Chapter Eight

New Routines and Complications

A knock on their door roused Sakura from sleep. She woke with a start, blinking bleary eyes through tangled pink hair. Beside her, Kakashi looked like he was still asleep.

"Me-chan, are you up yet?"

What? She looked around, noticing the light filtering in through the window screen. It was morning, barely. "Yeah, yeah I'm awake, Kakashi-kun. Give me a minute to get dressed."

"Okay!" He sounded far too excited for so early in the morning as his footsteps carried him back down the hall.

Sakura sat up and scrubbed the drool and hair from her face.

"Me-chan?"

Kakashi was peeking up at her around his pillow.

"Oh. Since we live here now and we're family, he asked to call me something more familiar." She yawned and stood.

"Hm. Why is he waking us up so early?"

Tossing his shirt at him, covering his face so she could change, she quickly pulled on her dress and shorts. "He asked me to help him make his bento."

Kakashi scoffed, burrowing back into his pillow. "Does he have a death wish?"

"Hey!" She kicked his leg through the duvet. "I've gotten better. My gran has been helping me. Besides, I told him I've never really done it before so he said we could do it together." A small smile tugged at her lips. He was so sweet when he wanted to be.

Kakashi finally sat up, giving her a funny look as he tugged his shirt on over the masked undershirt he'd slept in. Sakura wrinkled her nose. "That's probably what he wanted anyway. He's… never had anyone close like you before. It's always been just him and Sakumo. He likes you."

"Well I like him, too. And you should really get a few more of those under shirts. You don't wash them enough if you're constantly wearing it. You're starting to smell like wood stain and BO."

He rolled his eyes. "I don't stink. I smell like man and cypress. But fine. I guess we can spare the ryō. Do you need anything?"

Combing through her short hair with her fingers, she sighed. "A hairbrush and several other personal things. I'll get them myself after I walk him to the Academy."

"You're taking him to school, too?"

"He asked me to come with him. Sakumo left before dawn for a mission, remember?"

"Oh, right." He followed her out of their room and down the hall to the kitchen where Kakashi-kun was waiting, already pulling things from the fridge and piling them on the counter.

She looked over what he'd grabbed. "Hm. Rice balls?"

He nodded. "We have leftover miso eggplant. I like it as filling."

Sakura's smile was relieved. "I can make rice balls."

Leaning against the counter, Kakashi smirked. "Nothing to burn."

She scoffed, swatting him with a towel. "Hey. Rude."

He only shrugged, deftly dodging her second towel swing. "You have many other talents, Ayame."

"Look—" She slipped on a pair of gloves, took a scoop of rice, added some of the leftover eggplant and then more rice. Shaping it carefully, her tongue poking out as she concentrated, Sakura held out her rice ball proudly. "See? Perfect."

Cocking his head to the side, Kakashi-kun looked up at it confused. "Why does it have spikes?"

She smirked, setting it down and reaching for the nori, tearing off little shapes. "Because it's a puppy! See? Those are the ears."

"Hm." He studied it carefully for a moment before putting more effort into the rice lump in his own hands. "Pakkun, come here boy." The little pug came skittering over from where he'd been napping to stand eagerly at the boy's feet.

As always when he saw him, Kakashi's buoyant mood wilted just the slightest. Sakura wished their summons worked the same. She could still summon Katsuyu. The slug was ancient, and their contract signed in blood was apparently not affected by time or space. The pack of canine companions had been raised by Kakashi. As far as she knew, Pakkun was the only one alive now. She wished there was some way to make this particular heartache easier for him.

Kakashi-kun peered closely down at his pup before tearing up the nori and arranging it on his rice ball. "Look boy, it's you!" Indeed, there were lumps for ears and bits of seaweed arranged to look like Pakkun's face.

"Cute!'

Kakashi-kun wrinkled his nose. "It's not cute. It's Pakkun."

She lost a fight against a giggle. "Isn't Pakkun cute?"

"Well…" He crouched down to scratch behind his ears. "Yeah, I guess." Pakkun licked his fingers, Kakashi-kun's eyes almost closed with a smile. "You're cute, aren't you, boy?" He yipped excitedly and wagged his tail. "Got something to say, boy? Hm?"

He barked, growled—sneezed—and then… spoke. "Cute!"

Kakashi-kun looked at his dog like he'd just bitten him. "He… he spoke."

Confused by his reaction, Sakura looked up at Kakashi. He had the same look on his face.

"His first word was… 'cute?' Oh, man." The silver-haired boy dissolved into giggles as he pet the hyper pup.

"Cute! Cute! Cute!" There was more panting and barking and tail wagging as he climbed all over his lap. "Cute!"

They dropped Kakashi-kun off at school together with his lovingly packed bento and subdued goodbyes. As she walked with Kakashi towards her father's shop, Sakura broke through his thoughtful silence. "What was his first word with you?"

"Hm." He looked nostalgic, glancing down at her from the corner of his eye. "Liver."

She snorted. "Liver? Really? I guess it is his favorite."

"Yeah… it was more of a demand, actually. I hadn't been eating much and I guess he was frustrated with me. Another thing we changed."

Slowing, Ayame bit her lip. She wasn't sure if he was referring to his grief induced malnourishment or Pakkun's speech. "He seems so happy, Kakashi."

His eyes traced the shapes of the clouds, not a hint at what he might be feeling on what she could see of his face. "He is. I can't decide if I still want this to all be a dream, or for it to be real because it means some version of me might get to know what it feels like to be happy without the taint of all the suffering."

The faint lines around his eyes tightened but he did not look away from the deeply fascinating sky. "Without suffering, how can we even really recognize happiness? Maybe this version of you," she poked his arm, "can find happiness, wherever we are, and it will be all the more profound for the pain that came before."

He almost stopped walking, looking down at her with an expression she could not decipher. "Don't take this the wrong way, Sakura, but that's awfully insightful." The 'for you' was left unsaid.

It was a conscious decision to not be offended.

The fact that he wasn't wrong didn't make it easier.

Rolling her eyes, she started walking at a normal speed again. "I can be insightful sometimes. But that one was my dad. He was talking about Naruto, and it always stuck with me."

"Hm. Your father seems like a reasonable man. Maybe he's right." They walked in silence for a few steps and then: "Speaking of your parents, Happy Birthday."

Sakura blinked slowly, her lips parting in surprise. Counting back the days from when she knew they'd arrived, she realized he was correct. "I suppose… it is my birthday, isn't it?" A glance in his direction found him watching her again. "What made you think of that?"

He shrugged. "I realized yesterday. Now seemed as good a time as any to remind you."

"Oh. I guess I forgot." She folded her hands behind her back, thinking out loud. "How old does that make me? It was October when we left and I was halfway to nineteen."

"Hm."

She pursed her lips. "And what about you? Your birthday was barely two months ago and now is only six months away."

"A true dilemma."

"Tch." She glared half-heartedly. "Just because you don't like to celebrate doesn't mean we shouldn't work it out."

"Alright." Slender fingers tapped thoughtfully along his masked chin. "How about we choose new birthdays. You were eighteen and seven months when we left, so July? The same day to make it easier. And my new birthday will be January the nineteenth. There… all worked out."

He slipped his hands in his pockets and carried on his way, another identity shifting crisis solved. No big deal. She was Hatake Ayame, born July twenty-eighth. It was fine.

Gulping down a lung full of air, she turned her attention to other things. She needed a brush, a new bottle of shampoo, a couple of new bras since she wasn't binding her—

"I was thinking…" He was staring up at the clouds again. "I can't use my chidori anymore, now that I lost Obito's eye." She hadn't realized. "I'd like to work on developing a new lightning jutsu." His eyes scanned the rooftops before he turned to her, lowering his voice. "And just because we're playing at being civilians doesn't mean we shouldn't stay sharp. We should make time to train every day. Together… with Sakumo when he's home."

She hardly had to think about her reply. "I agree. Getting lazy about training could get us killed."

"Hm. I'll meet you at the Academy this afternoon and we can pick up something for dinner on the way home. We can start tonight."

"Alright." They had arrived at the shop, both pausing awkwardly. "Well… have a good day, Kakashi."

His head tipped slightly to the side and his eyes lit with a pleasant smile. "You too, Sakura."

How very domestic.

As she handed over the ryō for the shirts he needed, it struck her how much she was actually behaving like a wife. They lived together, she washed his clothes with hers, they shared their meals and free time, he gave her the ryō he earned, they lay alongside one another at night… Now she was running his errands. It felt… strangely natural—awkward when anyone pointed it out or made nosy comments but—comfortable. Just like he'd said. She supposed it made sense. They had known one another for years, worked together, gone on missions together, fought together… Was this arrangement all that different?

Remembering his declaration that he wouldn't seek a real wife, that they were stuck with one another, she couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like in six months, a year? Five? They weren't really married. They weren't lovers. The very idea of him in that way was so foreign… Impossible.

Wasn't it? Shouldn't it be? He had been her sensei.

That was years ago. You're equals now.

His handsome, laughing face appeared in her mind's eye again.

Tucking his shirts into her bag with her other purchases, Sakura ignored the heat in her skin and headed home.

No. It was impossible, even if he was disgustingly attractive. He would never see her as a woman. Right?

Maybe he could.

Did she want him to?

Yes.

Things were so comfortable now, but would she be satisfied with 'comfortable' for the rest of her life?

Not likely.

Would he?

He's a man, after all. We do share a bed.

She shook her head. They would stick together, however long they were in the past. They would watch over Kakashi-kun, raise Tenzō, and whatever else may come, together. As friends. Probably. Definitely.

Maybe?

It wasn't the kind of marriage she had ever pictured for herself. At least he'd never tried to kill her.

Stepping out onto the street, Kakashi stretched his arms over his head, groaning as his back and shoulders popped and cracked. It had been a long day. They had gone to the home of some wealthy merchant to repair some of the original woodwork in the structure. The fat, supercilious old man had hovered around all day to ensure everything was done to his exacting standards. Kizashi had seemed unbothered by the customer's running commentary so Kakashi had ignored it as well. It was not until they had finished and were a good distance away that he had let out a long-suffering sigh and declared he needed a drink.

After everything was put away back at the shop, Kizashi invited him and Ayame out for dinner with his mother the following week. 'Just the four of us.' Apparently, Ume missed her niece already and still hadn't forgiven her friend.

It was a warm spring evening, perfect for training.

He was busy puzzling over alterations to his chidori when the scent of something sweet caught his nose. Judging that he still had time before he would be late to meet Sakura, he followed the smell… to a snack stall. Eyeing the offerings, he bought her something. It was her birthday after all. Treat in hand, he headed to the Academy.

"Yo."

Sakura was sitting in the swing in the Academy yard. A handful of housewives stood around waiting on their own children, most turning to watch furtively as he made his way to her. She blinked rapidly before looking up, not quite meeting his eye.

Hm.

"Hey."

He considered asking. He almost did. But her eyes cut to the other women standing close enough to hear anything they might say before forcing a smile on her face.

"He should be out soon." She eyed the paper sack in his hands. "What is that?"

Ah. He let his eyes form a smile and opened it. Maybe he would ask later. "I stopped to get you something on my way." Taking another step so he was right beside her, he handed her the pastry and lowered his voice. "I know what we talked about this morning but, Happy birthday."

Her lips parted in surprise and a happy little gasp escaped. Something tickled beneath his ribs, but he ignored it.

"Oh. Thank you, Karasu. I love dorayaki."

He knew that.

Kids started racing outside, capturing his attention. Some of them he recognized. In his past, he was only at the Academy a few more weeks before graduating and he had hardly paid attention to most of his classmates. But he had had friends…

"Me-chan!"

He saw a flash of silver hair ahead of a few familiar faces and steadied himself.

"Hey, Kakashi-kun. How was your day?"

He slid to a stop in front of her, the gaggle of his friend's hanging behind him. Kakashi bit down hard on the inside of his cheek.

"Pretty boring. What are you eating?"

She stood from the swing and smiled down at him. "Karasu brought me a treat. Do you want a bite?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Is it sweet?"

Laughing delicately around a bite, she nodded. "A bit."

"Kakashi-kun, is that your new mom?"

Kakashi had to choke back a stunned laugh as Sakura's eyes nearly bulged from her head. Thankfully the humorous moment and the bright blush on the kid's face helped distract from the agonizing knot in his chest

Kakashi-kun glared at his classmate with a put upon sigh as if this was not the first time the mistake had been made that day. "I told you, Obito. She's married to my cousin, not my dad. They're just living with us now." He clicked his tongue. "Idiot." Jabbing his thumb at him, the kid shrugged. "This is my cousin."

The group of children looked up at him as one, eyeing him with varying degrees of skepticism. Memories, almost all painful, swept over him in a rush. Orange goggles, a green jumpsuit, purple cheeks… guilt, dread… Longing.

A small, callused hand slid into his.

He swallowed thickly and laced their fingers, holding on for dear life.

They would save them.

"Yo." It was all he could muster.

"I like your pink hair."

Rin.

Sakura smiled down at her. "Oh, thank you. My name is Hatake Ayame. This is my husband, Karasu."

The little girl he'd killed grinned brightly, bowing politely. "My name is Nohara Rin." Sakura's hand tightened around his and she gasped softly. "Kakashi-kun talked about you all day."

"I did not!" He turned his back on his friends, his ears burning. "Can we go now, Me-chan?"

"You did! I can see why, your new cousin is beautiful, Kakashi-kun. If she lived with me I would talk about her all day too."

Gai.

Sakura blushed faintly and huffed an awkward laugh as the kid rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Go away, Gai."

"Kakashi-kun, don't be mean to your friends."

Scolded, Kakashi-kun crossed his arms and cast him a pleading look. Needing to get out of there too, he nodded. "It's nice to meet all of you, but we need to be getting home. Let's go, kid."

"Bye, Kakashi-kun! See you tomorrow!" Rin waved eagerly as they left, as did Gai. Obito sulked but with how she was smiling at the still flush kid, it was pretty much the dynamic he remembered. "And good-bye, Ayame-san!"

Sakura, her left hand still in his, waved over her shoulder at the ghosts and memories. Her smile was tight and he wondered if she would contain her curiosity this time. It was a little alarming, but he thought he might prefer it if she didn't. He needed to explain what happened anyway. Maybe talking to her about it would keep him from drowning in the guilt currently suffocating him.

She did not let go of his hand as they walked down the street, the less depressed version of himself trotting along beside them, his own hands in his pockets as he told her about his day. When they stopped in Ichiraku for dinner, deciding to stay and eat there, she sat close enough that their knees touched. By the time they were done, Kakashi felt like he could breathe again. She eyed him subtly as they headed for home, apparently deciding he no longer needed her extra support, folding her hands behind her back and focusing her attention on the kid.

Part of him wished he looked more upset.

He immediately rebuked himself for wanting to hold her hand. Stupid.

Training that night was productive. They sparred two on one, the kid insisting he needed a "challenge." Once they'd worn him out, he sat with Sakura and Pakkun and watched Kakashi work with his lightning jutsu in the field. It was probably going to take months of work, but he thought he had some idea of what he was going to do with it.

After getting the kid to bathe and putting him to bed, Kakashi and Sakura retired to their room. He watched her in the mirror as she brushed the tangles from her damp hair and wondered how she'd react if he asked her if she was okay. She had perked up once the kid joined them and had seemed fine all evening. Focusing on other people's problems was a good way to forget about your own.

For some reason, he didn't like the idea of her hiding her grief from him. It was what he always did. But she was different.

"Sakura…"

Her green eyes found his in the mirror before she turned around to face him. "What?"

How to start this conversation? "How was your day?" There, not too personal.

She frowned, clearly slightly confused by him asking such a generic question. "Um… pretty boring, actually. After I got everything I needed this morning—I got you three new shirts, by the way…" She indicated the wardrobe in the corner with a tilt of her head. "Well, after that, I didn't really have much to do. It's not a laundry day for anyone I've been helping, and I'm trying to avoid my grandmother's house right now, so I came back here for a while. Pakkun was bored too, so we went on a walk around town after lunch and I got things to make him those peanut butter liver treats he likes so much." She smiled, resting her chin in her hands. "He kept repeating his one word over and over while he waited for me to make them. He's so proud of himself, it's… well cute." A small, breathy laugh escaped her lips just before the smile fell.

There it is. The somberness she'd been wearing that afternoon was back. Her brows furrowed and her lips twisted and tucked between her teeth. "Are you alright?"

Her eyes lifted to his, and he could see she was trying to smile and ignore whatever she was feeling. If she wanted to hide her emotions, maybe she should start wearing a mask. No. That didn't seem right.

"I'm fine. Just…" She sighed and ducked her face, effectively hiding behind her pink hair. "I miss my friends, especially Ino. My grandmother is lovely to talk to, but she's pretty old and believes we're married. I can hardly tell her about the cute fruit vendor that sold me persimmons today or complain about you." Her smile was weak.

Oh.

She's lonely.

It must be a new experience for her. She'd grown up with a family that loved her and friends that did too. They had been in the past for almost a month, and while they spent quite a bit of their time together, and there was Sakumo and the kid and her family as well, there was a glaring lack of female companionship. That was something women needed, wasn't it? Someone to confide in and complain to?

He felt a little bad for not noticing before.

"You can tell me about the fruit vendor."

That got a genuine laugh out of her. "Really?"

He shrugged. Why not?

She grinned brightly and threw herself down on the futon beside him, pulling the pillow up under her chin. "Well, he usually isn't there. It's his family's stall, but he was helping out today as his mother wasn't feeling well. I only wanted a few persimmons, but their cherries looked so good. He saw me eyeing them so he gave me a handful for free." Her face colored and she pitched her voice low, imitating the young man. "These must have grown just for you." She snorted and ducked her face into the pillow for a second before finishing. "Our fingers brushed when he handed them to me. 'I'm sure I'll be thinking of you and your cherry blossom hair the next time I'm in the orchard.'"

She giggled.

He did not know what to do with that.

"It was the corniest thing I've ever heard, but it was… kind of sweet? I'm not used to random flirtation like that. The only guy that's ever shown any interest besides Naruto is Lee." She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "I guess being so obsessed with Sasuke for so long kind of made me unapproachable. But even in the civilian parts of town I've never had a guy look twice." Her lips pursed and she sighed through her nose. "Not great for your self esteem." She looked thoughtful for a few seconds before grinning over at him. "So, that's what happened."

He still wasn't sure what to say. For some reason, he didn't really like the idea of her flirting with fruit vendors. That wasn't the kind of man she should be with. She should be with another shinobi, someone that was at least her equal—and that was a high bar.

Not that it was up to him.

"Civilian men usually aren't interested in kunoichi, and I've never met a kunoichi happily settled with a civilian man." That sounded bitter. He hadn't meant it to. He cleared his throat. "That's probably why this has never happened before."

"Hm. I guess that makes sense. I'm just another civilian woman now." The corner of her mouth twisted and she brushed her hair. "With notable hair."

"You're not a civilian. You're a kunoichi, one of the strongest there is. Don't forget that just because some civilian deigns to flirt with you."

The self-satisfied, girlish little grin disappeared, and her whole face fell. She looked hurt. Then she looked pissed. Her teeth clenched and she glared at him. "I haven't forgotten anything. Excuse me for enjoying one dumb little moment with a cute civilian who thought I was good looking enough to flirt with. I'm lonely. I know that's just every day for you, but I'm not used to it yet and it sucks. Don't ask me to tell you stuff if you're just going to be a dick about it."

She stood, snatching up her pillow and their duvet and stomped out of the room. "I'm sleeping with Kakashi."

She slammed the door so hard as she left, it bounced back open three inches.

Fuck.

'I'm lonely. I know that's just every day for you…"

It would have hurt less if she'd punched him in the face.

She had aimed low and hadn't missed. He had been alone for most of his life. He had been so lonely, even if he didn't always acknowledge it, since he was five. Only he'd just gotten used to it, and even when he had friends and people in his life that cared about him, he had been lonely.

But it never mattered. He was a shinobi, a weapon. What did it matter if he was lonely?

What did it matter if she was? They had assigned themselves a mission here. That should be their focus.

'I'm not used to it yet…"

That implied she assumed she would get used to being lonely.

'I guess I'm stuck with you too.'

She had resigned herself to potentially spend the rest of her life with him. And she assumed she was going to get used to being lonely.

Why did that make him feel like a bastard?

Flopping back on the futon, he glared up at the ceiling as though it had done him some personal wrong.

He never asked for her fidelity. These were just the circumstances they found themselves in. Hadn't he already decided she should find someone else? Who cared if it was a civilian as long as he was good to her?

She deserves better than some fruit seller with terrible pick ups.

He dug the palms of his hands against his eyes and groaned. What was his problem? Why was he being such an asswhole? He had started the conversation because he didn't like the idea of her hiding how much she was suffering from him. Then he got her to open up and he'd gone and ruined it. Now she would probably close herself off from him completely.

The very possibility made him feel sick. She was the only person left in his life that truly mattered. Sure there was Sakumo, and the kid too he supposed, but it wasn't the same.

He missed his friends, and he desperately missed his ninken. But coming home to her the last few weeks made his days feel more gratifying. Laying beside her at night made the nightmares, the demons he faced when he closed his eyes, less daunting. Having her there, he felt grounded even as they were both adrift somewhere they did not belong.

Now she was gone.

His hand stretched out across her side of the futon. It was already lacking her warmth.

It doesn't matter.

He rolled away, facing the wall and forcing his eyes closed. He didn't need her there to sleep. He was used to lonely nights, as she had correctly pointed out.