-Iruka-

.

Sometimes, Iruka thinks Naruto gets some sort of sick, twisted sense of pleasure out of his teachers' humiliation. Maybe it's the Kyuubi's influence? Sure, Iruka knows that Naruto and the Kyuubi are separate, but by this point practically the whole village knows about "Fuzzy". Putting aside Naruto's apparently impeccable taste in naming, the Kyuubi would absolutely encourage Naruto to develop a penchant for sadism.

Naruto is currently demonstrating said sadism by humiliating his teachers. Where Naruto got his hands on all those fuuinjutsu scrolls, Iruka will never know. But Iruka certainly does know that having his lesson plans replaced with fuuinjutsu theory and being subsequently mocked by a seven-year-old for not understanding "your own lessons" is unbearably annoying. He's half-tempted to try to send Naruto to detention again, but he's not gonna make that mistake today. Never again.

So, like a rational person, Iruka just skips chakra theory for today and moves to history. Good thing today's lesson is about the Fourth Hokage. That always seems to pacify the menace.

Luckily, Naruto immediately settles down once he learns the topic of today's class. Thank the Sage. Maybe Iruka can get through the day with his sanity intact.

Never mind. Iruka doesn't know what he said, but Naruto's face suddenly screwed up in thought, then horrified disgust. Whatever "Fuzzy" just told Naruto, Iruka doesn't want to know. He calls it a half day and books it immediately. He and Kakashi have a deal to warn each other when the menace is having a bad day, and they've got a nice spot in the emergency shelters staked out. Last time Kakashi even brought the rest of Naruto's guard squad. Poor souls. Hopefully they brought Uno this time.

.

-Kurama-

.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"Like, totally sure?"

"Yep."

"Like, totally completely sure?"

"Shut it, brat! Of course I'm sure! Like I would forget that fat toad crushing my back! Mr. Precious Golden Boy Hokage had the toad contract, just like the stupid perv. And contracts are usually passed only to trusted friends and apprentices, so they were likely close. Given their ages, I would bet your pretty boy dad was a student of the old idiot."

Naruto fidgeted.

"But, are you sure?"

Kurama screamed in frustration. Naruto, surprisingly, got the hint. He stared into space in absolute shocked horror, before shaking his head violently.

"But, Dad was a cool guy, right? There's no way he was such a creepy perv's student! He was way better than that! There's gotta be some other way that they shared a contract, right?"

Great. The brat's going into denial.

"Maybe Dad beat him up for it! Or maybe he lost it because he's an idiot and Dad just scooped it up! Oh! Maybe the toads just ditched the perv for Dad and had to go back because Dad was too cool to let you rampage like a jerk!"

"Watch it, brat! I'll give you nightmares for years!"

Naruto huffed in annoyance.

"Shut up. You know I'm right."

Kurama groaned. He doesn't get paid enough for this. Heck, he doesn't even get paid. What would he even do with money? Kurama doesn't know, but he seriously deserves something for dealing with this. The awesome cult isn't worth this hassle. Maybe he'll try fining the kid for the awesome lectures? What the heck would he even fine the kid? Money is pointless, and he creates plenty of chaos without any of Kurama's prompting.

Naruto continues throwing out more and more convoluted justifications for the shared summoning scroll, completely oblivious to Kurama's train of thought.

"Maybe Dad actually had the toad contract first, and gave it to the perv out of pity! Or maybe they got it from a shared teacher and he's just that one student who went wrong!"

And that's when Jiraiya appears out of nowhere, hears Naruto's confused denials, and attempts to make conversation. A bad move. Naruto immediately yanks on Kurama's chakra (with no permission. He's getting an Academy lecture tonight.) and punts Jiraiya halfway across Konoha. And because the idiot has no sense of self-preservation, he comes right back. Maybe Naruto was on to something when he decided Jiraiya's a raging masochist?

"What the heck was that for, brat?!"

Naruto shrieks in something between rage and terror, and valiantly tries to punt the perv even farther this time. Unfortunately for Naruto, Jiraiya decided now was the time to show off his experience as a legendary war veteran Sannin and get halfway decent at dodging. Naruto finally gets the hint and tries to run, only to find Jiraiya actually did the smart thing for once and set up a barrier specifically tuned to Kyuubi chakra. Delightful. Kurama isn't sure whether to be impressed or insulted at the pervert's audacity. Maybe he'll just go piss on the perv's grave when he's free again and call it a holy site to be worshiped by his awesome new cult. That's something in between a compliment and an insult, right?

Kurama comes out of his definitely philosophical and mature pondering to find Naruto angrily ranting to Jiraiya about his whole range of excuses to preserve his dad's perfection. He contemplates making fun of the brat for being delusional, but decides that whatever Jiraiya does next will probably be funnier.

And indeed it is. For about two minutes, anyway. Jiraiya blinked dumbly for a moment, and then started laughing like a hysterical maniac for a solid minute before staring Naruto straight in the eye and going:

"Brat, he was my student. And you wouldn't believe the insane and stupid shit he pulled on a practically daily basis."

If Kurama were to guess what his brat's reaction would be to that revelation, it would be more denial and a panic attack followed by a desperate bid to break free until the cult heard and came to rescue their Prophet. Or the fangirls. Whoever happened to be nearby.

What Kurama did not expect was for Naruto to hear exactly one story about Minato inventing one of his greatest jutsu and immediately get over his denial in favor of squeezing every juicy detail he could from the crazy perv. And even worse, the perv totally capitalized on the bonding opportunity with no shame or hesitation. No! Kurama's put in too much work to keep the toad idiot away from the kid idiot! Telling the brat about his overrated father wasn't supposed to backfire like this!

"And he was so busy daydreaming about how to make the seal reach over any distance, he messed up the anchoring and accidentally flung himself halfway to Kumo! The Hokage chewed him out for half an hour straight, and he missed his date with Kushina!"

Ok, maybe Kurama was a little invested in the story. He'd plot his vengeance later.

.

.

.

.

A/N - I've read through the chapters, and I've realized that I really haven't ever made Naruto's age clear. So, here's a guide up to this point:

Chapters 1-5: Naruto is four

Chapters 6-13: Naruto is five

Chapters 14-32: Naruto is six

Chapters 33-Now: Naruto is seven (almost eight at this point)

I am aging him, just... slowly. At my own pace, if you will.