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Chapter 556 Strange Meeting for SAMCRO

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Author's Note: I deliberately mixed up Tig's pronouns in this chapter to reflect her impaired state.

A variation of this chapter first appeared in chapter 1 of my story Strange Times for SAMCRO under MVeneer. It was going to be an epic comedy story about SOA fighting against the VPUs Vespa Purple Unicorns, the most vicious of all the Vespa scooter clubs whose membership consisted of ex-Special Forces members. I still like the idea and it was going to be great—check it out if you don't believe me, but not enough readers saw my vision, so I moved on without finishing it. Sadly that means there will be no SAMCRO talent show, but there was a dick measuring contest. I'm disclosing this in case there might be one rare unicorn reader who read the story and remembered and I don't want anyone to think I'm copying from another writer.

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Tig realized she wasn't quite normal. It had nothing to do with being a remorseless serial killer who believed Jax Teller had the power to kiss him and magically transform her into his true self—a beautiful woman. It wasn't the weed she'd smoked to calm his nerves. It was the brownies.

Just as he'd had one bite of his second brownie left, Chuckie rushed in and told her the brownies had magic mushrooms in the frosting. The frosting had tasted kind of like dirt, but it was sweet and tangy with cream cheese so she'd eaten them anyway. She finished the last bite of brownie unconcerned about the effects of the psychedelic mushrooms. He'd felt no ill effects, but now, fifteen minutes later, the world was beginning to look a little strange.

The key to handling drugs and alcohol was to keep your mouth shut so no one knew you were impaired. This was very important because if he opened his mouth, she didn't know what he might say. He was worried that she might start talking about his love for killing women, the women he'd killed or her love for Jax. If this happened, he would be finished. All she had to do was keep his mouth shut. Keep his mouth shut. Keep her mouth shut. Keep his mouth shut. The words repeated over and over in her head. Now she could see the words in blue neon on the walls. It was nice the hallucinations were cooperating and helping her.

He took his place at Clay's right hand, her lips pressed tightly together as Clay brought the gavel down bringing the meeting to order.

Clay looked at Jax and Tig could hear Clay's thoughts. He was thinking that Jax always had to be the center of attention with his movie star looks and charisma.

"I've made some personal decisions," Bobby said. "I'm not going to do the Elvis thing anymore. It's over. It's tired. I'm working on doing a Michael Jackson tribute act. I want to show you my dance moves."

Tig clocked the table. No one was laughing. How could Bobby be serious? He was a big fat white guy. Pretty much the opposite of Michael Jackson. And what the hell was going on with his hair? He had braids studded with bright blue (SAMCRO blue) beads all over his head. He even had braids in his beard. He was a freaking freak show. And Michael Jackson didn't wear braids. What the hell was up with that?

Bobby got heavily to his feet and began to sing the opening bars of "Beat It" and doing the moon walk. He lifted his pant legs to reveal he was wearing silver glitter socks and brown loafers. Tig felt a surge of anger. That was not proper biker attire.

"You can't wear glitter socks." Clay banged his gavel. Tig could feel Clay's fury as he read his mind. He was white hot mad about the glitter socks because Outlaw Bikers were the epitome of macho in this politically correct nightmare world of pussy whipped men. SAMCRO had to have some standards. All the other charters would laugh their asses off at them.

"It doesn't say that in the by-laws," Jax said. He had a large wad of bubblegum in his mouth and he blew a big bubble and popped it.

Piney, who had been sleeping, jumped

"Who's shooting at us?" Piney demanded.

"Sorry Piney. I popped a bubble," Jax said.

"The by-laws don't have to spell out little things like that. Some things are just understood," Clay said.

"I think we should take a vote," Jax said.

"I think you should shut the hell up," Clay said, "and we don't have to take a vote on that."

"What do you guys think of my new act?" Bobby asked.

"You don't look like Michael Jackson," Juice pointed out. Tig mentally commended Juice for his remarkable grasp of the situation. No one else seemed to have spotted the flaw in Bobby's plan and she was keeping his mouth shut.

"Damn it," Bobby swore. "I didn't think of that." He returned to his seat, crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "I'll stick to Elvis and you won't have to vote on the glitter socks."

Clay reached up and caught the front of his hair in one of his motorcycle rings. He tugged and the front of his hair came off exposing a four inch bald spot in the front of his head.

Tig couldn't control himself. A short bark of laughter escaped from her lips before he slapped a hand over her mouth to keep all the words inside where they needed to stay. She always suspected Clay wore a lace front wig.

Jax spit out his gum and handed it to Clay.

"Thanks," Clay said. He spread the gum on his head and reattached the portion of his hairpiece that had been ripped off by his ring.

Jax shoved six more sticks of bubble gum into his mouth and began to chew enthusiastically.

"I got some information from the doctor today," Chibs said, his voice was sad. "I have never been able to figure out why I was such a pussy and let Jimmy O'Phelan kick me out of Belfast and take my wife and daughter as his family. The doctor said I have low T."

"What the hell does that mean?" Clay demanded.

"He's not as male as he should be," Kozik said.

"Son of a bitch!" Clay exclaimed. "How much woman are you?"

"Not enough for me," Bobby said snickering.

Bobby was shaking his head making the beads click together. The sound got under Tig's skin. Her fingers itched with the need to rip the braids from Bobby's head. He took a couple of calming breaths.

"All I need to do is take some testosterone. I'll get my T back and then I'm going to Ireland and kick Jimmy's ass."

"We ought to just lure him over here and kill him," Jax said before blowing his first bubble with his new gum. "Tell him we're thinking about buying guns from the Irish again."

"That's obvious," Clay snapped. Tig touched her temple and read Clay's thoughts. Damn Jax. He was always trying to be the smart one by saying the most obvious thing. He'd like to punch a few dents into that perfect face of his and toughen him up. Tig smiled. He liked hearing Clay's thoughts.

There were some dancing pink teddy bears on the table about four feet high. None of the guys appeared to notice. Maybe things existed in the world that ordinary people couldn't see but they were there. Like there were sounds human ears couldn't hear. Maybe the drugs just let him see what was really in the world.

"OK. I don't care where I kill him just as long as I kill him. You guys should also get yourself checked. The doctor told me that it isn't a shameful condition and doesn't make you any less of a man."

"It does to make you less of a man. You don't have enough testosterone," Bobby said.

"You better shut up," Chibs said making a fist with his hand.

Clay banged his gavel.

"That's enough."

"We should take a vote," Jax said.

"I've had just about enough of you," Clay said, pointing the gavel at Jax. Jax blew a giant bubble to show Clay how much he cared.

Tig felt a stirring under the table and looked to see what was going on. It was Gemma making out with a picture of Jax. She was even using her tongue. Those two kissed entirely too much. Made her jealous as hell as well as creeped out by the incest overtones. She left as quickly as she came. Tig looked around trying to see where she'd gone, but he stayed in her seat so he wouldn't attract any attention.

"I haven't gotten laid in almost three years," Juice confessed.

"Almost?" Chibs asked.

"OK. Over three years," Juice said, brushing tears from his eyes.

"Even when you pay for it?" Opie asked.

"Yeah, even then," Juice admitted.

"Maybe it's performance anxiety," Opie suggested.

"Performance anxiety?" Happy asked.

Where the hell had Happy come from, Tig thought. He was one slippery son of a bitch. He would do anything to get her right hand seat. Just because he'd been SA for the Nomads, he thought he should be SA for SAMCRO. Well, that would happen over Happy's dead body. Stupid slippery SOB.

Before Tig's eyes, Happy transformed into a cobra with his hood all out like he was thinking about striking someone. Tig was glad she and Jax were too far away to get bitten. The rest of the guys were on their own. He'd most like Happy to bite Bobby so he'd die and his beads would quit rattling. The sound was getting on her nerves.

"Means he's afraid he can't get it up or please his partner," Jax replied.

The men of SAMCRO weren't the kind of guys that should be having this kind of anxiety, Tig heard Clay thinking. He was thinking Juice was an idiot and a disgrace to the image of a macho biker. He was going to accidentally shoot the little pussy later because he was sick of looking at his stupid haircut. He almost giggled but the neon words on the wall telling him to keep his mouth shut flashed a warning in red to remind him. Thank you, he told the words in his mind.

"Maybe you have low T like me," Chibs suggested. "I'll hook you up with my doctor and you can get tested.

Clay was thinking only pussies got low T and he was worrying about the future of the club with all these men who weren't all male. Clay thought they needed to recruit more guys like Happy. Tig felt like she'd been stabbed in the heart. Clay was a stupid dumbass shithead asswipe twatwaffle.

"Yeah, OK," Juice said forlornly.

"Why don't you get Tig to set you up with some dead chicks?" Jax suggested.

"Dead girls can't complain," Happy said without a trace of irony.

"I don't want to bang dead chicks," Juice said with a shudder. "Probably never be able to get it up."

"Maybe you need Viagra. I've heard it can raise the dead," Kozik said.

"You think your doctor could get me some Viagra?" Juice asked Chibs.

"Sure. You tell him what you want and he'll write you a script," Chibs replied. "Got to give him a little extra for oxy."

Clay was thinking that he was angry and he was going to have to get his club back on track. Tig didn't even have to look at Clay to hear his thoughts now.

"I'm having some problems with this club," Clay said sternly. "We're bikers. We are the macho ideal, yet clearly some of you are not measuring up. We got Chibs who isn't fully a man and Juice who can't get laid or get it up. This would humiliate our club if anyone found out. We would be the laughingstock of all the MCs. We must maintain our cool kick ass macho image at all costs."

"The low T isn't my fault," Chibs whined. "I'm getting it fixed."

"I think we need a vote," Jax said.

Clay was thinking he wanted to wrap his hands around Jax's throat and squeeze the life out of him. Tig was prepared to kill Clay to save Jax if it came to that. Twatwaffle. Twatwaffle. Twatwaffle. Dumbass.

"Goat? Tig's sleeping with goats now?" Piney asked, suddenly waking up.

Tig wanted to deny having sex with goats. He had his standards when it came to sex with livestock. She would never do a goat. The smell was disgusting. He kept his mouth shut as the neon words flashed caution yellow.

Clay banged the gavel.

"Piney, your turn."

"Yeah. Well . . . Damn. I forgot what I was going to say."

"Jax."

"I've decided I need to live a more authentic life," Jax said.

Tig wasn't sure what was wrong with Jax. He was speaking in this English accent. It was kind of hot, but everything about Jax was hot. Dear God, the idea of Jax pressing his body against hers made the room turn bright purple with his passion.

"Here," Jax said, passing out pictures of a tall blonde wearing a mini-skirt, V-necked top, patent leather over the knee stiletto heeled boots with fishnet stockings.

"She's hot," Happy said.

"Is she going to work for Cara Cara? I'd like to help her rehearse," Chibs said. "I mean, you know, after I get my Low T fixed."

"Look more carefully," Jax said.

"Make your point," Clay growled. "We don't have all day."

"It's me."

The men examined the pictures again, unable to believe their eyes. Tig looked at the picture and felt crushed. Not Jax. Noooooooo.

"That's who I really am. I've always felt like I was in the wrong body and I don't want to live a lie anymore. I'm going to be a woman."

If Jax became a woman, what the hell would happen to her, Tig wondered. Would he remain trapped inside this ugly man's body? If Jax kissed him and he made her transformation, how would that work if Jax changed? This was bad and the goats walking all over the table weren't helping things especially now because they were head butting each other. He wanted to tell the goats to knock it off but his lips had grown together. He'd cut them apart later to eat. At least he didn't have to worry about speaking.

"At first I'm going to dress like a woman and take hormones then I'll get my breasts done and after that the lower part."

"You're going to get your dick cut off?" Opie asked shocked.

That was the exact question Tig wanted to ask. Jax's dick was one of her favorite parts of Jax. He'd seen it a couple of times over the years and it was spectacular. He dreamed of the day when she could wrap her lips around it.

"You can't be a chick and be in SAMCRO," Clay said.

"I was thinking I could be a man and still be in the club and then I'd be female the rest of the time."

"Your old man tried to destroy this club and now you're doing the same. That's it. I've had it. You are out of the club. Now, we'll take a vote on that."

Chibs and Juice cried as they voted to kick Jax out of SAMCRO, but the others had just as hard a time. Tig, unable to speak, shook his head no. The vote didn't have to be unanimous. Jax was out of SAMCRO.

Jax got kicked out of SAMCRO and he was getting surgery to get his dick whacked off. Life had gone to hell in a hurry. And there in a corner, Louise was sitting on a throne laughing at him, her face all purple from when she strangled her. Suddenly Tig's world turned black.

In the end, Jax's proposal to partner with Decker on flipping a house passed with only two no votes—Clay and a no head shake from Tig.

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