-Naruto-

.

"Do we try to shave their heads?"

"No, they might think you did it because you're into it. Mess with their clothes?"

"I'm not a creep! Why do you immediately go to messing with little girls' clothes?!"

"I've told you before, I'm a giant sentient chakra construct. Why would I care about clothes? And it'd shock the fangirls pretty well, I think."

"Nope! Vetoed! Next!"

The whole kissing Sasuke deal didn't really work out (why in the world did the girls find that attractive?), so Naruto was debating what to try next with Fuzzy. Which would've been cool, since Naruto's been excited to actually directly plan a prank with the genius in his head, but it turns out Fuzzy has absolutely no sense of decency or respect. And he's petty as hell, but Naruto knew that already. Hopefully once they slog through all the awful ideas Fuzzy'll actually have some decent thoughts to throw in, but for now Naruto's tearing his hair out trying to get Fuzzy to think of something a little more lighthearted and less creepy.

"Lighthearted isn't going to do anything. You have to really slap them across the face. Multiple times, preferably. Show them just how creepy they are by being a creep back."

"NO!"

Naruto was actually kind of glad that Pervy Sage showed up to be a pain. Actually, he wasn't even really being that much of a pain. He just asked Naruto to go see Jiji with him. Which, ok, Naruto was very suspicious. Fuzzy screeching alarm bells in his head was absolutely not helping, either. Visiting the Hokage's office meant willingly going into a room with two definite perverts. Um, thanks, but no thanks. Luckily, Pervy Sage was fine with meeting outside, as long as Naruto was ok with putting up privacy seals. No problem, Fuzzy would be able to tell if the chakra was trapping chakra or just illusion chakra.

So that's how Naruto found himself in a barriered forest clearing with Jiji and Pervy Sage. He wasn't sure exactly what they wanted to talk about, but they're compromising so that's probably a good sign.

Oh shoot, Jiji's been talking?

"... and, to be frank, I still don't trust him. But he hasn't done anything yet, even though it's been made painfully clear that the seal allows more than enough leakage for him to possess you or even escape. And if he hasn't done anything yet, he must have a reason for it. I'm willing to accept that he won't do anything so long as that reason is explained, so I know just how far to extend conditional trust."

"Wait, what?"

"I'm extending an olive branch, if you will."

"Huh. Actually, why do you stick around, Fuzzy?"

"Because I don't see the point in killing you and because you're a great outlet for my pettiness. Obviously."

Naruto dutifully related this to Hiruzen.

"... No other reason?"

"I don't know what you want here, Jiji. He's a petty jerk who's also immortal so I'm good for curing his boredom."

"Does that mean your chaos is somewhat for the village's protection?"

"It keeps Fuzzy entertained enough, I guess."

"So it's for both of your amusement, not any sort of way to keep the Kyuubi from attacking?"

"Do I have to spell it out? I thought you were supposed to be the Teacher or something."

"The Professor."

"So you're a professional nerd?"

Hiruzen gave his best "I don't get paid enough for this" sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. Jiraiya just seemed lost in the background.

"So as long as he sees no point in killing you, and you keep him entertained, he won't bother trying to break loose."

"Yup."

"And if he gets bored?"

"He'll nap until I die, I guess."

"... I suppose that's good news. We don't have anything to fear so long as you're alive."

"Actually, you'll be fine forever as long as you're not stupid. Fuzzy thinks being sealed is a hassle so he's just gonna run away as soon as he's free so no one tries to do that again."

Jiji looks torn between confusion, relief, and questioning his very existence. Naruto can't relate. Just accept it and get over it so Naruto can get on with his life, Jiji!

"Could you at least stop radiating Kyuubi chakra all over the village? It's making business difficult."

"Meh. Sometimes, I guess."

"Sometimes?"

"We do what we want. And Fuzzy gets annoyed when I shove him into a corner."

"... Right. I'll take sometimes, then."

Jiraiya stepped back in.

"He's definitely not hurting you, then?"

"Yup."

He sighed.

"Let me know if he does. Because I promise, if he hurts you there won't be anywhere he can hide. I will seal his fuzzy butt as painfully as possible into the first rock I see, then I'll dump that rock into a volcano and laugh as he burns to ashes."

...

Kurama just stared through Naruto's eyes at the crazy pervert.

"Did I just get the shovel talk?"

"The shovel talk?"

"When a guy starts dating a girl, her parents give the shovel talk. To tell the guy that they'll murder him if he hurts their daughter or something like that."

"Does Pervy Sage think we're dating or something?"

"Maybe? I don't know if he's considered your parent by proxy or anything. Are you secretly his daughter?"

"Hey! I can't exactly fake what you see during my bathroom trips!"

"Fair enough. I don't really bother with romance anyway."

"How would you even do that?"

"Dunno. I don't exactly have a reproductive system."

"Yeah, you're pretty old for me anyway. That'd be really creepy."

"Oh, the pervert's still talking."

Naruto pulled himself out of his confusing train of thought to see Pervy Sage staring at him.

"Are you ok, kid?"

"You're a creep."