Chapter 21

The 5 Stages of Grief

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

Disclaimer: If you get triggered by sensitive subjects such as abuse of any kind, please feel free to skip.

Also this was the hardest chapter I've had to write in a while, but had to be done to get to the rest of the story.

1. Denial

'Eat'

'I'm fine.'

Meredith was hugging a blanket and a bottle of vodka on the couch. Bailey gave her a cross look.

'I can see.' Meredith took a sip of the vodka, and stared straight ahead.

'Grey, I am not a genie or a unicorn or like ... your ghost of present or something. I don't disappear if you wish me away.'

Now that she was out of the bathtub and on a couch, alone with only only Bailey in the house, she was mortified. Her superior, boss, teacher- and she'd had to help her shower. Didn't get any lower than this. She took a sip of the bottle and covered her face with her hands.

'Still here.'

'Jesus!'

'Nope. Just Bailey. Eat. I don't cook and I just spend half an hour making pancakes so I wanna see a clear plate. Now.''

Meredith took a bite. 'You should stick to surgery.'

'You should consider shutting-the-hell-up.' Bailey felt some relief. Meredith seemed a bit livelier. She took a bite out of her own pancakes and made a face. 'Fine, ordering pizza it is.'

Bailey ordered them some pizza and for a lack of a better idea, took the vodka bottle out of Meredith's hand.

'So?'

'So?' Meredith felt numb.

'You, Shepherd and Yang have not been to the hospital in a day and a half.'

Silence.

'I saw the bruises, Meredith.'

Shrug.

'You do understand that your mother just died and you cried less about that?'

She stared at the floor. F**k. How can she get her to leave?

'I am your boss, and you have been skipping work left and right...'

'Told you, I quit.'

'Didn't work then, it ain't getting better, Gray.'

In the bright lit living room, hiding seemed much harder. 'Give me the bottle.'

'No. Sorry. Now I need a coherent explanation of what the hell is happening.'

Meredith shook her head and kept shaking it. She covered her face again.

'Meredith.'

She looked up, cautiously.

'Do you want to be a surgeon?'

'YES.'

'But you're quitting?'

Meredith covered her face again and Bailey rubbed her temples against the developing headache.

2. Anger

'I DON"T want to talk about this anymore!' finally said Meredith, sitting up, exhausted of evading.

'We haven't even started.'

'So why don't you just GO? You sent Christina and Derek back to work so WHY are you here?'

'Someone needs to deal with your mom's funeral and-'

'Fine, I'll figure it out, anything else?'

The pizza had arrived half an hour earlier. The words still seemed impossible to experience, cope or otherwise say in any manner.

'Eat something. You haven't been awake much for the better part of day and a half from what I gather, eat.'

Meredith eyed the pizza and habits kicked in. 'I'm fine, just GO.'

'Were you raped?'

3. Bargaining

Meredith's eyes shot straight at Bailey. 'Is that what you care about, if something like that happened in your precious hospital?'

'No. I care about you.'

..

...

'I wasn't. Now. I wasn't.'

'Then?'

'Then his pager beeped just on time.'

'His- wait a minute, does Shepherd know who-'

'He doesn't-didn't...'

'Name?'

'W-w-what?'

'Whoever is involved in this, family name? Now, Meredith!'

'A-adams. Ben. And Collins.'

'Collins...?'
Meredith was shaking again.

'L-l-i-a-m.'

Bailey turned surprised. 'The new interns.' Meredith's face became an ashy color, and she didn't need an answer.

'Phone! JESUS where is your phone?!' it took forever for the hospital to pick up, but someone finally did. 'Get me Yang on the phone. Now. Yes. NOW! ...Yang? Shepherd knows? I need you to keep him AWAY from Adams and Collins today. YES I am SURE. THAT"S AN ORDER.'

On the other side of the line, Christina looked at Derek's hand smash into Liam's face. 'Is it too late if there's blood already?'

'YANG! Get them separated and keep it that way for now. YANG! NOW!'

Bailey slammed the phone and took a sip of vodka. 'Jesus. We have their parents are on the executive board. I need to know what the f*** happened, now!'

She didn't realize she was still yelling. Meredith was heaving again and Bailey ran fingers through her hair and tried to calm down. She had done what she could for now, as far as the hospital was concerned.

Meredith on the other hand had seemed to have moved few steps backwards, pulling her knees to her chest. When Bailey tried to sit next to her, she frantically pulled backwards. Her eyes staring at Bailey were completely glassy and dazed.

4. Depression

'Meredith?' Bailey stayed in place. 'Can you tell me what happened?'

Meredith's eyes were still looking straight through her, but she shook her head negatively. The pieces of memories she'd pushed down for years, and which had been coming back ever since Liam, were threatening to consume her.

'You were attacked?'

Meredith closed her eyes. There was barely a nod. 'Collins or Adams?'

'C-C-c-o-'

'Collins? Okay. You're doing amazing, okay?' Bailey wanted to be softer, but she knew she needed Meredith to get it all out first. She made camomile tea and added some of the vodka in it. She made Meredith drink some of it, keeping her hands on hers to keep them steady, although Meredith seemed scared. The drink slid through her body, warming and soothing.

'N-n-not-thing h-h-appened. H-he... g-g-got paged.'

'Gray.' For a first time Meredith's eyes focused on her, and she managed to even take another sip of the tea without spilling it. 'Just because you got out doesn't mean it's not a crime.'

'I can't prove anything.' Meredith said, repeating the words she heard from her mom over and over ago. ' I have no proof, nothing happened and if it did noone will believe me and I'll be the girl that cried wolf and it's better saying nothing than tarnishing forever over one night that you can't even prove...'

Now Meredith was rambling. She hadn't eaten since Christina's sandwich that night (she couldn't place what day it was yet) and the vodka was getting to her. Bailey took advantage of the moment. There was no helping while she was in that shock state.

'Who told you that? And didn't all this happen in the morning?'

'My mom.'

'Your mom? But she was dead when...'

'Not now...' Said Meredith, finishing the tea and getting the bottle again. 'Then.'

'When?' Meredith took few deep sips, officially drunk and relieved.

'That night that nothing happened... But don't worry Bailey, I am still a virgin, so who cares what did not happen and didnot need my blood tests to...'

' Meredith- Meredith!' Now she took the bottle, starting to lose the story again. 'Concentrate. Blood tests? What the hell-'

Meredith's words reached her drunk mind finally and exploded in a cluster of information that made her want to throw up and never stop.

'Nothing-nothing-nothing nothing- it didn't happen, it didn't happen, it -'

'Grey, where do you keep your medical records?'

Meredith snapped her hand around Bailey's wrist now to prevent her from getting up, and the sobs started escaping out of her. 'Bailey no, no you can't, please you can't, I just, I don't- I won't, please stop, please stop, I can't, just...I don't- nothing happaned, please, you can't, please'

Bailey stopped and put a hand on hers.

'Meredith... breathe, can you do that? I'm not going to do anything without your permission, okay?'

'I- I- I-' she slowed down, moment by moment.

'Better?' Meredith released her grip on Bailey's wrist, but Miranda didn't let her hands go, holding them warmly. Meredith nodded miserably. 'You know them from before, correct?'

'Yes.'

'I don't need to know everything, but I do need to know what happened at the hospital. You do not need to say everything, just answer. But you are free to add anything you want and it's just between us, if you feel like doing so. Is that okay?'

'Yes.'

'Who knows any of this? Is it just Shephard and Yang?'

'Yes. No. They know about before. They know something wasn't right yesterday. That's all. I c-c-couldn't...'

'You were in shock. That's okay. Yesterday it was just Collins, but you know Adams too?'

'Yes. But you don't- he is just- he's not a good person, but he didn't-'

'Okay. I am not firing him. Yet. Just breathe. You're doing great. What happened yesterday? I saw you with all the interns and Shepherd with the patient in room 307.'

Meredith nodded, biting her lip to blood. The pieces of memories trying to fit together since that morning were dangerously close. 'Did you enjoy it.' 'Meredith?' Her eyes snapped back at Bailey.

'Whatever happened now, it was not your fault, it's over and you are safe. Do you understand that?'

'It's never over, though, is it?'

'You are safe, I promise.'

'You can't promise that.'

Bailey sighed. 'Maybe not. But if you tell me I can make damn sure he doesn't work in that hospital, or any other for that matter, okay?'

'No one will-'

'I believe you. Okay?' No response. 'OKAY?'

Meredith nodded.

5. Acceptance... if you believe in that stuff...

'Bailey. Nothing happened yesterday, I promise.' She pulled her hands around her knees, clutching the blanket like it was a life-saver.

'Even if he didn't finish, he attacked you.'

'So?'

'It's still assault.'

'Someone walked in, walked out, didn't even notice. I can't prove anything.'

'OKAY, we're going in circles a bit. Go back. You were in the patient's room, interns got assigned and they let the rest of you leave the room. It was his first day here. Then what?'

...

'You're safe. Close your eyes and tell me what was next.'

'I went into the bathroom. The women- I got in a stall and he followed me-'

'Why?'

'He wanted to finish-' Repeat, kept saying her mind, finish is the wrong word, the word is repeat... '-Finish what he started years ago I guess. He thought- he said he knew I wanted the same. I-I- DIDN'T, I DIDN'T, Bailey, I didn't-'

'I know.'

'How?'

'I saw the bruises.'

Meredith sighed, her whole body aching tight knots of pain from all she was saying.

'So someone walked in?'

'Yeah, yeah, but, he made it so I couldn't say-'

'How?'

'He pushed my face against the wall and I couldn't move or breathe...'

'And then?'

'The person was just gone and we were alone again, and so he tried-'

'He tried what?'

'I can't.'

'Meredith, you have to say it. I know what happened, but you have to say it. And we can go from there. But you keep holding it in and it's killing you slowly. It's robbing you out of your future and your ability to be yourself. So you have to say it.'

Meredith pressed a hand on her mouth for a second, and tried to shake off some of the tension in her body.

'He pushed me against the wall and felt me up and pushed until it hurt and my face was pressed and my lungs and I couldn't breathe. And he started to pull my scrubs down and pushing his body over mine and if he wasn't paged, he would have raped me and I wouldn't have been able to even move.' The tears were quiet now, as she word-vomited all of it out. There was no relief yet. THIS wasn't the hard part.

'Thank you.' Bailey said, 'Now we-'

'Bailey?'

'You're right. I can't even trust myself, it's that hard thinking about it. It's been killing me for years.'

'What do you mean?'

'Everyone thinks I got away, I thought I got away, the first time.'

Bailey held her breath, understanding this was the first time Meredith was putting the pieces together- the pieces of something much, MUCH worse.

'Go on.'

'I didn't get away, I DIDN'T get away until they were done, Bailey. I'm still a virgin but I didn't get away then.'

Meredith hid her face in her knees, relinquishing control. She felt Bailey wrap her in a hug, and let the warmth envelop her. When she woke up next, she was in her bed upstairs, with Christina and Izzy on both her sides. George and Alex were sleeping on the floor on both sides of the bed. Somehow that made her feel slightly better, and she sunk back into the dream, feeling safe and protected.