You and me, always Chapter 36: Loving You is a Losing Game pt1, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Chapter 36

Loving You is a Losing Game pt.1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

'There is darkness in the distance, from the way that I've been living...

But I know I can't resist it...

Oh I love it and I hate it at the same time,

you and I drink the poison from the same vine...'

David Kushner- Daylight

(13 years ago, Liam)

'Hey, you ready?'

Liam looked up from the huge biology textbook at his besr friend, and slammed it with satisfaction. 'Of course I am, Star.'

'As in,you're actually done, or you just want to bail?'

'Does it matter?' He grinned widely at her. Since both their parents were big-shot surgeons, they had somehow ended up spending a lot of time at the hospital. Maybe other surgeons had better spouses or other solutions, but either way, Liam and Mer had ended up hanging out constantly, which was sort of a relief to their parents. And this was the best part of the day. Now older, but not old enough to be constantly alone at home (she was 11, and he was 12), they like their little routine of taking a short busride to the holspital. Then they would hangout together and do their homework wherever they felt comfortable at that moment. Once that was done, it was ADVENTURE time, or GOOD DEED time, which was Mer's words. None of them had many family traditions to speak of, so making up their own was sort of cool. For adventure time, sometimes they made up scavanger hunts for each other around the hospital, surprises for their birthdays and 'game nights' with other kids their age around the hospital. Or watch R-rated movies they weren't allowed to when noone was watching. The best one was when Mer hid a clue of the scavanger hunt in the morgue in one of the cadavers, which unfortunately, was found by a grown up before Liam found it. They both got in trouble, but it was worth it. To Liam getting in trouble was part of the fun.

The whole good deed Mer had added exactly for that point. They both enjoyed getting in trouble and breaking rules. Let's be honest- whoever thought of the word no should have known that to a kid that means 'don't let the grown ups catch you'.

One time when they accidentally burned the fake Christmas tree in the pediatric unti with the chronically ill children that wouldn't get another Christmas other than between hospital walls- she finally felt bad. She said they should balance out getting in trouble by doing something for the kids in the hospital that spend days and weeks there (because they were sick, or their parents were). Liam was just glad to spend more time with her. She definitely made him a better person. And although she'd probably always been pretty (he wasn't sure, until recently she'd been his friend to get in trouble with)- but suddently she started to grow up and look more beautiful- not much yet, but he'd noticed anyhow... Until yesterday, she was Meredith, his best friend and partner in crime. Now, she was also a GIRL. Pretty, beautiful girl with beautiful sea-blue eyes. And he couldn't stop thinking about her.

'Of course it matters!' She made a face at him, both joking, but strickt. 'You'll never live up to your full potential this way Liam, you have to think about being a famous surgeon while studying the alphabet in pre-school. Didn't you know?' She joked while imitating his father's intimidating voice and he grinned at her. 'Liam I'm joking, but really. Whatever we do, having okay grades will give us more options once we can live away from our parents...'

'Relax Star.' He muttered. 'I'm messing with you, I'm done with homework. Are we doing this?'

Her face split in a grin in response and she looked even prettier. He was aware though, if this was going to go anywhere, he had to bide his time well. He's seen, way too many times, how life can screw you over in the hospital. Get a patient in surgery too late, too early, one decision wrong, few choices in recovery, and all that affort was for nothing. And he wasn't about to risk his best friend over anything unless he was sure of his success. He had to pick the right rime, the right way. Timing was everything. They'd known each other for 6 years and if he had it his way, it would be for a lot longer. He wasn't his father, and he wasn't planning to ruin things with terrible timing or wrong words like his father did with his mom. No. He would chose the right time. The right words. He'd plan everything so there was no chance she wouldn't feel the same. He'd give her an amazing date, scavanger hunt, a movie, burgers, shakes, going to the visiting circus to go on the carousel and all that. He'd give her the perfect day before he said anything.

And he just knew that she'd feel the same way.

(currently, Meredith)

Meredith decided to try again- to put more effort in her work. Her head was still elsewhere, but maybe... Well, in all fairness, Bailey wanted to talk to her after the 5:30 shift they had. She had the distant feeling she was in a LOT of trouble.

She'd known earlier of course. When she got the internship, she'd been the most focused person she knew. She studied for extra projects in all classes, aced all exams after that first mishap and used breaks between classes to study for SATs, to work on her personal statement and tracked down teachers to get reccomendations. Once she'd decided on medical school, she'd stopped thinking of anything else around her until she got in. Nothing in the present could break her concentration. She didn't have any friends anymore and couldn't think of boyfriends in the aftermath. Looking forward was the only thing she had, and she embraced it with gratitude. Something to live for. She was too busy for anything other than her goal, and she enjoyed every second of it.

Now, she'd been missing days because of Liam and honestly because of herself, she had Derek and friends, and her mom died and honestly all that together was just too much social interraction and drama and worry. She was greatful to have more people in her life, but also there were almost no days she had managed to just concentrate on medicine. She'd missed on having a lot of friends for a long time, and while she enjoyed the change, it was kind of overwhelming at times. She felt a bit like an introvert. But still, she wasn't the greatest in navigating all of it. At the same time, Liam and Ben had come back, and her shaky effort for balance had been blown to bits. She knew it was irresponsible missing so many days, but she couldn't stop herself. It was not her best decision.

Now aware she was in trouble, she was just giving her best to participate in the day, answer questions and do her job well, and pay attention. So she ended up in surgery with Ben, Something that was honestly, surprisingly ok. Yes, of course forgiveness wouldn't happen. But, he'd been actually acting ok, so she tried to do the same, and they were getting along well. He'd never be a friend, but she just tried thinking of him as a collegue, someone new, not her ex boyfriend, ex friend, not a person she'd known before. And it was going good enough to enjoy it enough to keep being in denial of it working. Maybe this is what adulthood was, she thought. letting go of past hurt if you know a person doesn't have the emotional capability to comprehend what they've done to you- letting go so you can coexist and stop hurting old scars. Felt deceptively grown up. So this surgery- actually the first one she could enjoy in a while. They had both not been in the type of surgery before, and were enjoying the challenge, and the competition. There was some quiet joy in not feeling at war with him.

And then things went sideways with the patient. It took less then 2 minutes and things went sideways and everything was pure chaos of people yelling updates, surgeouns shouting instructions and people following their own role like a choreographed dance. And then there was just silence and the heart monitor giving out the high-pitch flat-lining sound. It was deafening.

She was outside at one of the entrances, trying to breathe deeply the cold air, soothing on her aching heart.

Surgery was extremely gratifying- there was no feeling she could compare to realizing you have saved the life of someone, who without your expertize would no longer be breathing. The artistry of learning information for years and years for it all to come together in this tight little frameline where you had to make split-second decisions. But then there was the other side of that. Like today.

Someone ran past her, emptying his stomach in the nearby bushes. Ben. Her heart filled with resentment and sympathy simultaneously. She didn't want to, but she knew how that felt. Before she had control of herself she was standing safe distance close to him and trying to calm him, as he continued throwing up. When he finally stood, his face was white like chalk, making his attractive green eyes look like they were surrounded by too many shadows, etched in his face. He looked older and tired.

'I did the same after my first loss.' She managed in a dry voice. The pain cut through her in waves, familiar and bitter. Loss never got easier, but that first one somehow was the worst to swallow, and it kept haunting you.

'You can't tell anyone.' He managed, his lips dry and chopped, and too red against his white face right now. There was something familiar in his expression, and that hurt. She'd made her peace after a while that the Ben she'd dated and grown up with was gone. Now she suddenly saw a shadow of that scared, more innocent, kinder kid he used to be. No longer a child of course, but she hadn't seen him be actually nice without that fake politeness in a long time. She shook her head, reminding herself that the man in front of her would never be the boy she knew again. She nodded sharply.

'I won't.'

He looked her up and down as if trying to figure out how true that was. He was very aware that she didn't like him and he didn't like her. Therefore, they'd kept polite distance even when they were actually having conversations. Professional. Sterile. Safe. But now she was doing him a solid and he knew she wasn't lying. She was always very frank lately, so he knew she was honest. Or hoped so anyhow. He was still too shaken to read her motives. Instead, following instinct, he leaned forward to give her a short friendly hug in appreciation.

Sharp and fast, she stepped away from him with wide eyes.

His eyes narrowed. She'd never backed off from expressing disdain for him for many years, but it was a while since he saw that look on her. He didn't know what it meant years ago. After med school and helping his sister, he knew that look very well, and the realisation stuck like acid in his throat. Fear. She was afraid. She hadn't been when he came back, even when they yelled. She hit him once after they fought. She was tiny and fearless. So this- this made him extremely uncomfortable and he couldn't pinpoint why. It was sturring something ugly in his chest, breaking scars and peace that had taken him years to create. He ran fingers through his curls, stepping back and forth in one place, awkward and uncomfortable.

'Is it Shepherd? You're with him, aren't you? Does he hurt you?' He didn't want to care after all that went down, but there was something terribly familiar in her reaction.

Meredith straightened her scrubs and whatever sympathy she'd develloped in the last few minutes, it quickly drained out of her.

"You're like- 5 years too late with that conversation, aren't you?' She managed in a very low, heavy voice that left him feeling like she kicked him in the stomach. The flat even tone of her voice, made to seem indifferent, was exactly the same that Isabel, his sister, had 2 years ago. He pushed that knowledge down.

That was way too paranoid, even for him. He'd known what had happened in his relationship 5 years ago in details. He'd seen the pictures, heard the stories until it made him sick, argued with her until it was pointless. His perfect girlfriend had cheated on him with 2 of his friends. And followed their breakup with a bunch of other relatioships - if they could be called so- solidifying his opinion. He couldn't overreact to a look. He had no doubt she'd betrayed him terribly in the past. Couldn't, wouldn't doubt that. But maybe now that attending she was seeing- he didn't want to care but the only reason he kept fighting and picking on her was that on some level, he never got over losing one of his best friends, only friends he had, in such ugly way. And he told himself if she was any other friend, he'd ask a lot more questions right now. He wouldn't just let it be.

'What does that mean?' He asked Meredith, stumped. What was happening? He could swear they were faking being civil with each other until about 10min ago. Now they were having some oddly personal and confusing conversation. Addmitting to himself he was paranoid, he took a short step towards her one more time, and she stepped back again, very short step before she hid the panic on her face and stood her ground. She let him briefly give her a hug, but she didn't move, stiff under his grip. It was unsettling. His throat was revolting uncomfortably. Their relationship was bad, but this reaction was just OFF. Just not her whatsoever, and he really tried not to care. But he wanted to know. Meredith's eyes squeezed in thin angry lines, but he could still read the panic under.

'I think you know. And you're 5 years too late. I no longer want to have that conversation.' She spit out in short, controlled words. Then she spun around on her feet, and went back into the hospital.

Ben stood in one place for a while, uncomfortable and contemplating besides his will, truth and lies twisting withing him. He tried to remember she was no longer his best friend and the girl she fell in love with for a first time in his life. But nevertheless this moment bothered him, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.