He pressed his thumb to the buzzer outside the door. After a few seconds he heard some vague shuffling before the door opened.

Her brown eyes which he was used to seeing peer at him warmly were reserved - not quite cold but clearly guarding something. They looked straight into his blue ones and he wondered what she could be thinking. "James, what are you doing here?" Again her tone was polite, not quite steely. Her voice lilted over his name like it always had, still stirring something within him.

He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, "Mara, hi. Can I - can I come in?" Despite every version of this reunion he had rehearsed in his head, he could never get this first part quite right even in his mind.

She opened the door to her apartment a bit wider and gestured for him to come inside. "Shoes off, please" she said politely. As he stepped in and began to slide his shoes off, he took in the sight of her a bit more - she was dressed in sweatpants and an oversized sweater, her brown hair hanging loose and falling down her back. It was longer than he remembered it being before. He felt the sudden yearning to run his fingers through it, but quickly reminded himself that those days were long past.

She walked further into the apartment and he followed, she led him into the kitchen and she gestured again towards a stool. He took in her apartment - the kitchen was free of clutter and had a smattering of appliances across the counters, and it led into a living area that had told a similar story - everything in its place. It fit with the meticulous Mara he knew but was missing the warmth he had fallen in love with in Wakanda. He didn't know what to say - how to begin. It seemed like she didn't either, she busied herself reaching into a cabinet and grabbing two glasses. She poured water in both of them and slid one towards him. She locked eyes with him once again, and broke the silence, with unexpected bluntness, "I'm not used to you with two arms."

Bucky couldn't help but laugh, but he cut himself off roughly. "Yeah…yeah I guess you aren't," he replied, then berated himself internally for saying something so inane. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and decided to stop stalling. "I got your address from Sam," he began roughly, "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."

He took a deep breath and started to recite the speech he had gone over in his mind dozens of times. "Mara, I've been making amends to people I wronged when I was the Winter Soldier." Mara held his gaze with the same guarded look on her face. He continued. "It - it's something this shrink they assigned me as part of my pardon is having me do. I have a list of people written in this notebook and I've been trying to get through all of them. I've crossed everyone off the list, but then I realized there was another person - you."

Now she blinked and broke eye contact with him. She looked out the large window overlooking her balcony. He saw her fingers tighten around the glass she held. He kept going, "Mara, I didn't wrong you when I was the Winter Soldier. I did that all by myself, as James Bucky Barnes. I came here to apologize-"

"Apologize?" Mara broke her silence with a scoff. "James, are you serious right now? You think you can come here and apologize after everything that's happened between us? Like saying the right words will somehow fix it?"

"Mara, I don't know what else to say," Bucky tried to backtrack.

"You disappeared for five years. Five long years where I had to look for you, then accept that you were gone, then grieve you. I stayed in Wakanda for a couple years but my funding had dried up and I couldn't bear to round every corner and be reminded of you and then remember that I'd never have you again. So I didn't bother to apply for a new grant and I moved back here."

She had tears in her eyes, and with them he saw the anguish, the pain that had made him nervous to come here at all. She took a few steps away from Bucky and grabbed a tissue from a box set on an end table. Bucky's heart clenched and he wished he could reach out and wipe her tears, hold her, apologize again, take away her hurt.

She was partially turned away from Bucky as she continued, not wanting him to see her cry. "I spent so long being angry with you for leaving me, and then I felt foolish for being angry when it wasn't even your fault. And then imagine my relief when we found out that everyone who was gone had come back - that the impossible had happened. I didn't reach out to anyone in Wakanda because I knew things were chaotic, but I was waiting, hoping to hear from you."

"Mara, please" Bucky pleaded, knowing what came next, selfishly not wanting to hear her version of one of his greatest regrets. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"You have a strange way of showing it," Mara retorted, her voice cracking. "What were you thinking when you called me?"

Bucky licked his lips, "When we came back from being…blipped, it was like no time had passed at all. One second we were defeated and the next moment it was five years later and we had to keep fighting after we thought we had lost."

"Then we had to clean up the pieces - all while realizing that five years had passed and people had moved on. I was still in Wakanda and Shuri mentioned you had moved back to New Jersey. I was going to reach out and then Steve told me he was planning to leave."

Mara turned her head towards him and her brow furrowed. Her eyes still shone with tears and she held the tissue tightly in her hand. "What do you mean, leave?" she asked.

Bucky waved his hand vaguely, "It's complicated, I can tell you more about it later, but all that matters is Steve was leaving and not coming back. And he deserved to go. He fought so hard to bring everyone back and he gave up so much, I couldn't possibly ask him to stay. But Steve was the closest thing to family I had, and I was about to lose him. I was confused when I called you. I knew it had been five years and I didn't want to hold you back, just like I didn't want to hold Steve back."

Mara thought back to the call she had received a few weeks after people had started returning, trying to make sense of it.

She had been sitting at home on her couch watching TV when the call had come through. She fumbled with the remote trying to mute the TV as she raised her phone to her ear. "Hello?"
"Mara?" Bucky's voice came through the receiver and Mara's stomach and heart switched places inside her.

"James," her voice came out in a near gasp, "is it really you? Are you okay?" She nervously kneaded one of her hands into the blanket that was thrown over her lap. This was the stuff of dreams, of miracles, Hearing James again was a miracle.

"Yes - yes it's me. And you, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah of course I'm okay," Mara replied with a smile. "Are you in Wakanda? Are you hurt? Is anyone else hurt?"

"Yes…I'm in Wakanda. I'm not hurt. Tony Stark died, and Natasha Romanoff. Some others I don't know as well. I'm still understanding everything that happened. Five years passed for everyone else but it was like a moment for me."

Mara nodded in understanding, even though Bucky couldn't see her. She could hear in his voice that he was having a hard time and she tried to soften her voice as she spoke next, "Yeah, I imagine it's pretty confusing. I can't believe I'm talking to you right now. I, um, had to leave Wakanda a few years ago because my contract ended." She felt the need to explain why she was so far away. "I'm in New Jersey now, back home."

There was a brief silence as Bucky didn't immediately respond. After everything that happened, being thrown back into another battle that was actually two battles, he didn't know how to say what he really meant. I love you Mara. You make me want to be a better man. Tell me exactly where you are so I can find you and hold you and never let go.

He had to settle for reality - that Mara had survived five years without him and that he was still the same person he had always been. Damaged, dangerous, all wrong for her. "I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm okay," he said. "I have to go, they're doing this celebration dinner here and…I have to go."

"Oh, okay," Mara said. She was surprised at the abrupt cutoff and Bucky could hear the hurt in her voice. He knew he had to cut this off before she said something that changed his mind.

"Take care, Mara," Bucky tried to put some affection in his voice but the words were so detached, so unfitting, that they came off like daggers that went straight for Mara's heart. The line went silent before Mara could respond.

Mara tried to imagine herself in Bucky's shoes. Told that the world had shifted five years in a matter of seconds. Thrown into yet another battle. Then dealing with the most important person in your life telling you they're leaving. But no, could that be right? Steve was the most important person in Bucky's life, yes - but did that mean Mara didn't matter? That couldn't be right.

"So you panicked that Steve was leaving, and you decided-what? That if he could leave you, it was okay for you to leave me? That doesn't make sense!"

Bucky ran a hand across his face, "I know, I know it doesn't make sense. I - I can't justify it. Getting dusted was like… it was like being taken out of cryo again. One day I'm holding you in Wakanda and everything is calm and beautiful and perfect. Then I get called into battle and aliens fall from the sky and I blink and I'm told that you've lived five years of your life without me."

"I didn't ask to spend five years without you!" Losing her will to fight the tears, she buried her face in her hands and let out a wretched sob. After a long moment Bucky saw her take a deep breath and she wiped her dripping nose with a tissue before looking back at him. "James, you broke my heart when Thanos took you. And I know, I know you didn't do it on purpose, that you had no choice. Like you've had no choice about so many things that have happened to you. But then you came back and you broke my heart all over again when you didn't come for me when you could have. I loved you so much, I never got over you. And now…you're here and it hurts to think about all of it." Mara collapsed on the sofa next to her, pulling her knees towards her chest and curling into herself before beginning to sob in earnest.

He stood up and took a hesitant step towards her, unsure of whether she would let him be close to her. He had never seen her in such a state of devastation before and the fact that he alone had been the one to inflict this on her only deepened his own self-loathing. He crossed the few steps from the kitchen area to where she sat on her sofa and he sat down near her. He slowly, softly, placed his flesh hand at the crook of her elbow. She stiffened at his touch but made no move to push him away. "Mar, please don't cry," he nearly pleaded. He wrapped his metal arm around her and placed his hand on her back, coaxing her into his arms. She leaned into him and rested her forehead on his shoulder, hands balled up in his shirt. She let out a deep breath and then melted into him. Bucky was startled by her complete trust and surrender and he felt something inside of him soften. "I'm here, Mara. "

He held her for several minutes as she cried, her warm tears soaking his shirt and her breath coming in short gasps at times. He buried his nose in her hair - it smelled of the citrus shampoo she favored and the floral scent that was uniquely Mara. He ran his fingers through it as he rubbed her back - still soft and silky like he remembered. He felt her trembling gradually subside and then the sobs quieted too. She stayed in his arms and continued to sniffle softly. Cautiously, Bucky shifted and pressed a soft kiss to Mara's hair. She turned her face up towards him, her eyes rimmed with red and her eyelashes matted together from her tears. He still thought she was utterly beautiful, but Bucky needed to focus right now. He took her hands in his own and told her the truth.

"Wakanda was the first calm I'd had in nearly a century, the first time I could try and heal. I knew I was broken as a man in every way I could be. But you looked at me like I was nothing short of complete. I fell in love with you for it, and with your smile and your laugh, with how you would try and cook me American food, how you were happy to sit under the stars with me and say nothing at all. I think about all the good things that happened to me in Wakanda and all of them are tied up with you."

"Then why did you push me away after you came back?" Mara asked hoarsely. She was no longer angry with him, just confused and wanting to understand.

Bucky took a long breath before replying, "You only ever knew a version of me that wasn't in some kind of war. You met me as a one-armed rehab patient, and I was always afraid of you seeing the other side of me."

Mara went to cut him off, presumably to remind him that she knew about his past, but he placed his flesh fingers over her lips and he continued talking. "When they gave me the new arm and told me the fight was coming, I realized that the Winter Soldier is always going to be a part of me. Not everyone can do what I do, and there's always going to be a fight. I thought that after leaving you for five years I had put you through enough already. I think…I was afraid that you had moved on without me. I didn't know how to ask if you would have me back."

Tears again came to Mara's eyes and she shook her head, "James," she breathed his name like a prayer, "you deserve to be happy too. You always had the right to ask." She cupped his cheek in her hand, "you're a good man, James Bucky Barnes. I wish you would remember it more often."

It wasn't the first time Mara had told him this, and he doubted he would ever fully believe her, but each time she said it he felt a part of his broken heart glue itself back together. He would always be broken, yes, but Mara never seemed to mind putting the pieces back together.

Mara squeezed his metal hand lightly and drew his attention to her again. She let out a deep breath and moistened her lips. "I'm still hurt by what you did," she whispered. "But….are you going to stay?" She asked the question almost shyly and looked down. She absently started to rub at his shirt where she had soaked it with her tears.

He took his flesh hand and used it to gently turn her face back up to his. "Yes Mara, as long as you'll have me," he responded confidently, unashamed. He looked into her brown eyes and swore to himself, not for the first time, that he would become worthy of her love. "I'm staying."

A/N: Woowww, it's been a long time since I've written any fanfiction. I've had this idea in my head for a couple weeks about Bucky meeting someone while he is in Wakanda and how that relationship might be different from someone he met during his Winter Solider years. This story takes place after TFATWS and tries to explore more of the difficult feelings Bucky was having post-blip.