Hey everyone!
Heres the next chapter. Sorry, it took so long to update I've been pretty busy the last few days. I tend to start writing super late in the night as well so that's not always a good thing!
Anyways let me know what you think? If there are any errors in the chapter I'm sure it's super late now and I'm too tired to go through it more thoroughly.
Much Love 3
Draco's Point of View
I was told before that if you put a name on something and recognise it for what it is then it cannot hurt you. So, when Granger and I speak it is better for both of us if I am vague. But in that thought, I don't take into account how intelligent she is and I guess that has always been my own downfall. Undervaluing her intelligence to pick up on and pick apart everything I do. But this time I think she's on the same page as I am. We don't put a name on this thing that we do. Just recognise and understand that we're both willing to be a part of it.
I can tell that it somewhat bothers her to have to live like that but she tries to hide it well. This is not a common ground for either of us and there is an understanding that we have to just take what we can get. Just be. Without question and that is hard for her. Hell, that is even hard for me. But it is easier when I look at her because it helps quell some of the panics inside me. But even she can't take it away completely.
I want it to be finished with, to finally be done with it all but I can't seem to grasp it properly. Like I'm just about to break the surface and inhale that breath my lungs are craving desperately but I can't quite get there and I'm left gasping. No matter what has to be done I just want to get to a time that when she looks at me, I know that she's not looking at a monster. I can't guarantee that that is true right this second.
Snape enters his office finally as I lean awkwardly against the pillar. He whips his robe around as he stands in front of his desk. He gives me a particular stoic expression as he takes a seat and motions for me to sit also. When I refuse, he continues to stare until I eventually agree and take a seat.
"Your father has written me," he starts. I raise my eyes to meet his in confusion. My father hadn't written to me so I find it peculiar that he would write to professor Snape.
"Given your second failed attempt that is," he adds. I exhale deeply and bring my hands up to cup my forehead.
"If you would just let me help-
"I don't need your fucking help!" I scream as the anger at last nights failed attempt and the second-hand embarrassment are swirling at the forefront of my mind.
"I am still your professor! Do not speak to me with that attitude boy!" Snape yells back but his voice holds a heavy superiority complex.
"Look I don't need your help," I say again, softer this time. Snape resettles his hands on his lap.
"Your father seems to think you do. I agreed that I was to assist you in this," Snape says. I roll my eyes at him.
"I made the unbreakable vow, Draco," he adds roughly.
"Nobody asked you to do that for me!" I call back.
"Your mother did," Snape says and my anger dissipates slightly. I think of all the months my mother had spent by herself in the house when my father was in Azkaban. I couldn't stand being in that giant empty mansion alone with her so I often made use of my broom just to get away from it all.
"That choice is between you and my mother. I didn't ask you to do that. I was chosen for this. Me! Above anyone else," I snap back at him. If I do this then my family can hold favour with the Dark Lord and undo the wrong that my father has done. Then I can guarantee that they are safe. Those who hold favour with the Dark Lord aren't often asked to do his bidding. Maybe my mother can have a quiet life then. Heaven knows she's had a hard one until now.
"Such strong words from a scared little boy," Snape says in his low, twisting voice. I roll my eyes at him again.
"Nevertheless, your lack of progression has been noted by those who are watching." He says.
"Well, it's not exactly an easy task," I comment.
"Then let me help you," Snape interjects. I glower.
"Your father thinks it would be best if I help you in another manner," Snape says. I crease my eyebrows at him.
"One that you might consider useful," he says suggestingly. "Given your circumstances," he adds.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, anger rising inside me. He ignores me.
"Your father thinks it would be beneficial for you to learn Occulmency," Snape says and I clench my hands together. I hadn't thought about that before and suddenly the room feels a lot smaller as if the many bookcases filled with old tattered potions books have crept closer, shrinking the space.
"He did?" I ask.
"Yes, given that you've failed twice already, it can prevent a legilimens from searching through your thoughts and figuring out what you're up too," Snape says matter of factly.
"No one is suspicious," I implore but Snape looks down at me, his long back hair hitting the corners of his jaw as he moves.
"You've haven't been the best at covering your tracks, Mr Malfoy. Believe me, people have noticed," he warns. I shrug and fold my arms against my chest.
"It won't matter in the end," I comment. Snape scoffs. "If you even make it that far with the rate you're going," he chastises me.
"Look what are you trying to get at?" I say, angrier this time. He must know my patience is wavering.
"I will teach you the art of Occulamency so that what is in your head is safe. Impenetrable, should someone like the Dark Lord ever search your mind you will be able to hide certain things from him," Snape says and his tone catches me. I search his eyes and something in them tells me he knows what certain things I would try and hide.
"Fine but I have to get to potions now," I comment, checking my wristwatch.
"I've already informed Professor Slughorn that you will be missing the double potions class today," Snape informs me. I curse under my breath. It's the last potion class I have with Granger until Next Tuesday.
"Wait…" I start. "You want to start now? As in right now?" I ask, stepping up from the chair.
"Yes, the sooner the better," Snape says. I look around the room as if one of the books is going to burst from the shelves with an excuse for me. I don't know what another day or two of procrastination would have bought me. If Snape is as proficient in Occulmancey as he is in potions than anything in my mind is open to him. Including Granger.
"Why so pale, Malfoy? Something to hide?" Snape chides. He knows. Of course, he knows. I didn't exactly explain away the reason Granger was the one who found me after the fight with Potter all that well.
"I don't want to do this right now," I say, my tone very low. Snape's face returns to his normal stoic expression.
"You can't put it off any longer, Mr Malfoy. Prepare yourself," Snape encourages.
"Wait! How am I supposed to prepare?" I shout frantically as Snape raises his wand. If he's been hinting at Granger what will he even say when he sees what's in my head? Will he continue to want to teach me Occulmency? Will he inform my father how far off the beaten path I have walked?
"Wait! I'm not ready!" I scramble as a last-ditch effort to stop the inevitable but Snape starts to swirl his wand.
"Clear your mind," he explains but as I watch his wand finish its movement and the words leave Snape's mouth all I can think about is Granger.
When the feeling starts, she is the first thing that I see. She is the first thing we both see. Much like the glimpse of her future, I saw in the pensive we drop down into the memory. Into my memory as if I'm watching it. I can feel Snape beside me and when I turn, he's there watching also.
We are back to that night in the classroom when Blaise and Pansy had almost caught us. Snape and I are upon the teacher's podium staring directly at the memory of Granger and I hiding behind the bookcase and there's nothing I can do to make it stop. I look over my shoulder and watch as his face squeezes together as he watches us. I turn back to us and I watch Granger with my arms encircled tight around her. My head starts to feel light as the image blurs and Snape and I move to another memory.
I'm much younger in this memory as I listen behind a slightly ajar door as my mother cries in the next room close to the hearth. I watch the younger version of myself as I kneel down beside the door and listen to the noises of my mother in the next room. I can't exactly remember what she was crying about but I imagine it had something to do with my father. It almost always did have something to do with him.
When Snape and I move again the next memory is more recent. A few months ago now, in fact. When it starts to materialise, I try to think of what Snape said. I try with all my strength to clear my mind. To think of nothing and especially not her. For a second it seems to work as the memory becomes really bright to the point you can't make out anything. But it doesn't stop the sound coming and once it starts a part of me wants to stay. Just to see it again, even if it means Snape also see it.
When I stop resisting, we're back into the glimpse I saw of Granger's future. The one where we're in the bed together. I step forward towards the image but Snape extends his cane and catches my shoulder before I can get to close to the bedposts. Something about the action causes my stomach to squirm as it reminds me of my father.
"Don't," his voice says amongst the noise of our voices on the bed. I step back, away from the bed but something about seeing that part of her future causes my mind to wonder about everything else I saw. And like that as If I am suddenly in control of it we move through the entire glimpse of her future and I cannot stop it. Because I don't feel the fear I felt at the start when I'm watching it. I feel something different that I can't quite place. I almost forget Snape is there. That is until I see Granger's other future.
Bellatrix leans down, carving into Granger's arm as her screams echo loudly around the Manor's living room. The room my mother had been crying in not too long ago. When Granger is finally dead I see the house-elf make his way out of the kitchen, dragging her body back through the double doors and the image causes sweat to break out on my back and neck. My knees feel weak beneath me and the fact that I haven't eaten since yesterday morning doesn't quite help.
Snape considers this memory before moving onto another one, slower this time and I can tell this will be the last one. Snape himself is growing tired from the excursion and I can tell it takes a lot out of the caster as well. The last is the one that shall ruin me. It's the memory from a few nights ago when Granger told me she wanted it too. I watch as we kiss in Professor McGonagall's classroom against the glow of the flickering candle lights. The memory drops and I fall back into my chair in Snape's classroom.
I drop my head down to rest on top of my knees as I focus on not throwing up. The heat rises in my throat and I breathe deeply until it all passes. When I finally look up Snape he's standing with his back to me, staring out the window. I wait for him to speak hoping that he never does. But of course, that is not his style.
"Do you know what would happen if the Dark Lord saw what I just saw?" he asks, finally. But he continues staring out the window as he speaks.
I sigh, knowing exactly what he's getting at.
"And what are you going to do about what you just saw?" I ask, wanting to get straight to the point.
"Your suicide mission with the Granger girl is your own mission, Mr Malfoy. One that will fail," Snape answers.
"How can you be so sure?" I ask, wiping the sweat forming on my forehead away with the back of my sleeve.
"Because you can't have both," Snape says, his voice low and solemn. I crease my eyebrows together as I watch his face tense a little.
"I've already seen it in her future!" I point out.
"The future is never set in stone, Mr Malfoy. That was her future at the moment of seeing it. A lot has changed between then and now. The future is always changing," Snape informs me. I had thought about this before. It wasn't news to me. I knew the future was always changing.
"But it's still a possibility. If it can happen once then it can always happen, right?"
"That's a child's answers," Snape snaps, grabbing his robe as he turns swiftly, the ends swirling outwards.
"It's not!" I argue.
"You can't have both and you're endangering that girl's life. Do you think she'll ever be able to look at you after you kill Dumbledore?" Snape questions as he brings his hands down on either side of the table. His eyes search mine intensely and it feels like he's back in my mind again.
"If the Dark Lord saw what I just saw we wouldn't be having this conversation because you would be dead and the Granger girl would be next," Snape informs me.
"You are playing a child's game if you think you can eat your cake and have it too," Snape says.
I sit there with my head in my hands as Snape continues to chastise me saying things that I already knew but chose to ignore for the sake of my sanity. But now that he's bombarding me with them it's hard to ignore it anymore. Is it so wrong to have wanted something for me? Just once. Must I always be doing something to benefit someone else or my family's reputation? Will I always have the carry the weight of my father's mistakes?
"Is this why you've been so distracted? You've been playing house with the Granger girl? How could you be so stupid?" Snape shouts this time.
"I have not been distracted!" I exclaim.
"I almost have the vanishing cabinet working. The one connected to the other one in Borgin and Burkes," I say, raising my voice.
"You're not understanding what I'm saying Draco," Snape beckons, more softly this time.
"What?"
"You can't have both," he explains again.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"If you go through with your mission you need to forget about whatever this thing you had with Granger was. She can't be apart of that life. You could never protect her from that," he comments.
"She would die," he adds.
"No, because I've taken the necessary steps to prevent that outcome," I say.
"What is it you said? If It can happen once then it can always happen?" Snape says twisting my words.
"If she can die in one future then she can still die in another one," he adds. I lean back against the chair as the weight of his words hit me. I had not thought of it that way. I think of Bellatrix leaning over Granger's body as she screams.
"You need to think about this," Snape says seriously. "You cannot begin to imagine the weight of someone's death on your shoulders. Let alone two people," he adds. That I had thought about before. I had hoped saving Granger would be a way to make up for Dumbledores death. But I can see what Snape is getting at. I understand now how reckless I have been. How stupid and childish my desires.
"What do you want me to do?" I ask, slightly broken at this point. Between the mental strain it took trying to keep Snape out of my mind at the start and the weight of this conversation I don't have much left in me to argue.
"Focus on your mission," he starts and I look up at him expectantly.
"Let the Granger girl live her life. She doesn't need to be involved in all of this," he says finally and I nod slowly, turning towards the door. I stand up and make my way towards it.
"What's my other choice?" I ask, my voice low. I squeeze my hands together to stop them from shaking as I look over my shoulder at him for his reply. He drops his head.
"The Dark Lord doesn't take kindly to deserters," he says solemnly.
"Naturally," I joke, but the smirk doesn't reach my eyes.
"Why are you saying all this?" I ask throwing my arms out dramatically.
"I can see if you continue the way you are that things are going to end badly for you and for her," Snape replies honestly.
"And what? You suddenly care about what happens to Granger?" I laugh.
"No," he starts. "But I can tell you do," he says, his tone final.
"Come back tomorrow. We'll try again," Snape says and returns his attention back to his desk. I nod and open the door, shutting it soundlessly behind me.
I move through the crowds of students that are moving around the halls between second and third period. Granger is in a double potions class now so I'm guaranteed not to run into her. I pass Pansy in the hallway near the ground floor staircase as she eyes me cautiously. I simply give her my generic smirk as I pass. When I round the final corner, I take the stairs two at a time as I make my way to third-floor bathrooms. The ones that hardly anyone ever uses. When I enter, I'm not surprised to find all the stalls completely empty. I fly around the first bathroom stall and fall to my knees, vomiting copiously into the toilet. When my stomach is finally empty, I feel at peace.
A calm serenity washes over me as I fall back onto the cold stone floor and stare up at the intricate design on the ceiling. I rub soothing circles on my stomach hoping to ease some of the knots and cramps. I can feel the layer of sweat on my skin against the cold air coming in from the open windows above the sinks. I flick my wand, closing them all.
A voice creeps around the stall towards me. Moaning Myrtle appears and I sigh in aggravation.
"Draco Malfoy," she sings as she appears around the corner.
"Not now," I demand as her annoyingly angelic voice laughs.
"What's the matter now? I haven't seen you in a long time," she chimes. In my confusion, I try to push past her and end up swiping my arm through her completely.
"Oh, that tickles," she giggles. "You're ever so handsome," she comments. I roll my eyes at her as I wash my face in the cold water from the sink. When I glance at my reflection it sets my teeth on edge. I look far worse than I had expected.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" Moaning Myrtle asks and I look at her.
"What's that face for?" she asks and I let my face drop away from her inquiring eyes. Do I have a girlfriend? Is that what she was?
Hermione's Point of View
I stay late in the library finishing up a charms assignment and writing out notes for Harry and Ron. I hope in a way these notes might make up for my absence lately. Harry and I have still not spoken properly since that day I found him leaving the boys lavatories. I don't know what I would even say to bring up the subject.
When the librarian dims the candlelight in the library I gather my books and pack them away into my bookbag. It's Wednesday and not our usual day of meeting up, but I can't help making my way towards McGonagall's classroom. Malfoy wasn't in potions today or any other class from what I gathered. Blaise ended up partnering up with Ron and I and I can say that it was much more uncomfortable than I imagined it was going to be.
I listen at McGonagall's door and I hear a muffled sound of parchment moving telling me that she's still in there and the classroom isn't free yet. I decide to take a lap around the first floor. It's almost 10 pm she'll have to finish up soon. When I reach Slughorn's classroom door I keep going all the way to the two double doors leading to the bridge. That's where I find him.
I look through the double doors and see Malfoy sitting on the edge with his legs hanging out over the side of the bridge. From here it almost looks like he might jump and that sets my heart beating at a rapid speed. What is he doing? A strong wind might unsettle his seating or footing and he could fall.
I pull open the door and steps outside. If he's noticed he hasn't given me any indication. I look at his posture, his face and the way he holds himself and it tells me that something is wrong. Malfoy isn't always the most open person so naturally, I've learned to read his body language for an indicator of how he's actually feeling.
I call out his name against the wind but it seems to swallow it up. The wind is exceptionally loud and strong today but thankfully it's not that cold. As I make my way over to him, I think how easy it is to find him sometimes. How it doesn't take me long and how he is usually either here or at McGonagall's as if we have an unspoken bond to stay around these areas in case the other needs us. I know I do it myself without really knowing I do it.
When I reach him he jolts a little when he notices me. I guess he really hadn't seen me walking across the bridge to him.
"What are you doing?" I ask, motioning to him sitting so close to the edge.
"Just sitting," he comments, his voice low. I gulp a little, surprised by his solemn tone.
"Do you maybe want to go somewhere else," I ask, shocked at my own bluntness. Malfoy smirks.
"I want to stay here, Granger," he comments. I nod, setting my bookbag on the edge of the bridge. I look up at him. His hair blows all around his face in this wind.
"You weren't in potions today," I say for lack of something to say. The tone is weird. Malfoy is weird. I want him to stay something smart to put me on ease. Hell, I want to even fight because anything is better than the way he's acting now.
"I had other things I needed to take care of," he replies quietly, the wind almost swallowing it all up.
"Okay, and did you take care of them?" I ask. He turns his head slowly at me and searches my face for a second before twisting his mouth.
"Not yet," he replies.
"What is it? Maybe I can help?" I ask, raising my voice. Maybe whatever is wrong with him I can help him. But he just laughs loudly in response, lifting his head so his voice carries away into the sky.
"So helpful Granger. So much like you," he says sarcastically.
"Don't be mean," I say, hurt by his words.
"Why does everyone think I need help today? Am I that useless or something?" he asks, throwing his legs back over the bridge and jumping down.
"I don't think you're useless," I say.
"Enough, Granger," he says rubbing his temples. I let my bookbag fall to the ground.
"What's wrong with you!" I say louder this time.
"You're pissing me off with all these questions!" he shouts back.
"I'm just trying to help you!"
"I don't need anybody's fucking help! I'm so sick of everyone offering to help me!" he screams, his face turning red. I breathe heavily as I watch the anger leave his face, settling into stoic resolve.
"Well then what do you want?" I ask, slowly, more quietly this time. He steps closer and looks deep into my eyes.
"For there to be a third option," he answers. I feel confused.
"What do you mean?" I ask unsure. Something is definitely wrong, definitely and terribly wrong. I can tell by the haze over his eyes. He's looking at me but he's also looking past me.
"I made a mistake," he says finally.
"With?" I ask cautiously.
"With this," he says pointing between us. I shake my head in disbelief.
"You don't get to do that," I start.
"Granger…"
"Don't!" I warn, pointing my finger furiously in his face.
"I wasn't thinking straight before," he says, trying to take my hand. I pull my hand away from his sharply.
"Don't do this," I say, warning.
"Do you have any idea how stupid this is?" he asks. I raise my hands in aggravation.
"What happened today? Why did you miss potions?" I ask.
"What?" he asks.
"Something happened that changed your mind. You were singing a completely different tune only a few days ago, Malfoy. What happened?" I demand.
"I talked to Snape," he answers.
"You told Snape!" I shout in disbelief.
"He knew," he replies.
"So you're just going to give up at the first hurdle?" I ask.
"Granger I wouldn't even make the jump," he answers smartly.
"Don't be a coward, Malfoy," I implore but the panic is starting to set in. I didn't think he would want to pull out this early. I had known a conversation like this was bound to come up but not this soon. I'm not prepared for it.
"I'm not being a coward. I'm just looking at things properly for once," he says.
"Maybe you're looking too closely," I suggest.
"Maybe you're not looking at all, Granger. If you were you'd understand what I'm saying is true," he says.
"What are you saying? No bullshit this time! Tell me how you really feel, Malfoy!" I bark. He twists the end of his jumper between his thumb and forefinger as he searches for the words. I wait, terribly impatiently.
"You were the one who said there's a line in the sand, Granger," he admits.
"Yes, only if we decide to draw one."
"No, that's not true. It's already been drawn and you know that. We didn't draw it. The sides we're on did," he answers back quickly. I shut my mouth and clench my teeth.
"So what? Snape said something and now it's just- we're just…done?" I ask, trying to keep my composure. He runs his tongue over his top lip and the act is so sensual I can't help but stare.
"I think it would..."
"No!" I shout. "I want to hear what you want, not what you think," I demand.
"I want you to be safe. I want you to have a happy life, Granger. I want you to be far away from all the shit that I have to do. Because I can't promise that it won't touch you. I can't promise that it won't tarnish the way you see me," he explains and I bite my tongue.
"Yano I was doing pretty well up until now," I say and he smirks slightly.
"Granger, I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry," he says, stepping towards me. He leans down and picks up my book bag, handing it to me. I take it from him and throw it back down on the ground in dramatic fashion. He smirks and rolls his eyes as he takes a deep breath.
"Are you done?" I ask, watching him. He creases his eyebrows together and swipes his hair back in a swift movement.
"Do I get to speak now?" I ask. He nods.
"Well that was all bullshit," I say and he snorts.
"Granger if the Dark Lord knew of this, he would kill me and then you," Malfoy says, his tone serious again. I roll my eyes at him.
"And what? I already knew that from the start. I haven't walked into this blind Malfoy," I explain.
"No, I think that we have, actually. I think that we jumped into this too quickly without really thinking about the consequences," Malfoy states.
"Maybe you did, Malfoy. I knew what I was getting myself involved in. I have a lot on the lines here too. It's not just you. How do you think my friends would react if I told them? I am risking my two best friends for you and yet I'm not being a coward!"
"I'm not being a coward, Granger. Fuck!" Malfoy shouts.
"Why are you so afraid?" I ask, moving a step closer. His pupils dilate as I place my hand against his chest.
"If anything happened to you because of me, Granger. I couldn't live with myself. This path I have to walk I can only do it alone," he explains.
"That's bullshit!"
"You can't just say bullshit for stuff you don't understand, Granger. That's bullshit!" He counters. I clench my teeth harder again.
"What about everything you told? Everything you saw in my-our future," I say trying to manipulate him.
"The future can always change," he says solemnly.
"The future is what we make it. Based on the choices we make, Malfoy. I agree it can always change. I think that's a good thing," I add. He grabs my shoulders tightly in his arms.
"Your opinion of me-of this," he indicates between us with his hand. "it's going to change, Granger. I just don't want to have to see it first hand," he admits. It's the first honest thing he's said.
I look at his face and again I am reminded of the observation Harry made on the train to Hogwarts earlier this year. On how much Draco Malfoy has changed and again I can see it so clearly. He has changed, both in appearance and attitude. He is a lot slimmer than he was before and it's technically a bad thing. He looks much sicker. A man with the weigh of the world on his shoulders. He looks like Harry looks sometimes and I think just a for a moment that if they were on the same side maybe things would be a lot different.
"I know who you are, Malfoy. You've proved that to me. You can say and do whatever you want and maybe my opinion will change but if it does. I will try to remember the person you are now. The person I know you truly are and the person I know you want to be," I say.
"You can do the most horrible things in the world but I will always know who you are really. The same goes for me. I'm sure we will both do things we are not proud of in life. But we are the people we are right now, Malfoy. Right here, standing on this bridge. I will remember that in dark times."
He sighs loudly and steps away from me.
"I don't want to fight about it Granger," he says in a defeated voice.
"So that's what you want?" I ask. He nods slowly. I nod my head in answer several times.
"Okay," I say.
"Okay?" He asks unsure.
"Yeah, that's what you want. This is what I want," I say and close the gap between us. I lean up and pull his head down towards mine. He catches my hand and pulls it away from his head.
"Granger, stop," he warns quietly. I rest my left hand on his cheek and push up on the tips of my toes. I stop myself just before our lips touch and I wait for a moment. I brush my lips against his and his grip on my other hand loosens. I capture his mouth with mine lightly as if the wind was kissing him. I kiss him slowly and lightly. I hold the kiss deeply for a few seconds before I pull away. He keeps his eyes closed for a moment before staring down at his shoes.
"I am here, Draco. I'm going to be here for when you change your mind. So, whatever you have to do, really think about whether or not it's worth it."
"Granger you don't understand I have too," he complains. "You won't feel like this when it's done," he adds.
"What? Can you predict the future now or something?" I ask smugly. He stares at me in disbelief. I lean up and kiss him lightly once more.
"I'm here, okay?" I say, pushing his hand into my chest, right over my heart.
"Remember that. You're not alone," I say as I drop his hand and pick up my bookbag. I walk over to the other side of the bridge, wiping away a silent tear I managed to key at bay the entire conversation. He doesn't know how strong I can be. He will soon see.