Chapter 33

Turn the clock back

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

1.

Derek carressed her hair in quiet contemplation as he weighted the options in his mind. He didn't want to let her go out of his sight. Something was happening and he couldn't put his finger on what. He felt like despite the incident with Liam, up until the moment he left the hotel, they had been on the same page. Fighting for the same thing. She was finally opening up. And in the one day- less than 8 hours- that he had been far from him- something had shifted. Between their fight, and his counselling, he almost missed it, that invisible shift. But it was there. Something had shifted right before he'd come in the house to see her after he'd finished surgery. On a first glance nothing was different. But she was. She was- he couldn't put a finger on it. But she'd never been outwardly afraid of who he was, before. They had settled the moment. It had seemed fair. Fair didn't mean he understood it better though. And then this moment they just had, which was lovely, but something was off. She seemed like she was forgetting conversations they'd had, what they had tried before and she was no longer afraid of, words he'd assured her of, fears she'd overcome. Like something had erased the progress out of her mind and she was starting from scratch like he was some stranger she'd just met. Something was really, really OFF. He just couldn't put his finger on what, and he hated letting her out of his sight not knowing.

'Mer?'

'Mhm.' Her mind was still a hazy, wonderfull mess, and she snuggled into his side. He hated doing this and couldn't stop himself,

'I have to ask… ughm… what happened?'

'I don't understand.'

He sighed. Were they back at that? 'You do. I promise I'll give you space if this is about-'

She was stiff in the hug. 'I don't want to have this conversation.'

He remembered what the counsellor had said, but it didn't make any sense to him at that exact moment. Was he supposed to let her revert and forget what she had overcome? Letting her come to him was one thing. This was not it. 'You didn't let me finish.'

'I know what you're asking.'

His voice was still and careful. 'No, I REALLY don't think you do.'

What had happened? He was still trying to put it together. Her mother had Alzheimer's, which didn't exclude forgetting stuff, but her age and lack of other symptoms- it wasn't that. It was more like some personality disorder or some trauma he'd missed in that short day he wasn't there. She'd told him about what those 2 guys had done to her when she was in the hotel. They had talked over it. And when he came over and she was telling her roommates, it was as if she'd forgotten and she told him again. It was like she'd forgotten not to be afraid of him, too. And then all the other stuff they'd explored in the hotel until she got scared. And now she'd been very sweet and very eenthusiastic, and he'd went along with it, but she was scared from thing they'd already tried before few times and she'd overcome before- like she didn't remember any of it. He wasn't sure she did, anyway, and that was unsettling. She still came to him, that was something, but- WHAT. THE. HELL.

There was something in the tone of his voice, the rigidness of his body all of a sudden- and her own body shot in upright position, ready to bolt from the bed they were sharing in the on-call room.

'Oh, hell no. Don't run every time-' Derek groaned. His hand gently rested on hers, but to her it may as well had been forceful. Something in the tone of his voice stopped her dead in the haze and she suddenly turned to him, still sitting, She twisted to face him, dead quiet.

' Meredith, you remember telling me about the …about…' shit. '

'About Liam and Joye.' She managed, suddenly cold. He must've known, because his fingers quietly found her shirt, and he handed it to her.

'About exactly what they really did to you.' He clarified while she was getting the shirt on, trembling, yet strangely seeming okay with talking. He sighed. Maybe this level of distress was the best he'd get, for now. He took it. 'Do you remember?'

Her eyes became tight angry lines, no longer afraid, angry now.

'Of course I remember, I am not my mother. What the hell are you testing me for'

'When?' He didn't let himself get deterred.

'What do you mean?'

'When did you tell me?'

She was genuinely confused and she felt his forehead for fever. 'Derek, are you ok?'

His hand shot over hers and the unsettling feeling she'd been trying to escape before she came into the oncall room suddenly returned.

'What do you mean? When you came to the house after I told my roommates and I showed you the test.' She said queitly like he was the one losing her mind. He was gaping at her in a different way, and her blood got cold. 'Derek, what?'

'And in the hotel too.'

Her blood pressure shot up in panic. 'Wait, what?'

'Last night of staying in the hotel.'

'No, that didn't- I wanted to tell you but—' She was shaking her head in disbelief, scared. What was he doing? What was going on?

He looked in exhasperation, like they suddenly spoke different languages. 'Mer… what we did- okay, I am sorry, I have to be direct for a second so there is no confusion-'

He waited and she nodded. 'Fingering you just now. You got panicked, why?'

'Because we'd never done that. I'd- never-' she was looking at him in recognition. 'When?' She asked quietly.

'In the hotel before we talked. In the trailer before Liam came back. Any of this ring a bell?'

She was heaving in an entirely different panic now, terrified. 'I think so- I don't – I can't remember. How can I forget?' This was recent, and a milestone, definitely not the kind of things she'd just forget because of being tired or distracted. He sat back, reading her face perfectly. The scary thing was, she suddenly felt like he knew her more than she knew him. 'Love?'

'I'm scared too.' He answered on the unsaid question between them. 'We'll figure it out together. Don't run out on me.'

'Wasn't planning on it.' She muttered in confusion, unsure what to do with that information.

'Good. Good.'

2.

She searched his face, suddenly blushing at the extend of what she didn't remember.

'We didn't- did we?' She prayed being with him wasn't something she'd 'forget', but apprarently, her brain wasn't the most reliable.

'No.' He'd read her face instantly, and once again that was a bit scary. 'Has this…ever happened before?'

'Not completely unknown precedent.' She admitted, quiet and ashamed.

'When? I'm not judging. We are on the same side. I am trying to understand, ok? I love you.'

She swallowed in surprise and he shook his head. 'New information?' She nodded, and shuddered, afraid of herself now.

'When- after I signed the NDA, when I broke up with Ben and tried to date for a first time this guy that- whatever. I lost a few weeks and was surprised after failing my exams.'

'That is- normal…' he didn't sound convinced, digesting. She shook her head, the memory suddenly coming back to her like a ton of bricks, clamping over her chest.

'No, Derek. Not like that. Not like I was upset or depressed and didn't pay attention. Like I was trying to date this guy after Ben, and when-when it didn't work, I was in that day, and then it was suddenly months after and I didn't remember the in-between. Like it was a black hole I couldn't see in.'

His eyes widened. 'Entirely? Weeks?'

'Yup. I mean, it came back to me in pieces slowly after that. Different clues brought back memories. Mostly not really bad or good ones, just…normal.' She shrugged. He digested. This made no sense. If anything this should have happened after Joye and Liam. He'd know she didn't remember all of that night. All of this? Caught them both by surprise. She looked shell-shocked, like he'd told her that her skin was actually blue. Except it wasn't totally new information either, so why was she this surprised? More importantly, why did this happen?

'What happened?'

'I told you-' She was starting to get annoyed. Was he losing his memory too? Terrible migraine clasped around her head like a crown of thorns, tightening around her forehead. Her fingers were playing with the sheets, unsettled.

'No, Meredith. What happened with the guy you dated after Ben.'

'He was a doucheb-'

'What does that mean?'

'Hmm?'

'What the hell did he do to you?' Derek almost growled in response, really wanting to punch a few faces down to mush right now. Preferrably starting with the 2 guys he knew in the hospital.

She read his face, too, relieved that she still knew how. 'You can't.'

'I won't. Yet. Guy after Ben?'

She shifted, unsettled that she started this conversation. 'Nothing, nothing compared to… it was my fault.'

'Jesus, love-' He was horrifiied now. She deserved that. The first weeks after it all fell apart she'd acted totally unhinged like a huge sl*t. Couldn't blame that on anyone for once, she blushed in deep brick red, relieved he couldn't read this on her face. The innocent girl was the chapter she wanted to have. What she'd tried to be-

3.

'No, it was. It was the first few weeks- I was 18 and I was single for a first time since I'd begun dating-' She didn't add what that night with Liam and Joye was adding to the equation. That went without saying. 'I was lost. So I did the first thing I thought of.'

'Meaning?'

'Meaning I went from the girl next door, to a huge w**re.'

'What the F**k did you just say?' His body shot closer to hers, his mouth gaping opened, but not touching her yet. Again, probably expected. Yet she still found herself shifting her body away from his in the bed, alert. 'What the FUCK did you just say?

'You heard me.'

'I better not have…'

She sighed. He was angry, Of course he was. This whole time he'd been courting an innocent, scared virgin. She couldn't blame him for being angry that she'd been the opposite of that, a cheap everyday sl*t that he fell for…

'I meant what I said.' She said, with unusual for her, stone-cold voice. No fear. Just- acceptance? He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her out of it. What the actual FUCK? She seemed serious, too.

'You can't be.' His nostrils flared in contained anger.

'Oh no, but I was. You think a scared little virgin can't do slutty. But I did. Very well.'

'Fuck, Mer.' He growed in the half dark room in frustration. What. The. FUCK?

'Its quite easy actually once you get the hang of it. Your paiger is going off.' She noticed, as if they had just been discussing breakfast options. 'You'll be late for surgery.'

'Fuck surgery.'

'Look, you have every right to be angry with me, but your job should be-'

He looked as if he hadn't heard her correctly. 'Fuck my job.' He growled low. 'We are taking a fucking sick day and we are fucking TALKING.'

'Der-'

'Today.' He growed in frustration and she relented.

'Whatever.'

'Jesus.' He seriously had to stop himself from shaking some sense into her body. Jesus fucking christ, is that how she had seen herself all this time? What the actual- 'Today.' He repeated.

'F**k. Heard you.' She rose to her feet, gathering her stuff in a haste. 'You can be angry I did this. But you can't yell, ok?' She reminded him in a tone like she'd complely snapped. Not like she was afraid. It was the same tone she used in mornings asking if he wanted to drink orange juice. What the ever-loving F-

He shrugged, creating mental list of all the guys whose faces he wanted to smash at the first possible chance. 'Not going to yell.' He growled at her, absolutely bewildered that was the way she'd seen herself. Not that it didn't make sense. It probably did, more than anything so far. But the idea that she felt so low, so inconsequential, so- it made every hair on his body stand in horror. He had a lot of work to do, clearly. But maybe what she was going through would finally make sense. Clearly, she'd buried a lot. And she was about to fill him in on a few facts. And then, he'd have to do the same in return. The idea that this was how she saw herself, still, made him so angry he couldn't breathe. His beatiful, fragile, tiny, incredibly smart, brave woman he was head over heels in love with- and she thought he was looking at her like a cheap 2$ w**re? FUCK. THIS. NO. FUCK NO. This wasn't going to stand. But he'd have to be very careful how he word everything. And he really, really needed details. Because this? Un-fucking-acceptable.