-Kurama-

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"How in the world have the police managed to not catch the idiot pedo? Didn't we tell them about his base back when the Hyuuga-Uchiha tug-of-war started? Sure, they decimated his public image with both legal and political high ground, but all that did was force him underground! Creeps like Danzo thrive underground! This just makes life harder for everyone involved!"

"Shut up, Fuzzy! We've got bigger stuff to worry about!"

"While I agree that the creepy cockroach isn't worth my time, it's rather pathetic that you haven't managed to squash him yet. I thought we'd established that I won't take a pathetic Jinchuuriki."

Naruto very eloquently mentally stuck his tongue out at Kurama. Kurama, ever eager to dismiss all semblance of human decency and ideas of "maturity", returned the favor without hesitation. It's the brat's fault that he's dealing with this anyway. Kurama would've just dumped the problem on the Hokage and called it a day.

Not the whole thing, mind you. The idiot pedo tried sending his stupid mediocre ninja to kidnap Naruto so they could try to brainwash him, and Kurama wouldn't let such a stupid insult go unpunished. Luckily, Naruto had the same thought and tracked the pathetic excuses for shinobi back to their mini-base. They immediately delighted in unleashing the righteous fury of a prank master all over the unsuspecting base (blinding neon paint was such a good look for those ROOT idiots!), but had to come to a pause when they found a bunker of semi-brainwashed children.

As previously stated, Kurama would've just dumped the kids on the Hokage and called it a day. Naruto, on the other hand, diligently tried to un-brainwash them. Fortunately, they were just barely not indoctrinated enough to blindly believe that Danzo was perfect once Naruto presented his flawless speech about why Danzo is a hypocritical idiot.

Unfortunately, they were just indoctrinated enough to immediately decide that they have to follow someone, and Naruto clearly has better ideas than their last leader. Naruto tried to dump them on the Hokage at that point, but the kids would not stop treating Naruto like their leader. They even went so far as to establish their own group (really, a cult in all but name) centered around Naruto.

"This isn't funny, you stupid fox! What the heck am I supposed to do?!"

"Make them worship you, obviously."

"...You're kidding, right?"

"Hey, I'm an immortal chakra construct of immeasurable power. Of course I've thought about starting a cult once or twice in my life. I'm rather curious about what a cult with me as a deity would look like."

"Then you can have them! I'll tell them that the whole speech of bright ideas came from you, and they'll worship you! See how you like it! And I'll bet that once they realize you were the one who came up with all this, they'll go get therapy or something!"

Oh, poor, pure, young child. Kurama knows better than anyone how messed up in the head shinobi (and indoctrinated children) are, and he definitely knows that absolutely none of them will even consider therapy.

Thus, the Kyuubi cult was born. Kyuubi-ism? Kurama-ism? Fuzzy-ism? Or something fancy like the Order of the Kitsune? The Nine Tails of Faith? Meh, Kurama's still working on it.

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-Hiruzen-

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This many mental breakdowns in such a short span of time probably isn't good for Hiruzen's long-term health. But the same thing could be said for his pipe, and he's still going strong. Maybe, just maybe, Hiruzen can figure out how to put a stop to this... Kyuubi cult the rescued children are forming, and then just... take a nap. Or maybe a coma. A coma sounds nice...

Naruto comes flying in and Hiruzen kisses his coma fantasies goodbye.
"Jiji! You're a sort-of ok leader, right? Help me tell Fuzzy to stop making doctrines!"

Hiruzen stares blankly.

"Jiji! Are you going senile or something?! I thought you'd be happy I want your help!"

"Describe these doctrines to me, please."

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-Naruto-

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Naruto wailed from the top of the Hokage Monument melodramatically. Of course Jiji couldn't do anything! But did he have to just give up as soon as Naruto started talking?! Naruto thought Jiji would be happy to try to help Naruto stop Fuzzy, for once!

"The word 'fuzzy' will be banned. It shall not be accepted as an appropriate way to refer to your lord."

"Shut it, you crazy furball!"

Naruto could hear the spite and churning wheels in Fuzzy's head.

"Or perhaps it would be rather disrespectful to refer to your lord by his true name. Very well, I will accept 'Fuzzy' as a substitute, because for my name to pass an impure idiot's lips would be an unforgivable crime. For those who dare to speak my name, they shall come to my prophet or one of my priests for absolution."

"Your prophet?! Priests?! Who the hell are your prophets and priests?!"

"The prophet is the messenger, the one who shares the words from my sacred lips."

Naruto blanched.

"No. No way in hell am I gonna be your prophet! I'm staying out of this!"

"Fear not, for you are unworthy, but I shall accept your poor, unworthy soul by my gracious will. I shall allow you to bask in my wisdom and glory for the rest of your days, and you will be my messenger to the whole world."

"The-"

"Shut it, brat. And go talk to Shisui. I bet he'd be more than willing to be my first priest. Plus, don't you want to have a religious reason to talk down to people like that?"

"... I give up. Fine, let's go get our stupid priest."

.

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A/N - I am (mildly) less sleep-deprived now, and am feeling an odd mixture of spiteful toward everything and oddly gleeful with a concerning power trip at the chaos that I have just unleashed in an imaginary fantasy world full of ninjas