Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars.
Chapter OnePadmé felt a sudden flutter in her chest, her heart clenching and releasing, as though held by an invisible hand. The sensation pulled her from her reverie and back into reality. She found herself staring out the window. Again.
Coruscant's skyline was breathtakingly grand. At sunset, the blue-white glow of its distant sun pierced the planet's atmosphere, merging with the never-ending flow of anti-gravity traffic. The splashes of brilliance traced the cascading contours of clouds, skyscrapers, and towering spires, stretching across the horizon endlessly.
Twilight was perhaps Padmé's favorite time on Coruscant. She often withdrew from the endless arguments of the Senate to immerse herself in the moment and find peace. But now, she stared out the window, watching as the nearly identical buildings stretched endlessly before densely clustering together—like ants swarming across a blank canvas. The sight sent a chilling unease through her, and a persistent weight pressed down on her chest, unyielding, refusing to lift.
Perhaps it was a result of the concussion and the stress of war, but how could she explain that she always stood at the window gazing into the distance? After staring at it for so long, the lights of various colors intertwined and blurred, except for the five spires in the distance, which stood out brightly in the sea of brilliance. It wasn't just now that she noticed the uniqueness of the Jedi Temple, but why had it captured her attention so much at this moment?
Anakin.
His name escaped her lips, causing a sharp flutter in her chest. This had been happening more frequently since returning from Geonosis. Worry about Anakin and anxiety about the future nearly consumed her. It seemed like a long time since he had come back into her life that she hadn't been focused on one thing completely. Even when she fought the beast to the death in the arena, she acted on instinct to ensure his safety; when she hunted Dooku, she prioritized her duty, but her worry for him pressed against her chest, weighing her down until she stormed into the tower—
He was alive! Thank the stars!
She ran to him and hugged him tightly. But Anakin was in terrible shape; his face was swollen, his elbow broken, and there was no blood from the wound because it was cauterized. His gaze was empty, his expression wooden, as if he hadn't yet processed what had happened. The energetic young Jedi was gone, replaced by someone who stood there confused, like a child who had lost his mother's hand in a crowd. She couldn't stop trembling as she hugged him, her internal organs seeming to squeeze each other painfully.
"I'm here, Anakin, I'll stay with you," She whispered a promise in his ear.
However, Padmé was unable to honor that promise. She desperately wanted to see Anakin. Just one glimpse would be enough for her, but she couldn't even manage that. She concocted grandiose excuses that crumbled at the touch of the temple's rigid rules, and the healer's businesslike look made her want to cry. She'd never imagined being so wretched and useless, and her attempts had centered on nothing more than wanting to see him again. Why was it so difficult?
"Anakin is a Jedi; he has sworn an oath to the Jedi Order," Obi-Wan's words echoed in her mind like a ghost. "A Jedi has many important missions and rules to follow."
She kept replaying her encounter with Obi-Wan in the Temple Medical Hall. He had offered to talk, but all she could think about was Anakin at that moment, and she remembered in a trance that he'd said many things, not in the usual standard Jedi style, with a rare candor and concern. She tried hard to catch his words, but they passed through her fingers like the wind.
Until he said, "He cares about you, Padmé, too much, and I'm worried it will destroy him."
A wave of panic hit her.
Obi-Wan's sincere expression hung with exhaustion. "I can't just stand by and let him be misled by emotional ties, abandon his duty, or even jeopardize his own life."
"What does it mean？"
" When you fell from the ship, all he wanted to do was come back to save you. He didn't care about Dooku, didn't care about the war. During his duel with Dooku, his judgment was clouded by hatred because Dooku had hurt you. Padmé, you have no idea how close he came to death."
The words punched her in the stomach so hard it hurt to even exhale.
"This wasn't the first time he's lost control, was it? When you were on Tatooine, Master Yoda felt an uncontrollable rage emerge from Anakin through the Force." Alarm bells rang in her mind as she locked eyes with the Jedi Master.
" I'm so sorry about his mother's death. I didn't realize how deeply it affected him, but we can't let attachment destroy him. "
"I... I killed them. I killed them all. "
"They're dead, every single one of them."
"Not just the men, but the women and the children too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals..."
Anakin's words overlapped with Obi-Wan's warnings in her ears, splitting into countless voices that buzzed incessantly. She couldn't hear that Anakin should place his duty above personal feelings; she couldn't hear that leaving the Jedi Order would be a huge mistake for him; she couldn't hear, I hope you both stop at friendship before it's too late. What she heard was... Please think of him.
It hit her directly.
When the intention was to think of him, everything else faded away.
Before Tatooine, the strongest motivation for rejecting Anakin was her belief that everything was under control; she might not be able to control his affection, but she could control her own. Years of a political career had taught her an important lesson: to cut losses in time. No one would die from losing someone. Their love would bring pain, and suffering, and eventually turn into scars with time and distance, perhaps never healing, always aching when touched. However, it would pass, it would scab over, and finally move on.
Then, Shmi died, and Anakin collapsed, shattering her resolute decision with overwhelming force. The atrocity he unleashed to avenge his mother still sent chills down her spine, but it wasn't the main reason that shook her completely.
When Anakin confessed to his revenge against the Tuskens, she was so shocked that even now she couldn't fully make sense of what she had felt. Her mind seemed to freeze, her body went limp, and all she could do was stare at him numbly. His face twisted between pain and shame as he paced aimlessly around the engine room, until he collapsed in the corner, exhausted, burying his face in his knees and starting to cry. She kept staring at him, not taking her eyes off him for a second. She didn't know what she was staring at or what she was thinking as if a thick fog had flooded her brain.
Now she knew what she saw wasn't the high-spirited Jedi apprentice, but the boy who had boarded the starship for the first time years ago. He woke up in a cold ship, cowering in a corner, shivering, tears streaming down his face from missing his mother.
"Here," he said. " I made this for you. So you'd remember me. I carved it out of a japor snippet... It will bring you good fortune. "
Even in his fear of the future, his thoughts never strayed from her safety. He placed his trust in strangers without reservation, even putting his own life on the line to help them selflessly. Amidst the struggles of survival, he clung to hope and love as his most solid foundation, carrying a profound sense of devotion to every life he encountered.
She knew Anakin. During his years of slavery on Tatooine, in a world filled with violence, poverty, and suffering, it was Shmi's love that shaped his kindness and strength; during his rigorous training at the Jedi Temple, it was also Shmi's love that sustained his hope. He hopes to reunite with his mother, to make her proud, to see her safe. Hope shattered, the pain and rage torched his faith. She didn't excuse his revenge; she tried to understand how someone's emotions could be so intense.
Padmé didn't know what drove her at that moment, perhaps it stemmed from her most genuine desire; she embraced him, comforted him—
"To be angry is to be human."
But hate shouldn't be expressed through violence... She knew Anakin had made a huge mistake. Yet, she also believed he would still give his all, even his life, to love, to save, to give. This was the fundamental thing that shook her to her core - for the first time in her life, she had been so selfish so self-righteous that she gave in to her emotions, disregarding all the rules and principles she had held onto for years. She was well aware that Anakin would be her greatest vulnerability, but she didn't mind at all.
Finally, she saw her heart; She truly... deeply... loved Anakin Skywalker. Before they died, she needed him to know.
Now, they're alive.
Then what?
She stared out the window, unaware of the moment darkness obliterated the twilight. On Coruscant, the nights shone more brilliantly than the days, as the vivid lights of buildings intertwined with the rapidly changing glow of holographic advertising screens. Countless ships sped past, their slender beams blending into a dazzling river of lights that flowed endlessly... She couldn't see where it ended. She didn't know where to go.
The air conditioning in the Senate office building, set to a constant temperature based on biodiversity, always irritated Padmé. Sunlight streamed precisely from the dome, casting uniform shadows behind each column. The exhaled breath of various beings merged into a single scent, creating a windless, dry, and sticky atmosphere that reminded her of a vast, enclosed escape pod. Last night, the Queen suggested she take a few weeks off. With a formal nod, Padmé thanked the Queen, turned off the hologram, and found herself at a loss for what to do next.
At 7 a.m., she returned to the Senate alone. As she disembarked from the speeder, she hit her forehead on the door, feeling as though she were falling headfirst down the gangway. Well, she had fallen harder a few days ago. The hit jolted her groggy mind awake, and standing in the turbolift, she began to organize her schedule: signing documents, returning communications, attending two banquets, a holographic meeting... How was Anakin? No news was good news, but she still longed to see him. She had to see him; she had made decisions for them, and she needed to tell him in person. Damn, back to square one! Whether confined to her apartment or stepping out, idling away or working tirelessly, her thoughts always circled back to—
"Anakin!"
Padmé blurted out as the turbolift door slid open. Anakin was here! In his usual Jedi robes, sandy-short hair, and Padawan braid, sweat-slicked forehead, breathing heavily, just as he had appeared in her apartment not long ago. She held her breath, staring at him in disbelief.
Then, he smiled. The clouds parted, and the sun shone.
Padmé lunged forward, grabbing his wrists as if she were drowning, her gaze sweeping from head to toe. "Are you all right? How do you feel?"
" I'm fine, don't worry about me," Anakin said, gripping her wrists in return, " I was very worried about you, Padmé. As soon as I left the medbay, I wanted to see you, but-"
"I'm fine too." She exhaled a long breath, releasing all her anxiety.
He smiled again as if a heavy burden had been lifted.
She looked at him more closely, her gaze lingering on his right hand—the mechanical one hidden under a black glove. She couldn't see it, but its presence was unmistakable. A sharp discomfort rose in her chest, and without thinking, she reached out to touch it. The hand jerked back, as if burned. She glanced up and caught the fleeting look of embarrassment in his eyes. Without a second thought, she reached out with both hands and gently held the mechanical replacement. "I don't mind," she whispered. "It's a part of you."
He paused, a flurry of unreadable emotions flickering across his face. Just as she began to wonder if she had said something wrong, his brow relaxed, and he smiled—a smile that was hers alone. "I know. I'm still adjusting."
For a moment, they simply gazed at each other, a little foolishly, but she didn't care. It wasn't until the turbolift started that she realized they were at an entrance where anyone could see them. She let go of his hand and took a step back, her posture suddenly stiff. Anakin mirrored her, stepping back with quiet caution.
" You're here to see me?" Uh-huh, obviously. Where's your brain, Padmé?
"I have some news to tell you." he said, his eyes sparkling. "Good news."
Padmé bit her lower lip, suppressing an unbidden smile. She quickly glanced at the hallway, where a Mirialan in a council uniform hurried past. With a polite gesture, she motioned toward the corridor, and Anakin nodded before falling into step beside her.
The walk wasn't long, and they encountered almost no one. She avoided looking up at him, conscious of their height difference. Maintaining the carefully measured distance between them felt awkward—too deliberate, almost artificial. Yet he was so close that she could feel the warmth radiating from his body, as if they were trapped in a stifling cocoon. Her pores began to sweat, her head feeling light. The faint scent of rain-soaked earth and oil lingered in the air. How strange—it set her mind wandering, imagining how he might look when he woke in the morning.
Thank goodness, they arrived. Before entering the passcode, Padmé finally looked up at him, relieved to see she wasn't the only one who was nervous. As the door opened, she intended to make space for him to enter first, but when she turned around, she almost bumped into his chest, a wave of heat burning from her spine to her cheeks. Here, at her office door, in a hallway where they could be seen at any moment, the first thought that invaded her mind was that her forehead didn't reach his chin, and she wanted to be wrapped in his robe—before her psychological reaction led to a physiological one and became awkward, she stepped into the room.
Padmé stood with her back to Anakin, facing the expansive floor-to-ceiling windows. The sunlight, newly risen, was so dazzling it seemed to dissolve the morning haze of Coruscant. Inhale, exhale. When she turned back, she froze. Anakin stood about three steps away, hands hidden in his sleeves, head slightly bowed, his face blushing, with wide, innocent eyes fixed on her...He was so stunning. A surge of warmth, entirely out of place, swept through her, leaving her momentarily dizzy.
"What is it?" She cleared her throat and asked.
"Oh, yeah. I do have something to tell you."
Then, an awkward silence ensued.
"You just said that." She said.
He looked down and pursed his lower lip, so adorable. She couldn't help but smile, and he followed suit. It was as if the awkwardness from seconds ago had never existed. "What's the good news, anyway?"
" I've been knighted as a Jedi."
"Wow! " Her smile was so wide that her face changed shape. "I'm so proud of you, Anakin."
"Thanks." He grinned. " I didn't expect it to happen so soon, well, although they should have done it earlier."
"Come on, Anakin, don't be such a boy."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"How dare I make fun of a Jedi. A proud, fearless Jedi Knight."
"And, you just called me a boy."
She looked him over, then pretended that it had suddenly dawned on her. " My goodness, how you've grown! "
"So have you."
Exchanging silly old jokes, they laughed louder than they should have. With him, she laughed so much. Slowly, she realized that his laughter had faded into an intense, unwavering gaze. She couldn't help but look back into his eyes, which had a circle of light gray around the edges of his blue irises, bright and sparkling, staring at her like she was the only source of light in the night sky. No one had ever looked at her this way. The countless words stored in her mind suddenly vanished.
"I like seeing you like this," he said.
"Like what?"
He stepped closer to her. "Like..." He lifted his hand, the flesh-and-blood one, and traced the lines of her face from her brow to her lips, his thumb brushing over the curve of her smile. " Laughing if you want to ..." He smiled that way as if he was cherishing a hazy yet wonderful dream. "I want you to be happy, Padmé. I want to make you happy."
She almost cried, cursing her sentimentality. "You're hurt so badly, you should be resting." She stepped back, creating some distance between them.
He stared at her in confusion. "Padmé, are you all healed?"
"I'm fine, They're healing well, you're the one who needs to rest."
He checked her one more time, then dropped the subject. "I have vacation time, several weeks, and I... I thought ... maybe I could escort you back to Naboo if you plan to return." He smiled again, a boyish grin. "If not, let me take you out, Padmé. Have you heard of MoonRiver City, on the edge of the mid-rim? I've never been, but they say the moons wrap around the main star like a glowing river..."
Sunlight poured through the glass and onto the floor, spreading out in several rays, tracing his silhouette and cutting a long shadow. Light and dark entwined, brightening and dimming in turn. His face, full of hope, full of vigor. Her eyes stung, perhaps from the intense light, or maybe because he was painting a picture of their future—not some grand, unattainable dream, but simple, reachable happiness. He wanted to take her to the lower levels of Coruscant, to explore the quirky little stores; he wanted to dive with her into the ocean to find glowing bubble fish; or they could just lie on the lawn and do nothing.
When he said that, it was as if their lives belonged to themselves, they could do whatever they wanted.
" He cares about you, Padmé, too much, and I'm worried it will destroy him." Obi-Wan's words burrowed into her mind like a snake, coldly biting into the reality they had to face.
"Anakin..."
He stopped, a blush of embarrassment mixing with his hopeful expression. " sorry, it's too much."
She wanted to tell him, "It's okay. it's so sweet so cute, and every single thing is what I want to do with you. " But in the end, all she could say was, "I'm sorry, I can't."
He looked stunned. "I know you're busy. But I'm not going anywhere. When you have time, we can do whatever you want. I'll be with you."
Her thoughts grew hazy. What could she possibly say? We're not right for each other, and it's best if we don't see each other anymore; I only confessed because I thought we were going to die, and I never considered what would come; We have more important things to do than fall in love...Say it. Just say it! Where did all those reasons go? You're good at convincing people, aren't you?
"I don't want to pressure you. I just..." Anakin's expression was tense yet resolute. He stepped closer, his gaze intense, never leaving her. They were so close. So close that she only needed to lean forward to nestle into his embrace. So close that she could feel the warmth of his breath on her lips. "Padmé, I really, truly want to be with you," he said softly and sincerely.
She gripped the edge of the desk tightly. As his hand touched her cheek, at the moment of skin-to-skin contact, she realized he was trembling too.
"You're trembling."
"You're beautiful."
His eyes brimmed with devotion. He wanted to kiss her, to claim her, with a blatant desire etched on his face. He closed his eyes, leaning in, but she turned away, his kiss landing on her cheek, burning her skin.
"We can't do this." she said, staring at the wall, her determination firm. "Anakin, we can't be together."
Silence flooded the room like a vast tide. After a while, he stepped back to a safe distance. Then, after another moment, his voice broke the stillness. "Because I'm a Jedi."
She had nothing to say.
"Please, believe me, Padmé."
"Believe what?" She looked at him.
"We won't live a lie. I...I won't hide you." he said, his voice faltering but his expression resolute, as though making a life-altering decision in that moment. "You know I won't give you up, no matter what the cost, even... even if it means leaving the Jedi Order."
"How can you say that!" She was startled, raising her voice. "You've just been knighted! You can't leave the Jedi Order."
"What am I supposed to do? Between you and the Jedi, you know I'll always choose you."
"I won't let you make that choice!" she said firmly. "You have your duty, your mission. I can't take that away from you—I can't be that selfish."
"I'm not blind, Padmé. I know my duty, my place, what's right and what isn't. I'm not afraid of war or death. But I can't lose you,I just can't…" He paused, trying to regain some composure. "Yes, I'm a Jedi, but I'm also a man with a heart. I gave it to you long before I pledged myself to the Jedi."
"Anakin..."
Sunlight flickered across his face, casting a mosaic of light and shadow. "I truly hope I can stay in the Order and be with you. I really thought we could be happy."
she took a deep breath as if it could give her strength. "There's a war, Anakin. We have our duties. We'll be torn apart, sent to opposite ends of the galaxy, tortured by endless longing and worry. How can we be happy?" She met his pained gaze bravely. "I'm sorry, I can't be as optimistic as you. It has nothing to do with your choices, and I don't care about hiding and lying."
"Then why can't we be together?"
"Because I care about you!" she burst out as if expelling the repressed anxiety from her body. " I care about whether you get hurt, whether you can achieve your ambitions, whether you can have a good future. I care about you, Anakin. I really do. That's why we can't be together, don't you understand? I can't bear to worry about you every moment, and the thought of you possibly not achieving your ambitions or even losing your life, because of me... It's worse than killing me."
He froze. His eyes were wide, the deep blue irises misted with a film of moisture. In the very next second, he cradled her head and kissed her—she was caught off guard, he bit her lower lip, his tongue aggressively delving in to tangle with her own. She shuddered back to her senses, instinctively kissing back fiercely and forcefully. This kiss was different from the tender sweetness of the previous two—still passionate and fervent, yet filled with a burning hunger. He let out a moan, his hands delving into her hair, entwining her strands, caressing her scalp... No one had ever kissed her like this. She felt the world spinning, a buzzing in her head, her senses seeming to be on fire, her legs weakening, almost collapsing, forcing her to clutch his Jedi robe for support. He must have sensed her weakness, his hands moving down to her back, lifting her, pressing her tightly corseted breasts firmly against his solid chest.
They kissed desperately, tongues fiercely entwined, sweeping the inner walls of each other's lips and teeth. Even when they had to catch their breath, they nibbled on each other's lips as if they wanted to devour one another. She felt hot, like her skin was being reddened and scorched by the twin suns of Tatooine, only worse now, with her back damp and itchy, and a fire seeming to ignite in her lower abdomen, longing to tear off every layer of clothing. He seemed to feel the same, tearing off his cloak as he nibbled at her lips and tongue carelessly, holding her tightly as if it could never be enough. Her hands found their way to his collar, slipping inside. The moment her fingers touched his sweaty skin, it felt like they were sparking with electricity. A choked sound escaped his throat as his hot, wet mouth trailed from her chin to her throat, lingering to suck on the spot between her neck and collarbone, drawing an uncontrollable whimper from her. He lifted her and set her on the desk—
Bang!
The world stopped suddenly. They both pulled away and turned toward the loud noise—a glass ornament symbolizing the friendship between Naboo and Chandrila lay on the vintage silver floor, missing a corner.
Padmé noticed their current situation before Anakin did: she was half-lying on the desk, legs wrapped around his waist, and he was still pressed against her, his chest rising and falling with his rapid heartbeat. Anakin turned to her, eyes dazed, lips red and slightly parted, breathing heavily. Suddenly, he jolted upright, retreating from her space as if stung.
What had they done? Disheveled, gasping for breath, trembling uncontrollably—her desk was nearly in ruins. He now stood farther from her than when he'd first stepped inside, his head bowed, his breathing uneven, his expression distant. She wasn't in much better shape.
"I..."
"Please!" Anakin's voice was firm, his gaze unwavering. "I won't regret a single second of what just happened."
"Neither will I."
He wiped his eyes with his wrist, forcing a strained, lopsided smile. "I just want you to be happy, Padmé."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't say that." He picked up his cloak and turned toward the door. After a few steps, he glanced back at her, the sadness on his face as fragile as cracked glass, ready to shatter at the slightest touch. "If you think you'd be happier without me, then I respect that. But I want you to know...I love you."
She wanted to say, I love you too; she wanted to say, I want to be with you; she wanted to say, I'm sorry, please come back... But no words came. She could only watch as the sunlight struck the gleaming door, blazing like fire and consuming his shadow entirely.