-Naruto-

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Naruto was so done with Jiji right now!

Jiji cornered Naruto in his apartment and has spent a solid two hours trying to get Naruto to "see reason." No way! Naruto is never letting any perverts near his belly! He remembers Fuzzy's Talk vividly, and has absolutely no desire to do that, thank you very much! He can feel his respect for Jiji dying more and more each second. And Jiji can totally tell just by the look on Naruto's face, so why won't he just cut his losses and leave Naruto alone?!

Jiji looks at Naruto tiredly (hey, you're the one who wants to lecture me, Jiji! We can stop whenever you want!).

"What if I gave you something? You've been looking into your father, right? I could give you some of his fuuinjutsu notes. They'd be a bit advanced for you, but I could throw in more beginner and intermediate scrolls to supplement them."

Now that got Naruto interested. He stopped to think.

It was definitely tempting. It'd still be pretty hard without a teacher, but Naruto's no stranger to learning by scrounging what he can from watching ninja. It'd be way easier with guide scrolls and a master's notes. And them being his father's notes just made it even more awesome!

Still, the more Naruto thought about it, the more unfair it seemed. True, it was his father, but his father was also very dead. He wouldn't be able to talk Naruto through things or help him figure out stuff he didn't understand. Why should he trade a living and very smart teacher for a dead guy's notes? Fuzzy had a really unique perspective; there really wasn't a ninja teacher who could replace him.

Plus, Naruto was a little offended that Jiji would use his dead father against him. That's pretty low, even for a pervert.

"What if I made it a game? I could teach you how to play poker, and if you can defeat both me and Jiraiya, we'll give you those fuuinjutsu scrolls and promise to leave Fuzzy alone. But if we win, you have to let us modify your seal to stop Fuzzy from talking to you"

"Deal!"

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-Kurama-

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Well, it's very comforting that Naruto will bet away Kurama the first chance he gets. He's definitely getting Academy lectures as dreams for the next few weeks.

Kurama is more than a little annoyed as he watches the old fossil teach his brat how to play poker. Seriously, what kind of role model is the monkey? Out of all the games, did he have to teach a six-year-old poker? He could've just said something like Uno, but noooooooooooo let's teach the kit how to gamble. Real great thinking, grandpa.

Kurama is even more annoyed as he realizes that Naruto isn't even paying attention to the rules. Hello, your precious teacher is on the line!

Then Kurama notices the overwhelming feeling of pure smugness radiating through Naruto's head. Like that heady feeling when he's just about to pull off some huge prank. What, is he going to win by shredding the cards into confetti? Maybe drop some paint on the experienced veteran ninja and hope they drop their cards or something?

What happens next has Kurama faceplanting into the disgusting sewer water.

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-Jiraiya-

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This is it. All Jiraiya has to do is trounce Minato's kid in poker, and then they can save him from being manipulated by the Kyuubi.

Jiraiya puts his game face on. Yes, Naruto seems to not be paying attention at all while Sarutobi-sensei explains the rules, but this is Naruto. The bane of the ANBU and policemen alike. He has a habit of being completely unpredictable. Jiraiya will not let his guard down. He will win, and he will stay vigilant for any trap the kid might...

MOST BEAUTIFUL HOLY JUTSU 10/10!

Jiraiya's mind goes completely blank. Sarutobi-sensei passes out from a nosebleed. The kid cheers. Jiraiya comes back to himself, to see that he has dropped his cards face up. He looks back toward the kid.

"Best of three?"

"NOPE!"

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Omake - STOP TALKING (Part 2) (Naruto's first actual conversation with Kurama, while in their first Kyuubi cloak from chapter 19)

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-Naruto-

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NONONONONONO THAT PERVERT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE NEAR NARUTO!

"YES! DESTROY THE IDIOT PERVERT!"

Hang on a second.

"Fuzzy?!"

"..."

"..."

"THE PERVERT'S GETTING AWAY!"

"I THINK WE HAVE OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT, FURBALL!"

"I AM NOT A FURBALL! You know what, I think I figured out why that pervert always gets caught by the women. He totally gets off on it."

"What the heck does that mean?"

"I suppose I missed something. Well, brat, do you know what a fetish is?"

And Naruto's poor, pure, young soul was traumatized yet again. He has now labeled Jiraiya a masochist, and thinks Jiji has some sort of weird belly fetish. Kurama is pleased that the old monkey will definitely never get anywhere near Naruto's seal, and he gladly promises to share chakra whenever Naruto needs to fend off filthy perverts.

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A/N - Thank you to the beautiful genius who told me that Jiraiya gets off on being beaten by women and that Kurama should tell Naruto about fetishes. I wanted to write their first conversation, but I didn't want it to be a big conversation because Naruto's kind of in the middle of panicking from post-Talk trauma and whaling on Jiraiya. Thank you for the inspiration!

Also, this chapter was loosely inspired by "The Night the House of Cards was Built" by drakensis. If you haven't read it, go read it now. It's in my favorites, and it's comedy gold.