Chapter 30

Boundaries

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: I do understand that Derek's actions in the last chapter were a bit confusing... but also, he's human. And many people don't know how to deal with someone's trauma. However evolved he is, he has never had to deal with anything like this and I have seen this cause tension in the best relationships... truth is that trauma affects everyone involved, however unfair so navigating being in a relationship when you are dealing with it for a first time is tough at the best of times. They will find their way.

1.

Derek woke up with the air knocked out of his lungs and the previous night came to him at once. Meredith wasn't in her bed anymore, and he quietly snuck downstairs to look for her. She was facing away from him, but heard him immediately and handed him a big mug with dark coffee.

'Mer.'

'Sit and listen. And drink your coffee. It's good.' She was playing with her fingers and took a few sips of coffee for courage.

'Did you sleep at all? Were you cleaning the sink?'

'I finished the whole kitchen-'

'Have you slept?'

'Just listen.' He kissed her on the top of her forehead and sat on one of the chairs, alarmed.

'Okay.'

She was pacing and nervous, but weirdly calm. 'What you did yesterday wasn't fair.'

'I know, I-'

'Let me finish. I know seeing me like this is scary. But you can't say I can say anything I want and then push me to talk. It's not fair. This can't be something I talk about because I'm scared of losing you.'

'I'm sorry.' He was regretting deeply the night before, unsure of what had come over him. 'I was scared I was losing you.'

'Derek.'

'It won't happen again.'

She moved closer now, and put the coffee cup away, sitting in his lap and burying her face in his neck. He loved when she showed affection like this. 'I know this is scary. If anyone knows it's me. But you can't push this. I have to have the space to work it out in my own time, or else this can't work.'

'Okay.'

'Okay?'

'Yes. You're right. Wait, are you-'

'Yes, I'm back to work today.'

'Do you want me to come-'

'I have to talk to him on my own.'

'I hate this.'

'I know. I'll take Alex to be nearby if things go sideways, I'm not stupid. But I need to do this on my own.'

He kissed her neck and her lips, drinking in as much as he could from her warmth. 'Okay. I'm sorry about last night.'

'You need to give me some credit here.'

'I do, I just- what happened to you is so unimaginable and I just-'

Shadow passed through her face but she stayed calm. 'It is.' She shrugged. It was her life. There is only so much time you could run from yourself. 'But if you want us to be us then you have to give me the space to do this. For myself.'

He hugged her quietly in agreement, and for a first time didn't really want to get to the hospital at all.

2.

'How does this work?'

Derek sat uncomfortably on the couch, unsure if he should just

'Start with what comes to mind first. What brought you here?'

The therapist looked very calm and serene, but he still felt like he was betraying Meredith. And also like he needed some pointers to avoid screwing up again.

'I screwed up.'

'How did you screw up?'

'I'm seeing someone and she's going through something that-'

'Anything you say here is confidential.'

'I know but I can't-'

He couldn't say it. All this time he'd pushed her to talk about it, but now that he was doing this so he can be a better partner, he couldn't say it. He sighed, frustrated with himself. His hands on the side of his body curled in tight fists in his effort to stop being angry.

'She was -' He brushed the side of his face, played with his keys in frustration. He'd moved some of his work for a later time to go to the women's clinic and not involve anyone in the hospital, for her sake. And now he felt mute to put into words the horror she'd gone through. ' Someone hurt her when she was younger- and I don't know- I don't know-'

'Abuse can be tough subject to deal with, both for the victim and for their family. Was she physically abused?'

His body ached imagining what she'd described. 'Sexually too.'

'How can I help you today?'

'I pressed her to talk about it. She was- she seems scared of me and I pushed her to talk.' He ran his fingers through his hair. 'I can't imagine how awful it must have been going through that night and I wanted her to let it all out and I think I pushed too much.'

The counsillor contemplated her words carefully. 'Mr. Shepherd-'

He opened his mouth to correct her to 'doctor' and then reconsidered. Probably best if he's an anonymous random man right now.

'I know this is hard for everyone involved. What your- partner- went through, it took her control. What happened to her broke her ability to control her agency over her own body. If you press her to talk before she'd ready, you are taking another choice from her.'

'So what do I do? What do I do now?- I just- I keep fantasizing about killing him.'

'While that is understandable, you're not helping anyone by hurting her abuser. The choice was taken away from her. You have to let her come to you. Spend time together, do something you both enjoy. Talk with her as much as she wants to talk. Let her choose if she wants to report the incident or not. You have to let her regain control of her own life. This is how you heal.'

' So I was an idiot. I've been pushing her to talk to me since the start-'

'She still confided in you. That shows some level of trust there.'

' But yesterday I pressed too much. And today she said I needed to let her deal with this in her time.'

'She told you what she needs. That is a good sign. She'd trying to heal. You just need to honor her boundaries. She trusted you with part of what she went through, that's a huge step forward.'

'And what do I- ' Damn it. He'd been to couples counselling with Adisson. He'd been married. He have had girfriends before. He never felt so tongue-tied about sex before. 'I don't want her to think I don't want to be with her. But I don't want to pressure her either.'

'You have to let her take the reigns in sexual intimacy for a while. Let her come to you in her own time and tell you what she wants. Don't push beyond where she tells you her boundaries are. Be open to talk with her about what she's confortable with, but let her initiate the conversation in her own time.'

'How do I know if I did- what if I scared her?' He thought back of all the times she panicked when she wanted to start things and then he stopped thiinking and then- It was hard to think that what he had done might have been the wrong move. He'd definitely scared her, and that hurt. He'd done the best he'd known at the time and he tried to be careful, but he'd let himself forget sometimes until she got scared. He'd screwed up.

'You're still together and she's trying to communicate. That is a positive sign. t's a scary thing sometimes. Relinquishing control when we are worried. You're here now. So you just let her take the control in this. Let her initiate and stop when she needs to. Don't push her away but let her decide what she needs in getting help, in talking about it, and in physical intimacy. And that could look different for different people. Some withdraw from intimacy entirely while others take the opposite approach. Hyper sexuality can be a different form of regaining control of their life. Let her make the decisions right now.'

'Okay.' His head hurt just contemplating all of this. He couldn't even begin to imagine the strength Meredith must have to talk about all this and still try to be with him. Like nothing happened. He knew he'd have to do better now. For her.

3.

When she finally saw Liam walk alone in the changing room, her stomach had become an iron ball of fear and weakness. She knew Alex was following close behind her, and she knew she had to do this- if she wanted to have any peace working here, at any level. Still, the irrational hightened fear that made her skin crawl when she got any close to him physically sunk its claws in her throat. She'd screamed in his hand until her throat was raw that night and it had done nothing. She was nothing to him. And now he was here and he must have had brain damage to think what he'd done to her was something she'd wanted.. What him and his friend did. But here he was. Painfully real. For a second she thought she'd lost her voice.

And if she didn't know Alex and all her other friends were nearby, she would have shamelessly run and hide.

But, they were there. And her pride won over.

'Liam.' Quiet. My voice is too quiet. She thought and the high-pitched noise in her ears increased. A grin spread on his face and he was in front of her, too close, in seconds. A chill passed through her. What did I want to say? Her mind was blank, even though she'd rehearsed this at home with fingers digging in her fists until her skin bled. He took a step forward and she stumbled back in panic. 'We have to work together.'

'We are.'

'You can't-'

'Star-'

'Don't!' S**t. Her voice was tiny and scared. She didn't want to sound so whiney in front of him, but he was looming a full head over her and she was starting to doubt her ability to hold it together. 'I'm Dr. Grey to you now.' For a second, just for a second she could see all the years BEFORE, growing up together with him, sneaking through the hospital playing, having sleepovers, sharing secrets. Until she had gotten together with Ben, and Liam was with her best friend. They were all inseperable. Just for a second. But then, this was BEFORE.

And this was now.

'You reported me! Were you trying to provoke me? Damn, Star, you have really grown up-'

'Stop-' Her back hit the wall. Definitely a mistake. He still thiinks I want him- her teeth were shaking like it was the middle of winter. She couldn't breathe. Everything became foggy and displaced and she forgot she wasn't alone. She could only feel his breath close to her face. The fear bloomed in ugly unever red spots on her face, sweat surfacing on her forehead. He pressed his body over hers and she could only hear her own heartbeat.

All that lasted about a second, before Alex's body rammed into Liam's, taking him straight to the ground, even though Liam was taller.

Liam tossled with him and shook him off. 'You little bitch! If I wasn't late to scrub in you wouldn't recognize your face after-' Hissed Liam, as he straightened his scrubs and ran out towards the surgery he was meant to observe. Alex hit the floor in frustration, and then shook it off to check on her.

'Hey, you ok?' Alex. Alex was here still. 'Should we-'

She was standing, frozen, exactly where she'd been before that whole scene, unable to move. When Liam called Alex a bitch, that night became vivid again, him screaming 'frigid bitch' after they had let her go and she'd ran out of that house in her skirt with no underwear, with her wrists red where they held her, with that feeling of something wet sliding on the inside of her legs. Of the red streaks sliding down her legs and into the drain while she was trying to clean that stupid night off of her skin after. She'd watched in shock the blood washing off of her. She hadn't realized until that moment that the pain radiating in the lower half of her body had real physical implications.

'Meredith-' Alex wanted to step closer to see how she was and then she just couldn't. And she just ran outside and to the bathrooms without being able to stop herself, cursing herself for feeling so weak.