Chapter 23

Triage pt. 3: Izzie

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: Having a hard time this week so chapters might be a bit darker. Hope you stick around anyways. Good prevails sooner or later.

Disclaimer: If you get triggered by sensitive subjects such as abuse of any kind, please feel free to skip.

1.

The next morning, Meredith opened her eyes to find Izzie next to her, shaking her awake. She shook her head, and pulled a pillow over her head. The room was too bright, and she'd gone through hell of a lot talking and baring layers of her soul with people over the last days. She was spent.

'No!'

'Don't be a baby, I have a surprise, come on!'

'Does your surprise involve coffee?'

'And double chocolate brownies that just finished baking.'

'I hate you.'

'You love me. Come one sweetheart.'

Meredith went stiff and frozen, but Izzie pulled her up. How the hell does she tell her that the endearing nickname made her want to throw up?

'Come on, coffee downstairs, just get dressed.'

'Izzie...'

'Yeah?'

'Please don't-'

'What?'

'Nothing, it's fine.' The embarrassment colored her face and she let her bubbly friend go downstairs while she dressed and pushed the nausea away. She was safe.

She couldn't believe it when she saw where Izzy brought her. It was a live body painting place, and she had booked her a private session. She hadn't even known body painting was a thing, except perhaps if you were dressing for Halloween or pregnant and fancy. The woman that greeted her was extremely nice and positivity radiated off of her. She explained what they did- basically, she painted your whole body, top to bottom, over nude underwear if preferred. She used people's bodies as canvas to make art and then she took a photoshoot, as a memory.

She explained to her that she would ask a few questions to get to know her, then use that, to create the art. She showed her some extremely beautiful pictures. A girl in a forest, covered in deep green vines and wildflowers. A man standing with the ocean behind him, covered in blue ripples and white foam in a beautiful intricate design. She loved the concept, but she hated being surprised. She'd answered the questions numbly, and changed into the nude double piece swimsuit, shivering. The woman assured her nerves are perfectly fine- but she knew it was not at the slightest what she felt. The indignation was rising through her chest. After learning about her internship, and a bit about her family, and some other details- to be fair, Meredith had no clue what she'd said to her- the painting started and she held her breath. There was a lot of black and white. The concept was something of an Amazon warrior woman or rather-

Her hair was up in a bun on the top of her head, and the woman was painting her back in black with white bones and vines of roses spiraling through- it's what she was told anyway. She just saw the black, red and white paint, felt the brush twist and turn, and push over her back. She'd been told to be still and she was, but the nausea and anger filled her more and more the lower the brush got. When the brush started from the back of her knees and started moving up, she ran. The woman narrated everything she did, so there was no surprise, and the brush was soft, and still she just saw stars exploding, and being pushed against the couch 5 years earlier, a body pressed over hers.

She ran blindly into the changing rooms, sitting on a bench and rocking back and forth, trying to stop the memory. Her breath was quickening between helpless sobs.

'Mer.' Izzie's voice was so gentle she hated it. 'I'm sorry. I thought seeing that touch can be used in many different ways might help. I thought-'

The anger rose, spiraled and exploded between the tears.

'Yes, YOU thought, ALEX thought, BAILEY thought, CHRISTINA thought... nobody cares what I think...'

'That's not true, Mer, you know that... I'm sorry if this place was too much. Genuinely, but you know that...'

'You don't get it!" Hissed Meredith through helpless tears.

2.

'Bailey doesn't get it! You don't get it!' All of-' she was sobbing beyond her power, not fast enough in removing the tears from her face. 'This-this is a f-cking circus okay. I'm not sick-'

'I know that.' Izzie kneeled in front of her, looking up, putting her hands on Meredith's knees in an effort to soothe her and be there for her.

'You don't know -a-a-anything!' Her words were full of poisonous anger. 'Have you ever had all your power, all your agency over your life stripped away? Taken by someone? Bai-' She was sobbing, her face contorted, and her knees shaking under Izzie's fingers, but she couldn't stop.'Bailey thinks she's helping, but she's doing it all over, don't you see that? I have no agency in this. All of you, you come and go, and I ha-ve no choice in the matter. And you think it is sweet, but all it's doing it's taking MY agency over how I CHOOSE to deal with what happened to MY body, okay?'

'But you're not- you're not dealing.' Izzie's face was contorted now too, the tears starting to flow.

'I have no safe place Izzie, my life is GONE, don't you get it? F**k. I just wanted a fresh start. And now it's here- she gestured around herself and towards Izzie thought the tears. ' Okay? It's in the hospital when I see them, and at Joe's and at home, and it's everywhere, and I C-A-N-T breathe, don't you get it?' Meredith was sobbing so hard getting the words out that Izzie's face had become a blurry blob in front of her. 'It's everywhere. They are everywhere now that everyone knows. And I can't be ME.'

Izzie buried her face over her hands on Meredith's knees, filled with pain and regret. 'Mer...'

'Do you- have- ANY idea, what that feels like? I'm not a person anymore, I'm a story, I'm a symptom to manage around your f-ing schedules. I'm not your FRIEND anymore, I'm a nuisance you need to manage.'

Izzie shook her face negatively now, pulling Meredith to get up. She removed her own tears. 'Don't f-king say that. We're all here for YOU. Not because Bailey effing told us to. You want us to leave this? We're gone. You want me to give you time to just be out on your own, fine. But we aren't here because of Bailey. But because we love you, OKAY? YOU should have told us! Did you think we would judge? That we wouldn't be on your f-cking side?'

Yes, the obvious answer was yes. All the people that had sworn being there for her had dropped off at the drop of a hat after the NDA, after she stopped hosting parties. They had all sworn to be friends for life. None of them stuck around after that night, after the guys and her former best friend poisoned them. No one ever even asked her if it was true. Not one person. She was just the passing joke, just as fast as she'd been the most popular girl in school before.

Unconditional friendship? People actually believing something because she said it? That was new. Meredith looked at Izzie blinded, exhausted, and suddenly hugged her. Her hands were clutching at Izzie's clothes in pain and her whole body was shaking. When she stopped, she sighed deeply, retreating a step back. Izzie kept hands on her shoulders steadily.

'It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. We're all here, okay. This is not a nuisance. This is anger Mer, it's pain, for you. It's love. It's what friends are for.'

Meredith closed her eyes, exhausted.

'I yelled at you.'

'It's okay.'

'It's not. I'm sorry.'

'Thank you. Mer? This is fully your choice. What do you want to do? What do you need?'

She opened her eyes. 'I need to be out of here. I can't- I can't- I CAN"T- okay?'

'Okay. Maybe we should clean what she-'

Her chest rose like someone hit her and she stumbled backwards. 'No one is touching me.'

Izzie nodded. 'Whatever you need.'

'I need to not be everywhere where I'm reminded of them. I need good food and good wine and Derek. I need to forget for a moment, okay?'

'You trust him, 110%?'

'Yes.'

'Okay.' Izzie nodded. 'Call us a cab to get home and give me a moment.'

3.

When they got home, Meredith saw Christina and Alex unpacking containers of her favorite takeout foods into boxes and putting them in a backpack.

'Are you kicking me out?' she laughed dryly, but she was only joking a little.

Christina looked up. 'Don't be stupid. Go get changed.'

'Changed?'

Izzie turned to her, cautious if she'd done right this time. 'Derek is picking you up in an hour.'

'For what?'

'Your choice. You guys have a penthouse booked for the night- we all chipped in. There is a jacuzzi, balcony, even a piano. There is a gazibbo and an inside garden that will make you forget you're in the city. A view of the city from the terrace if you want that. There is a bedroom and separate living room, so you can choose your...ughm... sleeping arrangements. You can use the room or not. Your choice. You said you wanted him somewhere you can forget. They have room service and a restaurant, which you're free to use, of course, we just packed some of your favorites in case you want that. You have choices. Now go get ready.'

Meredith stared at her for a moment, then hugged her deeply and ran upstairs to get ready. About 45min later, she called out from upstairs.

'Izzie? Izzie, please come?' Meredith pleaded.

'What, What?' Izzie ran upstairs in panic and stopped at the entrance of Meredith's room. 'Oh honey, you're beautiful.'

Meredith twitched, uncertain. She was wearing a long sleeve wrap-dress in deep purple, the closest to color she felt she could handle that day. It was stretchy and covered her curves nicely, but still went down to her knees slightly looser, leaving something to the imagination. There was a simple silver necklace with a diamond star on her neck, and diamond teardrop earrings in her ears. Almost no makeup, just mascara, and a tinted pink lip balm. She was wearing simple black boots with wide heel and black tights underneath. She'd played with the idea of the nude ones, but her legs had some bruises still. Her hair was soft and falling in slightly touched waves over her shoulders.

'Izzie...'

'You can tell me now. You hesitated in the morning, but I feel we've moved beyond that, right?'

'I wasn't fair, I'm sorry. You all took time out of the hectic internship schedule to help, I shouldn't have yelled.'

'No, you shouldn't have. But you were right. We were making choices for you, even if we were trying to help. You need to make some yours. But that's not what you wanted to say now.'

'No?'

'And this morning. There was a moment. I didn't want to ask then, so- I'm asking now.'

Meredith stepped from foot to foot. Izzie continued.

'You're right. You need your safe space. So tell me what's wrong.'

'It's those words.'

'Which?' Izzie tried to think back over everything she said.

'Beautiful, perfect,... especially... s-s-sweetheart. He-he called me that, he called me that when...'

'Okay. I'm sorry.'

'Me too.'

'You called me up though...'

'Yes, I... ' S**t, why was phrasing things still so hard? 'Help.' She pointed at the left side of her neckline, where there was still a pretty nasty purple-blueish bruise. No swelling, but the color was deep and pretty hard to avoid. 'Please.'

'Okay. We just need a bit of foundation, touch of powder, make up fixing spray. Not to worry. But Mer, Derek knows.'

'Please.'

'Okay, no problem. Come on, sit down. Can I?' Izzie's fingers froze just short of touching her neck and the middle of her chest. Meredith nodded grimly and braced herself. 10 minutes later, she took a look at her masterpiece. 'Okay, you can look.'

Meredith looked. Her neckline looked as if it was never touched. 'Thank you!'

'Anytime.' There was a ring at the door. 'That's him. Perfume?'

'I broke it.'

'Mer!'

'I can't do strawberries anymore Izzie.' Izzie gave her unreadable look, but decided it wasn't the moment to ask. 'Okay. Wait here.'

She returned with a star shaped bottle with the words Angel on it. Mer gave her questionable look. 'When it comes to those things you just gotta trust me, okay?'

Mer closed her eyes and let Izzie spray some perfume on the sensitive points, and rubbed her wrists, taking a whiff. Soft, feminine, slightly flowery, but powerful. Pretty good. There was another ring of the doorbell downstairs.

'Go open, come on.' Meredith gave her a completely 'will-he-like-me' girlish nervous look. 'He'll die when he sees you, I promise. You trust him, I trust him. You're ready. Go!'

Meredith ran down, followed by Izzie's voice.

'Take the backpack!'

'Yes, mom!' Mer giggled, pushing the nerves down, as she opened the door.

He took her in, top to bottom. 'You're breathtaking.'

'Thank you.' His voice was still heavy, because the second thought in close succession was scanning her for signs of what he now knew happened the day before. He put hands on both sides of her face, looking up and down to make sure she was okay. Then he crushed her in a bear hug and she clutched onto him, finally able to breathe easier. He covered her hair with kisses, not letting her go of the hug. 'Don't you ever scare me like that again, honey.' She blinked against the tears and nodded in his chest.

The air was heavy and filled with emotions, until Alex coughed. 'Get a room you two. Oh, yeah, you have one, use it!'

'Why? I can make popcorn. It's like a soap opera, but like, with live people...' interrupted Christina, now elbowed by Izzie, who was admiring the result of her work. Thank God she'd thought of a way to make it right, the morning was a disaster.

Meredith laughed, hiding her pink cheeks in Derek's chest. 'We should...' she coughed, and took the backpack too fast for them to have any other comments, and hissed at them, the pink becoming red. 'And all of you, ZIP it!'

'Those are going to be some beautiful babies!' She heard Christina's voice as she pushed Derek and herself out the door. But for a first time today she felt normal. She never had a normal family or friends to share the awkwardness of first dates. She'd gotten together with Ben way too young- they were 10 or 11, playing spin the bottle at one of their first boy-girl parties, and she barely knew what any of that meant. There was no anticipation, no parents to be suspicious of her. So this behaviour actually amused and relaxed her. She got in Derek's car, still blushing, and they drove towards the hotel.