Reminder:
"This is spoken English."
"This is spoken Czech."
This is a thought.

Previously: Radek is in huge trouble (since chapter 120, but things took a terrible turn last chapter) somewhere offworld, and presumed dead on Atlantis. All in all, not great times to be had around here. But Rodney remembers once, not too long ago, Radek told him to take care of her (chapter 80)…

Chapter 123. It Was Love.

"If he's breathing, just let him sleep."

The voice was foggy, like something on the other side of a dream, but close. Radek was sure he hadn't been sleeping. He didn't feel like he'd been sleeping, but probably no sort of sleep in a Genii prison cell after being shot felt like sleep.

Next, he heard Reed chime in. "I want to sleep."

Coughlin spoke next, his tone incredulous as he continued what apparently had been an ongoing conversation. "And if he's not breathing? Am I supposed to wake him up?"

"Ideally." Despite the morbid conversation, Major Lorne chuckled. "It's not a concussion. I'm pretty sure it won't hurt anything. But I'm not a doctor. What the hell do I know?"

"He's not bleeding anymore, so you obviously did something."

"I applied coagulant. I am to a doctor as someone who heats up a microwave dinner is to a chef."

Radek looked around the cell, and Coughlin noticed, probably because he was kneeling right next to him. "Hey, look. Not dead. How you feeling, Radar?"

"I feel like that's a stupid question."

Radek didn't mean to snap, but apparently his reaction gave Coughlin considerable happiness. He patted Radek's shoulder. "Good, glad to hear it."

"How long…?" He noticed his mouth was dry as he spoke this time, but it was something of a welcome feeling. It was better than feeling and tasting the blood from his "nicked" lung on his tongue.

"Not long, maybe four hours…"

Nobody was coming, were they? He didn't ask, for fear they'd agree. Atlantis thought they were dead. Radek was on his way there, and if Reed didn't beat him there, he would be next. Lorne and Coughlin would wait until they starved to death or otherwise outlived their usefulness.

That was an unwelcome thought… His own death, he figured, he could deal with. He just wouldn't think about it and then he wouldn't think. Easy.

Right now, his biggest concern was not imagining what Anna would be going through. And it was hard to think about anything so abstract as his daughter contemplating being orphaned at sixteen. Well, to be fair, it was abstract to him. To her, it was a grim reality.

But Reed's death, Lorne, Coughlin? He was supposed to be able to do something about that.

Damnit, Rodney could do it.

"Why aren't we dead yet?" Radek wondered.

Lorne sighed, but Radek couldn't see him. Didn't know where he was. "I don't know."

"They didn't really punish us for trying to escape, not even for—"

"It's pretty obvious they want us alive for something, but not bad enough to make sure we don't die." Lorne interrupted Coughlin, and Radek wondered why for a second. He didn't have time to put it together. "If all they wanted more samples, they'd have killed us or dumped us by now."

"Can they trade something for us?" Radek asked.

"We don't have anything to trade. Atlantis is gone; what could they want?"

At least, that was what they wanted the galaxy to believe. But what if they didn't? What if they knew? "I think they know… exactly what they want."

The long pause told Radek that Major Lorne completely understood his meaning, while Coughlin's muttered, "Or maybe they're taking a shot in the dark," provided what would have been a perfect cover if anyone else had been listening.

"And there's nothing we can do about it," Major Lorne said.

And so, Radek thought, he was going to die. Here. On another planet, in another galaxy. Not the first time he'd thought that, so it was hard to think this would be the last time. But Atlantis didn't know why they were here, and they didn't know where here was.

Their only hope was that Atlantis somehow knew they were alive, knew where they were. If only they could get to them in time.

Good thing Rodney had worked more miracles with less.

#

Anna bolted upright, catching back her breath from what felt like a scream. She felt hot tears on her face, her chest seizing with a sob. Arms wrapped around her and pulled her close. She wasn't sure who it was, but she held onto that arm as tightly as she could.

The nightmare she had as she slept was the same one she woke up to.

"Nightmares?" Elizabeth asked, hushing her gently and stroking her hair.

Anna nodded dumbly, whimpering her answer as she tried to explain. "It was on fire, hořící; oh, no, oh, no…" She pressed a hand to her head. "Elizabeth—"

Elizabeth shushed her again, rocking her. "I know, I know."

"No, no, you didn't see them." Anna didn't know if that was true. She didn't mean those stiff carbonized bodies in the morgue. That, Anna hadn't seen, but Elizabeth had. "They were screaming."

"No, no, no, Anna," Elizabeth whispered. She pulled Anna away from her for just a moment to look into her eyes. Elizabeth's eyes glazed with tears, her hair was more a mess than Anna had ever seen it. Still nice… but really all over the place. "No, that's not how they died."

"How do you know?"

Anna turned her eyes back into Elizabeth's arm. Even if it wasn't, she wasn't sure she could ever get that image out of her head. The burning cabin, flame engulfing the walls and the floor… Radek. Anna pulled at a handful of her hair, as if that would pull the picture from her mind. It was only replaced with a white tag on a black bag.

R Zelenka.

"I know, sweetheart." Elizabeth went back to rocking her gently, running her fingers through Anna's wet hair. "You know, when people are burned alive, they don't lie like that."

Anna caught in a breath and looked up. "They don't?"

Elizabeth shook her head. She seemed so sure. "No, they don't. They didn't die in that fire."

She didn't know why that was a comfort, but it was. She didn't know if it was true. It didn't chase away those images in her head, though.

While she waited to get her breath back, Elizabeth hugged Anna even closer. "They didn't," Elizabeth whispered, maybe more for herself this time than for Anna.

"What happened to them, then?"

A dozen more pictures flooded in, pictures of torture or execution; she couldn't see. Her breaths came quick and shallow. She couldn't speak. She could barely hear, even though she wanted desperately for Elizabeth to explain to her what happened to Radek. Wanted Elizabeth to tell her that he didn't suffer.

"Anna, Anna, love." Another voice joined Elizabeth's, a calming tone that started speaking Czech when she didn't respond. "Come on, now, look at me." When she didn't, shaking her head past her shallow breathing, Doctor Beckett tried again. "Please, look at me. There you go. There you are. Breathe in, in through the nose."

Anna really didn't want to go through breathing exercises with Doctor Beckett of all people, but it was hard not to, her eyes on his as he breathed in rhythm.

"And out. Okay?"

Anna nodded as she got her breath back. Her heart beat slowed. The images stayed, and so did her tears.

Doctor Beckett handed her a glass of water and a pill.

She looked at it. "What is it?"

"It'll help you calm down. Sleep for a few hours."

Anna shook her head. "No. No, I don't want to sleep."

Doctor Beckett closed her fingers over the pill when she tried to give it back. "You need rest." When Anna offered a weak objection about nightmares, Doctor Beckett assured her, "No nightmares, okay? Just sleep."

The little pill in her hand didn't look too threatening. But she felt like she'd been sleeping, like maybe she'd been asleep all of the last two days. They blurred together, the sun's rising and falling outside having no bearing on what felt like reality to her. And nothing did. Nothing seemed like reality anymore.

She was going back to Earth. And she'd known for a long time that leaving Atlantis was leaving home. She just didn't know that leaving Radek was leaving home, too. Not really. Not soon enough.

"What's going on?"

Anna looked across the infirmary to the doorway. Rodney came in, though obviously for no good reason. No good reason than to witness Anna's being a basket case. He came up next to her, squeezing her shoulder in an awkward show of support before looking to Doctor Beckett and Elizabeth for answers.

"Hm?" he prodded. Rodney glanced to Anna when Doctor Beckett didn't answer quickly enough for him. "You okay? I mean, you know, within reason?"

What was reasonable? Anna shrugged, pulled the glass of water Elizabeth was trying to give her into her hand. Throwing back the pill, she listened to Doctor Beckett try to explain in diplomatic terms that Anna had just given herself a panic attack.

"Oh, I see." Rodney said it like he understood, but he didn't. Not really. He put his hands in his pockets and looked around. Pulled up a chair from along the wall. "Worse, then."

Anna nodded.

Rodney looked at Elizabeth, like there was maybe something he needed to talk to her about.

Elizabeth either didn't want to talk or figured they could talk later, when Anna was off to her medicated, dreamless sleep. She pulled Anna to her, wrapping her arms around her as if trying to protect her from something.

"It's okay," Anna whispered. If she hadn't slept in two days, then the weekly call to Earth was coming up quick. Anna looked up at Elizabeth. "Am I going back to Earth when you call next? It's probably soon, right?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "Not unless you want to. We're keeping…" She hesitated, took a deep breath, and redirected her words. "We haven't even packed any of your things. The update is tomorrow, and we won't be ready by then. You can stay the next week until everything is ready."

Anna considered that. Pulled the sheet covering her legs between her fingers and rubbed it idly. It was coarse and thin, like every hospital sheet she'd ever come into contact with.

It wasn't fair; it just wasn't fair. Why her? How could she lose both her mother and Radek, just over a year apart? How did that happen? Did the universe hate her?

Nobody in the circle around her missed the tears rolling off her nose a few seconds later.

"Do you want to stay?" Rodney asked.

Anna nodded, head against Elizabeth's shoulder. She didn't mean just this week, either, but nobody would accept that. It didn't matter, because Radek already made arrangements for her. She'd go back to his sister. Again. His sister, who knew nothing about the universe. Who had a child of her own, who tried to show Anna equal love and consideration, but… Anna was just too good. Too quiet. Emílie appreciated Anna's quiet maturity, but… she was quiet.

Like Radek. He was quiet. Just because they were quiet didn't mean they didn't exist.

How did she become this? This socially-awkward, intelligent, and clueless girl. How could she think her emotionally-distant, genius, and yet oblivious, father was the only person in two galaxies who understood her?

The next time Anna looked up, Rodney was looking at Elizabeth, his hands spread apart as if to ask what he was supposed to do. "She wants to stay."

"Rodney," Elizabeth whispered in what sounded like disappointment.

"You can ask, hm?" Rodney said.

"You—you know what, we'll talk later."

"Talk about what?" Anna asked.

Elizabeth's green eyes glinted with indignant fury. "Nothing, Anna," she said quietly, glancing at Rodney.

"Oh, for god's sake," Rodney mumbled, looking at Anna. "You want to stay on Atlantis, don't you? That's what you told me, isn't it?"

Anna nodded a little. She had said that. Maybe not in so many words, exactly, but that was what she wanted. Not because she wanted to stay, but more because she didn't want to go to Earth. She didn't have anything left anywhere. At least, if she was here, she could continue doing the things she'd been doing. She could learn about all these crazy and wonderful things, something she could never do in her aunt's house.

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Elizabeth said. "We can't keep her here, even if any of us wants that. And," she added a bit testily, "it's just one insult too many to think that you know better than he did what's best for his daughter, isn't it?"

"Okay, but I do." Rodney stood, as if ready to fight. Maybe run away. Hard to tell with Rodney sometimes.

"Rodney."

Rodney gestured helplessly outside the infirmary. "Look, that's not the point. The point is that Anna meant more to Radek than anything in the universe. Hell, Elizabeth, he would have stayed on Earth if not for some diplomatic wrangling on my part."

"Rodney."

"He wanted the best for Anna. Right? You said that."

"I think—"

"Here. This is the best place for Anna."

"That's enough."

Elizabeth's voice was quick and rough and fuzzy. Maybe it was the whole room that was fuzzy. Anna didn't think that sleeping pills worked that fast, but maybe they did. Or maybe she was just tired. Tired of being awake, feeling things, thinking things, and sleeping was the only way she knew to escape.

#

She had somehow fallen asleep. Even with the raised voices and the heightened emotions. Elizabeth had put a solid grip on her emotions and her voice stayed level the whole time. She was irritated with him, yes, but he'd heard more raised voices the time he blew up a solar system. Didn't know how she did it.

Rodney felt like a child begging to keep a stray animal he'd found in a gutter somewhere. It wasn't a fair comparison, because Anna wasn't a muddy kitten, helpless and ultimately worthless to the universe. Rodney didn't know if he believed that humans were any more worthy than cats, but he did know one thing. He was a child who could only barely handle the responsibility and time of taking care of a cat. Never mind a sixteen-year-old.

It was stupid. He couldn't believe he'd had the nerve. Rodney had other responsibilities he'd rather see to, other responsibilities he was much more competent and qualified for.

"Rodney." Elizabeth was talking again, her tone harsher than before. "You can't talk to Anna like that. She's terrified, confused, and very, very vulnerable. Of course, she'd want to stay here. Her whole life may change in just a few days, again. In the face of such uncertainty, anybody would want one thing to stay the same. Even if that one thing isn't good for them."

Rodney followed Elizabeth as she stalked from the infirmary, leaving Anna's care in Carson's capable hands. "I didn't bring it up, okay?" Defensive. Not the way to go. He tried to pull his tone back into its normal range, his emotions back into the box where they normally played nice and freaked out only at imminent death. This wasn't an imminent death situation, so why—? "I wouldn't have thought of it if not for her."

"Are you blaming her for this?" Elizabeth turned to him in the empty hallway leading to the transporter.

"No!" Rodney hesitated after his outburst. Was he? No. He wasn't. "I'm saying we can't dismiss what she wants out of hand just because Radek wasn't sure what circumstances he'd make by bringing her here. Circumstances that would change what the best thing for her would be. Atlantis is her home."

"She has a home and family on Earth, Rodney!" Elizabeth said, gesturing vaguely toward the central tower, as if the 'gate was somehow in the direction of Earth. "People who will take care of her, be there for her, and love her, and that's what she needs."

"Okay, but I love her, too."

Wait, did he? Where did that come from? And what did that mean?

"I mean…" Rodney listened to his voice slink away into the shadows. He didn't know what to say anymore, but he couldn't take back what he'd just said. He wasn't sure what it meant, but he wasn't even sure he wanted to take it back. He dejectedly hit the dot for the central tower. "You know," he finished, and hoped to god Elizabeth knew.

Elizabeth looked as shocked as Rodney felt for a moment. Maybe it was amazement. Was Meredith Rodney McKay capable of love? Did he know what that meant? Anyone else would have been insulted, but it wasn't debatable for him. He didn't easily… feel. Only in times of great stress or loss, and even then it managed to just look like anger. Anger wasn't unfair, not like grief was. At least anger was effective sometimes. How could you die? You were good at what you did and now the city will have to get along without you.

Maybe it wasn't love; it was selfish.

Elizabeth finally finished her search for words. "And that's… I'm glad that you have built a relationship with Anna. And I know that Anna will want you to keep in touch no matter what, but you aren't…"

"I know, I know…" Rodney muttered. "I'm not qualified. Sorry. Radek was qualified. He'd know better."

He hoped that Elizabeth saw the irony of Rodney's last words as Rodney left her standing in the transporter to just think about that. The very idea that Radek would be more qualified than Rodney for almost anything was pure and simple laughable.

Neither of them were the least bit qualified for raising a child, but, here they were, trying to do their best for her. Maybe no one was qualified for this kind of thing and they just made it up as they went. Maybe love was the qualifier. And he didn't even know what that meant. Radek probably didn't know, either.

On the other hand, Radek had been married once, and Rodney still hadn't come close. To be fair, he was younger than Radek. By a year or something. It counted. At least, he hoped so.

In no way did it count. Rodney was less than a novice with the whole notion. The past few years, he thought it was just because he was getting bored with the same old save-the-world routine and riding on Samantha Carter's coattails when he very well could have been great himself. Should have been great. Coming to Atlantis made him realize that wasn't it, but at least he could ignore it.

Doctor Brown threw the rest of his lonely life into perspective. He didn't think he'd regret it when he was younger, living and working the way he had. He didn't regret it, but sometimes he wanted to.

Maybe it wasn't love.

How was he supposed to know? Love couldn't be quantified or even operationalized in any fashion Rodney would find acceptable. As far as Rodney was concerned, love didn't exist. Could he miss something that didn't exist?

He didn't realize he had been standing in the hallway quietly, still, until he looked up and saw Elizabeth looking at him in honest concern. Her head tilted to one side, a small smile twitching at the corner of her mouth even though her eyes brimmed with tears.

"Rodney," she said, as though surprised. "You really care about them."

Rodney shrugged, unsure why he suddenly felt defensive. "Of course, I do," he snapped. "I said that, didn't I?"

"You did, but…" Elizabeth cut herself off. Clearly didn't know how to continue, didn't know how to handle this Rodney McKay.

Whatever the hell that meant. Rodney didn't know how to handle him, either. "Look." He sighed. "I know Radek would want the best life for Anna. He wouldn't have brought her here if he thought it would be better for her on Earth, right?"

"The best life for her would have been on Earth if Radek were there," Elizabeth said.

"And he's not going to be there now, either."

Elizabeth pursed her lips. "I doubt any government on Earth would agree to give custody of a sixteen year old to the deceased's colleague over his surviving relative."

"But you think I wouldn't be an awful guardian?"

Elizabeth didn't answer, walking toward her office in the tower. Rodney didn't follow. He knew he wouldn't be awful. He would be neglectful, probably, have no idea what to do about birthdays and holidays that Radek suddenly thought had some importance beyond being another day they'd managed to survive in a universe doing its best to kill them.

He didn't know what he was talking about. He only knew that he meant what he said, as much as was possible for him. He loved Anna. For no reason he could find, he wanted her to have a good life, to be happy and successful. He wanted to be a part of it. He liked to believe each of them genuinely appreciated the other's existence, and sometimes that was as good as it got. But existence was little good without presence, wasn't it?

He liked having her here, and would miss her when she wasn't.

Maybe it was love. Maybe it wasn't.

But he was going to miss it.

Thank yous

Jedi - You're very welcome; thank you for reading! I suppose there are a few ways she could try to stay longer on Atlantis... I have a hard time imagining anyone but perhaps Iskaan successfully (and seriously) hiding her from the rest of the expedition, but that would have been a fun thing to pursue.

Next: Trying to start something, trying to end something.