Chapter 29

Shaky ground

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

1.

Derek's hands circled her face and he didn't let her kick him out the door.

'Mer.'

She felt like shock was going through her in waves of feeling surreal and displaced, like what was happening wasn't real.

'Look at me.' He insisted, unwaivering. She twisted in his grip and ran in the bathroom to throw up. Everything in her was revolting against the reality of what she'd just done, She felt him follow and pull the hair out of her face as she threw up again. Her whole body was shaking. He ran his hand over her back, trying to soothe her. It didn't seem to help; if anything it made it worse. He felt a bit shell-shocked too. He'd seen her go through a lot since they met. They had seemed to get closer and he thought she'd trust him by now, but she just seemed more scared.

His mind was ruminating over all the ways he could hurt that guy, and he couldn't breathe deeply at the thought, but he concentrated on her. For NOW. 'What can I do?'

'Nothing. You can't do anything. S*t. I should have kept my mouth shut. I thought it was right to tell you. And them.'

'It is.' He ran fingers through her hair, down her jawline. 'You don't have to be alone in this now. You have us. Talk to me. Jesus, you're burning up'

'I'm f-' before she'd finished he'd gone through the bathroom cabinet and dug out some paracetamol. She took it quietly.

'You're not fine'

She was shivering, but she said nothing. She was doing all she could not to throw up again. But he looked worried. He tried to hug her and she pulled back.

'I'm disgusting. I flirted and I drank and I crossed lines I shouldn't have-'

'Mer-'

She couldn't explain to him, couldn't put in words, that feeling of someone doing whatever they want with your body before you have even known what it feels like to be with anyone. That grimy feeling like you're no better than an inanimate object and you might as well be mute because your voice doesn't really count in that equation. That feeling like your skin isn't your skin and your body isn't your body and- she shivered. Thinking wasn't healthy here. It just made her want to throw up until her throat was raw and scrub her skin until every trace of them was gone; but it wasn't. It was never going to be gone.

Suddenly he was hugging her. It was over before she protested but he couldn't watch her like that, beating herself up like this.

'Meredith I'm in this.'

'You don't have to-'

'I love you.'

'What?!' She was dumbfounded. The moment in the hotel room she was dying to tell him she loved him had passed.

'I love you.' He didn't seem to waiver at all. Or like he made a mistake.

'You can't-'

'Tough luck.'

She hugged her knees and rested her head on them, becoming as closed as she could in that position. She wanted to be happy, but she felt nauseous at the situation she was putting him in. She looked so tiny and vulnerable.

'I'm not going anywhere.'

'I can't-I can't-'

'You don't have to do anything you don't want. But I'm still in love with you and I hope to god you feel the same way one I'm not going. I don't want to scare you If you don't feel the same and you don't like me I'll go. But don't push me away because you're scared. You already tried to tell me in the hotel room, remember? I think it's good. I think it was about time you say something. Should I go?'

She paused and swallowed back the words at the back of her mind. 'No.'

'So talk to me.' he relaxed a little. 'What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of what I'm thinking? Or are you afraid of me? Don't make me guess.'

Her body was trembling again from the access adrenaline coursing through her. Her eyes were big and glassy. 'Oh God. I hate myself. I don't want to feel like this.'

He contemplated silently and spoke calmly and clealy. 'All cards on the table Mer. I love you. That's not changing. You're afraid of me?'

She blushed in deep brick red, feeling ugly and disgusting, and her stomach recoiled even though there was nothing left in it by now. She swallowed back, and the tears slid. This wasn't fair, nothing about this was fair. But now that Liam was back in her life she kept having these broken flashes of the part of that night that had left her so scared she couldn't think about any of it being real for all those years. Until he pushed her into a wall and that feeling of his body clamped in an iron grip over hers came back with a vengeance. That feeling that she was- nothing. Nothing mattered, no matter how she tried to escape and screamed in his hand, she could still feel his hands pulling off her underwear and the pain when- for a second her mind was blank like she'd had hit her head and the whole world was pulsing. She had bit her bottom lip to blood. For a second, her mind was in such shock that she forgot where she was, what date it was, what she was doing. The pain was vibrating through every cell of her body, and she was holding it together by clutching her knees to reduce the shaking, biting down her lips to calm herself. IT WAS . NOT. WORKING. Her mind span and twisted, trying to escape the full weight of the memory.

'Love-'

She took a deep breath, but to her surprise it came out as a whimper. She tried again few times in succession and her chest rose up and down in panic as she tried to find words.

'It's okay, you can tell me anything. Tell me the ugliest parts of it, let go. I'm not going anywhere. Meredith? Can you hear me.'

'Don't- pressure me!' suddenly she was putting space in between them in the tiny bathroom, suffocating.

He looked at her shocked. She'd seemed scared, shy, when they met. She'd seemed scared of sex or intimacy in general. Not of him. She'd always trusted him and this caught him off guard. He hesitated, scared. 'I- wasn't. That's not how I meant it. You don't have to say anything you don't-'

His hand that was reaching towards her hesitated; she was literally shaking in fear. 'Mer?' It seemed stupid to ask her if she knows where she is. Stupid on some level. On another, she looked right through him, and he really wasn't sure if she sees him. She was white as a sheet. 'Okay. Okay.' Should he retreat? He didn't know sat on the ground. 'Mer? Should I go?'

2.

The disappointment in his voice reached her, and it stung. She loved him, even if she couldn't say it yet and the change in his voice alarmed her and brought her back to the present.

'You're scared of me?'

'Derek...' The pain in his voice killed her. She hadn't intended to cause any pain, but yet she had. She wasn't sure what to do with that.

'You were never scared of me, even when you were scared of sex.' He was in too much pain to choose his words better, until she literally twitched at the word sex. He desperately wanted to hug her, but it was as if there was an invisible wall between them now. He sighed.

'I'm- I'm sorry.'

'Oh love!' he wasn't sure how to proceed. He couldn't walk away; couldn't get close. That hurt. 'Talk to me. Please' He insisted, blindsided of how this whole thing had happened. He knew it wasn't personal, but seeing her back away from him in fear still stang.

She buried her face in her hands, in her knees, as if that was the only way she could protect herself from the truth. Her voice was really tiny. 'I'm scared-' Her voice trrailed off, and he finished the sentence bitterly.

'Of me. You're scared of me. Why? What did I do, what changed, I don't- jesus.' He couldn't watch her tremble like this.'You know I would never ever hurt you. You know-' Inadvertantly his voice had gotten louder and her shivering bugged him. He didn't want to be like that, but he was only human, frustrated and hurt.

She held her voice in, now scared of the development of things. It wasn't fair to do this to him. It wasn't fair to do this to herself. 'I'm-'

'STOP! Stop saying you're sorry, it's not your freaking fault!' He yelled, unable to stop himself. He got up and went to the dresser to ger a drink. He couldn't handle seeing her this scared and in trying to be careful he'd made a big mistake and probably scared the hell out of her even more. He hated himself. He poured tequila in 2 glasses, bitter and uncertain and sorry.

3.

He sensed her behind him before he turned, the flowery perfume overpowering his senses. He turned quietly to face her. His eyes were burning through her, but for few counts he said nothing. Neither did she. Her body was still trembling, but she took a few scared steps towards him, and slid in the warmth of his arms. Her tiny arms wrapped around him and her scent enveloped him.

'Don't go.' It was barely above a whisper, but it was certain. He insisted though. He had to insist even though he knew it was hard.

'What?'

'Don't go.' She repeated with a bit stronger tone, burying his feverish body into his.

'That's not fair.'

'I love you, too.'

'What?'

She looked at him now, her stormy eyes finally concentrating on him, like she was finally seeing him.'I love you too.'

He swallowed. Her warmth and her scent were intoxicating, but he was mad. And now he was scared to be mad and that was not a good start.

'Meredith-'you can't-'

She covered his face in kisses. But that last talk cut deep and it wasn't enough. 'Stop.' She froze. He sighed. He didn't want her hurting, didn't want her scared, but he couldn't keep pushing to someone this terrified. It wasn't fair to either of them. He brushed his lips against her, trying to think clearly. 'You can't say what you said and then do this. You have to talk to me.'

She stilled in his arms. He sighed. 'I should go.'

'Stay.'

'You're not ready.'

'Stay.'

'Mer-' She was doing all the things he loved, hugging him with her face and her body flushed against him. And he was scared to move. 'You can't do this to me. Have you seen- Meredith you're terrified. I'm sorry, but you are. I shouldn't stay if this is how you feel.'

He felt the tears on her face and he ran fingers through her hair to comfort her, but it didn't change his resolve. ' I have to go; for us both.'

'I'm not- ' The cold fear of losing him trumped everything else. 'Okay'

'Okay what?'

'Just let me- let me- let me take a-'

He untangled himself from the hug, and handed her one of the glasses with tequila without saying anything. She nodded greatfully and took a few sips for courage. 'Please just listen, okay...'

He softened. He knew how much courage it took for her to try to put that feeling in words. 'That's all I've been trying to do honey. I never want to push you to do or say anything you don't want'

'I know. Just let me say this, okay. I'm not- you haven't- you're wonderful and the idea of us being-' She blushed without wanting to, suddenly imagining both of them in bed for real. 'Together. The idea- I wanted us- I wanted us, you know- you know' she insisted, blushing furiously. He tried to hide a small smile at the edge of his lips, forgetting anything but how good she looked with rosy cheeks. Just for a second, and then his face was serious again and he nodded. 'When we met I didn't- Liam wasn't here'- she couldn't quite hide the fear shooting through her body saying his name, but she continued. ' He wasn't here and I- it's- I didn't- some details were far and blurry but now I remember-I r-r-remember how much it h-h-hurt and I-i-I am scared of- of how I feel of not being in control because it's all about contol and I can't- that feeling- I don't' She had to use all her will not to throw up again. It killed him, and confused him, but he couldn't interrupt yet. 'I'm scared of your body and I'm scared of what I want and I'm scared that it will never not hurt like that and I'm just-I can't be so much out of control I didn't feel like me and I'm scared of- I'm scared' She blabbed, deeply ashamed.

He stood silent for so long that she almost retreated.

'You think it's about control?'

She nodded through tears. 'That sex is about control?' Something like relief was going though his face and she pouted.

'Not funny.' her voice was dry and scratched. And still scared, he noticed and contained his reaction.

'Oh love. You think sex is about control?'

'Isn't it?' She asked, so innocent and frank that he looked at her with all the warmth he could. Suddenly he was her Derek again. He shook his head, between worry and relief.

'No. Not even a bit.'

She looked at him surprised. She couldn't bring herself to ask. He hesitated,, gentle again.

'Can I come closer.'

She sniffled in a happy nod, trying not to cry in relief. He took few heavy steps and his body was flush with hers again, and she could feel the heat rising in waves. He gently raised her chin so she would look him straight in the eyes. 'It's about connection honey. It's about both of us. And it might hurt a little at first. But I promise that doesn't last. And it's nothing like what you know. I promise you.'

His voice was lower now and she could feel the electricity between them. Her body, finally calmed, ached in an unfamiliar way. She took a shaky breath. 'Derek, I don't know what to do- at all-'

'We don't have to do anything. We aren't doing anything until you're ready. Okay?' His fingers wrapped around her waist and she shivered, relieved and tingly in a good way.

'Derek?' she said quietly. 'Please don't give up on me.'

'I'm here.' He said simply.

'I want it to be you.'

'I know.' He whispered. She could feel he wanted her, but she also felt him restrain himself. 'We're going to take it one step at a time and we are never in any hurry and I will not cross any line you aren't ready for. Ok?'

She nodded and buried her face in his chest. 'Can I say-'

'Always.'

'You didn't-'

'I will listen to anything you're ready to share. You just have to let me in.'

'Okay then.' She buried herself in the warmth of his body. She'd hated fighting. She knew saying all she felt was a shaky ground, but she knew for both of their sakes she had to be honest now. She couldn't see him this hurt again, to know she'd hurt him like that. She'd never before felt so intertwined with anyone else, like hurting him her her as well. He was hers, and although she still didn't know how to be with him, she knew if it was anyone it would be him. She was his, too.