Goodbyes and Break-Ups

Fall in the air, but not quite like in the past. For one thing, there was Dementor fog everywhere, and that made things particularly depressing. For another, Katie Bell had returned to Hogwarts for her final year, and Alicia and Angelina only had one opportunity to see her in late August. Alicia supposed she should consider herself grateful that she got to meet up with Katie and Angelina at all that day in Diagon Alley. It had been a Saturday; Alicia hadn't had class and Angelina didn't have training. Katie had wanted to buy her school things and they all wanted to enjoy each other's company for a bit since they wouldn't see each other again for nearly five months, unless Angelina and Alicia managed to get to Hogsmeade to visit with Katie for an afternoon in October. They would definitely have to catch up at Christmas.

Katie had cried, of course. Hogwarts wouldn't be the same for her without Angelina and Alicia. She hadn't been made Quidditch Captain either, but she wasn't as upset about that as she was about returning for her final year without her two best friends.

"It'll be Harry, you know it will," she'd sighed as she toyed with her fork over lunch in the Leaky Cauldron. "And I really don't mind that. Harry deserves it; he's a damn good player and he put up with so much shite last year from Umbridge. But…" Her eyes filled with tears. "I don't know what to do without both of you there!"

Bracingly, Angelina said, "Ginny will probably make the team again. She wanted to try out for Chaser, and like you just said: with Umbridge gone, Harry can play Seeker again. You and Ginny get on well, and she'll be a strong player. She'll match your skill perfectly."

"Angie's right." Alicia tried to smile. "You may even have a chance at the Quidditch Cup this year! Who else could play Chaser alongside the two of you, though?"

They'd debated which other Gryffindors would be good replacements for themselves, as well as for Ron, Kirke, and Sloper (they all agreed that there was no way Harry would bring back Kirke and Sloper, though he might very well cave on Ron). It wasn't until nearly 5:00 in the afternoon that Katie's parents returned and insisted it was time to go — neither were thrilled about the wizarding world with the war looming. Katie had even confided in her friends that her parents weren't very comfortable with her returning to Hogwarts, but she told them point-blank she was going back for her final year.

The three of them had hugged each other and said a tearful goodbye. Angelina and Alicia promised they would write Katie letters. Katie promised she would write back.

Alicia wasn't entirely sure when she was going to be able to actually write Katie, though. Her coursework was horrendous. She could barely stay out from under a mountain of books and Angelina always looked appropriately horrified whenever she returned home from practice to find Alicia buried at the tea table in their tiny sitting room. Sometimes Chrysanthe was buried alongside her as they studied, because Professor Ecclestone liked to give pop quizzes. And woe be to anyone who did not keep up with the excessive reading. Yet still, she managed to find a few minutes here and there to scribble a few lines to Katie. She would feel awful if she didn't.

The one bright spot in her life was hanging out with Gilbert, especially when Angelina had a late practice or a game. It was quite easy to be around Gilbert. He made Alicia forget the crushing hopelessness of complex healing theory and the stacks of books piled three deep on the tea table. He made her laugh and she didn't have to worry about being perfect or him taking liberties.

Although, quite frankly, a few liberties might be nice, she thought irritably. Angelina and Katie swore sex was good stress relief, and if Pucey hadn't been so damned respectful, she would have —

Alicia jammed her thoughts again. Damn it, she had to stop thinking about Adrian Pucey.

But the problem was, Alicia's experience was limited and she couldn't quite help comparing Gilbert and Adrian. They were both respectful, but in very different ways.

After the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw game the previous term, it would have been all too easy to push Pucey too far if she hadn't created that rule about not shagging. He had been respectful in the sense that he hadn't broken that rule, no matter how much he may have wanted to. Now, she kept telling herself it was a good thing she had set that rule. It was proving hard enough as it was to forget Adrian Fit-as-Fuck Pucey, even with Very Fit Gilbert Royle suddenly in her life. But if she and Pucey had actually had sex…? Godric, she'd be worthless, she'd be pining for him all the damn time!

And Gilbert? Well, Gilbert was almost too respectful. He never touched her anywhere but her waist, her arm, her hand, or on the shoulder. They hadn't even kissed yet. She wasn't sure if he was too shy to ask or if he only wanted to be friends, but every once in a while she'd catch his eyes drifting downwards when he didn't think she was paying attention, and then his eyes would suddenly snap back up while his face flushed at the realization that he'd been staring at her tits. She wished he wasn't so nervous about taking their friendship to the next level. It was nice to think he fancied her that way.

Pucey, on the other hand, would have been palming her tits while frenching her, and that had been deliciously nice, too. The last couple of times they'd been in the Room of Requirement, it had nearly taken an Act of the Wizengamot to pull away from each other without stripping. His hands had been under her top and she had absolutely encouraged that, even going so far as to press her hands over his. It was as though her body had just done things on its own accord whenever Pucey ran his hands under her shirt, his tongue practically down her throat, while at the same time trying to keep her out of his lap so she wouldn't grind herself against him. (She'd wanted to do that, too. And tried.) Throughout the month of June especially — it had been as if someone had set a match to them every single time they were together.

She wasn't sure if Gilbert could even go that far without turning bright red. In all honesty, the fact that he was so reserved was just frustrating.

It was mid-September before it came to a head. She'd had a particularly challenging week in the Healer program and she was probably a bit short-tempered, which didn't help matters. Holyhead had a night game that evening, and even though Angelina was only reserve, she was required to be there just in case one of the main Chasers got injured and she was called off the bench.

Alicia and Gilbert had plans to go to the Gryphon and listen to the game. But when they arrived, the place was packed: the Harpies were playing the Falcons, and there were definite rivalries going on. They couldn't even get inside, which made Alicia uneasy and tense. In fact, they didn't even get to the door before she tugged Gilbert's arm and quietly said, "There's no way we're going to get a table. Let's go back to my place and listen there."

Gilbert nodded; he looked wary, too. "Okay."

They left not a moment too soon; just as they started back, Alicia noticed two guys through one of the bay windows shove at each other. When she and Gilbert finally reached the Apparition point and Apparated to the landing outside her and Angie's apartment, the quiet pressed in on them and she sighed gratefully.

"Sorry," she said, giving him an apologetic smile as she unlocked the door.

"Don't be. It looked like a rough crowd tonight. I wouldn't want you in that."

As soon as she had replaced the wards and charms, she said, "It's not the best, but we have leftover pizza in the icebox. Or we can order out."

"Leftover pizza is fine with me." He was standing just inside the small kitchen, looking out of place and a little nervous as he took in what he hadn't the first and only time he'd ever been inside, just three weeks earlier.

"In that case, grab whatever you want to drink," Alicia said cheerfully, waving her wand to open the icebox and floating the leftover pizza box into the sitting room.

Gil nodded, his flush deepening. He joined her a few seconds later in the sitting room, and Alicia turned on the old wireless that she and Angelina had found in the secondhand shop below their flat. The Quidditch game had just started, and they hadn't missed much.

Gilbert looked around the sitting room with a nonplussed expression. "So… this is your flat?"

"Angelina's flat," Alicia corrected, heating the pizza with her wand. "She's being nice enough to let me stay here. I can't afford rent right now, being in the Healer program, so I clean up and we take turns cooking or ordering out."

"That's nice of her. Letting you stay here."

"It is. I didn't particularly want to stay at my parents' place."

Gilbert took a slice of pizza and looked at her curiously. "Why not?"

Alicia shrugged. "Mum is a half-blood and Dad is a muggle-born. They live on the outskirts of London. Mum is an interior designer and Dad stays at home to help her out because he didn't want a job in the magical world. So if I'm at home too, I don't have time to myself. Not that I don't love my parents; that's not it at all. I just don't want to be around them constantly." She swallowed a bite of pizza before she asked, "What are your parents like?"

Gilbert thought for a moment before he said, "I'm really close to both of them, which is why I'm still living at home." He flushed a bit. "I'm sure that sounds silly… Eighteen years old and not living in my own flat…"

"No, it doesn't. Everyone is different."

"The thing is…" He sighed petulantly and ran his free hand into his hair. "My grandfather and I aren't close, but he's the family patriarch, you know?"

Alicia knew Gil's grandfather ran their family business and she knew that the Royle family was incredibly wealthy, but she didn't know much else.

He looked resigned and his shoulders dropped. "See… traditionally, Royles were always sorted into Slytherin. But my mum is a Hufflepuff." Gil gave Alicia a rueful smile. "When I was sorted, neither of my parents were upset. Dad just smiled and said he was glad I went where I wanted to go. But my grandfather was a different story. I broke tradition. He always thought I was too soft, and my placement at Hogwarts just proved him right. I'm pretty sure he hates me."

Startled, Alicia blurted, "How could anyone hate you? I'm sure he doesn't —"

But Gilbert shook his head. "No, it's true. Every time I'm around him, he tells me what a disappointment I am. Dad tells me to ignore him, but grandfather's word is law. It wears on me after a while. Thankfully, he doesn't live with us. I only see him every couple of weeks, at family dinners. And I'd have to go to those whether I lived at home or on my own."

Alicia hesitated before she said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I don't tell many people." He gave her another slightly sarcastic smile. "That's why all the Slytherins at school disliked me, too. I should have been one of them, but I wasn't. They get kind of pissed when someone who should go to Slytherin, doesn't."

"Well. Most Slytherins dislike anyone who isn't them," Alicia pointed out.

"True. Merlin, I was glad I wasn't sorted there. Pucey was the only one who was ever polite to me."

For a brief second, it felt like someone had punched her in the gut. She hadn't been expecting his name just casually thrown in the conversation like that and it caught her completely off guard. Forcing herself to swallow her bite of pizza, Alicia stammered, "T-that was nice of him, I suppose."

"Yeah. I know the two of you didn't like each other, because Umbridge always made you patrol together last year after the Gryffindor-Slytherin game, but he's really not a bad guy, you know. He isn't quite like the other Slytherins, but he fits in better there than I ever would have. I mean… I wouldn't say he and I are friends, exactly… but at least when we have to attend society events, I know I can chat with him and he won't snub or bully me. He's always polite."

Alicia shifted uncomfortably. "The others don't come down on him if he talks to you?"

Gilbert shrugged. "Not really. The others won't mess with him; they know he'd curse them if they picked a fight with him. Pucey can hold his own; he's always been top at Defense. And his family is too wealthy for the others to outright snub him. His dad is a huge investor."

The little glimpse into Pucey's life outside Hogwarts was another gut-punch. She supposed that she and Pucey had done well to hide their relationship — Gil has no idea, she thought wildly — but she had never thought about him attending high society functions. Or Gilbert, for that matter. Or how much money they had! What on earth had Pucey even seen in her? She wasn't that type of girl at all! She couldn't even afford half the rent for a crummy flat off Diagon Alley with Angelina!

She tried to sound teasing instead of self-conscious when she asked, "What are they like? These society events?"

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "Tedious."

"A bunch of rich people getting together wearing fancy dress robes?" She took another bite of pizza.

"That." He grinned slightly. "Merlin, there was a garden party back in July, it was awful. All the women were milling around the gardens at Warrington Hall in chiffon robes while the men sported linen. Everyone was drinking Prim's and champagne. Some of the younger guys snuck inside to play billiards to get away from all of it, but I'm never welcome to do that. I eventually got sent in to find Pucey for his mum, but he and I didn't talk much. I don't think either of us wanted to be there."

Alicia found she was suddenly, insanely curious about Pucey's parents, but despite her desire to ask what they were like, she didn't. She didn't need Gilbert figuring out that she still had a bit of a crush on Pucey, and too many questions would get his suspicions up.

So instead, all she said was, "That sounds really dull."

Gilbert chuckled. "I'd much rather be eating leftover pizza here instead of caviar at a dinner party, I assure you."

Does Pucey prefer caviar to two-day-old pizza?

She squashed that thought. It would do no good to think about him. It didn't matter.

The game lasted four hours, which was longer than normal. There were a lot of fouls against Holyhead, and their Seeker got pulled out after one particularly nasty foul, to be replaced by one of the two reserve Seekers. Alicia was incredibly grateful she and Gilbert hadn't stayed at the Gryphon. When the game finally ended (the Harpies won 580 to 430), she waved her wand at the wireless and slumped back on the sofa in the abrupt silence.

"Angelina's going to be in a mood when she gets back," she muttered. "That was brutal."

"The Falcons are always like that. They have more fouls than any other team in the League. It's absolutely why no one wants to buy them."

Alicia sat up again, stretched, and rolled her neck. When she glanced at Gilbert, it was one of those rare moments when his gaze had flickered sideways to her chest. He flushed and quickly looked away before standing up. To cover the moment, he vanished the empty pizza box, then floated their empty drinks back to the kitchen.

"How long will it take Angelina to get home?" he called from the sink. "I can stay a bit longer, if you want."

"No, it's fine," she said, standing up and vanishing the used napkins before heading into the kitchen herself. "It's past midnight, Gil. She'll be home soon."

"I don't like you by yourself," he said stubbornly.

Alicia leaned against the counter and gave him a small smile. "I'll be fine."

He looked down at her. "It's really dangerous these days. I worry about you, being here alone."

"I appreciate it, but I have a lot of wards up over this place, you know."

Gil smiled back. "I know. I remember you got ten N.E.W.T.'s. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to stay longer, even if I shouldn't."

"Thanks for spending the evening with me," she said sincerely. "It was nice."

He looked at her for a long moment, before his hand came up and he gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Gooseflesh erupted down Alicia's arms; she distinctly remembered Pucey doing something like that, once.

Gilbert bit his lip. "Can I… kiss you goodnight?"

She managed to nod.

Finally…! This was it. This was the moment she'd been waiting for the entire past month: for Gilbert to kiss her so she could see how it felt… so she could see if it set her blood on fire and burned away the memories of Adrian Pucey.

Gilbert leaned down, his fingers just against her cheek, but otherwise he didn't touch her. His lips brushed against hers, chaste and gentle. He didn't even open his mouth.

Bloody hell, it didn't even feel like a kiss!

He lingered for a moment before he whispered, "Thank you."

Alicia could hear an odd buzzing in her head but she tried to squash the thought down. They just hadn't kissed properly, that was all. If they did it like they were supposed to, instead of all shy and nervous, that would make a difference, surely.

"Gil, wait," she said, grasping at his arm. "Can I try something?"

He looked surprised. "Um, sure?"

Before he could protest, she cupped the back of his neck, stood to her toes, and pressed her mouth to his more firmly, though she did keep her lips closed. Something inside of her didn't want to use her tongue just yet. Gilbert's hands carefully encircled her waist and the kiss lasted a bit longer than the first, but…

Nothing.

How on earth could she feel nothing?

Damp heat fired behind her eyes. This wasn't right. And it wasn't right to Gilbert, either.

"Alicia?" He sounded worried. "Are… you okay? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry —"

"No," she blurted, burying her face in her hands. "No! It's not you, Gil. I swear, it's not you at all!"

There was a pause. When he spoke, he sounded both amused and sad as he attempted to joke, "It's not you, it's me?"

Alicia shook her head and pressed her palms into her eyes. She couldn't look at him. "It is me. I was really hoping this would work… you've no idea how much I was hoping it would work! But…" She choked back a sob.

"Oh, man. It's not you it's me, and a but?" Gilbert chuckled weakly. "Really, Alicia?"

"Oh, my God. I'm so, so sorry." She finally dropped her hands. "Gil. You're so fit and you're always fun to be around. But…"

"Damn, now we're at two buts," he teased, yet he reached out and squeezed her hand and said gently, "Alicia, just come out and say it. I'm not the right one, am I? It's okay."

Her shoulders dropped and she twisted her fingers together. "No. I like someone else," she admitted, wincing. "He and I ended things in June. It was mutual. But… I haven't forgotten him yet. And that's not fair to you. I don't want hurt you like that. You're a good person and —"

"It's okay, Alicia. I didn't mean to push you."

"You didn't push me. If anything, I pushed you." She looked up at him miserably. "I'm so sorry —"

Gilbert flushed. "I mean, I wasn't exactly complaining, you know."

"No, but it still wasn't fair to you. I wish I didn't feel this way. I was hoping when I kissed you, I would forget all about him." She laughed hopelessly. "That was stupid of me, wasn't it?"

"No, it wasn't. No one can help how they feel, right?" He tilted his head. "Can we still be friends?"

Alicia nodded. "I'd like that, if you want to. You're a nice guy, Gilbert. But you deserve someone better than me."

He hesitated, then said quietly, "Maybe you deserve someone better than a guy who wasn't able to date you openly at Hogwarts."

It felt as though he'd slapped her, though she wasn't sure if he actually meant it that way. But regardless of whether he meant it in a mean way or not, she still stiffened and had to push the anger down inside of her. It took all she had to keep her voice even.

"Like I said. It was mutual. I agreed to the conditions. He didn't lead me on, Gil."

He looked disbelieving. "Please tell me it wasn't some arse like Warrington or Montague."

At that, she really did laugh, though she didn't tell him how close he was to actually guessing. "Merlin's arse, no. I hate those guys!"

"Good." He smiled in return, squeezed her hand again, and promised, "I'll check on you later, okay?"

"Thank you. Are you okay to Apparate home?"

"Yeah."

She nodded and unlocked the door. "Be careful."

"You, too." Without warning, he leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Lock it back when I Disapparate, please."

She blushed. "I will."

Angelina tapped the door with her wand and heard the wards lifting and the chain snaking back, but she wasn't expecting Alicia to be sitting on the kitchen counter with a cuppa when she walked in at one in the morning, beat and in a very bad mood.

As Angelina locked up behind her, Alicia said sympathetically, "Tea?"

"Please." She sighed and tried to think of a good security question. She should have asked before she came in the door, but it was too late for that, as besides, she hadn't realized Alicia was still up. She finally settled on, "What was the stupid dare Katie made you do last year after a Quidditch game?"

"She dared me to sneak into the Slytherin locker rooms and heal Pucey's shoulder after the Slytherin-Ravenclaw match," Alicia said quietly. "What was the second pair of shoes you wanted, but didn't get with your first paycheck?"

Angelina frowned. Alicia hadn't answered with her usual smirk. Something was off.

"Hot pink patent leather Pradas, but I plan to get them at Christmas." She accepted the cup of tea Alicia levitated over and asked softly, "What's wrong?"

"Gil came over and we listened to the match tonight. Bloody well brutal; how many fucking fouls can the Falcons manage in a single game? Must be a new record."

"Jones thought so, too." Angelina sipped the tea and watched Alicia over the rim. This had something to do with Gilbert though, not the match. "He didn't get frisky, did he?"

Alicia nearly spit out the sip she'd just taken and sputtered, "Merlin's arse, Angelina! Gilbert? Frisky?"

Angelina almost smirked, but didn't. Instead, she tilted her head. "Then what's wrong?"

Alicia glared at her for a second before she sighed and leaned back, her head thumping into the upper cupboard. "He kissed me good night."

"I take it congratulations are not in order?" Angelina's brow furrowed. Gilbert Royle was certainly fit, and a really nice guy. Before this moment, Angelina had thought he might have been perfect for Alicia. But obviously not.

Alicia blinked, and a second too late, Angelina realized hot tears were slipping down her best friend's face.

"Oh, fuck, Alicia! What the hell? Do I need to track his arse down?" she growled. "What the fuck did he do to you?"

Alicia choked back something that sounded like a laugh and a sob. "No, no. He didn't do anything, really. Gilbert's too good, you know?" She sighed and admitted hollowly, "I didn't feel anything. He kissed me… but he didn't even open his mouth." She rolled her eyes at that. "And I didn't feel anything at all."

Angelina relaxed slightly. "Well. Some guys, you just don't. It was like that for me with Fred. Nothing."

"Yeah, well," Alicia went on, as though she was looking off in the distance and not really seeing Angelina at all, "I kissed him again just to make sure. A little harder, but I didn't open my mouth because… I don't know, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And I still didn't feel anything."

"Was he hurt?" Angelina asked softly.

Alicia shrugged half-heartedly. "Yes. But he did a good job pretending otherwise. That just made me feel so much worse. He asked if we could be friends. I said yes. And… I told him the truth." She finally met Angelina's eyes.

She looked so sad that Angelina almost pulled her off the counter to hug her. But something held her back. Warily, she asked, "Which was…?"

"That I haven't gotten over someone else." Alicia jumped down, turned to get her mug, and took another sip of tea.

"Did you tell him who?"

"No. But then he said…" Alicia trailed off, and a trace of anger flitted over her features.

Angelina arched an eyebrow.

Alicia's hand clenched around the mug's handle. "That I deserved more than some guy who wouldn't date me openly while we were at Hogwarts. I almost lost my temper. I told him I had agreed to the terms when I was sneaking around with the guy, but he still didn't look convinced."

"Because he's a bloody Hufflepuff," Angelina growled. "He doesn't understand that you and Pucey would have been targeted by nearly all of Slytherin if you had dated openly. Alicia, you did the right thing back then, keeping it mum. Pucey wasn't using you. You wanted him just as badly as he wanted you. And you both knew there was extreme risk in dating openly. It would have been insane to do so. Don't listen to Gilbert, he doesn't know all the details, yeah? And don't tell him anything else, either. It's none of his goddamned business."

Alicia gave her a watery smile. "Thank you. I'm sorry I waited up to dump that on you after the awful game you had to sit through."

Angelina snorted. "Please. Wasn't like I did anything strenuous. I just sat on the fucking bench and watched the mayhem in real time." She picked up her mug again. "I'd rather you wait up on me when you need me," she added gently. "You'd do the same for me."

"Of course I would. We're best friends."

Angelina finally gave her a hug. "Maybe you should reach out to Pucey."

But Alicia shook her head. "I don't know where he is or what he's doing. We agreed to end things."

"Maybe he doesn't know how to reach out to you, either."

"Forget it," Alicia said flatly. "I'm not going to be the desperate girl who can't move on. I'll find someone else. So it wasn't Gilbert. Maybe it's Fred or Lee."

Angelina sighed. "It's definitely not Fred for you and we both know that. But, they are having a big party in a week or so. We should go. Between my practice and your studies, we haven't hung out with them much lately. And you know how the twins and Lee are… they get annoyed if they think we're ignoring them." She rolled her eyes. "They have no concept that we might have lives outside of them."

Alicia snorted. "That's an understatement. Well, let's make an appearance. Maybe I'll snog Lee and see what happens."

Angelina shoved her lightly. "If you snog Lee, he's going to take it too far. You know he is."

"Maybe that's what I need." Alicia turned and stormed through the sitting room towards her bedroom. "A good shag."

Angelina didn't follow her. She didn't agree with her, but Alicia wasn't in a mood to listen, so it was pointless to try right now. She would just need to make sure she kept her from doing something stupid on the night of the party in question, that was all. She could rope Oliver into helping with that.