Chapter 7
No way in hell did he want to encounter Caroline Bingley this morning. Jane Bennet had been enough of a mood killer. He could barely tolerate the blonde angel of vengeance. The red-headed harpy would send him round the twist with her waspish tongue. He wanted peace and quiet where he could reflect on what happened between him and Elizabeth. He was not quite sure of what their flashpoint was, but he knew with absolute certainty that he would have to be much more careful if he intended to meet her in public.
He used the servant's entrance and the back staircases to gain his rooms. As he opened the door from his dressing room he heard Caroline shriek, "I told you to remove yourself from the premises. If you insist on…" He was shocked into silence as she jerked the door the rest of the way open, intending to maul Heath.
Seeing her go from angry to sexy, or at least what she assumed was a version of sexy, in only seconds gave him the courage to escape. In the middle of what could conceivably be a waking nightmare he whirled around and dashed back down the servants' hallway screaming hysterically for help.
Five minutes later when Bingley, Louisa, and the housekeeper removed the scandalously sky-clad Caroline from Darcy's rooms, Heath was heard to comment to the poor darling as she was ushered away, "Well, I do not think that went the way you planned it, yes?"
His words ignited her fighting spirit. Shaking loose from her brother's grip on her wrist, she advanced on him. "I swear by all that is holy, the first thing I do when I become Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy is to sack your hoity-toity ass as his valet. I will find him a valet who actually knows how to act properly."
Heath was not about to take that bit of slander. He looked her up and down with an expression of revulsion. "Mayhap you should fire your maid first. I, at least, do not have my master wandering around in his birthday suit where everyone can see him." Then he casually looked at her angry face before adding, "I honestly think you would have a better chance of finding a husband if you were to put some clothes on. Preferably something that is not orange, puce, or rust. You look revolting in those colors because they clash with your hair and skintone."
When she lunged at him, he saw the wisdom of retreating in much the same manner as his master had. Heath, running down the hall screaming like a mad person, drew even more attention to Caroline, who did not seem to care that she was beyond a state of dishabille.
Caroline was absolutely certain that Darcy would be brought to heel. He would marry her to save her reputation. After all, why else would he be standing in front of her next to Charles, Louisa and Henry?
Darcy was absolutely certain that Caroline was in need of a room at a sanitarium that served nutritious and delicious meals in addition to dealing with mental health issues. Because damn, that woman looked like she had been living as a third-class citizen in a second world country for quite a few years. He did not want to hurt Bingley's feelings, but the situation needed to be dealt with promptly and properly. He refused to leave Charles's side until something was done to help her. So, of course, he made a hash of it. "Caroline, you need to put some clothes on. I have seen better looking whores living in the Rookeries of London."
Caroline decided to go wildcat on him. Claws extended and teeth were bared as she broke her brother's hold on her and lunged.
The only thing left to do was throw his hands out in the sign of the cross and scream, "In the name of Jesus I rebuke you. Get thee behind me, you minion of Satan."
Darcy was not entirely fooling about. His antics caused Caroline to stop. Seeing Darcy standing there in front of her making the sign of the cross caused quite a bit of confusion. She slowly turned her head and looked around. Most of the servants were pressed together behind Darcy, staring intently at the spectacle being played out. Bingley and Louisa were clinging together and laughing hysterically as they tried to reenact Darcy defending himself from the demon. She flung her arms up while flipping her hands outward. "I quit. There is no winning against the rampant idiocy that surrounds me." She turned and strolled back down the hall, entering Darcy's rooms and closed the door with a gentle click.
Heath drolly commented, "She causes most of the rampant idiocy and now she complains?"
Darcy looked at the still hysterically laughing Bingley. "She went back into the rooms you assigned to me. This is the last straw. When she comes out of there Heath is going to go in, retrieve my gear, and I am relocating to either Longborne to be with my Elizabeth or to the Meryten Coaching Inn where I am safe from Caroline's lecherous predilections. I will not have her walking in on me again threatening my sanity with her profane nudity. I shall have nightmares induced by spectral visions of her emaciated carcass for ages unless my Elizabeth can replace Caroline's profanity with her own gorgeous presence."
Bingley continued to laugh although Lousia finally gained control of her laughter. She snickered a few times before looking at Darcy. Then, in between snorts of laughter, she managed to speak. "I shall attempt to dislodge the demon from your rooms, Sir. I am not sure how successful I shall be considering that particular demon seems to be part barnacle and you are her preferred attachment."
Darcy smirked as he watched Bingley. "How many times did you tell me that it would not work? It did work. She walked away with minimal damage to myself."
Bingley managed to admit Darcy was correct in between gasps and snorts. "I would have never believed it would work if I had not seen it with my own eyes. I am in awe of you remembering us talking about using the name of Jesus to defuse her tirades."
"It has only been six months. There was no possible way I could forget us discussing various methods of stopping Caroline's temper tantrums before she could hurt others." He stopped laughing then and took a deep breath. "I do apologize to everyone. I should not have made light of using our Lord and Savior's name in such a way as to draw ridicule."
Charles ceased laughing and admitted that him viewing it as a joke was in poor taste. He, too, apologized for any offense caused by the use of the Lord's name under what could be considered blasphemous conditions.
Louisa and Hurst stood there listening to Charles and Darcy speaking about Caroline as if her anger issues were the only problem with her. By silent agreement Hurst was nominated and voted designated speaker.
"Charles, we would all love to stand here all morning and discuss the Caroline situation. However, we need to move on to a more relevant topic. Your conversation is witty enough, but you are failing to define and address the problem of her being comfortable enough to entertain sans clothing. Louisa and I do not have a problem with the 'no clothes' part of it. We do have issues with her exposing herself before marriage since it is a well-known adage that there is no use for a man to buy a cow when he can get his milk for free."
Darcy's upper lip curled in a sneer. "You just saw the woman's body and you are worried about some man wanting to copulate with her? I have not been laid since I graduated from Cambridge and I was not the first bit tempted. You might try shipping her off the Peninsula and see if there are any frogs who could be induced to take her."
Lousia stepped forward and slapped him across the face. "That is my sister, you bastard! Maybe if you would have been a bit more kind to her she would not have resorted to trying to compromise you."
Darcy rubbed the side of his face to ease the sting. "Had I been any nicer to her she would have found a way to invade my personal space before now. Probably to the tune of having a litter of little bastards just like me because even if I did fuck her, I certainly would not have married her."
Lousia stormed off to his bed chambers to hopefully retrieve Caroline. Charles and Hurst watched her enter and slam the door closed before turning to Darcy. "Darce, old man, that was rather harsh, don't you think?" Charles inquired.
Darcy was finished talking to them. He was leaning toward his valet and speaking softly. When he finished, the valet nodded his understanding and made his way down the hall and into the room the two females were in.
Heath's instructions had been to enter and pack his trunks. Hopefully, the vindictive crazy nudist would not have begun ruining his personal items and wardrobe…yet.
What was said in that room will remain a mystery. Heath decided he would not speak of it- which means whatever happened is unspeakable. Since Caroline's lady's maid bragged about Mr. Heath's sword on more than one occasion prior to this incident mayhap he was captured and ravished. But that is unspeakable also, so we shall cease and desist expositing on Heath being ravished…
Before the clock struck noon Darcy had relocated to the Meryton Coaching Inn where he rented rooms for himself and his staff and settled in. He intended to court Miss Elizabeth. With that goal in mind he took himself off to Longbourne. By the end of visiting hours he had made inroads into being accepted as a suitor for Mr. Bennet's favorite daughter who also happened to be Mrs. Bennet's most beloved daughter.
The whole process had been an uphill slog. Jane was still upset that he had taken liberties with Lizzy. The groom that tended the horses was upset because the thoroughbred mare had been covered without due diligence to maintaining the blood lines of the foul. Mr. Bennet was not pleased with Darcy because he refused to be intimidated by the old man. Mrs. Bennet was in a foul mood with Mr. Darcy because she was certain he was going to wreck her perfect life. Despite William being her grandson she was fond of the child and wanted to keep him at Longbourne because he had been the catalyst for change in all their lives. She truly loved the little boy as if he were truly hers.
Elizabeth was not sure how she felt about Mr. Darcy finding her after all this time. She had for the most part given up on finding a husband and forming her own family. There was no way she could leave Longbourne because she did not want to give up William. She knew it was not rational, but she loved him not only because he was her own flesh and blood, but he was also a part of William, the man who helped her create her son. And deep in the recesses of her mind was the idea that Mr. and Mrs. Bennet would revert back to the form they maintained before the birth of Victoria and William. She could not desert any child to the neglect and torture of those days.
After Mr. Bennet invited Darcy into his book room Jane did her best to get Elizabeth to talk to her about the situation. Jane eventually had to give Lizzy the cold hard facts. Lizzy's plan had been stupid and irresponsible and for the most part it had ruined Lizzy's life. Now the one thing that could destroy the whole family completely was happening.
Lizzy listened to Jane's reasoning and agreed that what she did approximately five and a half years ago had been reckless and foolhardy. She also pointed out to Jane that her producing a male child had been the catalyst for change, much to the better, for the Bennet family in the intervening years.
Mr. Bennet and Darcy walked out of Mr. Bennet's bookroom just in time to see Lizzy racing out the back door with Jane chasing her while screaming at her to stop. Jane barely had time to get out of the way before Darcy joined the chase. She stared after the running couple until she saw Darcy scoop Lizzy up and hold her tightly. She turned to Mr. Bennet and arched an eyebrow when he cleared his throat to get her attention.
"Come away, my daughter." Was all he said before making his way down the hall and into the dining room, making his way to the dinner table. He took his usual place at the head of the table and after saying grace asked the girls to pass the serving bowls. It was one of those evenings when Vick and Will joined their family at the table even though company was present rather than eating dinner in the nursery with the younger set of twin boys. Mr. Collins was also seated at the table.
The family was all sitting there making sport of the table when Darcy and Lizzy walked back in. They all stopped talking and began staring at the late arrivals. Darcy rolled his eyes at the exhibition but said nothing more than the required common greeting. He did not want to say anything. He would rather hold Miss Elizabeth and let the world burn around them. He settled for directing her to the wash basin where he wet a clean cloth and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
Mr. Collins was the first person to break the silence. "Sir, I know you are acquainted with Mr. Bennet, but do you not assume a level of intimacy with Miss Elizabeth to be touching her so freely within sight of her whole family?"
"Cousin William, may I ask you to accept the fact that Mr. Darcy and Miss Elizabeth are intimate friends and have an understanding." Mr. Bennet did not want to explain anything to Collins. Hell, to be honest, he did not want to speak to Mr. Collins regardless of their familial relationship.
Collins focused on the name Darcy. "Would you happen to be Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberly in Derbyshire, Sir?"
Darcy bowed slightly. "The same, Sir. May I have the pleasure of your inquiry?"
Collins began doing his bowing and scraping routine. Vick and Will both started laughing hysterically as only little children can which caused Collins to go red in the face and speak louder until finally Lydia put two fingers in her mouth and gave a piercing whistle that caused everyone to go silent and stare at her. She smirked and said, "Father, the floor is yours."
Mrs. Bennet nodded and murmured. "Quite right. Nicely done, Lydia. You came off as a complete hoyden. Your sister Lizzy is ever so proud of you seeing that all her hours of training you has finally taken."
Lydia grinned across the table at her favorite sister and gave her a mock bow.
Mr. Bennet took the two young ones to task. He reminded them that teasing Mr. Collins about being a clown was not acceptable. If they did not stop harassing Cousin Collins every time he made a blunder he, meaning himself, was going to make them dress up as small clowns and walk around the neighborhood with him until they learned some humility.
Will was the first one to call him on it. "If we must act like Cousin Collins does that mean we do not get to take a bath and change our clothes?"
Knowing exactly what he was referring to, Mrs. Bennet snapped at the smallest Hellspawn. "What are you talking about?"
Will did not want to be snapped at. He hated being chastised. However, all five of his big sisters told him that it was better to speak the truth. Of course, it might have been a genetic malfunction because his sire had the same issue. Foot-in-mouth disease was probably embedded in the genetic coding of the Darcy Clan. "Mama, Cousin William does not take a bath every day like you insist we have to. He does not put his dirty clothes in the laundry to be washed either. I heard Ada complain to Mr. Hill that he kept his room locked when he is not there, and she did not clean it again today." As he was making his points, he extended a finger while touching it.
Mr. Collins's face was as red as the pickled beets sitting in their serving dish taking pride of place in front of him. Will looked across the table to where Vick was sitting and huffed. "Did we hear three or four complaints about Cousin?"
Vick looked up from shredding the rye bread roll on her plate. "There were four things Ada fussed about. I think she said he likes to hide in the pantry and play grab-ass with her." The resounding gasp from Mrs. Bennet had all five older daughters remembering smelling salts and lots of screaming for Hill to attend her while her nerves were acting up. Then they all blinked and promptly engaged their attention to Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Without thinking, or maybe it was another symptom of the disease manifesting, Darcy looked straight at Collins while asking the question. "How can you hide in the pantry? You smell worse than Mr. Driscoll's sheep pen. Can the staff not smell you a mile away? I know Elizabeth and Mary know where you are at all times by your scent."
William Collins stood up and shoved his chair in. "I have had enough insults to last a lifetime from this family. I arrived here at the express wish of my patroness Lady Catherine De Bourgh to extend an olive branch to the family and heal the breach of our family quarrel by marrying one of the Bennet daughters and making her the next Mistress of Longbourne when Mr. Bennet passes and I inherit."
The family quieted down and listened to him. When he finished his rant Mr. Bennet leaned back in his chair and spoke. "I assure you, Cousin Collins, as far as I am concerned, when I die one of my sons will inherit, God willing. If William fails to inherit Longbourne either Phillip or Edward shall. I respect the fact that you came to visit, and we have done as much as you let us in regards to making peace with us. I even agree that my children have been rough on you. However, you need to stop and wonder why two almost-five-years-olds seem to have better social skills than you do."
Mr. Bennet nodded to Will. "It was not well done of you to bring up the problems our staff is having when dealing with Mr. Collins here at the dinner table, Son. We will talk about what the word 'discretion' means in our lessons tomorrow morning."
Far from being discouraged, Will answered. "Yes, Father." He made a few serious faces then added, "But, Father, you keep telling us that as gentlemen, cleanliness is next to godliness. It would not hurt him to wash."
Vick chimed in, "It would also help if he let Ada and Nancy clean his laundry and room."
Mr. Bennet returned his gaze to Mr. Collins. "That is a fair point, Cousin. I can understand you have not availed yourself of learning how to be a gentleman because you are uncomfortable around most men. However, you could have started making small changes from the first time you went to Oxford. Surely you noticed that a clean body and clean clothes are often a common denominator for most of the gentry?" His voice conveyed his confusion.
He waited for the silently fuming Collins to speak but that proved to be a vain task. He relented and began questioning him further. "I need some help here. Do you require a valet to train you on how to clean up and pass yourself off as polite society? Do you have a problem with the contents of your room that you lock it, therefore prohibiting the cleaning maids from doing their jobs? Really, Sir, I must insist that you explain to me why I am just now learning that you have a problem with staying here with us."
Collins did not have an explanation, standing there with his face flushed, his mouth working but no words escaping.
Darcy decided to help him out. "Mr. Collins, may I speak to you about this?" He looked around at the embarrassed faces of the older girls. "Maybe it would help if the ladies gave us half an hour or so?"
Mr. Bennet nodded his approval.
Mrs. Bennet rose from the table. "Come girls. Let us go into the parlor and begin plans for Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth's wedding." And the sea calmed, and Peter returned to the boat…I mean the men were all alone.
Darcy blinked and watched Mrs. Bennet as she herded all six cats out of the room. That was an apt description of a pack of females- queens. He then transferred his gaze to Mr. Bennet. "I am quite pleased with Mrs. Bennet announcing that you have approved the nuptials between Miss Elizabeth and me."
Mr. Bennet glared at him. "It is not like I have much of a choice. When you compromised Miss Elizabeth with all the kissing and touching you did not give me any room to manage the situation."
Darcy's laughter could be heard in the parlor where the ladies had retired to. The joy in his voice set the tone for everyone else.
As the men were rearranging themselves no one realized Will was not with the ladies. He waited while the men settled down with their glasses of port and made his way over to stand beside Darcy for support while reaching his hand out to touch Mr. Collins's arm.
It was the first time Fitzwilliam Darcy was within touching distance of his son. He almost came undone as he scooped the youngling up and placed him on his lap.
Mr. Bennet gasped and looked at the two of them in horror. Will had his mother's beautiful green eyes but he had his father's build and bone structure. The little one was a Darcy through and through. The old man watched as Will accepted his father's gentle touch while staying focused on Mr. Collins.
Collins did not miss the resemblance either. He forgot his current woes and began to speak as he stared at the two of them. "Do you realize that the child you are holding has an uncanny resemblance to you, Sir?"
Darcy smiled and hugged the little boy who was now squirming around to get a good look at who was holding him. After bumping noses with the little one he turned his attention back to Mr. Bennet. "Did I not tell you yesterday that as soon as people saw William and I together they were going to ask about his parentage?"
Mr. Bennet tilted his head and sighed heavily. "Yes, you did." He turned his attention back to Mr. Collins. "Yesterday when Mr. Darcy and I had a chat the subject of young William did come up. I am his father, but he looks like Mr. Darcy because we share a common ancestor."
Collins nodded. "It is quite astonishing really." He would have had more to say about it except Darcy had no desire to hear him waffling on and spoke over him.
"It is not so singular. Mr. Bennet and I are in agreement that our common ancestor is most likely my great-aunt Mariposa. She disappeared around the same time Mr. Bennet's grandfather married a lady who had been injured in a carriage accident. We assume she could not remember her name and rather than remain a spinster struggling to survive without a name or income, she agreed to marry Mr. Bennet's grandfather under an assumed name."
Will had already lost interest in his father and went back to observing Mr. Collins. Sitting as close as they were he could smell the stench emanating from him. "Mr. Collins, did you know that you stink? If you do not know what to do, I can help you. Mr. Hill is teaching me how to do things so I will know everything when I get bigger. You can join us?" His voice was sweet and serious as he tried to reach the strange man.
Darcy stood up and swung Will over his shoulder. "I am going to go talk to the ladies. I will take this piece of baggage with me." He did not know whether to laugh or cry at how caring his son was. He remembered listening to his mother and father speaking about how he needed to learn and uphold the standards of a gentleman. If Mr. Collins did not have anyone to help him with personal hygiene and social skills it was no wonder that he mucked everything up so badly. He was proud of the fact that his son understood that people needed guidance at times to learn skills which were not innate.
Will was having fun being carried across Darcy's shoulder. Having his ribs tickled was making him squeal like a pig as they made their way to the settee Lizzy was residing on.
She shook her head at the two of them and reached for Will as he attempted to climb back into Darcy's lap. "Little man, you need to go get ready for bed. Mama went upstairs five minutes ago. She is not going to wait for you much longer without being cross with you."
Will's lip trembled and his impossibly long eyelashes fluttered as he sniffed. "I don't want to go bed. I not tired."
Lizzy grinned at him. "How about I help you clean your face, hands, and teeth and we can read more of our book?" She smiled at him before adding, "You still need to go give Mama a good night kiss and hug."
He tugged at her hand and shook his head enthusiastically. "Yes, please." He heard the part of giving Mama a kiss and hug good night. He would not forget.
Darcy wanted to be part of his son's life. He whispered, "Please bring the book down? I have missed so much I don't think I can bare much more."
Tear drops trembled on Lizzy's lashes as she tried not to lose her composure. It was just settling in with her that she had done this man a great disservice. She had been so sure with the original William that there would be no attachment formed. They had discussed this. Only this man, Fitzwilliam Darcy, was not the original William. This William was so much more incredible in every way.