After the awards were over everyone couldn't wait to change and meet up with everyone else at the label afterparty. Of course Cal had arranged for Santana to get everyone into their event, after all she was one of their most successful new artists, and after these Grammy wins this party would be 90 percent networking and 10 percent the label humble bragging about Santana and Camille's success, even if some of that success was pure chance. It would be nice to have everyone together celebrating. She rarely got to see them these days, and she got to see Holly even less. She misses them. She misses spending real quality time with them.
But it was hard to feel sorry for herself, as the cameras flashed and she stood holding five Grammy's in her arms. Later, as she stood next to Camille who was holding her own three, they were each happy, but they also knew that this was work. Santana then took some photos with Brittany as Camille made her way into the label party. Santana and Brittany along with Sue followed shortly thereafter, and before they knew it Santana and Camille were working the room, accepting their praises and awaiting the moment when they would be called upon to perform.
Cal had made it easy for them. He knew that they each had other parties to attend, actually business opportunities more than celebrations, and Cal would try and attend each, since both Camille and Santana would be performing at those parties. Thankfully none were too far from one another, and so he'd make the rounds, and assess what was next.
He especially wanted to see two things...if Camille stayed on the straight and narrow as more people wanted access to her as she navigated these parties. She had been doing well with Roz as her manager and with Santana as her friend, but in the end it's up to Camille to manage any drug or alcohol use, and he wants to make sure that she stays well, especially now, as she and Santana make headway in the quests for half of an EGOT. They're off to an excellent start, but he's watching, because while he's not sure if Camille had an addiction, he knows that if she did that addictions don't just disappear.
And he wanted to go to Adele's afterparty with Santana for an entirely different reason. He knew she chose this invitation for a reason, and he knew that she was set to perform just as Camille would be performing at her second afterparty. He also knew that Santana loved a surprise up her sleeve, but that the label also liked to be notified of what was happening, and so Santana let them know that she'd be performing with her regular band and backup artists, and that Mercedes would be doing a duet with her...a medley of Adele songs.
They didn't have a problem with that.
And so Santana and Camille were introduced about 2 hours into the afterparty. They wanted to go on earlier but the label refused. They were their stars, their big winners. 17 total nominations... 9 for Santana and 8 for Camille. 3 for "Deeper", 2 of which they won. 5 total wins for Santana, 3 total wins for Camille. Sure, they had other artists, some whom had won quite a few Grammy's themselves that night, but these were their new artists, young and fresh and exciting, and no way were they going to let them perform early before everyone had a chance to show up, or to simply watch them perform and go to another party. Nope. And so the other parties would have to wait. Which for Santana wasn't ideal, because there was a lot riding on this performance.
Like Cal said, Santana loves her plans.
So Santana and Camille sang their songs...Santana started off with "Salacious" and Camille sang "Hard lessons" and then they sang "Deeper" and both were off to make the rounds. Camille was going to hit as many parties as she could, but she secretly hoped that she would end the night in time to see Santana perform. She didn't want to start to be seen as too closely tied to Santana, to be seen as the young artist following her around like a lost puppy, but she's not going to lie, she loves watching her perform. Santana comes alive. She's confident and sexy and most of all...she's talented. So while Camille has another party and another performance herself, she wishes instead she could be there to watch Santana perform.
Camille is trying hard to be respectful of their friendship, but it's not easy. If not for Santana and her constant precautions Camille would have gone to the Adele party hands down. Who doesn't love Adele? And Santana right now is her only friend She laughs everytime she thinks about that. She has 3 Grammys in her arm and no one to hold her. She hopes that changes soon.
When Santana hit Adele's party, with Sue, her background singers, Brittany, Lexi and Nani in tow...her own entourage... it was like Santana could feel a shift. Like those Grammys elevated her presence in a room. What a strange feeling. She doesn't hate it or love it, she just knows that if it ever disappears so may her career. Such a strange business...this music business.
Santana mingled, so happy that Sue was able to make sure that Lexi and Nani could get in. She always imagined Nani on this ride with her...never imagined a girlfriend for herself and certainly never one for Nani, and yet here they both were, happy for the first time in a really long time.
Santana was patient as she waited, waited for the meet and greets, waited for her turn on stage, as she spun the room for more than an hour. Finally, as she spoke to a pair of men she spoke the few words that she had waited all night to speak.
"Thank you. Most people don't know it but I grew up in the church myself." Santana smiled. "One of my best friends, Mercedes, and I sang in the youth choir together. She's my background singer now, and she still sings in that same church choir whenever she's back home. I've watched her bring that church to its knees too many times to count."
The men smiled, "Nothing like a good choir to make a Sunday service complete."
"Nothing like it at all. I miss those times. My cousin Nani and Mercedes' sister sang in the choir with us as well. I may not make it to church as much as Mercedes does but I surround myself with those people as often as possible. Lucky enough for me Mercedes agreed to tour with me. We're singing a duet together in a few minutes as a matter of fact so if you'll excuse me... It was a pleasure meeting you and chatting with you," Santana smiled, shaking the men's hands. Then she was off to meet her background singers and get ready to perform.
There was excitement and genuine applause when Santana reached the stage, two mics stood side by side, two others placed slightly to the back and to either side of the featured performers, making almost a triangle appearance on the stage. Everyone would be seen, and most importantly, everyone would be heard.
"Good evening! Thank you. Wanted to do something different to thank Adele for inviting us. I'm a huge fan and have enjoyed her music so much. Hopefully you'll enjoy us paying a little tribute to Adele and her music tonight."
The music started and Mercedes' voice broke through, perfect and strong. Santana wanted to smile. She loved this girl, these friends of hers, that shared that stage with her each night. She looked over and she saw the same 4 year old girl who sang with her in youth choir, always confident, always talented.
When Santana's turn to sing came the song transformed from "Rumor has it" to "Someone like You". The crowd loved it and Santana caught the smile that crossed Adele's face as she had made her way closer to the stage. The two worked their way through the song, all the ladies dressed in various black dresses, Sam in a black button down shirt and slacks, and when the music stopped the crowd clapped enthusiastically and whistled, and Santana felt like she had done what she had come to do, and she was ready to call it a night.
And within an hour that's exactly what she did. She networked a bit more, took a moment to introduce Mercedes to the two men she had been speaking to...two men from the gospel division of ANAM records. She figured that it might be a good idea. She had researched them well when they had offered her a contract and heard good things. She had spoken to Holly about them, and then she had heard, okay she had overheard at a party, that they were trying to put together a gospel duo and instantly Santana thought she knew who would be a perfect half of that duo.
And then she told no one, as she started to hatch a plan to get them to hear Mercedes sing. So when she found out that ANAM's biggest gospel artist would be at Adele's party, well she put two and two together that maybe an exec or two would be there, and maybe this artist who also produces was there to network with someone, and if that was true she was going to make sure that Mercedes had a chance to shine.
Santana let her group know that she was leaving and everyone decided to leave with her...all heading back to their rooms after the long, successful day. Santana felt great having so many of her family and friends in town but deep down she was getting excited about something else, and with Camille in town it made it that much more present.
Camille's words, the writings they shared, Santana had begun to set some of them to music and the night after the Grammys Santana had awakened to an email. The email contained a poem. A poem was not what she expected to find considering the headline of the email.
Saw your performance last night
and inside it said
Something to think about
And Santana read the words of the poem, and she did indeed think. She thought so much she wishes she had her piano, but her guitar would do. It didn't take long, not at all, because this pain, the yearning in those words, Santana has felt them before as well, she felt that familiar pain not so long ago, before a beautiful blonde came along and made it all go away.
Santana worked, at 4 am, and even as it awakened Brittany, who came to the sofa and kissed her softly, and then went and ordered them breakfast because Brittany knew now, knew what working looked like to Santana, and that something must have inspired her to pick up her guitar and play even though she had countless interviews that day.
Then Santana finally took a break and went to eat her breakfast, a little cold but it was okay. Brittany wordlessly stood as Santana went to put her guitar away and picked up her phone and quickly tapped something into it.
Let's compare schedules soon. Working on something I think could sound amazing.
Camille looked at the email and smiled. She hates how words from this woman instantly make her smile.
"Can't wait," she replied, and tried to push Santana out of her mind.
Brittany placed a plate in the microwave and then the next plate, and then the coffee. They ate peacefully together. Santana smiled up at Brittany as they ate, but Brittany could tell that she was deep in thought.
"New song?"
"Yes"
"Sounds like a hit"
"Gonna put it down soon. Hopefully you'll be able to drop by the studio when I do."
"You want me in the studio?"
"Just hoping you'll have a few minutes to drop by. You don't have to stay, but I think you dropping in could be very helpful to me."
"Then I'll make it happen"
"Great" Santana said, and then went to dig into her breakfast.
"What are you up to?" Brittany asked suspiciously after a few moments of silence.
"Breakfast?" Santana answered quizzically.
"No, this thing with the studio, the song choice last night at the Adele party. I'm starting to get how your mind works, and you're up to some musical shenanigans I can tell."
Santana smiled, "Musical shenanigans?"
"Yes. Musical shenanigans. Care to share any of them?"
"Only with you, doll."
"Okay, spill..." Brittany smiled.
"Okay, so last night was about trying to get Mercedes a solo opportunity."
"Really?" Brittany asked excitedly.
"Yeah but you can't say anything. Nobody knows. Okay maybe Sue and Cal suspect something, but nobody knows. I heard about a new gospel group ANAM records was trying to put together and then I heard certain people would be at the Adele party and so I sang something where Mercedes could do a duet with me. Everybody knows that I've been friends with Mercedes my entire life. Our grandparents were friends. We grew up running around church together. She's family to me, and she was a really good friend through all of my trials even though she and her family are very religious. I know...I know all of my friends are all so talented, and I know it looks like I'm singling her out or showing favor, but the people closest to us, they know the story between Mercedes and I."
"So I know that you've known Mercedes the longest. Have you known any of the others since you were a child?"
Santana smiled. "Since 4 years old? No. But I've known Quinn since I was about 17."
"Yeah? So did you meet her through singing as well?"
"Not exactly," Santana laughed, and then she just looked at Brittany and smiled.
"What? Did you ask her out or something?"
Santana laughed, "No. We could have been sisters," Santana smiled and paused. She always loved the reaction this information got. "I met her because Wolf used to date her mother."
"What?" Brittany asked, shocked.
Santana laughed, "Yeah, those cute sweaters and pearls? That's not Quinn's mom. Quinn's dad came from an upper middle class family. Quinn's mom was his walk on the wild side."
"Get out of here."
"Quinn's mom was Wolf's old lady for about a year and a half. This was right after all of that went down with Goldilocks..."
"Goldilocks?" Brittany asked quizzically.
Santana snickered, "that's what Nani and I began calling Andrea... Wolf's alleged stepkid who I ended up fingerbanging out of spite. You get it? Goldilocks, because somebody was sleeping in my bed."
Brittany laughed "The way you come up with these nicknames", Brittany shook her head.
"Hey, they just fit. Anyway, Quinn's mom...Jenna...she's seriously into the bike culture, and Wolf was her way of settling down because before Wolf she found herself mixed up with a one percenter..."
"What's a one percenter?"
"A member of an outlaw biker club. Name comes from the saying that 99 percent of riders are law abiding citizens. The outlaws are that other one percent."
"Understood"
"Yeah, so Jenna was crashing with Wolf, so I had another Goldilocks sleeping in my bed, and Wolf's solution was to get rid of my bed and get two twin beds instead," Santana chuckled. "I came over and he pulls me in the living room and he tells me, 'yeah Snixx, so sorry, Jenna and her kid needed a place to crash for a little while but it will only be a little while because she's leaving for college in a couple of months.' Me being the smart ass that I am I said 'I'm starting to like coming to see you these days. Maybe you're not a shitty dad after all. I can work with this one. Just don't tell mom what you're leaving out for me to eat these days.' I used to love saying the worst shit to him because he had no filter with me and no regard for my feelings and so I both resented being near him and also craved his love." Santana said and Brittany again felt the pain Santana had endured with Wolf.
"Then I went in the room to drop my bag and noticed my queen bed had been replaced with two twin beds and a nightstand in between as a safety net." Santana chuckled. " I was like 'where the hell is my bed, Wolf?' and he told me in storage with Jenna and Quinn's things until she moves out. So we spent that weekend together with me being a smart ass every chance I got and her taking it like a champ and dishing it right back. She wasn't bothered by me being openly gay. Wasn't shocked by the things that came out of my mouth. It's like she secretly understood me, and I guess that came from being a fish out of water with her own mom. Then she heard me singing in the shower and she decided to try and one up me and do the same. We even ended up doing a duet when she heard me singing and she began singing along in her sleep. It was actually pretty good, too. We gained a love/hate respect for one another that weekend."
"You've lived an interesting life, Santana," Brittany said, shaking her head.
"Yeah, so that's how I met Quinn, and when Holly's opened she hired me and some of the singers she hired weren't cutting it, so I told her about Mercedes and Quinn and Kurt who I had met performing at a Pride event. I met Rachel in college when I was studying music and I met Dave, Sam and Finn because they were dating Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel. And of course I met Sugar when I began working for Holly. And that's how our little family was born."
"That's sweet," Brittany smiled.
"But Mercedes, like I said, we truly grew up together. We sing together and something comes alive in both of us. And that voice, that voice is a gift...it's special, and if anyone was meant to sing praise it's Mercedes Jones. So if Cal and everyone else that listens to her sing with me haven't offered her a deal yet I'm going to give more people the opportunity to hear her sing. I know we're all not going to become famous doing this. I'm not even sure that they all want to. Like I don't think Quinn wants it long term, I think she's okay with what she's doing on the road with me. I could see Finn becoming a session musician. He's an awesome singer but he's a better musician, and he would be ecstatic about never having to dance on stage again. Kurt actually loves fashion and writing even though that voice of his is angelic. Now Rachel, Rachel is going to make it to Broadway even if she has to commit several crimes to do so. Singing background for me would have never worked because I would have had to punch her in the face nightly to keep her from trying to upstage me and as for Sam, I heard he was a better stripper than he is a singer. It may be his true calling."
"Sam was a stripper?"
"Why do you think I call him 'White Chocolate'? Do you think I'd call that man some kind of yummy confection unless there was a totally scandalous meaning behind it? Yes, sweet little Sammy used to do something strange for a little change."
Brittany laughed.
"Just watch him behind me on stage sometimes. Every now and then a body roll will fall out of his bag and I'll have to shoot him a look to put it back away."
Brittany smiled.
"Anyway, so that's what that duet was about last night. Giving Mercedes a little of the spotlight."
"And wanting me in the studio?"
"I can't just want you in the studio?"
"Sure, but again, it feels like there's a reason why you asked."
"Want to lay down something I have in mind for Camille. I'm not talking about singing on this one, just playing piano maybe. First time I'll be doing something like this. You can come by just for a few minutes just for a little support. Don't want you there the entire time, actually. An hour or less is all I need. Can you do that for me, doll?"
"Yes, of course I can."
"Thank you babe."
"Anything for you, Santana."
And then Santana was off. Hair, makeup, morning show, radio show, two more tv interviews, another radio show and then a plane back to New York.
And she guesses that's what happens when you win 5 Grammys, because it was more travel and interviews and it lasted the entire week, to the point where Santana barely knew what city she was waking up in, and sadly waking up alone because Brittany had to return to work. The same was happening for Camille, but they did make time to meet up for a video conference as they each settled into their hotel rooms one night.
"How have you been, doll?"
"Good"
"These parties, are they hard for you?"
"Sometimes, but Roz has been helping me. Maybe just a glass of champagne or something...just one."
"As long as it's not a problem for you."
"Roz is everywhere," Camille said and Santana laughed. "I know you get it."
"I certainly do."
"But it's in a good way. She's cool. A little crazy, but cool."
"Glad she's working out for you."
"And she's good at touching up my makeup, so she's really working out for me."
Santana laughed. That's great, doll. So listen. I loved the last poem you sent. I set it to music the moment you sent it to me. I didn't want to change the lyrics, those are your feelings, but I made a small change. I heard a melody in my head, and I heard how I want you to sing it, and I want to record this one, Camille."
"Really?" Camille asked hesitantly. Those words, those words had deep meaning for her right now.
"Really doll. Just for our ears, okay?"
"Ok."
"I think you'll find it cathartic to get it out. To sing the words from your soul. It seems like you're sorting things out, and singing is what we do. I want you to sing it from your soul. I'm gonna play it for you..."
"Do you have your keyboard?"
"I do"
"Can you just sing it for me, Santana?"
"You want me to sing it live?"
"Yes"
"Okay, ummmm, let me take this into the bedroom and set up. Don't want to do it in the sitting room and risk anyone hearing it through the door. Give me about 10 minutes to set up."
"Okay"
Santana didn't know why, but if Camille needed to hear it this way she'd present it to her this way. She promised her this would be therapeutic, and this is her story she's telling. She deserves to feel it however she needs to feel it to get through it.
Camille just needed to hear Santana sing it to her. They've done a lot of writing, with Santana tinkering on the piano or strumming her guitar as Camille read the words, soothing her with music, but never has Santana taken the time to actually turn any of those writings into a song. This must have spoken to her.
Camille thought that it might, which was why she was hesitant about sharing it.
Santana went into the bedroom, set her keyboard on the desk, came back and grabbed her laptop and set it up on the desk. Once she adjusted the office chair and made herself comfortable she returned her attention back to Camille.
"Okay doll, say when."
"When," Camille said with a smile.
"Okay then," Santana said. She opened up the lyrics just in case but she knew them now, had sung them over and over as she fleshed out the melody, as she added cord progressions, and made this piece whole.
Camille watched intently, the way Santana always gets lost in the music. The way she closes her eyes, furrows her brow, the way her throat moves. She was beautiful. She was so beautiful that sometimes it hurt to even look at her, like looking directly at the sun. Like now, as she sang these words.
When she finished Camille smiled softly and then applauded.
"Wow"
"You like it?"
"Santana I love it. You wrote that music right after I sent this to you?"
"Just the bones, doll. Took me a few days to make it sound like this. I think it's ready."
"I think so too, Santana."
"So when can we get together? Holly is doing the Oscar nominations at the club again. Don't know what your schedule looks like but if you can make it then afterwards if you can stay an extra day or two I can book some studio time."
"Sounds good"
"The problem is where can I do this that the label won't catch wind of this."
"We can rent somewhere."
"Not where I trust that the word won't get out. Don't worry, I'll ask Holly. There's something else I wanted to put down in a studio as well, so it will be nice to find a place to work privately until I find a more permanent solution to that sort of problem."
"What about an engineer and a producer?"
"I can use someone from Holly's tech team as an engineer if I must and you're looking at your producer."
Camille smiled.
"Actually you're looking at both if I have enough time to get used to the equipment. I've been learning a little about that because I've been thinking about investing in a home studio, that's whenever I finally invest in a home."
"That sounds great. With as much as you write a studio is a sound investment."
"Actually I've only been writing this much the past two years. I didn't have the confidence to play, to write, to do anything other than perform other people's music...music that already has been proven to make people happy. If you do that well you can't lose. You'll make money performing at parties and events and if you're lucky like we were you'll get to sing the star spangled banner at sporting events on the way to the top," Santana said and Camille laughed knowingly.
"Well because of "Deeper" we didn't have to do too much of that."
"Thank goodness. Not my favorite song to sing. People always try and do too much with that song which in turn makes people expect you to be extra or you actually aren't doing enough for them. Ay Dios Mio."
"I love the way you sing it," Camille smiled.
"Because I just sing it. I don't try and turn it into a pop song, or the blues, or your favorite r&b jam. I sing it and let those people sit down, enjoy their beers and yell at those insanely rich players and tell them how much they suck while cheering them on at the same time, and they appreciate me for it."
Camille laughed, "I've never looked into a crowd of people wishing I'd stop singing so badly. They smile and try and look patriotic but there's always that one person who is trying to slowly stand because they don't want to actually get up and they look angry at you when they actually stand and you've only made it to the 'yet wave' part," Camille sang and Santana laughed.
"So anyway, I'll make sure everything is ready to go. You just show up with that beautiful voice of yours ready to go."
Camille smiled.
"By the way, you sound really good these days. Keep doing what you're doing."
Camille beamed, then sighed deeply.
"What's up Camille?"
"Your smile is just perfect. You're beautiful Santana."
Santana smiled warmly, "Thanks doll. Listen, let me ask you something."
"Okay"
"Do you have any way to unwind, aside from this? People you can just kick back with and be yourself...be who you were before "Deeper" ever happened?"
"Honestly, just when I'm around you, alone or with your friends. Roz and I go to dinner and stuff when I'm on the road."
"You don't have friends you grew up with, someone you can reach out to from your past that you can trust?"
"My mom spent so much time turning me into a pop star that hanging out with friends was never something I had a lot of time for."
"I'm sorry..."
"Me too."
"I know in this business it's hard to work on that now, because we never know the motives of others, but there are people in this business in the same situation...alone and afraid to trust, and again, maybe get into therapy. Learn to spread your wings and to trust your instincts. Learn to fly Camille."
"I am, Santana."
"I'm your friend, Camille. I want you to know that. You're not some girl I feel sorry for and hang out with so I can get an Oscar. You're my friend and I mean that. You made a friend. So that should tell you that you can do it. You know how to do it. You have the right instincts. You're a good person surrounding yourself with good people. Don't let your missteps earlier define you. Be bold enough to learn from them. I want you to know something. I enjoy this time, creating with you. It's not just for you. I enjoy your company. I enjoy being with people who love music like I do, who need music like I do. I enjoy trying new stuff around someone where it's okay that I'm not the best pianist or guitar player and I can make a mistake and have it not stick out like a sore thumb. And I wrote the music to that song so quickly because your words touched me so deeply. They inspired me. They told me a story I could relate to. I'm proud of you Camille. You bounced back from some tough shit. You saw yourself spiraling and you made some real tough decisions. You stepped back from your family, from a manager you've had practically your entire life, and you started living as an adult. I'm truly so proud to call myself your friend, Camille."
Camille melted inside.
"Thank you Santana. I'm your friend too, your real friend, and you can depend on my friendship."
"I know it, doll. Now enough of this feelings shit, let's get to work." Santana said with a wink.
Camille laughed, as they worked out their schedules to see when they might possibly be able to come up with some dates they could run past Sue and Roz where they might be able to meet up. It wouldn't be easy, and it would be even harder to keep music this good to themselves.
Time flew by, and before they knew it the Oscars were upon them. This wasn't a music night, but their song, the song that they would be performing, was the biggest track on the biggest movie soundtrack of the year. Santana may not be as proud of this award, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't want it. She wants it, and then she wants it again one day...her way.
Santana got her two tickets and requested her two more, and just like last time Camille came through with her additional two for Santana, and so Santana invited Brittany, her mom, Nani, abuela and her aunt Gladys. She's hoping some magic can be worked again so she can invite Wolf and Lexi especially.
Santana tries to give Lexi and Nani as many opportunities together as she possibly can. She wants to support their love, and she wants them to always know that she does.
She also strangely liked having Sue around. It was like having her own Secret Service agent. She protected her, she was good for her paranoid nature. Not that she thought that anything would happen at the Oscars, but the woman had become a fence around her. It felt like people knew not to try the shit they did with Camille as long as she was around, and she was thankful for that. In turn, she liked for her to be in that crowd, to belong, because to Santana she belongs. The industry needs more managers like her, and Santana gave her an insane Christmas bonus just to let her know how much both she and Will mean to her.
And like magic, like always, her team came up with two more tickets, and they understood who those tickets belonged to. Sue was still Sue, though, and Santana would not be surprised if she found her way in.
She did. She and Cal attended together. Cal knew that this was Santana's fairy tale, and he worked his ass off to reward her for her hard work by at least trying to get her family in to see her when she received her first major awards. He also was happy for the way that Sue protected his investment, and so it was her reward also.
And so once again they were spread throughout the crowd, but they were present. Present to see Santana and Camille in their gowns, an orchestra behind them, singing at the Oscars.
Santana walked the red carpet with Brittany and she looked like a Hollywood starlet. They both did, as did Camille, who had walked the carpet right before the couple. And then, after a few pictures with Brittany and then alone, Santana and Camille posed, posed for the pictures that would surely run in the papers the next day should they win. These two young phenoms and this song the set their paths ablaze.
And before they knew it, it was time.
"Ladies and gentlemen, performing "Deeper than I love yous" from the Oscar nominated film "Declarations of Love...Camille Nelson and Santana Lopez"
The crowd applauded as the lights came up, a full orchestra with Santana stage left in a black gown and Camille stage right in her white gown. As the light focused just a bit brighter on Camille, she sang her opening notes.
Camille looked comfortable. More comfortable than she had in a very long time. It was the first thing that Cal noticed. She seemed to be finding peace, and he knew that she was finding that peace in Santana. The way she looked over knowing that she would be there. He's known Camille for a long time. He worked with her for years getting her ready, and it's strange that the last piece that he always felt was missing she's finally found once she found Santana. She's coming into her own, slowly. She's becoming a woman, and he knows that she has the feelings of a woman. He thinks that she has those feelings for Santana. Santana calms her. He hopes that she finds someone of her own to love before that effect wears off since he doesn't believe that Camille and Santana will ever be. Santana just doesn't seem to see her that way, and even if she did, Santana has Brittany now, and Brittany inspires Santana's artistry, and so that works in his favor as well.
Still, this is how he needs her to sing this song tonight, like a woman in love, in the deepest love she's ever felt. She's singing to the crowd, but he knows she's really singing to Santana, even though she isn't even facing her. Camille made it to this night sober, in part due to Santana, and she's singing like she wants to let her know that she would do anything for her. She's singing like this woman is the love of her young life, even if that love isn't romantic for Santana. She's taking the parts of her that she has and claiming them as her own. She's loving her this night, loving her by giving her the one gift she can give her that she knows she wants...an Oscar.
But Cal looked around the crowd and they were eating it up, transfixed. And Santana, as always Santana was ready, and when the dim light brightened on her she emoted as she always does. That voice, like satin on warm skin, her facial expressions, made it easy to believe that she was singing to you, singing her heart to you personally. This is how she must look, warm, right out of bed after a long night. This is how she looks when she sings her I love yous to the person she loves, and right now she's looking at you that way, forehead creased and breathy vocals passing by full lips, and Cal knows everyone in the audience tonight feels it. They remember when they felt love that way, and if they never have, like Camille, when Santana sings they wish for that feeling even more.
Santana was performing her heart out, selling wisdom and love and pain and a plethora of emotions...taking the listeners on a journey. Camille came back with that soft innocence, asking the listener to love her, and to take her love in return. These women, the hundreds of times they've sung this song, it all culminated in this moment, and by the end it felt as if there would be such a great injustice in the world if they didn't leave that stage with an Oscar in hand that night.
The distinguished crowd hung on every note, and loved every moment of it. Afterwards Cal clapped but he wanted to yell, yell like Zendaya did in the end of "Challengers", because he knows that this is the best these two have ever sung this song.
At the end the crowd applauded loudly and Santana and Camille smiled warmly at one another before exiting the stage. Once backstage they were expected to go change, but instead they both felt the need to make their way to one another. Once they saw one another they embraced warmly.
"You were amazing!" Santana said
"So were you," Camille smiled proudly.
"We have to get in that studio soon, Camille. We have to while the music is moving us like this."
"Okay"
"Soon Camille, this is just the beginning."
"I promise, Santana."
"Great, now we better change before Sue and Roz come hunting us down."
"You know they will," Camille said and Santana laughed.
The set, the lighting, the orchestra, all set the tone for this prestigious moment, and anticipation was up amongst Camille and Santana's supporters as they awaited the "Best Original Song" category. As much as Cal wanted to give Santana quick access to her family he sat with Sue, Roz and Camille, because he needed to be a part of this celebration. These were his girls, his vision, and he knows they will be his greatest success so far. This was his moment, too. Before he knew it all of the nominated songs had been performed that night, and after the last performance the nominees were read.
"...and the winner is...'Deeper than I love yous'..."
It's the last thing Santana heard. She sat stunned, and her family were on their feet, and Cal was sweeping Camille up into a hug as were Roz and Sue but Santana still didn't move, not until she felt her mother pull her to her feet and into her arms, and then Brittany and then her aunt and her abuela. Somewhere in the distance she heard a howl and knew that Wolf could care less that this was the Oscars and then she snapped out of it and she looked. She looked for him like she always did. She found Nani standing clapping loudly in the aisle and she did something unexpected and she made her way up instead of down...made her way up a couple of aisles as the usher tried to gently show her the way down but then Wolf appeared because he was going to hug his daughter. As the other writers and Camille began to make their way to the stage it bought her some time as Santana found Nani first and held her, thanked her, because she was still Santana's rock. Then Wolf grabbed her and squeezed her so tight that she had to pat him on the back to remind him that she had to go on stage. After a quick hug from Lexi she briskly fell in line at the bottom of the stairs as everyone made their way up to the stage. The writers of the song went to the podium as Camille hung back waiting, waiting for Santana to climb the steps. As one of the writers held out his arm to escort Santana up the stairs she looked up at Camille and smiled, and everything felt perfect, at least for a moment.
As the people who created the song gave their speeches one took the time to thank Santana and Camille for singing it like no one else could have, and Camille nearly lost herself and reached for Santana's hand again to squeeze it, only this time not because of a crush but because she couldn't believe this moment, this beautiful moment that might have never happened if Santana hadn't guided her back to her sanity through music, if Santana hadn't reminded her of the one that that always loved her back.
Santana and Camille said a few words, more of gratitude to the people who really wrote that amazing song and allowed them to change a thing or two and share in this credit but they kept it short, because they each know that their victory really lies in the way they sung it, in the way they brought it to life, and not in the way it was created.
Afterwards the label promised them each a couple of days off, of course after more press, more interviews, more of the publicists working overtime to keep the interest on their dynamic duo. More of their agents booking them more performances. More of their labels wanting more success, and it's okay. It's okay because they both want more too, they just need to find the time to have it.
And Santana made sure that they did. She got Holly to recommend a studio and began hanging around recording studios at the label more often, grabbing up all of the knowledge from the engineers that she could. Many of them thought nothing of it, Santana had always been interested in all aspects of the recording process. She had promised from the beginning she would soak up as much knowledge as she could. She had even messed around with engineering in college...
...well she messed around with an engineer.
Close enough.
But Cal had a feeling that this was all for a reason and so he asked, and she had simply told him that she was going house shopping with Brittany and that house would have both a recording studio, and a dance studio. It would likely have a stripper pole as well but Santana hasn't really sprung that on Brittany yet.
But she will...
Anywho...Santana was ready to get herself in the studio, but this house dream...it also needed to come true soon. Santana's life had changed, and her postponing spending any money or buying a new home was her way of pushing back against some of that change. Sure, people sing in part to get rich...she likes that part. She just doesn't like that rich means that you can't stay in your old home because of privacy or security issues. As secure as her place is...it was never meant to keep fans and paparazzi out, just to deter average criminals, and so her living there is beginning to cause some disruption. Sure, nobody complains, but it's really not the doorman's job to stop fans who want to deliver gifts to Santana's door even when she's not at home. So Santana had officially entered "gated community" territory, or at the very least a home with some good gates and great security. She has to get music out of her head long enough to go house shopping with Brittany. She wants to have a place in the city, close to her family and friends, close to Nani, who she missed while she lived in Philly. She may also want a place just outside of the city, a bigger place, a home where she would raise her future children.
So Santana retained a real estate agent to help her find hopefully an apartment in the city and maybe a house as well. Then she got her dates together with Camille so they could get into the recording studio.
On the day they were to record Santana got to the studio early. She had booked the entire day, so she would have time to play around with some of the things that she has been working on and so she would have time to record Brittany's song in a proper studio. She woke early and Brittany prepared her breakfast, which they shared before Brittany left for work. Then Santana dressed and got on her bike which she hadn't had the chance to ride in months. She had asked Brittany to stop by during lunch, and so Brittany decided to simply leave work early that day in case traffic was an issue or Santana needed her a little while longer. She didn't quite understand why she was needed there, but Santana needed her, and that's all Brittany would ever need to know in order to be there.
Camille arrived to find Santana sitting at the boards listening to a track that Santana hopes will make the cut for her next project. Camille smiled brightly and Santana smiled warmly in return, motioning for her to come in. The two women greeted one another and Camille took a seat on the small sofa as she waited for Santana to finish working on a section of the song. She loved to watch her work. She loved to watch her do anything, but this love of music they share...Camille loves that. She loves the music she makes, and the music she helps her make.
Santana finally turned the music off and pushed her chair back, smiling again at Camille.
"You look good Camille. You look happy. How are things, doll?"
Camille loved the way that Santana always asked that first. How was she. Forget music and awards and everything else. She always wanted to know that Camille was doing well first and foremost. She really was a true friend. Camille doesn't know if she's ever had one before, but she knows that she has one now, and it feels amazing.
"I am good Santana. You look good too."
"Thanks, doll. So you ready to sing for me babygirl?"
"I can sing for you." Camille smiled.
"Excellent. So I'd love if we could listen to it again, together, and I don't want you to sing it exactly like I sung it here. I want you to feel it, and to sing it your way. I know this is special for you, to sing your own words, to write your own song, so I want you to put your own spin on it. This is you Camille, everything inside of you, set to music. It's intimate, so get intimate with it, doll."
"Okay Santana" Camille blushed. She hates this school girl crush, this desire to do grown woman things to Santana no matter how innocent most of the world sees her. Santana is the first person who has asked her to tap into that with her music. This is her. This is who she is becoming, even if the label and maybe even the world doesn't want to see that.
"So get in the booth and warm up that beautiful voice of yours. Meanwhile I'll get things set up out here and just let me know when you're ready."
Camille did as Santana said and soon she was signaling to her that she was ready. Camille began singing and it was great, but it wasn't exactly what she wanted. She knew that Camille had more. She knew that she felt more.
The second take was better. Santana had given her some pointers and she had taken heed, but Santana was going to keep trying for that perfect take. She told Camille to take a break while she listened back to some things, and it was then that she had gotten a text from Brittany that she was only a short distance away.
"Ready for one more run through?"
"Any part in particular?"
"We're going to take it from the top."
"Okay," Camille responded, putting on her headset.
Just then a text came in that Brittany was downstairs, and Santana called down and told security to allow her upstairs. Camille was singing and Brittany instantly found Santana and Camille watched as she softened when her lover was near. She watched as Santana's attention turned to Brittany, and she stood and pulled her in close and kissed her and then Brittany briefly looked Camille's way and waved and smiled happily. Camille nodded her head in acknowledgement but she didn't wave back. She didn't smile. She sang the words, the words that pierced her heart more than they ever had right in that moment.
So I don't want to hear your love songs
I can't take your soft, soulful eyes
I can't be next to you
Your brown eyes make me feel blue
but inside I need you
you always get me through
so why can't you see me
the same way that I see you.
I love when you talk to me
your voice just sets me free
so what am I going to do
if I can't be next to you
Camille sang those words with conviction, strong, as if she were finally exorcising a demon. As if she were for the first time ever telling her truth. Camille is singing her heart out, and tears sprung to her eyes.
so baby please set me free
I know we can never be
I just don't know what to do
if I can't make love to you
I know that will never be
because that's just not how you love me
your friendship will have to do
cause that's all I can have of you
Brittany sat quietly and watched the pair, Camille's eyes locked with Santana's, and Santana dared not turn away. Finally, Brittany dared to move closer to Santana and speak.
"Santana...that song is about you!"
"I know Britt," she sighs, her eyes still locked with Camille as she sings her song.
"Maybe I should leave..."
"No baby stay, let her let it out. This is her pain. Let her face it and deal with it. It has to be done."
Seeing them together was tearing Camille apart. She would never try anything inappropriate. Santana has done a lot for her, and Brittany has always been nice to her, and let's face it...they're in love. She would never want to stand in the way of true love, and she can tell this is true. That time that she touched Santana's hand, she doesn't even know why she did it. She just needed to touch her, to feel someone after watching her sing that song that way once again. She can't understand it, why she can't shake these feelings. She knows it's all fantasy, but Santana is the only person that makes her feel real.
It wasn't fear, even if everyone thought that it was. It wasn't fear that froze her at that video shoot. It was her. It was her, looking beautiful and singing that song. It was always her.
Camille doesn't think she likes girls, not like that, not really. What do you call a person that falls in love with a person's spirit...their energy? Maybe that's what she is, whatever that word is, because she's been with girls, quite a few now, looking for one who makes her feel like she feels when Santana nurtures her. She hasn't found it yet. Maybe it's because she's not looking for a woman, or a man, she's just looking for a soul that reaches hers.
The two women remained with their eyes locked and Santana let her sing, finally let her sing to her like she's always wanted to. At the end neither of them spoke for a moment. They remained, eyes locked, having a silent conversation, Brittany present but in that moment in the background as these two women stayed, eyes locked and souls engaged in a private conversation that Santana was forcing Camille to have publicly once and for all.
"I love you," those eyes said softly to Santana.
"I know, and I'm sorry," Santana's brown eyes answered apologetically. She watched the young girl...the young woman...decompress, before deciding that all was said that needed to be said.
"That's it Camille. You've got it. That's the way you sing this song every time from now on."
"Each an every time, Santana..." was all Camille said before exiting the booth and walking out the door to take a moment for herself.
Brittany looked at Santana who oddly looked like she wanted to cry herself. The two sat silently for a moment before Brittany spoke.
"This is why you brought me here?"
"Yes"
"For a song?"
"No," Santana answered, almost insulted. She wouldn't pull a stunt like this just to get Camille to sing her heart out. There are other ways to get an amazing finished product.
"Then what?"
"She's gotta learn to let the other feelings go, and to trust our friendship. I don't want her doing things because she has this big crush on me, because if that crush ever gets to the point that it will break her heart I don't want it to break her soul as well. She's gotta let me be all I'll ever be to her. She's gotta move on from me in that way."
"But the timing Santana, just after you got what the label wanted from her, your awards..."
"The timing had nothing to do with the awards. The timing was because she finally sent me those words. She finally came out and shared her heart...her thoughts with me. She needed to let it out, and I needed to give those feelings a proper home, and you needed to be here to make sure she felt it to her core, and sang it from her soul, because she's learning to give the music her pain, and to trust that it can help her deal with it."
"I should go before she comes back, if she comes back."
"She will be back. She needs a minute, and then you can say your hellos and goodbyes and leave if you like. If you leave before she does she may think you're angry. Stay, and give her the gift of understanding. It wasn't so long ago that we both yearned for someone to love this way, and for someone to love us back."
Camille came back and Brittany smiled at her softly.
"Hey Camille. You sounded amazing."
"Thank you," Camille answered sheepishly. "Sorry, needed a restroom break. This one is very serious when it comes to her musical projects, but I don't have to tell you that," Camille said before making her way closer to Brittany, who stood, and hugged the young woman. It wasn't just in Brittany's mind that Camille maybe hugged her a little tighter than usual.
The girl just needed someone to hold after that.
"Well it was great seeing you. I just dropped by to say hello but I need to get back to work myself," Brittany lied. "Let me let you two get back to it."
"Okay Brittany, hope to see you again soon."
"I hope so too, Camille. Make sure to take care of yourself."
"If I don't nobody else will," Camille said solemnly.
Brittany shook her head in understanding and squeezed Camille's hand before walking over to Santana who stood from her chair and hugged Brittany and kissed her softly. Camille looked away, about to walk back into the booth.
"No Camille," Santana said, stopping her in her tracks. "Stay and take a break. Have a seat, doll."
"Okay"
"See you at home, honey." Santana said, turning her attention back to Brittany.
"I'll be there when you get there," Brittany said, smiling into Santana's eyes.
Santana watched the blonde leave before sitting and turning her attention back to Camille.
"You sounded good."
"Thanks"
"How'd it feel?"
"How'd what feel?"
"How did it feel to leave your all in the booth?"
"I always leave my all in the booth."
"Fair enough, but those are someone else's feeling, someone else's thoughts. These were yours. How did it feel?"
"It's just a song."
"Is it? Because I thought you were writing your feelings down. Your feelings..."
"Is that why you changed the last line of the song? Because you know who those feelings are about?"
"I don't know shit unless you tell me, Camille. Do I have my suspicions...sure. Did I change the last line based on those suspicions, yes."
"Why did you change it, if nobody is ever going to hear this but you and I...and Brittany?" Camille asked, her expression unreadable to Santana. This conversation, this is the boldest Camille has ever been with her.
"Just in case...and then they draw conclusions..."
"Right...like you did?"
"Yeah, maybe like I did"
"Did Brittany?"
"Did Brittany what?"
"Draw her own conclusions..."
"I can't speak for her..."
"But she's smart, observant, wouldn't you say?"
"I would.."
"And so maybe she drew the same conclusions that you did."
"Maybe"
"And maybe she wouldn't be wrong."
"Then that would mean that I wasn't wrong" Santana said, searching Camille's eyes.
"You know you're not wrong," Camille said with conviction.
"Listen, I'm sorry if Brittany being here broke our confidentiality. She has no idea that you wrote those words, but I can't say that she won't draw her own conclusions."
"It's okay Santana. I don't care if she does. She knows. You know. There are people who know how I feel about you, because it's not easy for me to hide. The mask I wear in public, it's easy to keep that on, to sell the fantasy that I'm the purest of virgins singing about the sweetest of loves to the most noble of boys but everyone behind the scenes knows that isn't true and one day I'll be allowed to take that mask off. You speak to me about therapy, just wanted you to know that I've had three sessions now, and I'm kind of getting into it. That's why I shared that poem with you. I didn't just write that. That was the first thing I wrote when you asked me to start writing down my feelings, I just knew if I shared that with you I'd be laying it all on the line. I'm not trying to complicate your life Santana, and I feared that reading that would make you think that I was."
"I didn't think that you were trying to complicate my life. So what was this about, then?
"I had to speak it out loud to let it go. Santana, you and Brittany are such a sweet couple. You two make me believe in love. Do I wish I had that with you instead of her? Sure, but it's not a toxic jealousy just a human emotion that I want what you two have. I believe that you two were made for each other. You weren't made for me but I know that someone was, and I hope I find them soon, but what therapy is teaching me, and maybe what you are teaching me too, is to find what I need for myself within myself. So I'm working on that, and I'm working on firmly friend zoning myself with you and not romanticizing this wonderful friendship and turning it into something that I want that's simply a fantasy, and not recognizing it and respecting it as something that I also need for what it actually is to me, and that you've been kind enough to give me one of the things I really need."
"I appreciate your maturity about this, Camille..."
"I'm working on it Santana, but I need one thing from you."
"What's that?"
"I need to get in that booth and sing that song one last time...like I wrote it...and how I need to sing it."
"You want me to record it?"
"I'll leave that up to you. One take, one chance to let my feelings out. This is therapeutic, remember?"
"I remember..."
"So let me say what I really felt, and then I can continue moving forward."
"Sounds reasonable."
"Okay then," Camille said standing, and then going into the booth. Santana sat for a moment as Camille put her headset on. They locked eyes for a moment before Santana reached for the board.
She felt the need to record this.
The music started and Santana leaned back in her seat and prepared herself to listen to what Camille had to say to her. With the intensity in Camille's eyes Santana knew that she would have no problem saying it exactly how she meant it.
Their eyes never left one another, as Camille stepped to the mic. She really was a beautiful girl, Santana thought, but even if she didn't have Brittany the age difference would have been a challenge for Santana. Still, this was the first time Camille looked sexy to her. There was something about the way she stepped to the mic, her hair slightly askew in the dark booth and the way she looked at Santana, wanting, and willing to tell her just how much she wanted her.
Santana leaned back in the chair and watched like she would watch a woman undress for her, and she realized that's exactly what Camille was doing. She was stripping herself down for Santana, bare, and Santana always found it sexy when a woman did that...even if she kept her clothes on.
Santana sat there, tight black jeans and a tainted angels t shirt, hair curly and messy down her shoulders. She sat lazily in the chair, slouching down just a little, one leg stretched out, one pulled neatly in, foot flat on the floor, and she watched this woman love her from afar.
And Camille sang, soft...sensual...passionate...pleading...yearning...and in some instances...angry.
So I don't want to hear your love songs
I can't take your soft, soulful eyes
I can't be next to you,
Your brown eyes make me feel blue
Santana let the words sink in. She listened to that voice, strong and perfect and clear, and she watched as the tears finally fell from Camille's eyes.
so baby please set me free
I know we can never be
I just don't know what to do
if I can't make love to you
I know that will never be
because that's just not how you love me
your friendship will have to do
cause that's all I can have of you
And then she sang the final line...the line that might potentially tell the world that this was about 3 very real people. Three people who have been seen publicly together more and more often during awards season.
I'll never be with you
'cause your brown eyes only see blue
Those blue eyes, the blue eyes that Santana fell into and will never find her way out. Her eyes only see Brittany, and Camille knows it. The rest of the world knows it too, as they walk red carpet after red carpet, and each picture shows that no matter how big the room is, when those two are together they are the only ones there.
And when the music ended they both stay still, tears streaming down Camille's face and Santana understanding...truly understanding...that in some strange way she was this woman's first love. She was all Camille needed for a time, and now she understands that she has to let her go.
They have to let one another go.
No more of the label asking Santana to step outside her boundaries and to get involved in this girl's life. She'll still be there, but only as a real friend and without anyone guiding that friendship. This song is Camille asking for boundaries and being clear on what they have to be.
And this moment was Santana seeing her as a woman, a fully grown woman, whose heart she had broken unintentionally, but that she had also helped to intentionally put back together.
It was when Camille wiped the tears away and offered Santana a soft smile that Santana dared to move and stop the recording. Santana watched Camille's moves carefully as she entered the room and stood over her. Santana stood and wrapped her arms around the woman, briefly, innocently, sealing their relationship as friends forever, and never anything more.
Friendship is enough.
Santana and Camille continued to write, and a few weeks later they met up again to record some more. This time they put down four tracks, and there seemed to be a new ease between them. Camille is less tongue tied around Santana. She's starting to feel more like an artist. Santana is still her biggest mentor, but her feelings for the woman are finding their place.
She still thinks she's smokin' hot, though.
And Santana and Brittany managed to find the time to find an apartment. Not the house that she had in mind, but an apartment that kept her in Manhattan, close to her family, and close to Brittany's work, which honestly Santana wishes she would stop doing.
The same goes for her mom, and even her aunt Gladys, but none of them will accept anything from her. Brittany did accept a car from Santana. Santana convinced her to do so. She told her that she can never respect herself if she ever buys a car, and so just in case they need one it had to be in Brittany's name. It made Brittany laugh, and then she went car shopping.
And so Santana sent Brittany car shopping with Nani and Lexi, and she told them to maybe consider getting themselves something as well...her treat. Nani told her she just can't go around buying people cars for no reason and Santana sighed. She needs to do something for the people that she loves, but none of them will let her.
Still, Santana wanted someone there for Brittany to have fun with, and who is more fun than Nani and Lexi, aside from Santana herself? Santana just had one request, don't come home in something she wouldn't be seen riding in. That means no Teslas because she hates Elon Musk and especially no cyber trucks because she said they look like industrial ice makers so even if they weren't manufactured by Tesla she refuses to ride around town in a kitchen appliance. She knew Nani would back her on all of that, and so she felt safe to let them go.
And so Brittany chose a Toyota land cruiser, and with the purchase of her three bedroom apartment on Central Park west Santana finally spent some of the money she had been earning...
...and then immediately secretly hyperventilated. She wasn't used to this, writing these big checks, but she's not upset. She's finally reminding herself that she's not a waitress anymore. She's not the girl whose girlfriend believed could only make it if she fucked someone on the internet. She has 5 Grammys, an Oscar, AMA's,and countless other awards from a number of various countries. She's had number one songs and now she has an apartment she bought with her own money, a car, a hog and a crotch rocket. She has it and she's going to keep it and build upon it.
And she's going to take care of her family and buy them nice things and take them nice places. She's going to continue to make money for the Angels and she's even going to do something for Wolf eventually. She's going to take care of Holly's and her friends. She's going to give to charity and do good things with her celebrity. She's going to help Stan and help Brittany reunite with her family. She's going jewelry shopping and she's going to ask the woman she loves the most important question she can think to ask her. But first...she's going to get closure.
It's time to make peace with her grandmother's memory.