Chapter 21

Triage pt. 2: Alex

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

Disclaimer: If you get triggered by sensitive subjects such as abuse of any kind, please feel free to skip.

1.

Soothed by being surrounded with her friends, for a first time since she saw Ben, Meredith slept peacefully. For about two and a half hours, that is. Once the light started coming in, Alex, who was sleeping on a chair, positioned so he can watch her, woke up startled. She was crying in her sleep and kicking all the sheets and pillows off the bed. He climbed on the mattress and shook her.

'Meredith! Meredith, wake up!'

She did, sharply trying to stand up and knocking him straight forehead to forehead. He let go of her shoulders.

'Oh! DAMN it! S**T! Settle down, it's just me. Meredith?'

She was leaning on one elbow looking straight through him and breathing in and out frantically. Faster and faster. 'Meredith! Ugh..' He rubbed his forehead, wondering whether to risk another smash, but she was breathing faster and faster. He put his hands sharply on both sides of her face, and she sat up, looking at him frozen and wide-eyed, nothing like the over-confident hot girl he'd seen the first night they met. The breath was still coming fast, but she was biting her lips to blood to mask what her body couldn't. However, her eyes were focused on him now.

'Meredith? Take 5 deep breaths. Five. Come on.'

She tried making her lungs expand and contract. 'Good. Come on, one more. Breathe in, breathe out.'

When they reached 5, her breathing was still erratic, but a little less so.

'Tell me 4 things you see? Meredith! Hold onto my arms and answer. Look around the room. What are 4 things you can see?'

She shakily put her hands on his elbows and tried to look around. Everything was coming in and out of focus and she could feel the cold sweat on her forehead.

'Meredith!'

'Ugm-ughm-uhm- win-window.'

'Good, good job, 3 more?'

'Ugh-ugh -I- ugh- C-curtains. Curtains. D-door. Ughm. I-I - Chair.'

'Ok. Good. Now 3 things you can touch.'

'Ugh-I-I-your forearms. Sheets. Pillow behind me.'

'Two things you can hear?'

'M-my heart. Your voice.'

'One thing you can smell.'

'Your aftershave. Calvin Klein, Eternity.'

Alex laughed and released her face.'Good nose. See, you can breathe now.'

She blushed deeply, suddenly extremely aware of the situation. 'Jesus. Bailey left you to look after me, didn't she?'

'All of us, when we're off, until your leave ends, and you come back to the hospital.'

'F**K.' Both embarrassing and presumptuous. Damn it, Bailey... Then the second thought reached her and she started to panic again.

'Mer, wait! If you plan on head-budding me again, please warn me.'

He was serious as he got up, backing away from the bed as she got up. But he also held her by the elbow when her knees almost buckled.

'You're fine. C'mon.'

'Where?'

He considered the thought. 'To breakfast outside, and then then to show you something.'

'Something?'

'Relax. I'm not some fu**ing rapist like that sh**head at the hospital.'

'How much do you know?' He let go of her, hands in the air to make her relax.

'Do you mean from Bailey asking us to watch you around the clock or from Derek sucker-punching that new douchebag Collins?'

Meredith twitched but tried to retain some composure- given the fact that she'd just been calmed down from a nightmare by ALEX, and she was still in her pajamas. So many questions to ask, but she wasn't calm enough yet. For a first time in days, her stomach growled- sign that she was finally feeling a smidgen of safety enough. 'Either I guess.'

He looked slightly uncomfortable now. 'I know about the bathroom and Collins. And before you swear again, Bailey had to tell us. We're your people. Besides, if we're holding a contest on screwed up past, I would win.'

'Hard to believe.'

'I'll tell you over breakfast?'

'Okay, but I need shower first.'

'And possibly some clothes.' Suggested Alex helpfully with his usual smirk. She lightly punched him in the arm. 'Ow!'

'Don't be a baby, it was not that hard.'

'My soul hurts.'

'You need to have one first, Devil Spawn.' She joked, and he gave her a warm smile, which let her know just how worried she'd made all of them feel.

'Sorry.'

'Go shower and get ready, and you can make it up to me over blueberry pancakes. I know just the place.'

Meredith nodded and headed for the bathroom, steadier, and feeling a bit like herself despite the situation.

2.

It was clear, she wasn't going to talk. She was digging into her pancakes, but not really eating them- although she found they smelled delicious. Her face was red. 20 minutes, 3 refills of coffee and nothing but digging into her plate uselessly, Alex got tired of letting her 'find her moment to speak'.

'Fine, let's start with the elephant in the room.' She looked up at him, which was progress. 'You don't want us to know, now we know and you are wondering how we'll talk about it or what we've been talking to each other about.'

'Pretty much covers it.' She took another bitter sip of coffee, afraid if she ate she'd throw up from the subject.

'And you feel sh**ty, weak and embarrassed.'

'That was uncalled for.' Meredith was about to get up, when he put a hand on hers, and something she had forgotten completely about happened to her- she froze in fear.

'I wasn't trying to be mean. I know how it feels.'

'Sure.' Her voice was dry and scratchy. 'Let go of my hand.'

He took a look at where he was holding her arm, and then- at the ashy color her face was becoming, her pupils dilating fast. He took his hand off hers and purposefully dug into his pancakes.

'Okay. I'll tell you one thing about me that I don't want people knowing, then you'll take a bite and tell me about something about what happened to you.'

She nodded dumb founded that she could have potentially gotten Alex to open up, unless he was actually making fun of her.

'When I was 16, I had to knock out my own brother, because he was off his meds and was trying to kill our little sister. He thought she was a burglar. He's schizophrenic, born that way.' Meredith was staring at him with an open mouth. 'Okay. Now that you know, take a bite and tell me something. And close your mouth.'

'You're right, you win screwed up past.' Meredith said quietly and took a few pancake bites, juicy and covered in maple syrup and fresh blueberries. Having intentionally avoided eating for a while, they tasted like heaven to her.

'Your turn.' he reminded her, and she stopped chewing. He was right. He didn't have to tell her something so awful, but he did.

'We know each other from before. He followed me in the stall in the bathrooms and pushed me in the wall so hard that I saw stars. I couldn't even breathe, let alone push him off. Still got bruises from it, and yet he still thought I wanted this.' She managed in one breath. More coffee.

'My sister still has nightmares from my brother chasing her with a knife, yet I left her to come here to study. Do you?'

He knew the answer, so she wondered why he asked. 'Few more bites, Mer.' He'd never called her Mer before, but she decided he'd earned it.

'I have had nightmares ever since they came to work at the hospital.'

'Ben and Liam. But not about the bathroom?'

'No, not about the bathroom.'

'Take a bite. Come on. To screwed up past?'

'Fine, to screwed up past and skeletons in your closet, although my past is dangerously close to being a present.'

They knocked forks with pancake bites and ate in silence for a bit. 'My mother will never let me live it down that I left her with our little sister to come out here. My brother is in prison.'

Meredith took a few more bites. 'My dead mom whom I am yet to cremate, made me sign an NDA basically saying I agreed to having a threesome I was forced into 5 years ago.'

The realization of what she'd just said hit both of them about the same time and Alex stopped eating.

'You can't tell anyone, Alex, please.'

'F- the NDA, did you get out of that situation?'

For a first time in a while, she let a breath out, and let things be as they were. 'No. No, I didn't. Still a virgin though, in the traditional manner, so how's that for f-ed up?'

Alex was quiet for so long, that she couldn't stand it, and she started getting up again, but he put a hand on hers. She stopped, the metal aftertaste of fear rising through her. 'You win.' he said with a heavy voice. No jokes anymore. 'Come here.'

She didn't know why, but she moved to his side of the booth. He swallowed her in a bear hug, and she blinked a few times to stop the tears, uselessly. 'I'm sorry you had a sh**ty mother.'

'Ditto.' She said through tears, relaxing in the hug. She'd somehow made more friends than she thought, and it was a relief to say it out loud, although she still didn't want to believe herself. And then he said what she needed to hear.

'You didn't do anything to provoke them. No man wants to force a woman, unless something is wrong in their head. Not yours. Theirs. Okay?'

She nodded in his shoulder, still digesting what happened to her. Then she took a deep breath and retreated from the hug a bit. 'Alex they can't know. Not the other interns, not even Christina. Not Derek. I can't- okay?'

'I thought they would-'

'They think I got out.'

'Why?'

'Because that's what I thought up until 2 days ago.'

He nodded and hugged her again, deep hug that she relished. Then she shook her head off, and retreated, regaining her composure by moving back to her side of the table. And then taking a few more pancake bites. Sometimes life was just that crazy, and you just, had to keep eating.

'Alex...' she let her words trail off like the syrup, knowing they'd already crossed some invisible line of how much you can say, some line that made you friends for life, but still so cautious.

He nodded, and intentionally continued eating to show her things were okay.

'I won't tell.'

'Okay, but... '

'But what?'

'This is not me flirting, okay, I'm with Derek.'

'Trust me, I would be scared if that was your flirting...'

'Because...'

'Meredith, you have to stop being scared of me assuming things, okay? I like to joke and mess around, but I'm not an abuser, okay?'

'I know. I just... I'm sorry.'

'Ask.'

'You have been with plenty of women, right?'

He shrugged. 'Possibly.'

'So... I can't ask Derek that because he'd want to be sweet and supportive, okay.'

'Okay.'

'I need the truth.'

'Got it.'

'What if he doesn't want me after he knows, if he knows? Or what if I can never be with him and enjoy any of it?'

'First of all, if he doesn't want you anymore, he'd be crazy. But judging by the way he punches for you, you have nothing to worry about. Second- you will, enjoy sex, when it happens normally.' She blushed in deep purple at the word, and it was another of those moments he was starting to realize how unexperienced she was and wonder how he hadn't noticed before. 'Don't worry. It will just happen, once you get over being afraid.'

'Promise?'

'Promise. Now come on.'

'Where to?'

'I had a better plan, but it will have to wait. Guess we need to go cremate your mother?'

Meredith made a face, officially not hungry.

'Okay.'

'I don't think my condolences fits here, but...'

Now she burst in hysterical laugher, and he joined. 'No. Nope. Not really.' When she calmed down, she added soberly. 'Let's get this over with.'

'Yup.' They paid and left the breakfast bar. He could practically hear her think and torture herself. She kept staring the ground.

'Alex?' She pleaded. He stopped and wrapped her in a short, but big and warm hug.

'Stop torturing yourself. It will happen with him when it happens, and you will enjoy it. Promise.'