Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.

Previously: Anna's taking a break from all the cares of Atlantis and finding she might care about something else… Radek's trying to arrange for her birthday (since chapter 56), but when Elizabeth asks him to join her for a meal, he's understandably surprised. He can't sort out the history there (The Siege Part 1, Chapter 40, Chapter 51).

Chapter 59. Everything Nice.

Elizabeth looked good in almost anything she wore, including the Atlantis uniform. Granted, she only ever wore the Atlantis uniform, with very few days set aside for anything else. Even holidays. Late at night, though, she went casual by taking her jacket off. She leaned back in her chair, a paperback book in one hand, and a spoonful of vegetable salad in the other.

Radek checked the time. They hadn't set a time, so why did he feel like he was late?

"Good evening," Radek said.

Elizabeth closed her book and motioned for him to sit. "Exciting things happening in the lab?"

He looked for a long moment at the chair Elizabeth invited him to sit in, and then at the rest of the mess hall. The floors were swept and the windows clean. The place was nearly empty. Two scientists sat together near the wall, working on a flow chart Radek peeked at when he walked in.

"Not particularly." Radek put down his tray and took a seat. The chair creaked when he leaned back, but no one seemed to notice it. "Rodney was giving last minute instructions before he leaves tomorrow."

Elizabeth nodded. "Most of the planets they're visiting tomorrow are survey missions only. He might be back by the afternoon."

If Radek had learned anything, it was that nothing was ever routine for the 'gate teams. It made working with alien tech, Ancient or not, look downright predictable. Then there was that scurrilous rumor that Elizabeth and other higher-ups talked about adding Radek to Major Lorne's 'gate team. Apparently, inasmuch as Lorne was replacement-Sheppard, Radek was replacement-Rodney.

He never mentioned this to Elizabeth, or anyone else. He pretended it didn't exist and would deal with it when the time came—meaning, he would keep his mouth shut and do his job. He was getting good at that.

Still, the odds were good that planetary survey missions would yield only information interesting to botanists and geologists, and Sheppard and his team would return as soon as it was deemed safe for the more cerebral members of Atlantis.

"But I was hoping that we wouldn't talk about Atlantis…" she finished quietly.

"Understandable." Radek squinted at Elizabeth's book for a moment, noting that it was a science fiction novel, a yellowed trade paperback with block navy blue letters. "Is it good?" he asked, indicating the book with his fork.

Elizabeth picked up the book, like she had to be holding it to figure out what she thought of it. It was a relatively thin book with a good chunk ripped from the back cover somehow. "I don't know. I picked it up for fifty cents at a second-hand shop. I'm not sure… but I think it's almost a fictionalization of the Book of Mormon." She looked somewhat pleased and amused. She glanced at him with a bright smile. "I never used to read sci-fi. It didn't seem real."

Radek chuckled. He looked at the book and then at her. "It has been a long time since I read a novel." He was probably in grade school, come to think of it.

"Well, you can borrow it if you'd like. I'm not sure how good it is, though." Elizabeth set the book aside and contemplated her salad for half a moment. "I was hoping we could talk."

He hoped the same thing. Hoped they could talk about anything but Anna, actually. Not that he didn't like talking about Anna. But it was all he felt he ever talked about anymore. She was off Atlantis right now, safe with Teyla.

"I hope I didn't speak out of turn. On Christmas," he added, in case he'd spoken out of turn on more than one occasion. Not at all beyond the realm of possibility.

"I wanted to explain." Elizabeth's lack of assurance that he hadn't been presumptuous wasn't comforting. "I wanted to explain why I can't change the way things are now. It's not all about the split focus. I'm in a unique position on Atlantis. No one has the kind of responsibility that I do."

No one seemed to have the kind of responsibility that Radek did, either. No one had Rodney's kind of responsibility. With some exceptions, and those mostly limited to certain life scientists, everyone shared some unique and vital facet of concern for the survival of Atlantis. Everyone else was motivated by self-preservation to a large degree. Radek realized his stake in Atlantis grew more than he cared to admit. He didn't realize a few months ago how much more stress having Anna on Atlantis would add to his already-stressful job.

"And I don't mean just the possibility of Wraith taking over the city. It's much more… personal than that." She slid her book to one side. A chill crept down his spine when she turned her warm green eyes on his. "No one else on Atlantis is faced with the possibility of having to give an order to someone that would send them to their death as much as I am."

Collins. That wasn't her fault. She likely wasn't even thinking about Collins. No one ever did.

"You once told me that we're at war," Elizabeth said. "And in war, there are casualties."

Radek hesitated. However true that was, he didn't remember saying it. It must have sounded pretty good when he did, though, because she remembered it. "Well, that's true…" he allowed.

"At the time you were talking about the information in the Atlantis computer that we couldn't take with us. Just before the Wraith's siege of Atlantis." She smiled a little, probably at the simple fact they'd somehow survived that insanity. "Remember?"

"Hm." Radek remembered. Evacuation plans. The satellite. Grodin, another death that wasn't anyone's fault. Working on McKay's compression ratios into the night. Thinking he couldn't stay awake for three more minutes and working for another twelve hours anyway.

Thinking of Anna. Thinking she was home happy with her mother, wondering why Radek had sent a singular video message after all these years.

It wasn't that long after he found out that she wasn't home happy with her mother at all. She was at his sister's. She was waiting for him.

"We're safe on Atlantis, but once we step through the Stargate, there's war out there. I can't let my personal feelings for anyone change my assessment of what I know needs to be done." She sighed and shook her head helplessly. "If one of the casualties of this war is my friendships, then so be it."

He'd been sure before now; he knew that Elizabeth's job wasn't for the faint of heart and that he probably couldn't do it. He certainly wouldn't want to.

"It's already affected my judgement, as much as I hate to admit it."

"It has?" Radek supposed he wouldn't be able to tell unless he looked over all of her decisions from all time. But even then… decision-making was not some simple either-or question. A complex set of variables interacted with Elizabeth's set of options—options often determined only by her experiences and creativity. Who was to say what contributed to one course of action over another? Sometimes it seemed even Elizabeth had no choice to make.

"Yes. You're a perfect example." Elizabeth paused to cut a slice of tomato.

The moment gave Radek time to figure out how to respond to that—if to respond at all. Should he be flattered? Irritated? He didn't get to think about it further.

"I'm sure you've heard rumors of your placement on Lorne's team."

Radek paled. So, they weren't rumors. Would he be going offworld like Rodney and—no, just Rodney. Few scientists went off world to the wild worlds where they so often found Wraith. Scientists like Radek rarely went anywhere not deemed explicitly safe, and not without an escort devoted solely to protecting them. Rodney often didn't have that luxury.

He had Ronon. That counted as an army sometimes.

"I'm still weighing the options," Elizabeth said, "but I keep coming back to one thing." She squared her vision on him. Took a breath. "Anna."

Just when he thought he'd successfully kept Anna out of the conversation… It made sense, though. He would be lying to say he hadn't considered what would happen to her should—god forbid—something happen to him.

"Anna," he repeated. "I understand."

"Almost everyone has someone, some family of some kind. Rodney has a sister. Collins had his parents. But Anna only has you, and she's still young." Radek watched her sprinkle herbs and Parmesan cheese on her salad thoughtfully. "Don't try to tell me you haven't worried about that."

"I wouldn't, because I have," Radek said. There would be no point in lying, especially since the truth seemed to get him what he wanted: to stay on Atlantis and solely on Atlantis. Whether Rodney wanted adventure or had a death wish made no difference to him. Radek liked his sedentary, relatively safe life. Nevertheless, he bristled at the notion. "But you don't consider Anna my handicap?"

Elizabeth looked appalled. "That isn't what I meant."

"Isn't it?" After all, people tended to think about others' abilities in a largely negative fashion. This was Elizabeth's fear: others would see her relationships as impairing her judgement, her ability to do her job.

"Not at all. I don't see Anna as making you less able to do your job."

"Then why do you think others will see you that way if you have outside influence?" Radek asked.

Elizabeth didn't answer, except to smile a little.

"I like to think that Anna is a strength to me."

Elizabeth seemed to ponder that as she ate. When she was finished, she pushed her plate away and sighed. "Our loved ones can be a source of strength. But we can't deny they're a weakness, too, can we?"

Radek shrugged. He'd almost forgotten where this conversation started, and he had even less of an idea where it was going. "Producing virtually unlimited power creates unmanageable particles in our space-time that could tear the universe apart. Every strength has a weakness."

He glanced up as the two scientists rose, gathered their things, and left, leaving them alone.

Now, perhaps, he could be frank without worry of changing the way the expedition saw her. She just seemed so... sad all the time. Even when she was smiling. It didn't seem like anybody noticed. "Like I said at Christmas, I only want you to be happy." He looked down and tried to figure out whether to go on. "And I would understand if, um…" If—what? If he would never be a part of that happiness? He hadn't been this forward since… well, ever.

It was a crazy thing to think, after all, that he would be. It was crazy.

Elizabeth waited for Radek to straighten out his thoughts for maybe a full minute. "That's a very nice thing of you to say."

Radek looked down, nodded. It was a nice thing. Something no one else was crazy enough to say. Not even her closest friends here, apparently. Not even the people who supposedly cared the most about her, like Colonel Sheppard. Because Colonel Sheppard wasn't crazy.

Not in the same way Radek was crazy, anyway.

"I thought I was going to be strong enough for this," Elizabeth said softly. "I knew after running the SGC for just a few days, that it wasn't as easy as I wanted it to be. But I honestly thought that some of it was difficult because of mistakes that someone else made. I know that's naïve now, because every decision is a mistake."

"They're not mistakes," Radek interrupted.

"No, they are. There are no good decisions here. So much has happened that I didn't expect. I couldn't expect." She hesitated for a long time, but he could tell she was going to keep talking, so he just waited. Waiting for her was better than trying to say something himself. "So much happened back on Earth that I didn't expect, either."

Simon. She was talking about Simon. The man who stayed behind, who left her. Whatever life he had now, he couldn't fathom how much better it could be. He didn't know what he had, and he just let her go. Simon had no idea how lucky he had been, and maybe he'd never know.

It was a common condition, though. One Radek shared. He didn't know how lucky he'd been. He didn't know what he had. Some nights he imagined how much better it could have been.

This was a terrible mistake, wasn't it?

"It has been four months since you and Simon broke up, yes?" he asked.

Elizabeth looked down at the table, nodding while she did. "It didn't seem to take him quite so long to get over me, though, did it?" She smiled a little, ruefully.

"Sometimes we move on to forget how miserable we are."

"Did you seriously pursue another relationship after you divorced?" Elizabeth asked. She looked as confused to say it as Radek was to hear it. Her face flushed from embarrassment. "I'm sorry—that's none of my business."

"No, no, no, it's fine," Radek said quickly. "It doesn't matter anymore. The answer is… no. Not seriously."

He didn't think much about those days. He'd tried dating for a while, perhaps to put a mask on his unhappiness. When he was alone, he was discontented. When he was in company, he was guilty. When time wore off those two feelings, he was too lost in work to find his way out. He woke up one morning and realized he'd been hiding his pictures of Anna and Eliška in a drawer under hi chess board. Hiding wasn't working, and no one stayed long enough to look, either.

"I'm sorry. I should have known better. It's horrible etiquette to talk about past relationships on first dates." She laughed lightly.

"Oh, is this a first date?" Radek chuckled. "I'm underdressed."

Meanwhile he wondered if Elizabeth really meant that or if it was just an observation that didn't necessarily apply to this situation. It was bad etiquette, after all. Or else he'd seriously underestimated the attractiveness of a man floundering helplessly to reconnect with his fifteen-year-old daughter.

Elizabeth blushed again, but she didn't stop her laugh. She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know, Radek."

She sounded so lonely. Atlantis was a lonely place, for all the people here. After all, all of these people were well acquainted and content with making themselves an island. On Earth, most of them were seminal scientists—people to whom precious few could relate. On Atlantis, though surrounded by their intellectual equals, they were still very much alone. Probably because they'd simply gotten used to it. The military personnel had one another to relate to and obviously did well enough in that regard.

But however lonely it was for anyone else on Atlantis, it was for Elizabeth most of all. She was neither knowledgeable enough for the scientists, nor upfront enough for the military. She simply wasn't like the rest of them.

She was unique.

Radek shrugged. "I have nothing better to wear, anyway."

She graciously laughed, but seemed more distressed at what she'd just said than anything else.

Radek leaned forward on the table to catch her attention more securely. He looked into her labyrinthine eyes and reached across the table, not nearly close enough to touch. "Elizabeth, I don't know if you're right about the interaction between your judgement and close relationships. But I am happy to be your friend," he offered, even though he wasn't sure he meant the words just waiting to be said.

He would never be happy with just that, would he?

"Even if nothing else," he finished.

Elizabeth averted her eyes and smiled, took a deep breath. She put her hands on his. "Thank you," she said, so quietly he almost didn't hear.

Maybe he could live with just this, after all.

#

"Your quarters, I believe." Teyla stood outside Anna's door.

"Yes." Anna looked up at the ceiling and then back at the door, as though double-checking this was the correct door, somehow. They all looked the exact same, but she'd managed to only ever try to open the correct door so far. "Thank you for taking me with you." Anna glanced in as the door opened. "Would you like to come in?"

Teyla smiled, shook her head. "No. I must rest. We have a mission early tomorrow."

"Yes. I forgot." Anna waved and stepped into the room. "Good night, then. Sleep well."

"You, as well."

Anna turned toward the empty room, a little hurt that Radek wasn't here waiting for her. Maybe he'd gone to bed already… but that would be silly. It was only ten o'clock and he never went to bed that early as far as Anna could figure. They'd walked past the lab on the way here, and he wasn't there either.

Maybe he really was the kind of person to go to bed early, but hadn't had a chance to until now.

Anna put a kettle on the boiler. Her heart engaged itself in an on-again, off-again panic attack whenever she thought of Iskaan. Maybe tea would help calm her a little.

Anna took her usual seat on the floor in front of the couch and waited for the kettle to whistle. Then the door slid open.

She popped up from the ground. "Radek. Hello. Where were you?"

Radek grinned when he saw her. Happier than usual? "Eating. How was the mainland?"

"It was raining, but Gerald made crab soup. It was very good." She watched him come into the room, pause to gaze at the kettle as though baffled or very interested, and then continue to the couch.

Radek took a seat, glancing at her with a nod. "Good, good. I'm glad."

"Are you alright?" That wasn't quite the question that she wanted to ask, but she didn't know what else to say. He was acting strangely, and she couldn't just come right out and say that, especially since she wasn't sure which way he was acting strangely.

"Yes," he answered. He went right along before Anna could get a word in. "By the way, do you have that cable I lent to you? I looked for it everywhere…"

"Oh, yeah, it's in my room. I'll go get it." Anna went to get the cable, noticing to her dismay the letter she'd been trying to write to Collins' parents. She was sure there was a deadline for messages of this kind. Maybe she should ask…

But Radek was in such a good mood. She shouldn't ruin it, should she?

She was in a good mood earlier today, too. It wasn't fair that she was, of course. A galaxy away, Mr. and Mrs. Collins wept over the loss of their son. She picked up the cable and went out to the main room.

Radek was at the whistling kettle, pouring the steaming water into a mug. "Mint or…" He paused to smell the other pouch of herbs. "Is it blueberry?"

Anna nodded. "Mint is fine," Anna interrupted. She held out the cable, and they traded the tea for the tech. "I have a question."

Radek took his attention from his cable and turned it all on her. "I may have an answer."

"There's a deadline for sending Collins' things back with him?" Anna asked. "Is it tomorrow?"

Radek nodded, suddenly looking somber. "Yes. Tomorrow we will have the memorial service and send the casket and his things back through to Earth."

Anna sighed and nodded. "I wanted to write a letter to his parents, but I don't think I'll be done in time. It doesn't sound right."

Radek said nothing. Maybe he didn't know what to say. Or maybe there was nothing to say. The point was, what she had in her letter didn't quite cover everything she wanted to say. Her letter wouldn't change anything. Mr. and Mrs. Collins still lost a son.

"Maybe I shouldn't write it at all," she finished.

He shook his head emphatically at that. "No, no, you should. I think they will appreciate whatever you have to say. You were Collins's student. I think they will be happy to know how many people considered him important. Do you need help translating?"

Anna shook her head. If she was writing a letter, it would be just for the Collins'. And whoever vetted the letters for confidential content before sending them on. "I will finish it tonight." She sat down with her tea and contemplated what she was going to say.

She was sure whatever she said would be fine, like Radek said. After all, saying something was better than saying or feeling nothing at all.

Next time: What am I supposed to say when nothing I could say would make a difference anyway?