Security

It is hard not to resent my father.

Just when I thought he was doing better, he turned around and used again. I could have dealt with his relapse had it been heroin, had he simply talked to me, but he had been lying to my face for years. There was no more sadness left in me, just emotional exhaustion.

Jace thumped into the car bench beside me with a sigh and started driving to my apartment. "I'm sorry, princess."

"It's not your fault." I gave a weak smile. In all honesty, I was glad that Jace stayed with me tonight. There's no telling what would have happened without him or how long the truth about the bath salts would have stayed hidden. Not to mention he shielded me from flying furniture. "Are you okay? He got you good with that lamp."

"Yeah," he shrugged with a smirk. "I've been hit with worse."

"Ex-girlfriends, I assume?"

"Sometimes. But mostly when I'd get into fights at the orphanage or in school. I was hit with another kid once, that was unexpected."

"Like, another child used a child to hit you?"

"Oh, yeah. This big motherfucker grabbed a much smaller kid by the ankles and basically used him like a baseball bat square into my chest." Even though it seemed like a bad childhood experience, he still held an amused smile as he reminisced. Seeing Jace give a genuine smile always sparked my own joy, especially since he had been such a hardass when we first met.

I tucked my knees to my chest, hummed a laugh, and recounted my own childhood memories with bullying. "When I was a kid, I was pushed down the skatepark bowl at Marion Square by this asshole teenager and smacked my face on the concrete."

He paused. "Marion Square?"

"Yeah," I picked at the loose fibers of my sleep shorts. "Simon and I used to go there pretty often as kids. I only laugh now because Simon defended my honor and humbled the guy with a skateboard to the face."

"It must've been hard for you to see one of our victims at the bottom of the same bowl." I wasn't certain, but the way he voiced that sentiment didn't sound sympathetic—instead it was more calculating, as if he was thinking deeper.

I shrugged. "It's pretty much the only skatepark in Salem, so something bad was bound to happen there at some point. Especially with the constant fights between kids and teens." He chewed the inside of his cheek in thought while he drove, letting me zone out to the sight of passing buildings with bright neon signs.

Thoughts began seeping onto the blank screen of my mind. My dad has had me worried for three continuous years, and it pained me to even think about the fact that I was tired of it. The thought felt so selfish, as he had dealt with all of my issues growing up and learned how to adapt to a daughter with neurodiversity, yet another part of myself scolded me for feeling guilty. Like Jace said, I shouldn't have to protect myself against my father, I shouldn't have to deal with being punched, kicked, strangled, or the target of a flying lamp.

All of my energy for the past three years had gone to his recovery, but he took that energy and crushed it into a fine dust with each light of his spoon.

As if my thoughts weren't self pitying enough, my best friend took the forefront of my musing. I wasn't sure how to navigate the trials and tribulations that Simon was putting me through. Twenty years together and this was truly the first time we have butted heads so aggressively. I wanted to blame Simon for my fathers relapse, for the nasty comment he made at the dinner table that sent my dad over the edge of oblivion, but I couldn't fault him for causing something he didn't know was an issue to begin with.

Was I really abandoning my best friend for a new man or was my best friend trying to keep me from diverting my attention away from him in fear of having to share me? He was usually possessive and jealous as a friend, but this was significantly more abrasive with Jace in the picture. Not to mention he had the same reaction to Ethan outside of the precinct—the sneer on his face when I called Ethan my friend was pasted to the back of my eyelids.

Jace set the car into park along the curb of my apartment complex and shut off the engine without moving. He still chewed his cheek but I noted how he rubbed his palms on his jeans. "What are you thinking about?" I asked into the deafening silence of the cabin.

"Just worried about you."

I set my hand on his as it rested atop his thigh. "I'll be okay."

A quick glance at our hands was his response before he slipped out of the driver seat and came to my side to open my door for the thousandth time since we met. He took a step back with a hand in his jacket pocket. "You're sure you'll be alright?"

"More than alright." I looked up at his sleep deprived face and wanted nothing more than to take it in my hands.

"Good," he said with his cheek between his teeth. I couldn't tell if he was acting strange or if he was genuinely shaken by the night's events. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

My heart deflated. I was shocked to find that it deflated more in this moment than it had upon the discovery of my fathers truth and Simon's bout of self righteous anger at the dinner table.

I swallowed. "You're not staying?"

The bridge of his nose reddened and he stumbled over his words. "That's still what you want?"

"I kinda don't want to be alone tonight." The phrase left my lips sounding more vulnerable than I wanted to expose, so I diverted the attention away with a smile. "There's still a killer on the loose, after all."

"I might have to start charging you for my personal security detail."

I stepped from the car and let the door fall closed behind us as we strode up the sidewalk. "I pay you with my witty comments and stubborn attitude, detective."

"Then consider me a wealthy man," he laughed and threw his arm across my shoulders. I rolled my eyes while we climbed the stairs.

The inside of my apartment hadn't improved considering I hadn't been home for more than a few hours at a time the last few days, but Jace didn't seem to mind as he chucked off his jacket and hung it over the side of the couch beside one of my discarded hoodies before flopping onto a cushion with a sigh.

I checked my watch and stifled a groan when it told me that it had just hit midnight. Saying I was tired was an understatement—I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep after going to bed at my dads. For hours I had battled whether or not to demand Jace join me in my bedroom regardless of the rules of the house—and the rule we had between us. I was strong enough to admit that he was all I thought about tonight before the outburst from Valentine.

But this was my house now, and to Hell with the rule.

I stopped at my bedroom door and turned to the detective lounging on my couch. "You coming?"

His head snapped to me with wide eyes. "To bed? With you?"

"To bed. With me."

He stood faster than the speed of light, making his way around the couch and the hazards along the floor with ease until he was nearly pressed against me. "Wouldn't that be against the rule?"

"Since when do you follow rules, detective?"

"Clary," he growled in warning.

"Just to sleep. That's all," I shrugged, not knowing for certain if that was a lie or not considering the pulse between my thighs was becoming unmanageable at his proximity alone. I slipped through the doorway and climbed onto my bed that still vaguely smelled of him from this morning.

He stood in the door frame with narrowed eyes, calculating his next move as if the situation was like a game of chess, but he relented with a few long strides.

"Can I take a look at the damage?" I asked, my voice small.

He raised a questioning brow before realizing my request and giving a short nod. His shirt pulled over his head and onto the floor while he turned to give his backside. The bed shifted under his weight as he sat on the edge in front of me. With a flick of the dim lamp on my bedside cabinet, a dark bruise the size of a softball made itself at home on the right side of his spine.

I hissed an involuntary inhale through my teeth while reaching out and brushing my fingertips along the smooth skin.

"Is it that bad?" he chuckled, but I felt his muscles wince under my touch.

"More battle scars in my honor." I felt awful for being the cause of the injury, but another selfish feeling crossed my mind. He protected me without a second thought, and for some reason that made me…feral. I shifted closer until my thighs grazed against his waist while my hands wandered over the other muscled areas of his back.

He tensed and looked back at me with dark eyes. "Clary."

"Jace." I brushed my lips against his spine, causing a shiver to run through his shoulders.

He jolted up from the bed with fingers raked through his hair. "You're making this extremely hard for me."

I got up on my knees. "Because of the rule?"

"Fuck the rule," he growled and whirled to me, grasping my chin in his fingers like he had done many times before. "But this is a bigger deal. The couch, the car, those times between us were different."

I swallowed nervously. "Because you're afraid you'll take what you want?"

"Exactly." A thumb brushed along my jaw.

"And if I take what I want?" I brought my fingers up to the waistband of his jeans and hooked into the belt loops.

A desperate noise left his throat like he was holding back. "You don't want this."

My knees shifted my body flush to his. "You're deciding that for me? I thought I made it clear that I am capable of making my own decisions."

"You'll want to give yourself to someone special, not lose it to a psychotic man in a bout of lust."

"Does lust usually make your heart beat out of your chest when they're around?" I breathed. "Or does it make the world feel like it's stopped moving every time you see them?"

He chewed his cheek, scanning my face with those ever present calculating eyes.

I continued. "Does lust drive every action you do in a way that brings you back to them and make you fist fight the strangers that get in the way? Because if it does all of those things, then I must really lust after you."

His face scrunched in agony. "But—"

"Jace," I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled him close. The words I was sure he rarely heard throughout his life breathed through my lips, the words that I knew would bring him to me. "I want you."

"Fuck," he strained and finally met my lips in a flustered rush, making my head spin as he pushed me back into the bed to climb between my thighs.

Nerves made my fingers shake while they explored the soft skin and hard muscle of his abdomen, but I knew there was nowhere else I'd rather be, no one else I'd rather give myself to. Years of feeling less-than had deprived me of any hope of finding someone who could truly read me, see me, and wanted me despite the way I functioned mentally. I had always thought I wanted to find a man that made me feel normal, but I was wrong. Jace didn't treat me differently, instead, he embraced the parts of me that I tried to hide out of fear of public scrutiny.

Warm hands grasped my waist and slid under the hem of my shirt, dragging fire along with them that flared with each squeeze and influenced my hips to rock against his on their own accord. He flinched backward slightly as if he was holding back, hesitating to fulfill my silent request until he relaxed once more.

He urged my shirt over my head, and gazed hungrily down at my braless chest. My cheeks turned to fire as I instinctively began raising an arm to cover myself. Before I could finish my pathetic attempt, he dipped his head down and licked up the center of my breasts and took my nipple between his teeth. A gasp shot from the depths of my belly, the sensation of his tongue on my skin arching my back in an unfathomable wave of euphoria. Golden curls entwined with my fingers as they pulled him closer and followed his lead down to my waistband.

I quivered with each tug that sent my shorts down my legs, my skin tingling from his caress and at the thought of my panties being the only barrier between his mouth and my arousal.

"Wait," I breathed, sitting up fully with his head still in my hands. He backed up, the light behind his eyes dimmed slightly as if he was prepared for me to call it all off. "Stand up," I urged, giving his curls a tug.

With furrowed brows, he stood and raked his hands through his hair. Muscles in his arms swelled with the movement, nearly melting me and my train of thought. I slid closer with a pounding heart and a need in my belly that only he had been able to fulfill. He watched as I popped the button of his jeans, slid down the zipper, and pushed his waistband down. His body shook when I did the same to his black boxers, pulling until the entire length of him sprung loose and I took him in my hands.

A groan rumbled his chest when I ran my fingers underneath his shaft. His patience was wearing thin, and that only encouraged me further. I wrapped my fingers around him completely and gave a long, slow stroke—repeating the motion until a bead of moisture collected on his tip. I leaned down and licked it off.

His teeth practically ground together. I attempted another lick before he lifted me by my thighs and dropped me into the middle of the bed on my back. He stood on his knees between my legs, each hand rested on my thighs. "You drive me crazy," he breathed with wild eyes.

I smiled. "What else is new?"

He smirked but it didn't quite reach his wary eyes as he scanned my face. "Are you sure about this?"

Instead of responding with words, I slowly slid my panties from my hips. That was all he needed as he took over, pulling them off completely.

There was no other man I could envision giving myself to. The whole "being a virgin" thing never meant much to me. I didn't preserve it for any other reason than simply because I hadn't found the right man, but I was certain in my choice. I knew I wanted Jace. Everything had burned within me to have him close since we had met, and now that I have him, I could never imagine letting him go.