Ask, and ye shall receive

-Naruto-

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For once, Naruto was enjoying some peace and quiet. He had chosen to relax on top of his dad's giant disembodied stone head while he drew the village from a bird's-eye view. Even Fuzzy seemed to be enjoying the view (he wasn't napping, but he also hadn't said anything for a while). Sasuke was off getting Itachi to be his therapist (he'd totally deny it, but the shopping trip definitely traumatized him), Hinata was babysitting her cute little sister, Shisui was spreading the good word, and Kakashi-sensei was off on some mission that would definitely help with his questionable mental state. Yes, all was right with the world.

"Hey brat, your seal's breaking."

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Stop panicking, idiot. You're making it worse."

"What do you mean, my seal's breaking?! How did that happen?! Did someone mess with it?! Am I dying?!"

"Shut up. I've been steadily feeding you chakra with almost no breaks since you were seven. Honestly, I'm surprised the seal took this long to give out. No one messed with it. And you're not dead yet."

"So I'm not dying?"

"No, you're definitely gonna die. If you were older you'd be fine, but right now you're too young and pathetic. As soon as the seal gives out you're gonna explode from the sheer force of my chakra escaping."

"DO SOMETHING!"

Fuzzy hummed in thought.

"Let's be honest here, neither of us knows enough about fuuinjutsu to patch this thing. I'll make sure the cult remembers you."

Thus, Naruto had a panic attack and nearly fell off his dad's face. He was quickly dragged back into reality when Fuzzy made a very confused noise.

"What is it? Am I dead?!"

"No, idiot. The seal's fixed."

"HALLELUJAH!"

"Be more sceptical! Seals don't just fix themselves! Someone did it, and it sure as hell wasn't either of us!"

"Um, that may or may not be my fault."

Is that a second voice in Naruto's head?

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF LORD FUZZY-"

Almost half an hour later, after Naruto had run amok in sheer terror and convinced himself he had schizophrenia for about a minute before Fuzzy mercilessly made fun of him for being delusional, the second voice piped up again.

"Ah, I'm sorry for making you worry?"

The only reason Naruto didn't fly into another panicked frenzy was because Fuzzy cut off his chakra flow to shock Naruto into staying still for a second. Then Fuzzy made a very constipated noise and had to explain himself before Naruto had a heart attack.

"Holy shit, that's you dad."

"My dad is a ghost in my head?!"

"Dunno, I was under the impression that he dragged half my spirit into the Shinigami's stomach so we could mutually torture each other for the rest of eternity."

"Wow my dad's badass!"

"You're getting off topic, idiot."

They both got the distinct impression of someone shifting uncomfortably and came to the mutual conclusion that it was probably Minato. Fuzzy sighed tiredly.

"We should probably tell him what's going on before he decides to tighten the seal or something."

So Naruto and Fuzzy launched into a chaotic discussion/debate about what's been going on for the last nine years. Minato was very quiet the whole time, radiating mild concern but just giving up a few minutes in. Actually, he seemed rather amused by the time the semi-argument over who did more work was done. Fuzzy was very sceptical at the Fourth's odd ability to take everything in stride. Of course, Minato just shrugged when he was questioned (interrogated) about it.

"I just woke up to find my nine-year-old son having a panic attack, then starting a questionably friendly debate with the Kyuubi, and found out that he started a cult and got rich off of coffee before he even graduated from the Academy. And that apparently the only reason he hasn't graduated yet is because he just likes messing with the teachers and doesn't need the money from ninja missions. Am I supposed to not find that a little funny?"

Fair play. Naruto didn't question it and immediately launched into showing off for his dad by telling tales of his exploits and gushing over all the cool things he could do (with Fuzzy's help, of course. No, Fuzzy absolutely did not puff up with pride when Naruto praised him).

"I heal, like, super fast! It's great, 'cause I've never even had to stay in the hospital whenever I do something crazy! Hey, Fuzzy, remember the last time I launched myself off Jiji's big stone face? That was awesome!"

"You launched yourself off the Hokage Monument?"

"And I've got all kinds of awesome plants! I'm immune to poison, so I can have awesome killer plants all over my house so bad guys can't break in!"

"You're immune to poison?"

"Yep!"

Minato paused thoughtfully while Naruto launched into a grand story of the last time he made Konoha think it was haunted (it had become a regular thing once Naruto realized that he could profit off of it). The next time Naruto took a much-needed breath break, Minato piped up again.

"What exactly are you defining as a poison?"

"Huh?"

"Just about anything can be lethal, in the right amounts. It doesn't have to be a drug or a chemical; even water or the air we breathe can be toxic if too much is ingested. Are you immune to radiation? Or synthetic poisons? Plant poisons have clearly been thoroughly tested and proven ineffective, but what about other natural poisons? For example, the food you eat. There are parts of it that your body can't use, so you get rid of it before it can kill you. That's what your poop and pee are, therefore your own excrement is poisonous and dangerous if you don't get rid of it. Can Fuzzy negate that, too?"

Oh, Fuzzy did not like where this was going. Naruto took a few seconds to think.

"Hey Fuzzy, can you make my poop not poisonous?"

"I'm not touching your waste, brat! Let your father try it if you want a chakra ghost to purify your poop so badly!"

Minato shook his head.

"I don't have any poison-purifying capabilities. Please, Fuzzy. You don't have to do it for long, just to see if it works. After all, wouldn't it be useful on a mission to not have to use the bathroom? You'd leave less scent behind and you wouldn't have to stop running to dispose of your waste, so you'd be much harder to track. And even if it doesn't work, at least you know. You can do it to shut us up, if nothing else."

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-Minato-

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To say that Minato wasn't surprised would easily be the worst lie he'd ever heard. He was expecting to manifest in his son's seal much later than nine, but he supposed it was rather poetic this way. And to find out that his son was now an object of literal worship? Definitely surprising. But Minato can definitely work with this. If nothing else, it's clear that Naruto already adores his father. Most likely, he's been told various stories already. Although when he was telling his life story, Minato noticed a distinct lack of Jiraiya until relatively recently. To be fair, a good chunk of that was only half Jiraiya's fault. Naruto stayed away as best as he could when he (accurately) labelled Jiraiya a pervert. Still, the fact that Jiraiya only came into Naruto's life when he was worried about the Kyuubi breaking out (well over a year after he first started influencing Naruto's dreams) was very telling. At least Kakashi had the excuse of being ordered to stay away.

Although Jiraiya wasn't the only one Minato was frustrated with. Seriously, if the Kyuubi was always relatively non-murdery like this, couldn't he have made a point of letting Minato and Kushina know before they killed themselves and doomed their child to a life of pain and loneliness? The only real redeeming factor here was that "Fuzzy" had actively tried to improve Naruto's life. For that, Minato will have mercy. But let it not be said that Minato is not petty as hell. He took great delight in encouraging Fuzzy to continue "potty duty" for a solid two weeks before Fuzzy inevitably snapped.

"Enough! We've satisfied your stupid curiosity now, haven't we?! Use your stupid toilet again, brat!"

Naruto pouted, but Minato gave a mental head pat to comfort him.

"At least we know. We can fall back on this if we ever need to completely erase your presence to make you harder to track, at least."

"No! I'm never doing this again!"

Minato continued, entirely unbothered.

"You know, we could incorporate this into your religion. They say you are what you eat, so we could frame it as Fuzzy is purifying the parts of you that you no longer require through destroying your poop. Perhaps farts are now holy remnants of flaws which Fuzzy expels from us?"

"Shut up."

And, completely despite Fuzzy's holy will, Naruto absolutely announced that new doctrine to Shisui the first chance he got. Shisui was absolutely delighted to share it with the Followers. Fuzzy vowed to do a holy shit on Minato's grave the moment he got out.

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A/N - To the guest who really wanted to see philosophical potty humor and ghost Minato. I've been avoiding it mostly because writing the dialogue gets a lot harder, but can we just take a second to appreciate the sheer potential of this? Especially when Naruto's old enough to actually take off the seal (which I haven't decided how old he needs to be but it's probably happening eventually) and we add Kushina into it!