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"Talking"
'Thinking'
"Host talking"
'Host thinking'
Episode 8
"And so begins the joke that is Yamcha." Irina bemoaned dramatically.
"In this case, it's Motohama." Issei pointed out with a chuckle.
"You know, we're about to see other deaths here." Azazel pointed out, being knowledgeable about the series.
"Yeah, but its not actually us, and we know how things play out...eventually." Issei countered. "So it's fine."
"Besides," Vali interjected. "I'm more interested in seeing our rivalry bloom."
"Big shocker there." Kuroka interjected sarcastically.
[DISCLAIMER]
KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(scene opens up at Kame House with Sona, Master Azazel, Oolong and Puar watching a telecast of Motohama's death)
MR. KENT: And there you have it, folks. That man is dead. Very, very dead.
JIMMY: Mr. Kent, if you had to come up with a word for how dead he is, what would it be?
MR. KENT: "Cadaverific!"
"Using that!" Vali and Azazel said. Vali pulled out his notebook again, taking notes while Azazel kept it in his mind.
SONA: (breaks down crying in Master Azazel's chest) Motohama! No! I was saving myself for him!
MASTER AZAZEL: (...?) Bulls*t!
"Yeah, I agree with myself here, total Bullshit" said Azazel lazily.
"How dare you!" Serafall shrieked. "Are you calling my dear Sona's chastity into question!" she yelled, much to Sona's own embarrassment.
"No, I'm calling BS on the fact she was going to waste it, on that waste of space" he said with a chuckle. Serafall glared at him, as if trying to see through his words.
"All right then." She finally said before sitting back down. At the same time, gears started turning in Issei's head. If Sona was filling in Bulma's role, and Vali was filling Vegeta's...
"Ohhh boy." He said to himself, sweat dropping. "I think I'll keep quiet about that for now."
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(scene shifts to the battlefield with Saji being struck with grief over Motohama's death)
SAJI: Motohama! Motohama! Motohama was our friend...and you bastards killed him! Don't worry, Motohama, I'll avenge you!
"Do I have to." Saji Grumbled.
"No, but it does add extra drama to the story." Issei responded
"Besides he is still technically your friend" Irina finished as Saji Grumbled
SIRZECHS: Oh right, you're going to avenge him? The five-year-old over here is stronger than you are!
Grayfia patted Millicas's head at this.
SAJI: But I-
SIRZECHS: Face it, you're pretty much here as a meat shield.
(Saji is extremely angry)
RISER: Ha! Look at him, Vali. He's like the Raynare of their group.
SAJI: That's it! I can't take it anymore! I can only be pushed so far!
(HUD from Final Fantasy VII appears at the bottom of the screen, selecting "Saji" and "Limit")
A collective groan went through the audience.
"Man I feel so old seeing that." Azazel commented as one of the more active gamers in the audience.
(Scatter Shot appears at the top of the screen)
SAJI: SAJI LIMIT BREEEEEAK!
(Battle music from Final Fantasy VII plays as Saji uses Scatter Shot to kill three Saibamen; Victory music from Final Fantasy VII plays after Saji's rampage)
SAJI: (while catching his breath) That was...for Motohama.
"There." Saji said. "Avenging done."
VALI: Congratulations, you've just destroyed the equivalent of three Raynare.
SAJI: That's right! What now, you son of a bi-
VALI: Riser here is worth five Raynare.
SAJI: I- uh... What?
"Aaaand now we're starting to see some of the drawbacks of power levels and stuff like that." Gorou commented.
VALI: And I am worth fifteen Raynare.
SAJI: (disappointed) I... Oh...
RISER: Aw, come on, don't get so down on yourself. At least you've proven that your Raynare is still stronger than our Raynare.
(scene shift to Raynare)
RAYNARE: I...hate...all of you!
"Right back at you bitch." Issei said bitterly. Even some of the girls threw up middle fingers at her on screen appearance.
(scene shifts back to the battlefield)
VALI: So in short, good for you. Oh, by the way, you missed one.
(one Saibamen pops out from hiding and tries to attack Millicas, only to be grabbed by Sirzechs)
SIRZECHS: Yeah, no.
(punches the Saibamen in its stomach and throws it in the air before blasting it with a mouth blast)
"Don't you think that was a bit much for just one of them?" Grayfia asked her husband.
"He wanted to show off a bit." Sirzechs said confidently.
MILLICAS: That was incredible, Mr. Sirzechs!
KIBA: Yeah, way to go!
SAJI: But, what about-
SIRZECHS: Well, you can all learn a thing or two.
SAJI: But I just killed three of them-
GASPER: Nobody cares, Saji!
"Wow." Kiba whistled. "Never seen you talk so sharply." He commented to Gasper.
"I-I-I can do it too! One day."
"I know you can." Issei said in encouragement.
SAJI: Aww...
VALI: Well, Riser, looks like it's your turn to teach them a lesson.
RISER: Yeah, right out of Saiyan University. (begins walking towards the Z-Fighters)
VALI: Hold on, you went to college?
RISER: Yup.
VALI: What the hell could someone like you possibly major in?!
RISER: Child Psychology.
"Ok that is unbelievable on soooooo many counts." Rias interjects. Ravel wanted to say something but couldn't think of any intelligent retorts.
MILLICAS: Wow, That sounds really interes-
RISER: With a minor in Pain! (dashes towards Kiba and severs his left arm in one punch)
(Kiba screams in absolute pain)
"I know that's not me." Vali grumble, jotting in his notebook again. "But it's still a good line."
VALI: Looks like he's been...disarmed!
"Boooo" Said Bikou and Kuroka together.
(silence as the wind blows)
RISER: (off-screen) I get it!
VALI: Shut it, Riser.
(Kiba leaps in the sky)
RISER: Oh, I love this game! Tag! (chases Kiba and kicks him towards the ground) No tagbacks.
Vali could not help but snarl as he wrote this down as well.
KIBA: (thinking) Agh, damn, this guy's strong. Maybe it would be best if I just took Gasper and- (notices Gasper is gone) Wait, where is he?!
(Gasper is seen latched onto Riser's back)
"Oh no...this part" Issei said with dread. True this wasn't HIS Gasper. But it was still a version of Gasper. And it wasn't just the scene itself, but everything about it.
RISER: Vali, the Pokémon's on my back.
KIBA: Gasper! No!
RISER: Aww, I can't get it off, Vali! Here, I'll use Rock Smash.
(smashes his back into a rock, causing Gasper to whimper in pain)
"Damn it." Vali grunted, pen moving quickly.
KIBA: Gasper, you get down from there this instant!
GASPER: (telepathically) No! I have to do this, Kiba! For all the people of Earth, our friends, and especially you!
KIBA: But Gasper...!
GASPER: (telepathically) Don't worry, you can just wish me back with the Dragon Balls! Now, goodbye, my friend!
KIBA: That won't work, Gasper! We already wished you back once with the Dragon Balls; we can't do it twice!
"And that's what really makes this scene hard to watch." Issei gulped, Irina squeezing his hand as he looked to the Gasper in the audience.
GASPER: (telepathically) Wait, wha-? (explodes)
KIBA: N-No! No! Gasper! GASPERUUU!
SAJI: Oh, my God... He blew into more pieces than Motohama!
Many members of the audeince glared at the real Saji.
"Hey!" He shouted in protest. "Not me! I'd never say soemthing like that!"
KIBA: Saji!
SAJI: What?
KIBA: He was my closest friend! I... I loved him.
SAJI: As a memorial to Motohama: gay.
KIBA: (thinking) At least your sacrifice wasn't in vain, my friend.
(Riser is revealed to be alive, leaving Gasper's sacrifice to be in vain)
RISER: Aww, dang it, Vali. He used Self-Destruct. I hate it when they do that.
KIBA: (off-screen) DAMN IT!
RISER: (lands next to a grieving Kiba) Awwww, I think I made him mad, Vali. Should I talk to him about it? The first step to working out your problems is healthy communication. And-
KIBA: HUAAAH! (tries to punch Riser, but hits a boulder)
RISER: Hey, that was very rude! I was talking to VALI! (punches Kiba, launching him into a boulder)
"Don't you just hate when that happens." Vali said.
MILLICAS: Should- shouldn't we help him?
SIRZECHS: Can't you see he has to fight this battle on his own? He's fighting for the honor of his fallen comrade.
(Riser is seen beating Kiba to a pulp)
KIBA: (getting hit with each word) HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP MEEEE!
SIRZECHS: Like a hero.
"Sounds noble and all, but he's getting his ass handed to him!" Saji cried out.
MILLICAS: Mr. Sirzechs, help him!
SIRZECHS: Oh, fine! (to Saji) Saji, go!
(Sirzechs and Saji jump into the air to help Kiba)
RISER: For PONY! (Sirzechs hits him) UWAGH! He hit me! (Saji knocks Riser towards the ground) GAH HA! He hit me too!
(Riser is seen flying towards Millicas)
SIRZECHS: Millicas, hurry up and blast him with all your strength! Before he has time to DOOOOODGE!
("dodge" echoes traumatically in Millicas's head, causing him to scream and run for cover)
SIRZECHS: Damn you, Pavlov!
"Don't blame him." Azazel chuckles. "Blame the kid for being spineless and you for your training."
"Perhaps Millicas does need to be touched up." Grayfia muses.
(scene goes static and switches to a news reporter)
NEWS REPORTER: For those of you who don't know who Pavlov is, allow us to take a brief moment to explain. Back in 1904-
OOLONG: (banging his hand on the TV) Get back to the fight!
NEWS REPORTER: Annnd back to the fight.
"Thank you!" Issei and Irina say in unison.
(scene goes static and changes back to the fight, with Riser recovering from Sirzechs and Saji's surprise attack)
RISER: Hey, not gonna lie. Dick move, guys, dick move.
SAJI: Sirzechs, do you have a plan?
SIRZECHS: That depends; can you get him in a Full Nelson?
"NO! No no no no no!" Saji shook his head furiously.
SAJI: Any plans that don't involve killing me?
SIRZECHS: Well, there is the multi-form technique.
SAJI: But doesn't that cut our power levels by-
SIRZECHS: Plan A or Plan B, Saji!
SAJI: Plan B! Plan B!
SIRZECHS & SAJI: Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! (three clones of Sirzechs and Saji appear)
RISER: Vali! I can't..."believe it".
(Vali gives off an annoyed groan off-screen)
So did the teenagers in the audience.
"Was the Naruto reference really needed?" Issei groans.
"I don't think the last part was needed at least." Irina added.
(the three Sirzechss and Sajis attack Riser, who dominates them with his superior strength)
SIRZECHS: (thinking) Hrgh, he's dodging every hit! We can't lay a finger on him! What kind of incredible mental discipline has this guy gone through?
RISER: Patty cake, patty cake, baker's MAN! (punches a Saji clone) Bake me a cake as fast as you CAN! (punches a Sirzechs clone and eventually launches all three clones towards the ground)
(Saji slams onto the ground, followed by his two clones, causing him to groan in pain)
(Saji Owned Count: 5-7)
(Sirzechs also hits the ground, followed by his doubles, which knocks him down)
RISER: Good effort, but I'm the Patty Cake champion.
Ravel shook her head in embarrassment while Vali tried to hide the notebook he had been using to write down Riser's lines.
SIRZECHS: (after a short pause) What?
RISER: But, at least you didn't uselessly self-destruct like that Pokémon.
KIBA: (gets up from Riser's beatdown earlier) You stupid...ugly...son of a bitch. (begins charging a blast) His name...was GASPER! KIKŌHŌ! (fires a Spirit Tri-Beam at Riser)
RISER: Yeah, that Gasper- OH, MY GOOOOOD! (gets hit directly by Kiba's attack)
KIBA: (thinking) Right here... Right behind you, Gasper. (falls on the ground, dying from using up all his energy)
There were more looks of sadness on the faces of the audience, seeing another sacrifice right before them. Especially since...
(Riser again survives the attack, this time, losing some of his armor)
RISER: Aha, pointless.
"Aaaand he lived through it." Issei grumbled. "Kind of makes sense that it's Riser with that endurance of his."
SAJI: (absolutely terrified) We're gonna die, aren't we.
RISER: Yep! (charges towards the remaining Z-Fighters, who all stand frozen in fear, but suddenly stops in midair and looks at Vali)
RISER: Vali!
VALI: (annoyed) What?
RISER: I can fly...!
VALI: (starts stammering before letting out a sigh) Yes, Riser, yes you can.
"You know, somehow, he's making you seem intelligent Bikuou." Vali groaned.
"Thanks, I guess" Bikuo replied
"Also saying this respectfully but if I have to endure this idiot any longer, I'LL go in there and kill him myself." Vali said.
"Wait can you even do tha-" Issei started before Vali Interrupted. "I'M ABOUT TO TRY!"
SAJI: You know, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble once Issei gets here!
VALI: Who?
SAJI: Issei! He's stronger than all of us combined!
VALI: Well then, I guess we better kill you before he gets here.
SAJI: W-Wait, I mean...
RISER: But Vali, I wanna meet the strong guy!
VALI: Riser just kill them first and-
RISER: But I want him to see us kill them!
VALI: Oh, God, there's no arguing with you. Fine, I'll give you three hours tops. After that, I'm killing all of you.
"Huh." Azazel spoke. "Normally you'd be the one playing around for the showmanship of it." he said to Vali.
"It has been a LONG Day. For the other me anyway." Vali said with a groan.
"So when you mean 'All of you' does that include Riser" Asked Kuroka.
"Probably knowing myself" Vali said without hesitation.
"Can you NOT talk about killing my brother like its nothing!?" Ravel yells
"Not my fault I have a low tolerance for Idiots" Valis said leaning back.
"What does that make Bikou?" replied Issei.
"HEY!" he yelled back before Vali replied. "He scrapes by because he's useful...if only slightly"
RISER: Yay! And now we wait.
(Thirty seconds later...)
RISER: Is he here yet?
SIRZECHS, MILLICAS, & SAJI: No.
RISER: Is he here yet?
SIRZECHS, MILLICAS, & SAJI: No...!
RISER: Is he here yet?
SIRZECHS, MILLICAS, & SAJI: NO!
RISER: Is he here yet?
SIRZECHS, MILLICAS, & SAJI: NOO!
(long pause)
RISER: ...Is he here ye-?
VALI, SIRZECHS, MILLICAS, & SAJI: NOO!
Ravel buried her head in shame once again.
"Even as a child he was not this annoying." Rias grumbles
VALI: Goddammit, Riser, just go do something! Go have fun- I don't care how.
RISER: Oh boy! This is gonna be my best...day...ever.
(scene shifts to Riser destroying both naval and air forces, laughing while doing so, while Peewee's Pocket Circus plays in the background)
(scene shifts back to the battlefield with the Z-Fighters waiting for Issei until Vali's scouter beeps)
VALI: Well, time's up- time to die. (removes his scouter and throws it at the ground)
SIRZECHS: So, where's your friend-
RISER: I'm back! (elbows Sirzechs in the head)
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
VALI: Riser, where did your armor go?
RISER: I had a hell of a day, Vali. I sank their battleship...and their whales.
(scene shifts to the remains of a navy ship floating in a bloody ocean, presumably the blood of the whales Riser indirectly murdered)
AQUAMAN: (off-screen) Nooo...
"That was unnecessary." Azazel sweat dropped.
"I imagine the Heavenly father would be most upset for this." Michael nodded in agreement. "He was most proud of the whales."
"Indeed." Gabriel sighed. "I still remember when he spoke to Job and went into great detail on them."
Once again, many thanks to everyone for following along. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed writing this out. We threw in a reference to something recent. Comment if you think you got it. We'll reveal the answer in the AN of the next chapter!
That's it for now. Please Favorite, Follow, and Review. But most of all, thank you for reading!