Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.

Previously: A few years ago… and about two or three months in story-time (in chapter 80)… Rodney is given a responsibility. It wasn't supposed to mean this, though.

Chapter 120. I Don't Want This.

"But surely I don't have to be here for this?" Radek wondered. He glanced around Lorne toward the forest. Somewhere, in that direction, the Stargate stood tall among the trees, all blue and majestic. One step through that, and he'd be back on Atlantis.

At least it wasn't snow and ice.

"What's wrong, Doc?" Lorne asked with a smirk. "Have something interesting planned in Lab 02?"

Maybe he wasn't so eager to get back. He and Rodney were planning on refining the Atlantis lockdown procedures.

Radek picked up his pace. As much as he hated to admit it, he was almost getting used to the weight of the flak jacket. Almost getting used to the feeling of the trigger guard resting under his finger. Just in case he ever wondered if there were some things he'd never get used to…

"It's the weekly detail," Coughlin spoke up. "If we get to suffer, you get to suffer."

"Oh, suffer," Radek threw back. "Yes, I know all about suffering. Every day I'm not stomping through the jungle on your heels, I'm working with McKay in the lab."

Reed laughed. "So, we're doing you a favor when you really think about it."

"Jen mě teď zabít." *

"No need to call names, Radar ^." Reed stomped past Radek, but he was grinning when Radek looked at him. That suffering bit, he really enjoyed that, didn't he? Or, maybe not, since he slowed his pace when he was beside Doctor Lindsay. "He gets grumpy when we make him go outside."

Lindsay smiled and glanced at Radek. "I'm sure you'll enjoy this, Doctor. The fishers catch a peculiar kind of fish that tastes like it's been cooked with soy sauce without any seasonings at all. I watched Deera prepare it once."

That sounded… unhealthy. Radek frowned, his mind momentarily drawn off Lab 02 and the woods.

Major Lorne had similar thoughts, apparently. "That's one salty fish."

Doctor Lindsay seemed to take that in the best possible way. "They have some wonderful teas to offset the taste. It's actually quite amazing. Their culinary customs practically revolve around this fish. Every other dish they prepare that I've had seem to be designed to complement the fish."

"Restauranteurs disguised as farmers and fishers." Reed glanced at Coughlin. "Aren't we lucky, get to explore one of those hidden gems of the Pegasus galaxy?"

"Luckiest damn 'gate team on Atlantis." Coughlin chuckled, pausing his step only for a moment to take in the little village that showed itself, peeking out between the trees in the distance.

As expected, a group of what seemed to be mostly farmers straightened from their work in the fields to observe their arrival. They looked mostly grim, probably tired from their day after day manual labor. One particular woman broke away from the others in her group to walk toward them.

"Welcome," she called, and she and Doctor Lindsay exchanged some pleasantries.

They were soon invited for tea. Radek couldn't say he was excited to taste this tea, or the fish, but if he was going to be forced to have one, he may as well also have the other. Doctor Lindsay seemed none the worse for wear after the soy fish. He could only imagine what sort of bland tea was destined to be served with this fish.

But Doctor Lindsay called them wonderful.

"This way, this way, please." Deera backed away a few steps, waving them to follow. "It is pleasing to have so many visitors."

"Yes, we're happy to be here." Doctor Lindsay swung into step with Deera.

Deera looked from her to Major Lorne, and then the others, as though confused and slightly upset that they were there. "May I ask, who are your friends?"

As Lindsay introduced them, Radek considered he might not be happy about having four strange men, three of which were large and with large guns, to his home for tea. He wasn't even sure he would be alright with the strange little scientist among them, perhaps especially because he also had a gun. Only Radek knew he wasn't very good with it.

Deera showed them into one of the few houses sitting in the village by the field. Radek noted it was well-constructed, better than he anticipated for the caliber of technology in food production. The walls and arches were expertly shaped stone bricks; the windows were glass. Multiple stories seemed study and strong. Though it wasn't a hot day outside, inside the structure was pleasantly cool. There were several windows giving light into the open space: it was larger inside than it seemed from the outside.

There was a kitchen area along the side wall of the house, a brick fireplace doing its part in holding up the loft above. Radek couldn't quite see what was on the loft, but it looked to be crates and bundles. Underneath the loft were several beds and a wooden door in the floor that he suspected led down to a cellar. The lamps in the place weren't lit, and it was empty except that they'd just come in.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Deera," Doctor Lindsay said, bowing her head for a long two seconds before spreading her hands. "How may I help you prepare for tea?"

Deera shook her head once, quick, then seemed to reconsider. "Yes. Yes, you can help here." Deera moved to one side and gestured at a small burlap sack. The two of them chatted pleasantly while they worked.

Coughlin leaned in over the table holding seven cards in his hand, face down. "Go Fish?"

Reed snapped the cards out of his hand, took one look at them, and went back to his semi-relaxed position with one hand resting on his weapon. "Do they have Go Fish where you come from, Radar?"

Radek took his seven cards and arranged them by suit. "Our decks have thirty-two cards."

Reed slammed his handful of cards on the table. "Thirty-two?

"Some of them."

"How the hell does that work?"

"Thirty-two and fifty-two are both evenly divisible by four. So I'd imagine it's the same but smaller." Lorne leaned back in his own chair and moved his cards around in his hands. "I think the suits we use are French."

Radek grinned at the look Reed was giving him.

"Excuse me, sir?" Reed laughed.

Radek wasn't sure, but Lorne might have been blushing as he glanced around the table. "I don't know, I just picked it up somewhere."

"You know what is also divisible by four?" Coughlin asked. "Forty-eight."

"I don't think I've ever played Go Fish," Radek said, redirecting the conversation back to something any of them (except Lorne, apparently) knew about. "At least not the name. Is it like a… oh, my god, what's the word? You get sets of cards when you have the highest one." He pulled out four of his cards (mismatching, but he wasn't going to show them the cards' faces anyway) to demonstrate.

"Tricks?" Reed sounded like he was guessing.

"Okay, tricks." Radek was about to go on but stopped himself. "Tricks? You mean like a magic…?"

Reed frowned. "Yeah? I guess?"

Lorne suddenly waved his hands like he was stopping traffic. "I don't know why it's a 'trick,' but, no, it's not like that. Go Fish is about the simplest card game there is. You collect all the cards with the same value. For example, twos of all the different suits."

"It's like Quartet," Coughlin said.

Radek looked at his cards and nodded. "Okay. How do you get them?"

"You ask." With that, Lorne looked up across the table. "Got any queens, Reed?"

"Go fish."

Lorne drew a card from the middle deck.

"Okay. I think I know this game." Radek looked at Coughlin for a moment and then back to Lorne. "Wait, do you lie about whether you have what they ask for?"

"No." Reed answered this time, obsessively rearranging his cards even though he'd already moved each card at least once by now. "No, the game kind of breaks if you lie."

"So it's not poker."

"Nope. No lying, no betting." Reed looked up straight across the table at Lorne and winked. "Finally a good game for you, eh, sir?"

"Ha."

Other than asking for different cards as they went around the table, they were quiet. Radek prided himself on his memory, though luck seemed to play into the game, too. He had three books before any of the others had one, which only did more to convince him that Go Fish was not particularly well-balanced.

One of the men from the village came into the house, shutting the door behind him. "Deera."

Lorne and Coughlin exchanged glances while Deera spun like she was reacting to a gunshot. Reed just moved his hand ever so slightly back on his gun, his finger still resting just above the trigger guard. Even though Radek had been carrying a handgun of his own for months now, he still wasn't that comfortable with it.

"Walk around your lab or quarters with it. Hold it properly, finger just under the slide; just like that. Unloaded, of course," Reed had suggested once. "It helps."

Radek wasn't even comfortable enough to do that.

But he liked to think he didn't react like that anymore. Especially when there wasn't even any shooting going on. He could now tell the difference between a gunshot and a popping circuit. And like he could now tell the difference between the timbre of one pop and another, whether it was maliciously directed or dangerously random, Deera probably could tell the difference in the timbre of this man's voice.

She shook her head ever so slightly. Radek might have not caught it if he hadn't been looking right at her.

"Yes?" she asked.

Radek thought he heard a forced pleasantness there.

"It's time."

"Is it?"

"What's wrong?" Lorne asked, not looking at Deera. Probably because she wasn't allowed to talk to him. "Something we can help with?"

"Maybe…" The man looked at Deera and then at Lorne. "I think she should leave." He nodded his head in Doctor Lindsay's direction. Then he looked at Radek.

Radek imagined, to the stranger, he looked a bit different from the other three. They all had the close-cut hair, the relaxed intensity that came from being shot at and shooting back on a somewhat regular basis.

"Who's he?" he asked.

Radek had the briefest of impulses to introduce himself by name, but Lorne cut him off. "One of us."

"Huh." The man nodded at Deera and said, "Take her back to the Well." What the villagers called the 'gate, Radek suspected. "We'll wait here for the others."

Deera moved quickly to shuffle Doctor Lindsay out the door. When Lorne, Reed, and Coughlin stood, Radek stood, too. He put his hand on the grip of his pistol, but he wasn't sure what he was going to use it for. If it would even be useful.

"My name's Major Evan Lorne," Lorne offered.

"Teask," the man said after Deera shut the door.

"Teask. What seems to be the problem?"

Teask took a deep breath and put one hand on the door. "Men with guns."

#

Rodney felt sick. He'd never felt this sick.

Other than the stern grimace, Sheppard didn't seem to be affected as he watched the medical team tote the body bags through the 'gate after them. Charred beyond recognition. Rodney couldn't tell they were from the Atlantis expedition at all except for the dog tags. Sheppard had found Lorne and Coughlin. Teyla found Reed and Rodney… Rodney found he wasn't cut out for this.

Sheppard strode past Rodney with purpose. Rodney shuffled along after him, for lack of anything else to do. He climbed up the steps one at a time, his head light and his legs heavy.

He followed Sheppard to the bridge leading to Weir's office. She noticed what was going on, obviously. Her window had the perfect view of people coming in from the 'gate. The people carried through the 'gate.

She burst through the door at the sight of the black bags and demanded, "What the hell happened out there?" She was terrified—her voice betrayed her even though she tried to keep a seal on it.

Sheppard inhaled sharply, and started talking. Unlike Weir, his voice was strong. Thick, but solid. Rodney was sure he couldn't do that. Couldn't just walk up like nothing was wrong, like nothing had happened, and give Elizabeth the low-down on their incinerated colleagues.

Their friends.

"Things were going along smoothly until our guys were attacked," Sheppard finished.

Rodney wished he would just get it over with. Just say it; just say they're dead.

John didn't. He waffled and gave gratuitous background information. Elizabeth listened intently, like the longer Sheppard just went on and on, the better the probability of this ending in good news.

It isn't good news, just tell her…

Who was going to tell her?

"They were in one of the houses. Someone burned it down," Sheppard finished with a sigh.

Elizabeth looked from John to Rodney, her eyes dark and questioning, but she didn't say anything.

"All of them were in there, Elizabeth." Rodney let his eyes flicker away so he wouldn't have to see her reaction. The way her shoulders hunched just a little and she took a short, quick breath.

"All…?" she whispered. "Lorne and Reed and—and Zelenka? By who?" She didn't even pause long enough to get the answer to her first question. Maybe because she knew the answer. And she knew they couldn't tell her the answer to the second, either. "What about…?"

What about Anna? Rodney dreaded that question the whole walk back.

Chuck leaned back in his chair to get a clearer look at the gathering on the walkway suspended over the hall below. "Unscheduled offworld activation," he announced, and bent over his console again.

Elizabeth regained her composure, wiping her eyes and walking behind Chuck's console. "What have we got?" Elizabeth leaned on the back of Chuck's chair and focused on the Stargate's spinning lights.

"No IDC…" Chuck reported, and paused to check some other readings. "But we are receiving a pretty weak transmission on the VHF band. Audio and video." He glanced back at Elizabeth for further instruction.

She didn't give any.

"Let's see it," Sheppard said.

A familiar face flickered on the screen. Rodney didn't remember his name, but he was one of Kolya's henchmen. He introduced himself as Ladon Radim. Rodney didn't remember much about that night except that he was wet, freezing, and he'd almost been shot a couple dozen times.

"It's one of Kolya's men…" Sheppard didn't sound exactly enthused.

"Yeah, I know who it is," Elizabeth snapped. "We can't answer, though. We need the Genii of all people to believe Atlantis has been destroyed."

"I know we got the word out," Sheppard said defensively.

Rodney waited for Ladon to finish explaining how he knew they were alive, by just watching 'gate teams dial Atlantis. Rodney thought any child could have guessed that, but no one was paying attention. Maybe their minds weren't in full gear. But neither was his.

Who was going to tell Anna?

"Your secret is safe as long as you respond to this transmission." Ladon waited.

Elizabeth sighed and looked to Sheppard. "What about Anna?"

Rodney took a deep breath, wondering why he was about to say what he was about to say. But he wasn't needed here and Elizabeth would break down crying before she got there. Rodney was the most available person. He liked to think that he knew Anna well enough…

"I'll tell her," he said, his voice raspy. He cleared his throat. "I'll tell her. You guys have things—I'll tell her."

Elizabeth blinked at him.

"It's fine." Rodney backed away, turning his eyes off to the distant corner of the room. "She needs to hear it from someone directly before… you know, before it gets around."

Elizabeth nodded and then turned back to the screen. She took a deep breath. Just as Ladon started his spiel over again, she announced, "We hear you. This is Weir."

Rodney dragged himself up the stairs to the transporter, wondering if Anna was still going to be in the lab where he left her just a few hours ago. Before the mission. What was happening while they sat debating the merits of Asgard shielding's power consumption?

This wasn't fair.

Rodney leaned into the doorway of Radek's lab—realizing too late that it couldn't be his lab anymore because he wasn't here. Should he have rehearsed something to say on the way here? Probably… Anna didn't notice him standing there for several seconds. She studied a monitor filled with Asgard/Human coding, schematics of the Daedalus, and, for some reason, an overlay of Atlantis's Ancient shielding system.

"Anna?" He tried speaking, but, well, that could hardly be called a "try." More like an abject failure.

She looked up anyway, immediately, and slid off her chair to stand in the aisle beside the desk. Rodney thought she should be sitting. Who knew what she would do… He opened his mouth, but no words came. She somehow got the substance of the message his words couldn't form.

She shriveled like a crumpled sheet of paper. "What happened?""

"Anna, I'm sorry; there was—" It was harder to say than he thought.

"No, no, no, no." She already started crying. "Where is he? What happened?"

"No, Anna," Rodney said, trying to find his voice again. Please, don't cry—what did you think was going to happen, McKay? "There's nothing—I'm sorry. He's, um…" He couldn't say it—and why couldn't he say it? "Radek's gone."

She took a few steps toward him, and started running. She ran for the door, maybe trying to get past him, but he caught her arms before she could escape.

"Let me go, Rodney, let me go!"

She shoved him, but he didn't let go. He wasn't sure why. Seemed like a bad idea.

"Where are you gonna go, Anna, huh?" he asked, trying to catch back the breath she'd knocked out of him. He flinched at another attempt to loosen his grip. "You can't go to the infirmary, okay? You just…" Rodney remembered the violent churn his stomach pulled, and that was even before he found out who it was he was looking at and…

She shouldn't see that.

Her fight went out just a second later, so he let go of her tentatively.

Anna covered her head with her arms. "Rodney?"

Rodney grimaced at the sound of her scraping in another breath. She stumbled into the doorframe, clutching her stomach as she slid to her knees.

He swiped his brimming tears away, and sat beside her on the floor. She wasn't crying, not saying anything, just staring. Shouldn't he do something? But what? She mumbled words in Czech that he didn't understand. He didn't know a single word of Czech, not even any of the bad ones that Radek called him. He didn't know how to say "hello" or "goodbye" or "I'm sorry."

He didn't realize how much he'd want to know that last one.

"Anna, um…" He sat next to her and looked around, as though afraid someone would see him, see that he had no idea what to do. She leaned her head against the doorframe and blinked. "Anna, I'm sorry," he whispered.

He didn't expect her to answer. And she didn't. Not for a long time.

Rodney contemplated how long he was going to sit here on the floor with her, and decided it didn't much matter. He was going to sit here for as long as she did. It gave him time to wonder what was going to happen to her now that Radek was gone.

Radek. Gone.

He put his forehead in his hand and shut his eyes.

A few seconds later, he felt Anna lean on his arm. He opened his eyes and looked at her, not moving otherwise. Her forehead rested against his upper arm as she sniffled.

He never wanted anything like this, he never imagined—what was he supposed to do?

"What do I do?" she asked quietly.

It took him a moment to realize she hadn't somehow read his thoughts. Rodney didn't have an answer and couldn't move, even though the muscles in his back were already getting tired from his awkward hunch that hadn't seemed that awkward just moments ago. "I, uh… I have no idea," he answered, and this was the one time in his life he realized he felt remotely comfortable, even at home saying those words.

Anna expelled a huge, shaking sigh and finally removed her head from its resting place on his arm. She looked up at him, and he saw the tears brimming in her eyes. Then she looked back into the lab where her homework sat on the desk across the pathway from Radek's. His was a mess, but the prominent piece of decoration, a photo of Anna, was nicely framed and surrounded by little baubles that were shaped like acorns but all the wrong colors.

"Where…" She took a shuddering breath and started again. "Where is he?"

"Here. Um." Rodney gulped at the lump in his throat and pointed away in the basic direction of the infirmary even though Anna wasn't watching him. "In the infirmary. I mean. Next door."

Anna whimpered at the mention of the room next to the infirmary. Basically, the morgue. Anna had seen more than her fair share of rooms like that, hadn't she? First her mother, then…?

Every time Rodney got even close to thinking directly about Radek, all he saw was a charred corpse. The skull, mostly. Eyes and nose missing, jaw gaping. The skin was probably gone, the muscle mostly. He looked away when he was there in person, but the image in his head was invasive.

She pushed herself up off the floor and took a shaky step away from him.

Rodney didn't rise. "Where are you going?"

She waved her hands in a hopeless, helpless, clueless gesture. Didn't answer.

He didn't know why he'd asked. He looked up from his seat on the floor, feeling oddly at home there, too.

"The infirmary, I guess."

"I don't think you want to go there."

"No, I don't."

To Rodney's relief, she turned her back to the doorframe and slid down again. She landed hard, facing him, but looking up at the ceiling. Also to his relief, even though the sound of it knocked the air out of him and felt like someone was squeezing his ribs tight on the organs inside, Anna sobbed.

"What happened, Rodney? What happened?"

He didn't know again. "I, uh… I'm going to find out."

She nodded, and looked at him. She sniffed, wiping her eyes and nose with her wrist. "And… what happens to me?"

Rodney took his eyes off her, knowing the answer this time. But that hurt. It hurt a lot. Once, not too long ago… Radek asked him to take care of her while he was gone. He wasn't sure he could do that. But he was sure he was going to try.

Czech Things

*Just kill me now.

^Explanation of Radek's nickname "Radar" in chapter 69.

A/N: This turned out to be, uh. Way more complicated than I was hoping for. I should be able to keep up with the one chapter per week thing, but I'm rewriting almost everything I had written beforehand. Which was everything. Suffice it to say, I'm real confused about how much time passes in this episode. Real confused. And I've watched it a few times now. What the heck.

Thank yous

GhostMizoriMidnight - I'm glad you enjoyed that bit! I think I do everyone with a bit more sass than they actually have sometimes, but it makes for fun writing, so I'm not going to complain. And you're right. About the labs. And certainly the hugs. I fear everyone is in need of a hug, but... I think there isn't time for that now. Tyranny of the urgent.

Next: Not okay, not okay, not okay.