-Iruka-

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"Mao."

Again. Naruto's been showing up at recess every day for the last week. Not always to play Mao (sometimes to play ninja, or to mess with the teachers, or even just to torment his fanclub. Disturbingly, the fanclub was into it.), but he had dedicated today's recess to cards with Shikamaru. It was actually rather fascinating to watch; Shikamaru won more often than not, but would lose on purpose because making new rules was "troublesome" and he wanted to psychoanalyze Naruto's next rule. Naruto, of course, shamelessly took advantage of this. Actually, Naruto was being a surprisingly good sport about losing so much.

"Mao."

Shikamaru yawned as he won this round, too. Sasuke glared at the cards and looked up to scowl at Naruto.

"You're getting beaten by a guy who can't even be bothered to stay awake for more than five minutes before passing out again, idiot."

Naruto raised his chin haughtily.

"He's smart, jerk. No shame in losing to a smart guy. Actually, smart people are awesome! My dad was really smart, and that's how he beat Fuzzy!"

Iruka paused. And blinked. And rebooted.

Isn't Fuzzy actually the Kyuubi? The Fourth Hokage beat the Kyuubi though...

Oh. Yeah, that makes a disturbing amount of sense. Sasuke seemed to disagree, though.

"WHAT THE F-"

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-Jiraiya-

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Jiraiya was having a good day. He'd spent the last two months checking in with his spy network, and was eager to get back to Konoha. He and the brat had had a rough start, but a few years ago they'd finally started to bond over stories about Minato! Every once in a while Jiraiya would tutor Naruto about whatever aspect of fuuinjutsu currently caught the kid's fancy. And wow, did that kid have the talent for it! Just thinking about the absolute monster Naruto would be by the time he finally decided to graduate made Jiraiya shiver with sadistic anticipation. Especially for when Iwa found out about it.

So Jiraiya was more than a little excited to see the brat. He made his report to the Hokage as quickly as he could, and made a beeline for the Academy. Naruto almost never bothers to attend class, but his friends do and they're Jiraiya's best bet for finding the kid. He made it to the Academy in record time, and was pleasantly surprised to see Naruto actually filing out with the kids who just got let out of class. He was about to approach when...

"Naruto! Naruto! Can you do the flashy thing like your dad?"

What.

Naruto was entirely unaffected, but the whole school was practically buzzing with rumors about Naruto's dad. And (very unfortunately), they were mostly accurate. Jiraiya slipped into a mild panic mode and rushed to pull Naruto aside into a (hopefully) private corner.

"What happened?!"

Naruto looked vaguely unimpressed.

"Stop having a meltdown. It's kind of annoying. I've got a shopping trip to get to and Sasuke's gonna escape if Hinata and I don't catch him quick!"

And with that, Naruto ran off to corner Sasuke. Jiraiya just followed dumbly after sending a toad to let the Hokage know about the rumors, even though he probably already heard about them.

It seems that they managed to catch Sasuke, because Hinata and Naruto were practically skipping toward the market dragging a limp Uchiha in the dirt behind them. Jiraiya trailed somewhat dazedly behind them, just to keep an eye on Naruto and make sure no assassins came after him or anything. Of course, he was very quickly caught up in Naruto's ability to make everything weird.

"Why are you buying a skirt?"

Naruto stared condescendingly at Jiraiya.

"Some foreign guy with a funny accent said that guys wearing skirts are common in his country and that combat skirts are actually surprisingly comfy and practical for guys. I figured I could talk about it Saturday, but I wanna actually try it before I lecture ninja about it, you know? But the kind of skirt he was talking about isn't really common around here, so I can't really find any... "

Hinata spoke up.

"Maybe you could try a miniskirt? Less fabric to get in your way and more aerodynamic than a longer one. You could wear shorts under it, too."

Naruto brightened.

"Awesome idea, Hinata-chan! Come on, Sasuke, we gotta pick out a miniskirt for me!"

As Hinata and Naruto dragged Sasuke away to find a miniskirt, Jiraiya just wondered how this became his life. He questioned everything even more when they came out of a shop a few minutes later, with Naruto shamelessly rocking a bright orange miniskirt with black shorts under it. And of course, Hinata suggested that they get mani-pedis so Naruto can have matching nails. Jiraiya attempted to slink off at that point (along with Sasuke), but it seemed that the two terrors had decided that Jiraiya was just a part of the experience now. They grabbed Jiraiya and Sasuke and mercilessly dragged them to get their nails done. At least they let everyone pick their own colors, but it was only a small mercy. Soon after, they decided to get their hair done. Jiraiya fought valiantly, but was no match for salon ladies (who were absolutely horrified at the state of his hair). Sasuke seemed to know better and went limp immediately so they could drag him into their evil chair of doom to attempt (and fail) to fix his duck butt.

Brothers in suffering, Jiraiya and Sasuke leaned on each other for support as their souls left their bodies and Naruto eagerly dragged them to a dango place. Strange, but Naruto waved off the oddity by explaining that Hinata-chan likes sweets, and the crazy purple lady is off on a mission so it's safe for once. Jiraiya decides to adopt Sasuke's strategy and stops questioning it. Play dead and maybe you'll survive.

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A/N - Credit to freedomringer for the idea of an accidental crossdressing Naruto. You are a beautiful genius!