge too harshly

1.

Triage (noun)

"the preliminary assessment of patients or casualties in order to determine the urgency of their need for treatment and the nature of treatment required."

Meredith was swimming in the darkness, far and disconnected from the present. Pieces of reality occasionally reached her.

'How the hell did you let this happen?' Christina.

'Me? What about you? I don't understand what happened anyway...' Derek.

'Are you dumb? How could you let those idiots come back into her life?'

'Who?'

'Seriously? Are you brainless? She told me you know what happened to her, so how did you let this-'

'Wait, one of them is here?'

'Seriously?'

'Yes, damn it!'

'Try 2. New interns, ring any bells? Did you not notice their first names?'

'SH*T! I AM GOING TO-'

'STAY here. She needs us.'

'Fine. For now. Should we try to wake her?'

'Let her sleep. I don't know what's happened, but it doesn't look good.'

'Fine. But then they are out of this hospital and then they are dead, I swear to-'

'With you on that one.'

'Meredith? You okay?' She couldn't move or speak. She was swimming in the half-dream, kicking and twisting her body on the bed at home. Blackness came again.

'We have to leave for rounds soon, what should we do?'

'I'll stay with her.'

'Don't be stupid, you have surgeries.'

'You have rounds. I'm not leaving.'

'Ditto.'

Everything fell into the blackness again.

2.

Floating felt good. There were no decisions to be made, no drama to handle, and most of all-

She slept and she kicked, and she twisted, and she slept.

In her dream there was a little girl and a boy, left to roam the hospital by their surgeon parents. Well, left in a certain room, which had snacks and a couch and TV, but was otherwise boring. So, they would always sneak out while their parents were away and be back by the time they checked on them. They ran into the pit just as some emergency was happening-train crash. There were too many victims to take care of, so one of the attendings ordered the interns to start triage assessments and they stared dumbfounded, having never done that.

Merri couldn't take it anymore. 'You take the red, orange and green bands and if the patient is in critical...'

The attending gave her a cross look. 'Great, you're all being outsmarted by a 5-year-old. Take notes. You, little lady, aren't you supposed to be in the break room? You too, son.'

'Dad!' Liam protested.

'The break room is boring...'

'Off you go, the both of you!'

They ran out and found their secret passage to the room. They climbed up, laughing loudly.

'Did you see their faces? I thought they were going to faint or something.'

Liam laughed whole-heartedly.

'Well, my dad wasn't too happy either. You were amazing though; how do you even know that word anyway?'

'Meh. My mom leaves me around way too much and the breakroom is no fun.'

'I agree. One day you're going to be a star surgeon though.'

'I don't want to be a doctor.'

'Why not?'

'Both my mom and your dad are alone, aren't they? I don't want to be alone.'

'Let's make a pact than.'

'Like?'

'Like... if we are doctors and still alone by the time, we are 35, we marry each other. That seems too old.'

'Deal.'

'Pinky-swear?'

They interlocked their pinky-fingers. 'Never alone.'

'Never alone.'

'I'm so glad I met you, Liam.'

'You too, Star.'

Meredith woke up with the air knocked out of her lungs and sat up in the bed. Her lungs were contracting uselessly, and her fingers were scrunching up the sheets around her. Derek was sleeping exhausted to her right, and Christina was reading something on her left. Now she stopped and turned to her.

'Meredith.'

The nausea and fog rose through her. This had gone way too far and her skin felt like it was crawling. Too many people, questions, sounds. Everything was loud and harsh and invading. She slid forward through the bed to get up without disturbing the people around her.

'Meredith...' The walls and furniture were swaying from side to side, coming in and out of focus as she stumbled forward in uncertain, wobbly steps towards the bathroom, seeking the support of anything in her path. Thank God her bedroom had its own bathroom. Finally, her feet stepped on tile and she slammed the door straight into Christina's face, ignoring her protests. She locked, and then she sat in the bathtub. She put the water to fill the bathtub in the hottest setting, using the sound to drown out her sobs.

It wasn't a rational thought, or any thought for that matter.

There was just this crawling, nauseating, gut-wrenching pain that made her cry until her stomach and ribs hurt. She couldn't think of anyone else or anything else, she couldn't breathe. She couldn't assess anything until her heart stopped beating like a hammer. She reached for the under-sink cabinets, pulling things and not bothering where they fell, until she got to the scrub brush she usually used for the tiles. She peeled her wet clothing and started scrubbing her skin until it was red, but the crawling feeling didn't dissipate in the slightest. She kept scrubbing and sobbing, not sure which felt worse.

'Meredith Grey! Let me in!'

She froze suddenly, following the voice by force of habit. It was Miranda Baily.

3.

'Let me in Grey. Now. You can be naked for all I care, we gotta talk.'

She heaved, pulling back the tears, the world coming in focus for a first time in a while.

'Grey, now!'

Mer rose from the bath, seeking the balance of sink and tiles, her knees still just as wobbly. She wrapped a towel around her body with shaky fingers, and froze at the door.

'I send them downstairs, Grey, it's just me.'

Meredith unlocked with shaky fingers and backed off, then slipped into the warmth of the bathtub straight with the towel. She hugged her knees to her chest, and awaited judgement, too beyond exhaustion to actually care what Bailey had to say. She could kick her off the program or yell or say the sky was green, for all she cared. It all is freaking the same. She didn't care to think, or make decisions, or talk or move. She just wanted to keep sitting in the hot water.

Bailey walked in, assessing the damage. Meredith gave her a red-rimmed look. Her eyes were surrounded by deep shadows as if she hadn't slept until now.

'This is not about your mother, is it?'

Meredith looked dumb-founded. 'What about her?'

'She... died, yesterday. I'm sorry. Izzy and George thought that's why you didn't come. You have 3 days you're allowed to take.'

'Oh' She didn't have any tears left.

'Yang and Shephard didn't say anything.'

'Right.'

'You still have 2 days, but than you have to come back, you know that, right?'

Meredith laughed dryly. 'It's fine. I quit.'

Bailey looked at the mess of spilled items on the floor, the broken perfume bottle in the trash and the spilled water around. Finally, she sat over the toilet seat and looked Meredith straight into her blue eyes.

'You're not quitting unless I get an explanation.'

'Excuse me?' Her voice cracked and she finally cared about how she looked. She tried standing again, and simply could not, shaking too much. Great. What a weakling must she think I am.

Bailey ignored her protests. What she couldn't ignore was the few random bruises in purple on what she could see of her body. She kept her voice even. 'You went through medical school, exams, recommendations and interviews. I hand-picked you because I saw how gifted you were. I don't know what's going on, but you're not quitting.'

Meredith had nothing to say so she stared straight forward at the wall, doing her best to ignore Bailey. Childish, she knew, but it was all she had energy for.

'Now, get up, so we can begin'

'What?'

'Don't make me repeat myself, Grey.'

Meredith tried, and almost slipped back in the bathtub, but Miranda held her by the elbow for support. She stood, holding on the tile on the other side.

'Bailey, I...'

'When was the last time you ate anything? Drank water? Showered properly? Has anyone checked you out?'

Meredith was surprised to find that there was any blood left to rise through her face like fire.

'What day is it?'

'O-okay. Drop the towel.'

'Excuse me?'

'Unless you want me to drag you to the emergency room, drop the towel so I can help you shower and see if there's anything else. We can use cream on the bruises so they heal faster, but I need to see if there's anything else that needs medical attention. When we're done, I'll make food and a hot drink and you're going to tell me what the hell is happening so we can make a list and I can help. I can't help you like this.'

'I don't need-'

'Did I seem like I was asking a question?'

'Christina...'

'Everyone is at the hospital; I send them away. They missed a lot already anyhow.'

'But I...'

'Towel, Gray.' Repeated Bailey in the stern voice that made interns fear her. Then she added softly. 'Meredith, I will be on your side, whatever this is, but you have to let me in, first. You're safe. I promise.'

Meredith's grip of the dark grey towel loosened just enough so that Bailey can take it, and let it drop to the floor. The mess wasn't priority right now. Meredith stared straight ahead, still covering her body with her hands as much as she could, but Bailey could see there were more bruises. She clipped the showerhead back to the upper tiles, and let it run like a shower.

Meredith let the hot water pierce her skin, and didn't move an inch.

'Meredith.' Miranda's tone was softer now. 'Let go. It feels way worse than it looks, I promise.'

Meredith unclutched her fingers and let one hand drop to the side, using another to support herself on the wall, while Bailey took a sponge and some shower gel and started washing her body. She whimpered as Bailey moved over the bruises, but Bailey didn't let that deter her. She didn't push, but didn't let her hide either. Her hands were steady the same way they were in an operating room. That girl- as far as Bailey was concerned, 23 was still plenty young, especially in the medical world- that girl had went through something bad and she was going to do everything in her power not to hurt her more.

But letting her just fade away and drown in that pain, that was unacceptable.

Meredith Gray was one of the brightest interns she'd had in a long time, and she could see her becoming a very special doctor, and woman, and a person. And she might cry a little more now, but it was necessary. Sometimes healing included a little pain- or a lot. It was why doctors were there, to not be swayed by the emotional side of things so they can adequately help. Seeing her intern shaking and covered in bruises, and scared out of her mind, was not part of the plan, but life had a way to surprise you. Not always in a great way. So, when she saw her in the bathtub, both the doctor and human side of her kicked in.

Time to assess the damage, so she can help.